I’m thinking about starting up my own cutting edge, fantasy league. It will be a year-round event that will incorporate all major sports into one giant competition.
How am I constructing this league, you ask? How will I determine whether a home run holds more value than a touchdown or a triple-double? The answer is simple, my friends.
Athletes will no longer be judged by their statistics on the field but rather by their performance OFF it.
I’m calling my new league the Misdemeanor/Felony Fantasy League or the M.F.L. It’s bound to attract thousands of participants nationwide so get in while you can. I’m still working on an effective scoring system, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Suggestions, as always, are welcome.
A player is caught cheating on his taxes…. 15 points
A player is caught committing adultery…. 10 points for each incident, 25 points if it’s a same sex partner
A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly….. 5 points
A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with a firearm…. 10 points
A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with drugs and a firearm… 15 points for the trifecta
A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with drugs, a firearm and a prostitute… 20 points for the quadruple-double
A player starts a fight at a club or adult establishment… 10 points, 5 points for every hospitalized injury
A player shoots someone … 20 points
A player accidentally shoots himself … 30 points
A player is caught stealing his own memorabilia… 15 points
A player states in the media that “he can’t afford to feed his family”…. 15 points
A player is caught gambling at an illegal dog-fighting ring… 10 points
A player is caught housing an illegal dog-fighting ring… 25 points
A player is caught beating an animal… 15 points
A player calls out his coach or teammate in the media…. 5 points
A player is suspended for ‘tweeting’… 5 points
A player is caught in a ‘compromising position’… 10 points
A player refers to himself in the third person during an interview… 5 points for each occurrence
A player is ejected from a game…. 5 points
A player flips off the crowd… 10 points
A player abuses his spouse… 20 points
A player physically confronts a fan (includes spitting)… 15 points
A player physically confronts a fan during a game…. 20 points
A player holds out from training camp…. 10 points
A player wins MVP of his league… MINUS 20 points
A player is seen in Las Vegas betting over a million dollars a hand…. 5 points
A player is caught taking an illegal performance enhancing substance… 10 points
A player enters himself into alcoholics, narcotics or gamblers anonymous… 20 points
A player is caught with a minor… 20 points
A player is convicted of murder… 50 points
A player contributes to charitable causes…. MINUS 30 points
A player has child out of wedlock… 5 points per child, 10 points per partner
A player is caught gambling on his sport or accused of throwing a game… 15 points
A player refuses a trade…. 5 points
A player lies to a grand jury… 15 points
A player is seen as clubhouse leader and leads his team to a championship… MINUS 20 points
Add 20 points for every internet published mug shot.
The rules: Each fantasy league participant is allowed to pick a total of EIGHT players, plus ONE coach/manager, to field his roster: 2 from the NFL, 2 from Major League Baseball, 2 from the NBA, and 2 from any other professional sports league, i.e., NASCAR, PGA Tour, MLS, UFC, NHL, etc. A traditional draft will be held with no salary cap or monetary value assigned to players as they’re already getting paid enough.
At the end of the season, the winning GM gets honorary claim to the PacMan Jones/Isiah Thomas/Michael Vick “Trophy of Character.” Happy drafting and may the worst team win.