Steps Towards a Less Steroid-Phobic Society: Everybody Grab a Syringe

 

What’s all this fuss about steroid use? So what if Manny Ramirez recently tested positive for estrogen and fertility drugs? Who cares if Alex Rodriguez lied… then lied… then lied again about ingesting some unknown, under-the-counter, Dominican growth hormone? Performance enhancing drugs have so thoroughly permeated our national pastime that fans of the sport, if there are any left, have become numb to any new scandals. If it became public that Commissioner Bud Selig personally injected Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa during their 1998 home run chase, I’m not sure anyone would be overly surprised at this point. He might as well have, right

 

manny-140

 

So from here on out, let’s flip the script. Since a still unknown percentage of baseball players regularly used steroids and since we’re already building new stadiums that nobody can afford to get into, I say we take it one step further. I hereby submit we allow steroid use and simply enlarge the stadiums. Baseballs are already flying out of the new Yankee Stadium at a record-setting pace. Just keep the players on the juice and make the parks larger. It will give the fans more entertainment value for their hard earned dollar. Get Big Papi (back) on the juice so he can finally start hitting again. Just make the Green Monster that much larger. Raise the wall another ten or fifteen feet and let the syringe (back) into the clubhouse.

 

While we’re at it, let’s allow steroids in basketball too. Don’t we all prefer seeing a movie in IMAX format as opposed to the smaller, run-of-the-mill, dollar theater variety? Just make the rims 12 feet tall like Dwight Howard once requested in a recent dunk contest and have at it. Dwight’s delts already need double doors for comfortable entry into Amway Arena. Imagine him on the juice. Tear down the wall! Or better yet, imagine LBJ on HGH. At 24, he’s already arguably the most phenomenal player many of us have ever seen. He’d be even more spectacular on the juice, wouldn’t he? He’d be averaging quadruple-doubles in no time.

 

Allow steroids back into the NFL. Just make the field larger than a CFL field to accommodate for the larger player. Within seasons, we could entirely rewrite the record books. 2,000 rushing yard seasons would be a thing of the past. Dan Marino’s single season passing record would also go down to beefed up quarterbacks with cannons for arms. And better yet, Brett Favre could come back and play for ten more years. I mean, who doesn’t want more Brett Favre coverage?

 

Introduce steroids to the PGA Tour. Just move the tournament tees back another hundred or so yards. They’ve already Tiger-proofed half the courses on tour. What’s another bit of urban and regional planning going to hurt? Heck, it’ll provide the country with some well-needed employment.

 

Why stop there? The Professional Bowler’s Tour could have its ‘athletes’ juice up. Just add more pins in the lane like that Wii bowling game. Competitive Scrabble players could shoot up before a big match, then routinely place multisyllabic 20-letter words on the board with ease. We’ve already seen what Marion Jones and Ben Johnson can do on the juice. Imagine how much faster NASCAR drivers could drive on HGH. Track records would fall by the wayside. Hockey fans, you want more fights? Imagine the bloodshed in a juiced up NHL. And boxing! Talk about a surefire way to rejuvenate the heavyweight division. Someone get me Don King on the phone.

 

american-gladiators

Hey, American Gladiators lasted seven seasons and is now back on the air. You can’t tell me that Nitro, Lace and Gemini weren’t carrying around their own personal medicine bags for pre-show warm-ups. Even our former Chairman of the President’s Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, Arnold Schwarzenegger, was a user, so why should we turn our nose up at it now?

 

Of course, I’m kidding. Steroid related deaths of athletes past show the dangers of such irresponsible drug use. One need only recall images of a withering Lyle Alzado in his final days to think twice about putting that stuff into your system. Perhaps Manny missed that memo.

t1_alzado

 

Fortunately, sportschump.net has a strict don’t ask-don’t tell policy regarding drug use, which is why it only took me seconds to knock out this article. As one of my loyal readers and fellow writers, Elk, wisely proclaimed “If [athletes are] willing to sacrifice their long term health for my entertainment, all the power to them.”

 

He’s right. If athletes are selling their souls to the pharmacist, at least they’re getting a good price.

 

38 thoughts on “Steps Towards a Less Steroid-Phobic Society: Everybody Grab a Syringe

  1. The whole steroid thing is total bullshit. First of all, it wasn’t a banned substance under the collective bargaining agreement in MLB. To say that the home runs during that time were tainted, what about all the home runs during the time when the balls were hopped up. The ONLY villian in this whole mess is Bud (light) Selig who turned a blind eye to all of this, so long as there were asses in the seats during those perpetual home run derbys. After the strike shortened season, the owners would do anything to get the fans back. If there’s guilt, then EVERYONE in baseball is guilty.

  2. Well written, but I would add that it really does say alot for the low self esteem we place on ourselves, or in this case those that have used steroids/performance enhancing drugs. Like it or not, the more visibility anyone gets, the more we plain ol’ guys and kids have higher expectations for our perceived heros. It seems hypoctitical for these same athletes to go perform charity work, and talk about giving back and honesty, integrity etc…only to be found out later to be unscrupulous liars. Perhaps they are not, as Sir Charles clearly acknowedges, role models for our kids, but more for the animation and cartoon world. Afterall they transform from one type of person before the juice to a model of decepticon afterward. Sad, I say…just plain sad. Your point to make it legal does have some merit. IF everyone who is guilty of juicing would admit it, they’d have to legalize it or risk …what’s the word…extinction of a sport. The numbers exposed continues to grow. Think about it. IF a sport had to shut down because of juicing violations,thousands of workers at home stadiums, and in front offices, including the commish, would be out of a job. How much more can the economy take! I could go on, but I feel a headache coming on. Oh, my bad, I forgot my juice this morning.

  3. MJ… I agree with you, brother. I’m okay with Bonds, Clemens and the like getting in regardless of their drug use.

    Why don’t you tell us the real reason you’re bitter. Magic lead the Celts two games to one.

  4. Mony… who are you kidding? You’ve never been a plain old guy. Old maybe, but definitely not plain.

    And speaking of juice, take a look at the Tiger post I put up recently. The Big Gu is up at TPC this weekend and there’s a reference to you wearing two hats in there somewhere.

  5. Sportschump aka Chris
    Personally all the brouhaha has to stop as of now. We can
    all apportion the blame. As it’s clear to see where the ultimate
    fault lies. Those who want remain oblivious to it all are just
    being idiots, As I doubt that they’d want their kids taking
    this stuff realizing the harm that it can do.

    So basically it shows their lack of intelligence and immaturity.
    The evidence is loud and clear as to the ultimate
    harm that can be done .
    And that at the end of the day to my
    mind is all that counts. For those out there who feel otherwise
    then that is on them !

    No one it appears wants to be held accountable for their actions even
    when they make an act of contrition that’s about as believable as seeing
    a politician speak with passion to his constituents. We all know that those
    guys are about as trustworthy as your common variety thug .

    tophatal …………..

  6. Sportchump aka Chris
    Here’s my take on the game ‘tween the
    Celtics and Magic. I remember you saying that Van Gundy’s guys
    would begin to give the Celtics some trouble. And that is now the
    case. And based on last night’s evidence they now face an
    uphill battle.

    In order to view just click on the text below.

    We Played The Game To Win But The Magic Were Simply Better ……….

    And by the way don’t waste your time tonight watching the bout between Antonio Tarver and
    Chad Dawson. Tarver still talks a good fight but fails to back it up all too often.
    Dawson is liable to knock him on his a_s_s once again.
    Another guy in the guise of Tarver who just doesn’t know when to quit.
    He’s a has been and a never was all rolled up in the same
    persona.

    tophatal …………..

  7. Hey Chump,
    As Yogi Berra said, “It ain’t over ’til its over.”
    Snake

  8. Imagine how much faster NASCAR drivers could drive? It was just announced Jeremy Mayfield is suspended! He’s a NASCAR driver. The substances were not specifically identified but did say the violations were for more than merely alcohol use. One of his crew members had failed a drug test at Daytona back in February. Ooooh, CAR GO FAST!

  9. Hey man you really have some great ideas-just kidding. Let’s admit it, we leave in a get high society. Let’s get the border completely finished. Wait, the prices will go up! It’s only business, looks like we all missed the memo.

    Pops.

  10. Hey man you really have some great ideas-just kidding. Let’s admit it, we live in a get high society. Let’s get the border completely finished. Wait, the prices will go up! It’s only business, looks like we all missed the memo.

    Pops.

  11. In the future, when a player breaks a baseball record they should be tested. If they test positive, then instead of asterisks…how about MLB adding a new mark or designation behind the player’s name in the record book…a syringe! :0

    Sarcastically, R.

  12. Oh, come off this “purity of sport” nonsense. Does anyone refuse to watch a movie because the leading lady or man has had some cosmetic surgery or botox? Refuse to listen to heroin- or psychedelic- influenced rock and roll or, how’s this for “purity,” exquisite classical music performed by string players who take beta-blockers to steady their hearts and hands?

    No? What is sport but a subset of the entertainment industry? Do you really think owners shell out hundreds of millions for major league teams as admirers of the skill of the contestants? News flash: sports franchises have great value because people buy tickets and merch. Because they enjoy seeing home runs and fast pitches.

    A simple reality check: the San Francisco Giants sold more tickets for games featuring Barry Bonds than they do since his bulked-up biceps have moved on. Bud Siegel and his sycophantic wagertators have this one wrong. And they’re swmming against an overwhelming tide. Let the public have what they want to see.

    And let’s stop the foolish handwringing over the physical effects of high-level competition — at least until beer advertisers boycott the NFL until rule-changes are introduced that save former footballers from hobbling around on devastated knees or in post-concussive seizures for their post-career lives.

    I won’t hold my breath.

  13. Tophat… Vegas casinos should have a line on the next big name baseball player to be linked to steroids. Could be one of soooooo many.

    And I’ll be interested in seeing whether the Magic can go up 3-1 today. I know HDSnake will be watching… nervously.

  14. Athens… there’s another great idea for a post. A breakdown of each individual sports’ drug policy and the enforcement involved. You can leave out the competitive Scrabble if you like.

    That’s one of the great things about basketball. There’s really no major drug problems unless you consider the fact that they don’t actively test for marijuana a problem.

  15. Pops…. that’s an interesting take. It can definitely be argued that professional athletics across the board is so competitive that it’s almost understandable that athletes get whatever edge they can to not only stay atop their game but also land that multi-million dollar contract.

    The problem is that baseball is so self-righteous. It turned a blind eye when they knew darned well what was going on in the sport all along. And now they’re paying the price.

  16. T.E…. Actually, I don’t watch any Meg Ryan movies after she got her face done, although I may have seen her and didn’t recognize her. I haven’t seen any Goldie Hawn flicks since that tragic Botox accident, although I do love me some ‘Foul Play.’ And I don’t do Matty McConaughey movies. Not because of the hair plugs, but because he’s nauseating.

    To your point, I think it’s baseball itself that preaches and pushes its own purity. We fans know the sport is dirty. Apparently baseball needs to take a closer look in the mirror. And when can we finally impeach Selig?

    Sure, the Giants sold more tickets with Bonds in the lineup while he was juiced… allegedy. But in the same breath, the sport knew what was going on. It used the players to rejuvenate itself and is now punishing them. In some respects, that’s like college athletics using students to market itself, earning countless revenue dollars in the meantime and not reimbursing its athletes with anything other than a scholarship.

  17. Well put, SC. The real tragedies are not the would-be Hall of Famers, but the 2nd and 3rd tiers of athletes who ruin their bodies and don’t ever get a fat paycheck to show for it — all the while benefiting the advertisers and everyone else who has a ladle in the revenue stream.

  18. Poor Meg Ryan looks like she has a permanent “JOKER SMILE.”

    I suffer from “shellshock” after a tramautic blogging experience. Is there anything I can take for that?

  19. Dude, why don’t MLB stop with the BS already, they thought they were going to get Bonds, then you had other big name guys get caught, altough Bonds never tested positive one time. Now you got A Rod and now Manny, it’s only a matter of time before MLB get’s itself caught up in a fire storm and people will start leaving the game and not going to the ball park. Final comment, People don’t give a Shirt if these guys are jucing, they come to the ball park to be entertained with home runs and great catches and good base running, afterwards, they go their asses home and wait for the next game. That’s my Truth…

  20. Chris
    It’s obvious that as hard as the Magic played this game’d
    come down to a moment’s of a player’s lapse in concentration.
    And that was what clearly happened as the Celtics
    were able to make that timely last second shot to win the game.

    <a href=” 10 Most Scandalou Women …

    tophatal …………..

  21. So, with Tiger being the “defining athlete of our generation”, and sports figures being entertainers (just like any other for-profit organization hires, like actors from Paramount Pictures or A Band Apart), what does it really matter who does what and when? If you don’t like it, don’t support it. Don’t go see their games or movies.

  22. That’s Entertainment… Great point. It’ll be interesting to see how the health of ALL these athletes is affected over the next 20 years.

    Athens… yeah. Botox!

    Brotha E… when’s the last time you watched a regular season baseball game in its entirety? Now, when’s the last time you watched a basketball game, football game or golf tournament. Exactly. Dude, you watch more poker on tv than you do baseball and you don’t even play the game. Sad state of affairs for our national pastime.

  23. Tophat… As I texted everyone I knew last night, the Magic make it look a lot harder to defend the pick and roll than it actually is.

    Balzac… I think that’s the point. Baseball tries to tell us attendance is up but ratings for anything other than a Red Sox-Yankees series are in the toilet. I’ll ask you the same thing I asked E. When’s the last time you sat down to watch an entire, regular season baseball game on television? I mean, in between your Real World watchings.

  24. I say let them all juice up and their hearts explode before they are 50! They’re all over paid and make little if any good contribution to society except for a few good role models. Most of them do community service AFTER they get busted for some sort of illegal activity. The fans don’t seem to care anyway and continue to pay more and more money to watch them. Now, where did I put that remote?!

  25. ok so this is my take…and mine alone! its all in the head- here drink this makes you bigger, eat this makes you stronger- if your mind believes it then your body can probably do it. im sure steroids gives you a hint of a boost but the rockest had to be in place before hand anyway. so they are hitting them out of the park, make the park bigger and they will hit them out of there as well. so will the sport ever dye out??? i mean if every hit is a home run…thats no fun. will they change the game rules eventualyy…probably.

    basketball heres a clever idea NO DUNKING!!!! see how far that game goes. 🙂

  26. Double D… They’re not placebos, dear. Otherwise Jose Canseco wouldn’t have veins popping out of his foreheards.

    The traditional argument that steroids doesn’t help eye-hand coordination can be neither proven nor refuted.

    And I thought you could dunk.

  27. My Dear Rev,

    There is absolutely nothing I couldnt do with a good ball in my hand! 🙂

  28. Chris If they can’t defend the pick ‘n’ roll then it’s
    obvious that Van Gundy’s coaching staff hasn’t taught ’em all
    the necessities needed to win. Another lackluster performance
    last night once again. And even Howard didn’t appear to have his
    heart in it.

    I’ve been asked my Joey to contribute some pieces to him on the
    NBA over at his site TheBasketBallOracle. And I accepted the
    offer there. Its inception recently came into being and
    is doing quite well. So if at all interested in taking a peek
    ? Here’s a link to the site.

    http://thebasketballoracle.wordpress.com

    I contribute pieces there under the pseudonym abritishman.It has
    a nice ring to it don’t you think ? LOL,LOL !!

    And here’s a piece recently written within that forum.
    In order to view just click on the link provided below.


    What Are You Prepared To Do …?

    tophatal

  29. Tophat… I’ll have a piece up on the Tragic within minutes.

    And I’ve seen Oracle’s site. Very nice.

    I’m gonna copy his chatroll eventually and employ that idea here.

    It’ll be like one big happy Fox community.

  30. Many thanks for sharing this wonderful post. Please hold up this weblog as ensure that it is an example of my preferred web site in my reader, with thanks

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