Chumpservations, Vol. 12 Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll edition: Lawrence Taylor, Oprah Winfrey, John Tesh and marijuana use at the University of Florida

Sex: Lawrence Taylor

I was watching the disturbing news about Lawrence Taylor this week when something other than the actual atrocities of the situation struck me as odd.  In the English language, we have a slew of ways, a myriad of manners, an array of avenues to describe any one particular thing.

But after all these years, there’s still amazingly only one word for pimp.

As the story broke, I listened to reporter after reporter reveal the sordid details of that evening.  Every time they mentioned the word pimp, it amazed me that we have yet to invent a more acceptable word to describe this profession.  Despite the entrepreneurial spirit of those who have chosen that line of work, pimp just seems like an inappropriate word to say on television.  If you’ve never had to explain to your kids what pimp meant, you did after watching Thursday’s news.

We’re an imaginative folk.  Can’t we do any better?  In Night Shift, one of the most underrated comedies of all time, Michael Keaton encourages his colleague Henry Winkler to supplement their mundane lives as morgue night-watchmen by becoming pimps.  In the film, Keaton tells Winkler “Pimp is such an ugly word.  We should call ourselves Love Brokers.”  Despite Keaton’s comedic brilliance, his suggestion never caught on.  We’re still stuck with only one abrasive, four-letter word to describe this trade.

Maybe we never came up with another word to punish pimps for their unseemly lifestyle.  Or perhaps rappers like Jay-Z made the word fashionable enough to keep around.  Either way, pimp has a monopoly on the word pimp. There’s no other way to describe it.

Our legal system will eventually determine Lawrence Taylor’s fate, although he probably already did so the morning he stepped into a hotel room with a 16 year old girl.  My lifelong friend, a diehard Giants fan, has already packed away all his LT gear, never to be seen again except at his next eBay fire sale.

We might never know what happened that regrettable evening.  It’s too late for LT… but it’s not too late for us to come up with a more palatable word for pimp before the next time an athlete does something stupid.

Any suggestions?

Drugs: Marijuana use and the Florida Gators

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I was never expelled from the University of Florida for taking drugs.  I wasn’t on scholarship, however, nor did I play football in front of 90,000 rabid fans even though my intramural softball team did beat Shane Matthews and a number of other Gator greats, but that’s a story for another time.

Recently, the Orlando Sentinel reported that, according to one former Florida cornerback, up to 75% of the 2006 team smoked marijuana.  That’s a pretty high number… no pun intended.

How did this not leak out earlier?  I guess what happens in the locker room truly stays in the locker room, even if the fumes seep out from under the doors like Spicoli’s van.

Percy Harvin failed a drug test at the 2009 NFL combine.  This year, former Florida tight end Aaron Hernandez also admitted to failing a drug test.  The Boston Globe reported that his draft status dropped as a result, a report Hernandez later denied.  At least we know now what it means when a player is suspended for undisclosed reasons.

Ultimately, every man is responsible for his own actions but how much responsibility does Urban Meyer and the Florida coaching staff have in all this?  I would imagine it’s nearly impossible to police all 85 scholarship athletes.  Many criticized Meyer for not making Tim Tebow more NFL-ready by adjusting his throwing motion, but constantly monitoring off-the-field behavior of his players is a different animal altogether.

Elite college football programs are under intense scrutiny when it comes to the actions of their players.  Like any major corporation, its employees constitute its image.  Coaches can suspend players like Carlos Dunlap after getting arrested for DUI the week of the biggest game of his life, but they can’t monitor them 24/7.  College kids are still college kids.  They’re going to make mistakes.  Temptation is everywhere, particularly for nineteen year olds, deified as they walk around campus.

Ultimately, it’s up to the student-athlete to use his best judgment.  And that’s probably to put down the joint the day of a big game.

But hey, who am I to throw stones?

Rock n’ Roll: John Tesh

A friend recently e-mailed me the shocking news that Oprah Winfrey was once romantically involved with none other than John Tesh.

Most of us were taken aback by this rendezvous but after thinking about it, the affair seems perfectly natural.  After all, Tesh graced sports fans with one of the greatest theme songs ever.

Since the birth of rock and roll, women have dropped their drawers for musicians, so it’s only appropriate that Oprah was wooed by Tesh’s soothing sounds.  Why not?  The rest of us were.  NBA fans have been humming his work for years.  Instead of being ridiculed for his smooth jazz stylings, Tesh is untouchable in the sports community for his contribution.  Someone get Kenny G’s agent on the phone and have him work up a new MMA theme.

But back to Oprah.  Were she and Tesh involved when he penned the tune?  Did he come up with it while snuggled next to her in bed, wearing their matching, monogrammed silk pajamas as she dreamed of making her next billion?  Was Oprah Tesh’ muse?  And if so, why hasn’t Stedman Graham ever had a Top 40 hit?  Now that she and Tesh are split, does Oprah have to change the channel when the NBA comes on or does she watch intently, reminiscing of a fonder time, while Stedman storms out of the room saying “I’m not watching this!”

At least we know now that even Oprah is human, easily succumbed to the sound of music and those who write it.  You can thank me later for posting Tesh’s NBA theme.  If you end up humming it later, don’t worry.  I have been for years.

57 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 12 Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll edition: Lawrence Taylor, Oprah Winfrey, John Tesh and marijuana use at the University of Florida

  1. How many people do you think turned their back on LT’s cocaine use while he was with the Giants.
    Teenagers getting high in Florida? Surely you jest.
    All I can say about the Oprah and Tesh thing is that Connie Selleca makes for a fine upgrade.

  2. Chris

    I think that sex and money are far more preferable ! The moment that drugs becomes a part of that equation you’re doomed. Can someone tell LT’s lawyer to shut the hell up ? Much like Ben’s lawyer the guy doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. If nothing sexual took place in the hotel room then how the hell does he know what took place ? I can’t think that LT was there to give her Bible studies ! Do you think that was the case ?

    Tiger dropped out The Players Championship because of a bulging disk in his neck ? What a pity he couldn’t use that as an excuse to the bevvy of skanks that he’d nailed . ‘Sorry babe I can’t sc_ew ’cause of bulging disk in my neck ‘ ! Chick replies ‘but I’m only interested in the bulging disk in your pants ‘ !

    It ain’t pretty but it’s gettin’ cheesy ! Are the Cavs still capable of beating the Celtics without the series going to seven games ?

    Shaq’ Legacy ….

    Alan Parkins

  3. I’m choreographing a new Step Aerobics routine as I listen to Tesch’s NBA song. I had never heard the entire song! OMG, does this ever end? I can imagine the Magic doing their pre-game warm up dances to this. Thanks Chris..I’ll be humming it all day now.

    Pimp = Sex Broker. There is no love involved at all, except perhaps the love of money.

    Student/Athletes and how to monitor them? I don’t see any harm in holding them to much higher standards than other young people. They are practically “employees” of the college. And it is the college that will pay the consequences should the NCAA decide that sanctions must be given. So it is within the college’s to monitor a student/athlete’s behavior as closely as they monitor their 40-yard dash time or their grades. And the last I heard, possession of marijuana is illegal. A non-athlete student would not be given preferential treatment.

    La la la la…can’t get that tune out of my head.

  4. Aer… perhaps a question better asked is how many others were doing it.

    And contrary to popular belief, they weren’t all Florida grads.

    Re: Selleca, not in the bank account, she doesn’t.

  5. Al… that’s exactly what LT’s lawyer is supposed to do. Spin the situation in his client’s favor. I suggest you just sit back and enjoy it. Personally, I love when people try their best to win a losing argument.

    You’re right, Al. Maybe Tiger should have mixed in a massage therapist.

    I’m looking forward to the rest of the Boston-Cavs series. Should go 7.

  6. Elizabeth… that’s why we could only take the Tesh tune in opening segment snippets. Certainly not something I’d buy on CD. Stedman either.

    Re: the ‘love’ broker, I think people that utilize such services are looking for not only sex but something else that’s missing in their lives. Might not be love, but it’s not just sex.

    Speaking of the student athlete, Liz, where do you stand on them getting paid?

  7. Didya know Tesh was once a news anchor in Orlando? Mid-late 70’s if memory serves. The promo hype was something like “The Big Man is coming.” He was not there long (prolly ’cause he was not very good). @Oprah, drop me a line darlin’

  8. I would have gone with plethora instead of slew…but a nice post nontheless, Chump.

    Looking forward to reading your thoughts about the latest on fellow Floridian Tiger Woods…or better yet a sequel to your video from a few monhts ago!

  9. Steve… there ya’ go, trying to remember the ’70s again.

    Hey, t-shirts in the mail.

    Have some take a picture of you wearing it at a gig and I’ll put it up on the site

  10. Drew… stay tuned as more videos are in the works.

    We here at SportsChump have many more surprises in store that fortunately do not involve 15-year old prostitutes, or their pimps for that matter.

  11. Chris

    The crap has hit the fan for LT as he apparently gave a sworn statement to the cops that he did indeed have sex with the teen in the hotel room. Do you think his lawyer is a bit miffed at the moment ?

    As for Tiger that bulging disc of his , is liable to do him more harm than good. Wendy Wu that Thai massage therapist is on his speed dial by all accounts and so too is Ricky Martin’s acupuncturist.

    No guarantees are now forthcoming from anyone within the Cavs’ organization as they’re running scared. The Celtics have them cowering like fresh meat for a bunch of sex starved jailed inmates that’ve been missing out on a great opportunity . Let’s just put it this way it wouldn’t now at all surprise me to see them lose this series ! They’ve allowed the Celtics to kick open the stable door and it’s now hanging off its hinges.

    Alan Parkins

  12. Nice old pic of LT. You could have went back just another year or so to find one of him with the original ‘House Party’ high top fade. LOL

  13. I’m no attorney, Al, but can’t that statement be considered inadmissible if it were made under duress?

    Kind of like the Hawks in their first four games against the Magic.

    I don’t recall a beat-down like this.

    So Joe Johnson doesn’t care if the fans show up? Someone might want to tell him that the fans care if HE shows up.

  14. Gen-o…

    At least he’s still sporting that cheesy lightning bolt earring. I think he’s hoping that and child molestation come back into style.

  15. When I first heard the Taylor news, someone came to me with it and said LT and I at first off the top of my head was thinking Tomlinson, then realized it was the old-school LT… and I wasn’t as surprised then.

  16. Chris

    If he’s been mirandized then all bets are off ! And by all accounts that was the case with LT . Dumb luck isn’t it you choose to give a statement without your attorney present. Even I know that and I’m no attorney but I wouldn’t mind playing one on tv !

    The funny thing is the guys I work alongside here in the corporate affairs dept are rolling on the floor laughing about this all concerning LT and his lawyer. They’re blaming his lawyer from outset for not giving him proper legal advice. As in don’t give a formal statement without him being present.

    I told you ’bout this a ways back but look for MLB to take over the Texas Rangers because Tom Hicks isn’t willing to deal with his creditors or the potential bidders for the team . If that happens it could end up costing MLB fans IN general , as Chuck Greenberg and his syndicate could pull out of the bidding process altogether.

    His sporting business interests have amassed in excess of $2.5 billion of debt. And there’s little over $1 billion plus in assets ? Need I say anymore on the matter ?

    Alan Parkins


  17. Chris Humpherys

    This piece should make you sick to your stomach concerning the USOC (US Olympic Committee ) and USA Swimming . The USOC in conjunction with the IOC and are going after Chinese and them having had under aged gymnasts compete at the last couple of Olympic games. Instead we’ve had a rash of sexual assaults on young female swimmers by the USA Swimming certified coaches.

    Hypocrisy Is The Norm Nowadays

    Alan Parkins

  18. Al…

    Sounds like the guy giving LT advice was the same guy advising Tiger about his affairs and the same guy advising Roger Clemens to lie to Congress. Fortunately, I don’t have these guys proofreading my material.

    Maybe the new Nets owner can bail out Hicks and take a controlling interest in Arlington. Sounds like he has money to burn.

  19. Chris

    Nets’ owner Mikhail Prokhorov wants success not abject failure !

    Can we now agree that when an owner has multiple sporting business interests their business dealings and finances ought to be more scrutinized ? MLB may well either have to bail out the Rangers have them declare bankruptcy if an owner can’t be found. And if that happens then every team in the major league baseball will end up paying in one form or another.

    Alan Parkins

  20. Prokhorov wants success, Al? Then why in the world did he buy the Nets?

    And won’t Congress just step in and bail out the failing baseball franchises? Or will they expect Steinbrenner to do it?

  21. Chris,

    I was thinking the same thing about the word “Pimp” when I was writing about the case. I can’t imagine 75% of the gators smoked pot, that number just seems too high

  22. Chris

    LT wants to enter into sex rehab alongside Tiger. Hopefully they wont follow suit as Darryl Stawberry did when he went into rehab for cocaine and sex addiction . He was caught not only having sex with a fellow female patient but also enjoying some good ol’ fashioned Colombian ‘blow’ . Guess that stint defeated the object of the exercise at the time !

    Alan Parkins

  23. What sucks about all these athletes getting in trouble is they’ve been surrounded by “yes” men their whole lives, so whatever they are thinking, they are used to everyone around them saying that whatever they do is cool. Whatever actually happened with LT, I’m sure was a result of being surrounded by “yes” men.

    I strongly disagree with weed ruining athletes contracts, and professional careers. After all that physical abuse they take on the field, and in practices, I’m sure it’s a good way to unwind. It’s not helping them be better on the field. I guess if I was an owner I’d want my players clean, but I think it should be up to the team opposed to the league.

    John Tesh has owned the NBA as long as I can remember!

  24. Chap… I’m not buying that.

    Athletes need to have enough smarts to understand that nobody, not their coaches, agents, girlfriends, posse or anyone else, will look out for their best interests but themselves. THEY are ultimately responsible for their own actions.

    Re: Athletes and drug use, they still have to follow the policies set by the teams and the league. They make millions upon millions. In exchange, they have to give up some perks. Either that or learn how to pass a drug test.

    Oh, and send me a picture of you wearing a John Tesh concert T and I’ll put it up on the site.

  25. Chris

    If LT’s package is as big as he says it is then why in hell’s name would he need a swing coach ? I mean after his little foray on the reality show DWTS do we really need to see anymore ?

    Who put the whole in LeBron’s bucket ? Either he’ll now have a monumental meltdown or he’ll lay the wood to the Celtics in game 6 . Which is it to be at this juncture ? A 32 pt loss to the Celtics and all of sudden the Cavs are looking downright ordinary !

    120-88 was an outright can of whup a_s of the highest order wouldn’t you say ?

    If the Cavs lose game 6 does that mean LeBron won’t shake hands with KG ?

    Alan Parkins

  26. Chris

    So do you and aero still have faith in the Bucs’ front office ? Especially in light of the firing of Doug Williams . They’re now trying to portray it as an amicable parting of the way. Which it clearly is not as Dominik wants the glory for himself and is unwilling to share it with anyone ! I hope the Bucs crash and burn literally ! They’re a bunch of friggin’ cheap-skates !

    Super Bowl-winning QB Doug Williams out as Bucs director of pro personnel

    TAMPA, Fla. — One-time Super Bowl most valuable player Doug Williams says he’s leaving the front office of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to pursue “new options.”

    A former Bucs quarterback who later led the Washington Redskins to a Super Bowl championship, Williams served as Tampa Bay’s director of pro personnel during last season’s 3-13 finish.

    Williams said in a team statement Tuesday that he met with general manager Mark Dominik about his future and “after a lot of thought” decided it was time to move on.

    =================================
    Click link to read in its entirety.

    ================================

    And here are other links that you may want to read ?

    Courtesy of The Ledger

    Williams Leaving The Buccaneers

    Courtesy of UPI

    Williams Leaves Tampa Bay

    The Bucs have made sure that this has all been whitewashed to show them and in particular Dominik in a positive light. What the hell are his credentials to begin with ? His resume’ is lighter than a piece of tissue paper.

    Alan Parkins

  27. I don’t know what to make of this Cavs-Celtics series.

    Both teams have given the other the worst playoff beatdown that they’re ever had at home. Go figure.

    Makes me feel all the more confident as a Magic fan.

  28. Well, Al, I’ll read up on it but what exactly was Doug Williams doing for the franchise? Did he really have a say in anything? Personnel decisions? Or did he just offer his opinion?

    I actually think we’ll see a little bit of marked improvement out of this team next year.

    They’re stock-piling young talent. Cheap talent but young talent.

    I can see 5 or 6 wins out of this team. Sucks but it’s still double what we had last year.

  29. Chris

    The improvement for the Bucs will definitely be marked. But I can tell you this if Freeman goes down injured for any period of time this upcoming season. Then the Bucs will struggle like a fat chick (size 16) trying to get into a size 4 dress.

    As for Williams I do believe that the Bucs were merely using the guy for “PR” and nothing else. It’s a disdainful thing to do and gives credence that the Glazers and Dominik have no credibility whatsoever !

    Alan Parkins

  30. Hahaha, if I had a John Test T-shirt I’d take a picture and send it to you. Unfortunately I don’t have one…

  31. I’ll agree that the Bucs don’t have solid back-ups although I do like them giving Jevon Snead a shot.

    That being said, I don’t think Leftwich was the answer. We saw what he had to offer and it wasn’t much.

    Johnson will be the number two. We’ll see how that goes.

    It’s not like Williams was suiting up.

  32. Chris

    All eyes will be on LeBron tonight as it’s about puttin’ up or shuttin’ up ! If the Celtics allow him to get no more than 25 points and then shackle the rest of the Cavs’ offense then I still believe that the Celtics will pull through.

    Mike Brown and his coaching staff have messed up big time in this series !

    Alan Parkins

  33. Al… I agree that Brown’s got to take some responsibility for this. To me, he’s always seemed just lucky to be there and coaching LeBron. Not sure he’s got the ego or, ahem, the other body parts necessary, to stand up to LeBron and get in his face. That’s what LBJ needs.

    Hey, Stan Van wasn’t afraid to call Dwight out last year and look what happened. He was criticized for it but it fired up Howard and got them to the Finals.

    I’ll be glued to the tv tonight and Brown better have his adjustments in hand.

  34. Chris

    The fallout from this could have some serious ramifications for the Cavaliers financially. And that’s without the thought that LeBron could end up leaving the franchise .

    They stand to lose in excess of $20-$25 million should they not make the NBA Finals .

    That’s the difference between not raising ticket prices to possibly doing so at the expense of the fans in uncertain economic climate.

    Chicks Dig The Long Ball ……….. Guys Who Are Fans of The Game Drink Beer And Love The Chicks Who Dig The Long Ball

    Alan Parkins

  35. Chris

    Mike Brown will be only able to take this team so far. The rest is up to LeBron . And if he wants to be seen and known as “the best player” in the NBA . Then now is the time for him to prove it .

    You get absolutely nothing for finishing in second place . Something that I’ve repeatedly reiterated with you. Good guys tend to finish second . Winners finish first ! Who actually remembers the losers in a game other than their fans and those who want chronicle the events. Once the event is over we laud the winners and applause the loser for putting up a gallant effort and that’s it ! ‘nough said !

    Alan Parkins

  36. Chris

    The Cavs got served big time and they’ve only themselves to blame. Now it’s back to the drawing board for Danny Ferry and the team’s coaching staff .

    LeBron have you had your can of whup a_s lately. I guess you have considering you’ve received two in the space of the last 48 hours _ courtesy of the Celtics _____ 94-85 . Oop lah !

    Good teams merely “play” but the “great teams play to win” !

    Alan Parkins

  37. Chris

    So it now may well be that two of the premiere off season free agents in LeBron and D-Wade could have new homes ? How quaint !

    Now comes the fallout in Cleveland ! Does LeBron now go down as one of the most despised sports figures in the city of Cleveland’s history ? He must now rank up there alongside Art Modell don’t you think ? Much like the USPS LeBron once again fails to deliver and he’s not being asked to even deliver on time . LOL,LOL ,LOL !!!

    All That Glitters Isn’t Necessarily Gold ………… Why The WNBA Might Be Now More Pertinent In The City Of Cleveland ……..

    Alan Parkins aka tophatal

  38. I disagree with that, Al. Jordan only got so far until he had Phil backing him. And look what Riley did with Dwyane Wade or Pop with Tim Duncan.

    It takes a particular kind of coach to handle superstars in the NBA. Coaching in that league is totally underrated.

    Brown was obviously incapable of taking that team to the next level. I’m not putting it all on him but someone has to be held accountable and they ain’t firing LeBron.

  39. And Ferry’s not going to be able to do anything until he knows what the Chosen One is doing.

    I have a feeling half of Cleveland is hungover this morning.

  40. Al…

    I’m not sure which mix-and-match I like best. Wade and LeBron, Wade and Amare, LeBron and Bosh.

    Either way, it’ll be an interesting off-season and we could be waiting a while for the first domino to fall.

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  42. Oprah Winfrey is a great individual….she is a strong woman……I liked her show.She helps individuals with their health issues and money problems.She’s not afraid to speak up.She talks about topics that everyone as an audience can agree with.Love Oprah!

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