Random Chumpservations

Since the inception of sportschump.net in April of 2009, I’ve written countless narratives about the world of sports.  Yet the one piece that people remember most was not my detailed breakdown of the NBA Finals, the wild card races or my football season previews, but rather… the fact that, when I go to the deli, I order a third of a pound of cold cuts.  In that particular chumpdate, I went on to explain that, for me “a half a pound is too much, a quarter pound is never enough.  Like the baby bear’s bed to Goldilocks, a third of a pound is just right.”

 

Well, I hereby introduce more Chumpservations, some sports related, some not so much.  At the risk of sounding too much like Steven Wright, Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld all rolled into one, here goes….

 

 

dress-socksWorking out in dress socks: Fashion faux-pa?  Apparently not.

I strolled into my local YMCA the other afternoon, bopping to some Tribe on my iPod.  It was just after four in the afternoon.  The gentleman checking in just in front of me appeared eager to work out as well.  He walked into the gym with his workout clothes already on… with one glaring exception.  He was wearing dress socks. 

 

The guy wasn’t in his eighties, wearing sandals and playing shuffleboard.  He was middle-aged, wearing work out shorts, a t-shirt and sneakers.  But with dark, dress socks.

 

Look, I’m only a fashion plate in my own mind but dude, come on.  In fact, I probably shouldn’t say this but I do believe I’ve pulled up to the gym before, realized I didn’t pack plain, white sweat socks in my workout bag, and turned back around, realizing I just didn’t need to work out quite that badly that day. 

 

Ok, so maybe I am a fashion plate. 

 

 

deck-of-cardsHow college football is like poker

College football is the most fickle of all sports.  One mistake, one botched punt, one failed first down, one incompletion could ruin a season and any chance at a national championship.  Rarely do teams get a second chance.

 

Similarly, single- or multi-table poker tournaments allow little room for error.  One can amass huge stacks of chips, much like a top-ranked football team can log win after win.  But one bad call, one wrong push, one unlucky draw and that chip stack could disappear as quickly as the title hopes of a one-loss team.

 

Like a professional poker player with millions of dollars at stake, college football coaches and players must tread wisely and carefully with every dealt hand.  One misstep and you’re out of the tournament until next season or until your next buy-in.

 

 

 

receptionist­Solving the unemployment problem with a single phone call

Sportschump.net is not a full-time job.  Actually, it is.  It just doesn’t pay like one.  As I’m currently looking for gainful employment much like the rest of the country, I’ve been calling the Florida unemployment hotline to inquire about my benefits. 

 

Except every time I call, I get a message saying “All representatives are busy right now.  Please try your call again later.”

 

Well, if the unemployment offices are all understaffed, can’t we just employ some of those currently looking for work and train them to answer these phone calls?  I mean, if the unemployment hotline is shorthanded, I’m sure a good number of the people that are calling would jump at the opportunity for a paycheck.

 

Problem solved.  Get me the president.

 

 

 

calhounsSports affiliations and the proverbial ‘we’

I was playing poker with some friends the other night.  As football season is finally among us, we were all discussing that weekend’s slate of games.  When my alma mater, the Florida Gators, came up, I commented that we should easily handle the team we were playing that week.  One of the guys at the table (a Seminole) responded “We??  Did you play for the Gators?”

 

I’ve often thought that my dual degrees from the university and the thousands I paid for tuition over the years qualified me to use the term we when referring to my school, just as I would say we when referring to any of my other sports allegiances.  As Herm Edwards would say, “that’s the great thing about sports.”  It allows us fans to associate with a team, a clan, a brotherhood with which we can identify.  It doesn’t matter that we never took the field.  Many of us fans have celebrated highs and suffered lows more than the athletes themselves.

 

So sports fans, I encourage you.  When referring to your team, use the word we.  It’s perfectly okay.  If someone calls you out, tell them to stick it.  After all, that’s the great thing about sports.

39 thoughts on “Random Chumpservations

  1. I never work out in dress socks unless I remember the garters; otherwise, the damn things just don’t stay up.

  2. Now it would be really hilarious if a woman showed up at the gym with knee high nylons and athletic attire. Wait, are those support hose for her tired calves?

    And hey, WE beat Ohio State!

  3. Ha! Nice observation on the unemployment situation. I have often wondered that myself, but I think I know why they wouldn’t hire more people to staff the phones: that would mean they would actually have to hire qualified people who– due only to the recession, and not ineptitude–have lost their jobs.

    God forbid we ever have intelligence working in our government!

  4. Hey Steven Wright, Andy Rooney and Jerry Seinfeld. Very funny observations. Personally, I like working out while wearing pantyhose. It makes me feel super sexy.lol
    Six more weeks until the Celtics make their bid for the 2010 NBA championship. Ubuntu!!!

  5. Chris

    So Serena was trying to play down her tirade at the US Open ? She never actually threatened the umpire with death , so to speak. Other than the fact that she reiterated what she’d like to do with the tennis ball and a certain part of the umpire’s anatomy. I bet that the crowd would’ve indeed welcomed the spectacle of seeing that ?

    What now for the NBA , should the umpires there, go on strike this upcoming season ?

    Alan Parkins

  6. Lisa Lisa… congrats on that big win. You must have been beside yourself.

    Impressive work by the Trojans and for the Bucks, it’s back to the same old drawing board.

  7. That was a wild finish at the Open, Al. Not even a McEnroe tirade could compare.

    I’m thinking about trying out to become a scab ref. At least I know a travel when I see one.

  8. Chris

    Serena knows that she played awfully. And it just added fuel to the fire with which the way the match ended.

    Did you see that incredible shot made by Federer against Djokovic ? The guy is insane ! It ought to be a good final between he and Del Potro. I can see it possibly going to 5 sets .

    Unfortunately for the Bucs they met a red hot Cowboys’ team. Can we now agree that Morris should’ve sent Ronde Barber packing ? He couldn’t tackle his grandmother if his life depended on it. If anything he’s probably just as slow as her.

    Way to go Irish. What a comedown against Michigan . Hey Lou Holtz how’s that national title aspiration now looking ? Pardon me , I didn’t hear that ’cause of all of the saliva you sent my way in your response. LOL, LOL, LOL !!!!!

    Alan Parkins

  9. Al… that Federer shot was INSANE!! A winner from between his legs?

    I actually thought it was Piscitelli that was getting burned in coverage more than Barber. Like I mentioned in that Bucs post, they’re dangerously prone to giving up the big play through the air. Nice job by Garrett to scout that and pick them apart.

    And that was a mix of Holtz’ saliva and tears.

  10. Chris

    Both Piscatelli and Barber are proned to the be burned in those type of coverages. Neither possesses any speed whatsoever. Ronde ought to be receiving his AARP card . As he no longer has what it takes.

    See my latest .

    The Emperor Has No New Clothes ………

    When Lou salivates and then speaks- everyone runs for cover and that’s no lie !

    Federer and Del Potro should be one hell of a match. He , Woods and Bolt have to be the most dominant athletes on the planet at present.

    Alan Parkins

  11. Hey Rev, I like that part about claiming a team. I always try to stay away from writing we when refering to my favorite teams, but as you said ” Many of us fans have celebrated highs and suffered lows more than the athletes themselves.” It is a point well taken and from now on I will proudly claim my teams, even if they are the Bucs and Rays.

    Go Gators!

  12. Chris

    Who the hell was Keyse Soze ? More to the point who knows who Juan Martin Del Potro is ? Now the whole world knows after today’s result at the US Men’s Open is Flushing New York. Did Federer fall asleep at the wheel ?

    Here’s my latest . It’s on boxing but do listen to the video piece inserted wherein boxing promoter Bob Arum goes of on a homophobic and racial rant. Is it any wonder that the sport is now in such a frig_in’ mess ? It can’t step over all of the fecal matter that it’s placed within its own path way over the years.

    A Sad State of Affairs …………..

    As and when you’re ready I’ll look forward to reading your comments.

    Alan Parkins

  13. Chris

    You know it’s getting bad for the Bucs when the Glazers will finally come out and ask residents in Tampa to attend the games. In doing so they’ll no doubt throw in the customary bagel & cheese and a glass of water to boot. How the hell can they expect to run the franchise like a bunch of misers and at the same time not be intent on investing in talent on the field of play ?

    They’re several million dollars under the cap and the Bucs’ roster reads like a list of who’s who, in terms of lackluster talent. Like I said , they’re in deep financial trouble because of the purchase of Manchester Utd. Many didn’t believe me when I first mentioned it. Now the chickens are coming home to the roost- lay their eggs and there’s not enough room in the hen-house.

    The so called real Bucs’ fans ought to be questioning the real intent of the ownership. As there’s something they’re not telling the fans to begin with.
    Tens of millions of dollars under the cap and your roster looks as if you went shopping at the Piggly Wiggly.
    But then again need I say anymore ?

    Alan Parkins

  14. Chris

    So the Pats gets the job done but seemingly the Raiders can’t win but for the want of making it easy for others to defeat them . Nothing has really changed as ususal. Except for this year the fact that JeMarcus Russell has graduated up from asking questions as to the Raiders’ playbook and he’s now being assisted by using Crayola and a join the dots coloring book to make his life somewhat easier in that endeavor.

    How the hell can you end up with a 47.6 % completion rating for a game ?

    Russell’s stats 12/30 ,208 yds, 1 sack , 1TD, 2INT’s for a 47.6 % passer efficiency rating .

    Eye popping numbers </em? in terms of their mediocrity , don’t you think ?

    Alan Parkins

  15. Apparently Federer had himself a little meltdown a la Serena late in the third set.

    He actually curses. Imagine that.

    I’ll be over to check out the boxing piece when I have the time to give it the justice it deserves.

    Looks like a good, informative piece.

  16. So much for TO’s accusations of Garcia, huh?

    Heartbreaking losses for the underdogs last night. But good teams get it done in the end and that’s what SD and NE did.

    What in the world was that Bills return man thinking???

  17. Last time I was at the golf course, at least half the guys were wearing black ankle socks.

    Even though I’ve never called my fave pro teams ‘we’, I have felt physicaly sick over some losses, back in my younger days. And wondered if the players who were laughing on the sidelines felt as bad as I did.

  18. Nice job, Chris. I’ll be looking for you on “60 Minutes” in the near futre post-Andy).

    Quoting Herm Edwards, huh? Perhaps you could run one of his quotes every week to fire up your readers…”You play to win the game!!”

    BTW, what does one have to do to become a Friend Of The Chump? I can dare to dream, right?

  19. Han… I did see Federer was wearing dark socks in his Finals match against Del Potro… and lost. He must not be reading sportschump.

    And I guarantee I’ve taken some losses over the years harder than some of the players on the field.

  20. Thanks for you insight into dress socks and sneakers. I might also add that white socks with dress shoes or any shoes that are not white is just as tragic! You are a true fashion plate 🙂

  21. Rebecca… thank you very much for stopping by. Always happy to see fellow Loafers floating around the Chump.

    Fortunately, I stopped wearing white socks and dress shoes in high school, but I think that was in back then… NOT!!!

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