A woman’s guide to coping with fantasy football addicts

I was sitting at a local watering hole when the gentleman beside me started going on and on about his fantasy football team.  Like I had nothing else better to do than listen to him discuss how he drafted the Redskins defense in the 7th round.

fantasy-football-partyFor those of you still unfamiliar with Fantasy Football… welcome to planet earth.  Sports fans, mostly men who think they are perfectly capable of running a professional sports franchise, gather once a year to draft football players at each position and field their own team.  Normally wings, beer and bad jokes are served, while guys who are too short, too slow and too uncoordinated to play the game, draft players they think will garner them enough yards, receptions and touchdowns to crown them Fantasy Football king.

Now, if this guy annoyed me, a football fan, after only a few brief minutes of hearing him talk about his third string wide receiver, it got me thinking how the wives, women and girlfriends of millions of men around the country cope with these very same conversations.

So, for those girlfriends out there who have had enough of their man’s childhood fixation with running his own rotisserie team, sportschump.net has come up with some valuable advice to help you make it through the season with a smile.

Go Shopping:  If your man zones out on Sundays, take his credit card and run to the mall for your own fantasy spree.  If he’s in a league where he gets paid out for success, tell him you were so confident in his ability to draft a winning team, that you were just celebrating his impending victory by buying yourself something nice.

Curb the Talk:  The last thing your man wants to hear is who was on Oprah this week.  Similarly, the last thing you want to hear is how many points Adrian Peterson earned him in Week Five.  Make sure he understands there’s a time and a place for such talk, and that’s away from you and with his friends.

lingerie_party_yh3eHost Your Own Fantasy Party:  When your man gathers with his friends to argue whether Peyton or Eli Manning brings greater value, get your girls together for a sex toy or lingerie party.  Remind him that he’s not invited.  It’ll distract him from his football by wondering what you and your twelve hottest friends could possibly be doing with lace, lotion and a handful of batteries.  Now tell me which fantasy he’d rather be involved in.

The Player Cuteness Factor:  Careful with this technique for it could send your man into a jealous frenzy.  If he drafted Tom Brady or Reggie Bush, sit there with him as he’s checking their stats and tell him how cute the players look in their tight uniforms.  Again, this might warrant anger or even worse a hidden man-crush, so use this method only if you’re prepared for the consequences.

Walk Around Naked: If this tried and true technique doesn’t distract your man away his fantasy team, then it’s time to find a new man for his priorities are clearly out of whack.  Yes, ladies, football is important to us, but remind your man to keep things in perspective.  If skimpy lingerie isn’t more titillating than a Brett Favre six touchdown game, then it might be time to check your man into fantasy football rehab.

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Plenty of women have now joined fantasy football leagues.  However, if you’re not a football fan, grab some friends and create a fantasy league of your own.  Base it on Dancing with the Stars, Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City reruns (Be sure to get a big TV; find a good deal or sale, because that’s what we girls do best!). Host a draft party and invite your friends over for wine and cheese.  Be sure to belch repeatedly for effect if your man happens to be in attendance.  You can allot league points for how many times the Housewives bag either a lawn boy, neighbor or someone else’s husband.  Or better yet, join his fantasy league and beat the tar out of him and his friends.  Then talk smack about how little he knows about sports.

39 thoughts on “A woman’s guide to coping with fantasy football addicts

  1. Chris Humpherys

    I’m in the office fantasizing about one of the secretaries here. I was just wondering whether or not she’d be interested in a threesome . Chances are however, that’s not what she wants. But I’ll just keep that particular thought at the back of my mind and then wait ’til the office Christmas party comes up.

    I’ve never been one about fantasy football much less any of the other major sports. It’s far too time consuming. I much prefer the here and now as to the events actually taking place on the field of play.

    As to the guys within ESPN and Fox . Their noses are so close to Favre’s sphinctre , that a whiff and they could possibly tell you what he had to eat last night. As to Schlereth , he’s quite possibly licked Favre’s prostate. He’s become Madden’s replacement in the man-love devotion to Favre. I’m waiting for that first Brokeback Mountain moment between the two. Now that’ll be priceless !

    Dropped this piece on Cable Hanson blowup within the Raiders’ organization.

    It’s The Same Old Raiders And Absolutely Nothing Has Changed They Continue To Stink Up The Joint ….

    Alan Parkins

  2. You’re right on the money with fantasy football, Al.

    I just don’t have time for it although my friend has roped me into it this year… unfortunately.

    I hear the odds on Minnesota winning the Bowl as gone from 25:1 to 12:1 with the addition of cash for clunkers.

  3. I did it once…then didn’t realize I hadn’t covered my players’ bye weeks w/ other players….so I just kept my roster the same…ended up trading great players for lousy players to make everyone happy. I ended up in 4th place. lol

  4. That’s the thing, Lis. Like Al said, it’s so time-consuming. Most of us have other worries other than remembering to replace our starting RB during a bye week.

    Adrian Peterson may be the best back in the league but he’ll likely lose to some guy that gets lucky against a porous defense and racks up 150 yards one Sunday.

    A/K suited may look good pre-flop, but we all know it doesn’t win every hand.

  5. Chris

    Fantasy football in its importance ranks up there right about now as to the rankering that’s going on about healthcare reform . One way or another it’s what you make of it. Some want it or like it. While others just can’t bear it !

    Personally I believe that both can co-exist one alongside the other. At least give people the option. It’s not as if it’s not in place already. And if anything the way that it’s being handled . One would’ve thought that it could’ve been done with a great deal more adroitness and intelligence to begin with.

    Does Favre put his pants on one leg at a time ? Cause the way that Chris Mortensen and Schlereth continually gush over him. I’m beginning to question their man-hood. It borders on being homo-erotic and then some !

    Alan Parkins

  6. Great stuff Chris! I’m going to forward this to my wife. She can use some help dealing with my fantasy football pursuits!

  7. Did you see Schlaereth’s reaction right after the Favre press conference? He was almost in tears saying he had him at hello?

    I think he has a picture of him in his locker.

  8. Chris

    Topic of the day . There ain’t no party like a West Coast party. Unless you happen to be in Memphis that is ? What the _uck was Calipari up to with the Tigers during their 07-08 NCAA Final Four run ? They’ve had to vacate all 30 plus wins ? Plus the allegations of one Derrick Rose’s cousins taking his SAT’s ? Now Calipari’s being entrusted with another coaching job ? I was born at night but definitely not last night ! What the hell are the Kentucky Wildcats thinking ? Calipari makes Kelvin Sampson seem like Pope John Paul II
    .

    Report: Memphis to vacate Final Four season ….

    Whoa, Nelly ! Is that what they ought to be condoning ? Calipari is nowhere near as innocent as he’s making out to be ! The guy condones any type of action by his players as long as it attains a win for the program.

    And down goes Burress , down goes Burress. He pleads guilty , cops to a 2 year sentence . Hopefully someone’ll toss his salad ! That way he’ll end up being someone’s bi_ch !

    Alan Parkins

  9. Chris

    I wonder what Derrick Rose’s IQ is ? Damn ,things have got to be real tough if you’ve got a family member allegedly taking your SAT’s ! How _uked is the system there within the state of Tennessee to begin with ? Who check the participants’ ID’s when they step into the classrooms to take the tests ? I suppose they get members from the local chapter of the ADA , in particular the ones who are blind !

    Alan Parkins

  10. Al… basically everybody looks bad in the Calipari case. Him, Rose, Rose’s family, the University, the NCAA.

    How does something like that slip through the cracks?

    I’m wondering whether UK will keep close tabs on him or allow him to do what he does best: cheat.

  11. Chris

    SAT’s and DDT are one and the same to a numb skull like Derrick Rose. It’s not so much that it fell through the cracks. More so , no one gave a damn. And we’re led to believe that the NCAA can be entrusted to oversee collegiate athletics ? Those a-holes couldn’t find the pyramids in Egypt even if they were handed a compass, a map and a local guide. Myles Brand is a complete a_s !

    This may seem like small fry when you consider what’s allegedly gone on at USC and FSU. But it’s a sad indictment of the education system and that of collegiate athletics.

    Man oh man and people opine as to how good the education system is meant to be here ? Someone’s in denial at present . Because on the face of it , it’s not all it’s cracked up to be !

    Here’s my take on the Memphis Tigers’ situation.

    Elvis Has Left The Building And So Too Did John Calipari Who Knew ?

    And beneath , here’s a piece on uber-agents Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus

    Oh Mr Boras What Big Eyes You Have And Oh What A Big Mouth You’ve Got All The Mire To Gobble Up The Gullible Owners And GM’s Of Baseball …..

    As and when you’re ready I’ll look forward to reading your comments.

    Alan Parkins

  12. Chris

    My kindred spirit and fellow Caribbean set the world alight again. Usain Bolt just shattered the world record in the finals of the mens’s 200m clocking 19.19 secs -lowering his own record by 0.11 God knows what he’s liable to do , if and when he chooses to move up the 400m event Michael Johnson’s record (43.29) is bound to fall !

    Bolt gets gold, another record in 200 at worlds

    Alan Parkins

  13. Be right over to check out the posts.

    I wonder if Derrick Rose walked around campus his freshman year at least somewhat concerned that he was living a lie. Was he just biding his time until the NBA came calling?

  14. Chris

    It’s the same stadium where they held the ’36 Berlin Olympics . You know the one where Hitler espoused his view to the masterful Aryan race. Only to have Jesse Owens come along and dominate by whupping some German as_ !

    And no I’m just stating a fact. Who’s to say that MLB hasn’t missed a few names off the list ? Rumor has it that Capt America, Derek Jeter is on it ? You can imagine the uproar if that were true can’t you ? There’d be hell to pay ! LOL, LOL, LOL !!!! Holy cow ! How could they have overlooked his name ?

    There’s a storm brewing now in Berlin as to the alleged female who won the women’s 800m race . The IAAF now want her to undergo a gender test. Well unless she’s had her block and tackle snipped . What’s all the fuss about ?

    Athlete Semenya’s family brush off the gender issue

    Is she Daddy’s little girl or Daddy’s little boy ? I’ll let you be the judge of that.

    Alan Parkins

  15. The Owens moment has to rank the greatest moment in this nation’s history. Enough with all that Miracle on Ice stuff.

    If Jeter’s name surfaces, the world may end as we know it.

    I heard the story about the ‘woman’ who won that race. Pretty insulting stuff, particularly if they’re wrong. Remember all that crap that Ewing had to go through at Georgetown?

  16. Naked women, lingerie, now you are finally writing about some interesting things.

    Why not expand on it by using those subjects for your next caption contest?

  17. Chris

    For me the world has already ended with regard to Capt America. Jeter’s had so much Hollywood tail that it’s downright scary ! How much energy can one guy have and still play baseball ? LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    It’s not only insulting but downright reprehensible. And then to top it all these are some of the same a_sholes who were questioning the ages of the Chinese gymnasts competing in Beijing.

    I see the man love and wanderlust for Favre has gone up several notches within ESPN . It now borders on homo eroticism and then some ! I guess that someone’ll soon be be calling Madden to come out of retirement ?

    Alan Parkins

  18. “Jeter: The Memoirs” Now THAT’S a baseball book I’d read. How has a sex tape not surfaced with this guy already?

    The guys on Fox sports radio have already hinted at a Maddon comeback. If only it were Howard Cosell.

  19. Chris

    In all honesty that has to be the single greatest moment in terms of a personal accomplishment in sports. The Miracle On Ice wasn’t all that to begin with. As it dealt with more about, a great deal of xenophobia, more than anything else !

    I’d also rank Aaron’s breaking of the home run record as another great moment. But it’s really hard to judge team sport against that of an individual effort ! That’s why when people tend to harp on about Jordan . I don’t really put much store in it to begin with. Whilst it was great in the moment. You tend to forget it after a while.

    It’s not until it gets flashed up on ESPN Classic that one tends to take note and remember the actual event. Truly great sporting moments you tend to remember forever without having to recall who actually did what. You just know each singular event that took place without fail and where you were at the time . If you actually witnessed in some form or another.

    Alan Parkins

  20. Chris

    Will this be a sign of things to come with the Bucs ? I know that Raheem wants the players for all sense and purpose to be tough. But where the hell did he suggest that you had to go about beating up local cabbies to promote your manhood ? Aqib Talib, please stand up and take a bow.

    Bucs’ Talib arrested for hitting a cabbie

    Couldn’t he have found an octagenerian female to rape or perhaps molested a young boy ? WTF ? The dumbest of the dumb , it’d appear either end up in the NFL. But why is it that it has to be with the Bucs ? Jerramy Stephens, Talib and off-course there was the wife beater Michael Pittman, allegedly. LOL, LOL,LOL !!

    I heard Roger Cossack a noted criminal attorney and ESPN legal analyst state that Burress’ sentence was too harsh ! On what friggin’ planet has this guy been living on ? Did not occur to him that once Burress entered the club with an unlicensed weapon everyone who was in the club was placed in danger ? Where the f-_k do they find these people to give their views on ESPN ? Some local dive where they go looking for a down on their luck a_hole ?

    Alan Parkins

  21. I think the difference between the Aaron/Owens moments and anything Jordan accomplished is that the former moments meant something on a larger, social scale.

    Jordan was the man and set the modern standard for excellence in the game but that’s about it. I think even he’d say his accomplishments pale in comparison to the other two.

  22. I need to read the local papers to find out the details on the Bucs players involved.

    Morris is young and players will get behind him but they can’t abuse his authority and he can’t let them.

    We’re about to see Morris age quite a bit this season right before our very eyes.

  23. Chris

    Before this is season is over we may well see Morris go gray and age just any of the sitting Presidents have done in their first term. Obama’s already looking as if he wish he were back in Illinois. God-damn he’s aged ! And to think the only reason he ended up winning the Senate seat there . Was because Jack Ryan had a sexual proclivity for wanting to share his wife with others at a swingers’ club.

    The Jack Ryan in this case, was married to actress Jeri Ryan of ‘Star Trek’ fame. She played the Borg ‘Seven’ in the series.

    Here are some tasteful pics.

    Jeri Ryan montage ……

    The Bucs may well go 7-9 at best or 5-11. I can’t see them winning anymore than that, at all.

    I for one am not overly impressed with their roster to begin with ! But then again you can only make lemonade out of lemons and not much else. You make classic champagne out of really good grapes. LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    You’d suggested I do a piece on Goodell and DeMaurice Smith. Well here it is .

    Are We Not Human Do We Not Bleed ? We Do Have Emotions As Well …….

    Alan Parkins

  24. Chris

    Don’t get me wrong I’m as appreciative of the feats that Jordan has achieved. But in reality he was under no great pressure at the time. And one has to remember as you suggest the social tolerance of Aaron and Owens wasn’t that all amenable to begin with. And we’re talking about them being here in the land of their birth.

    Furthermore, look at how both Joe Louis and Jack Johnson were treated. In the case of Louis they only cheered for him because he beat Max Schmelling’ a_s ! As for Johnson they berated the guy merely because he was with a white woman. The same woman he ended up marrying mind you. Albeit that you had these friggin’ archaic laws at the time.

    Now members of Congress (Sen. John McCain R Az, Rep Pete King R-Ny & Rep Jesse Jackson Jr D-Ill ) are now said to be working on a Presidential pardon for Johnson after all these years.

    A resolution has been passed in the House. But I doubt that the Senate’ll have much time for it. They’re to busy watching their as_es when it comes to healthcare reform. They don’t want to pi_s off too many of their constituents as it is. As if they haven’t done so as it is already ? LOL, LOL,LOL !!!

    House passes Jack Johnson pardon resolution …..

    Alan Parkins

  25. The only pressure that Jordan faced was the pressure he put on himself.

    That’s why when Jim Brown pipes up about athletes like Jordan, Tiger or LeBron taking a stand, there’s really not much for them to take a stand on.

    This isn’t the 60s.

  26. FSW…. I knew I’d get some hits from your site if I posted a link there.

    Glad you liked the piece.

    I for one, do not play fantasy football. Way too time consuming and way too much luck involved. I’d rather bet on the games outright.

    After all, that’s what really matters, isn’t it?

  27. Yeah yeah yeah I have heard it all before…parade around naked…if you cant beat him…join him (yeah cause THAT’s a geat idea – NOT)

    I have come up with a few ideas of my own to help other women “cope” during the fantasy season.

    How about these:

    1) Take PRIVATE language lessons from Giovanni the (HOT) Italian exchange student who is staying with the Wilsons down the street

    2) Start a new home project “Honey I am going to borrow your Home Depot Card. What? Why? Oh I don’t know I was just thinking about making some changes around the house…You like granite don’t you?”

    3) Get away with the girls! “Oh no you can have your draft here no problem…actually we were talking about a girls weekend…flights to Vegas are REALLY cheap right now..”

    6) Do your part to Save the Economy – Shop Away Ladies! Retail Therapy is a great cure for any blues…

    7) Send them to http://www.womeagainstfantasysports.com

  28. Karie… Very glad you enjoyed the post.

    This piece was actually published in a few different magazines so apparently it’s a crisis that affects the nation every fall.

  29. Pingback: Football Widow ALERT: Fantasy Football Tops Internet porn | Rita Watson: Relationships

  30. Brande… It didn’t take as long as you might think.

    And Rita…. are you all already starting to feel it in Week Two? You’ll be proud to know I am in ZERO fantasy football league this year.

    Hooray for me.

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