Chumpservations, Vol. 14: John Wall, Wimbledon, Texas Rangers, World Cup soccer, Landon Donovan, Steve Smith and Dick Vitale impressions

In case you missed it…

The Washington Wizards selected John Wall, Kentucky’s freshman point guard phenom, first overall in the 2010 NBA Draft.  SportsChump can neither confirm nor deny whether he’ll make any less in Washington than he did while playing at Kentucky.  Before Wizards fans get too excited about the pick, they should note that since 1985, only two players drafted number one, David Robinson (1987) and Tim Duncan (1997), won NBA titles for the teams which selected them.  And did anyone else get the feeling that the table-hopping John Calipari knew exactly when each one of his Kentucky Wildcats was going to be drafted?

On and just prior to draft night, NBA teams traded away players, but more importantly cap space, in an effort to woo big name free agents like LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Amare Stoudemire and Chris Bosh who remain without a team.  Who knew America’s homeless problem could extend to NBA millionaires?  I likened Thursday’s draft and the constant trading of otherwise, unnoticeable players to the first few games of college football’s bowl season.  Nobody cares where Kirk Hinrich and Daequan Cook will play next year.  We’ll watch… but we’re way more interested in the important stuff.  Free agency officially begins after midnight on July 1 which means some city will be celebrating Christmas in July.

In a Wimbledon match that lasted longer than many of my former relationships, the University of Georgia’s John Isner outlasted France’s Nicolas Mahut in a grueling 11-hour and five minute marathon.  The match, which lasted over three days, included two stoppages in play and a combined 215 aces.  The match almost doubled the previous record of 6:33.  Not surprisingly, an exhausted Isner was bounced by his very next opponent, probably from lack of sleep.

The award for the hottest team in baseball goes to the Texas Rangers.  The Rangers have won eleven straight games and seven straight series.  Of course, the streak should be taken with a grain of salt, for whoever plays the Pittsburgh Pirates will automatically become the hottest team in baseball.  Not surprisingly, the Rangers are being led by Josh Hamilton, Vladimir Guerrero and Michael Young who are all batting over .300 and have double digit homeruns.  Nelson Cruz, who also fits that bill, is expected to come off the disabled list this week and will add even more pop to their lineup.  The Rangers are currently 16 games over .500 and boast a healthy lead over the L.A. Angels of Anaheim in the AL West.  If the Rays, Sox and Yankees aren’t careful, the AL East might very well miss a wild card spot to this division.

Let’s hear it for South American soccer.  While France and defending champion Italy hang their collective heads in shame by heading home early, six South American teams, Uruguay, Mexico, Paraguay, Argentina, Chile and Brazil, have all advanced.  Would anyone like to give me the entire continent and take the field in return?  Of those three nations, neither Mexico, Paraguay nor Chile have ever won a World Cup.  You might want to consider planning a road trip if that happens in 2010.

I would hereby like to begin my “Landon Donovan for Sportsman of the Year” campaign.  With Tiger Woods stinking up the links, LeBron James once again falling short of an NBA title and Lance Armstrong’s name being dragged through the mud by Floyd Landis, it seems only appropriate that Donovan should be named S.o.Y., not only for his game-winning goal against Algeria, but his overall captaincy of the team and its cause.  Donovan’s last-minute goal may very well have been the highlight of the tournament to date, at least from an American perspective.  His heroics might have finally inspired an entire new generation of soccer fans in America.

I have a buddy who’s athletic career was cut short after tearing his Achilles tendon in a flag football game.  Now all he’s good for is selling paint, drinking competitively, reciting random movie quotes and the doing the occasional Dick Vitale impression.  Similarly, Carolina Panther wide receiver, Steve Smith, broke his arm playing flag football this week.  I guess someone needs to sign these hard-hitting flag football guys to an NFL contract.  Smith had already publicly announced he was no longer interested in being Carolina’s number one wide receiver.  Hopefully he won’t resort to doing Dicky V. impressions.

Things we still don’t know for sure: whether Brett Favre will return, where LeBron James will sign, when Tiger will win again, who the next Free Credit Report.com band will be, whether Phil Jackson will return to the Lakers, whether Lady Gaga is actually a man and how Tim Tebow will fare as an NFL quarterback.

22 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 14: John Wall, Wimbledon, Texas Rangers, World Cup soccer, Landon Donovan, Steve Smith and Dick Vitale impressions

  1. And, by the way, Mexico is in North America. You have to cross the Panamanian border into Colombia to go from North America to South America.

  2. So, assuming you’re a betting man, HB, would you take the field or all South American teams… Mexico obviously excluded.

    FYI… Chorizo is a Mexican sausage.

  3. The field…definitely.

    I’ll take that bet, Chump. What’s the wager? How about a couple of those Sports Chump t-shirts for something from America’s Finest City? Not sure what to offer though…I’ll leave it up to you. Are we on?

  4. First of all, Drew, don’t be sending me a whale’s vagina.

    Second of all, the only team that really scares me is Portugal.

    Third of all, you need to print up some Shawn Kemp’s Kids t-shirts and we’ll talk. I’d gladly trade with ya’.

  5. Nice write up! I can’t believe how on fire the Rangers have been. I think if there’s a team that I want to win the West aside from my A’s I’d like to see the Rangers take it. I’m pretty sure Moreno is regretting letting Vlad go!

  6. I’m all aboard with Donovan. Even in defeat Saturday, he made things happen and opened up a whole new world to what can be done and inspired many. He crossed-over to an audience that never cared and I think that means something in sport, and what the award is about.

  7. Yeah, Chap. As a Sox fan, I was really hoping they’d land Vlad. It’s no surprise to see them this hot. I just wonder if their pitching will hold up down the stretch.

    I guess if not, they can always start Nolan Ryan.

  8. Very true, FB.

    I’m not sure what to make of the US team. I don’t know that much about soccer to be able to analyze the sport.

    It seems like they’re not all that consistent on the offensive end. And they’re too often caught overpursuing, leaving them out of position on defense.

    They’re at they’re best when fast-breaking but as we know, strictly fastbreak teams, aka the Phoenix Suns, don’t win championships.

  9. Yeah, that’s the big question mark out there when the weather heats up. I hope the whole bankruptcy thing doesn’t hurt them in being able to trade for more talent at the deadline…

    I can’t believe I spent most of Thursday watching soccer and a 5th set at Wimbeldon. Unreal day for sports I don’t really follow a lot. I guess I follow tennis, but usually just the quarter finals and on…

  10. I checked with the post office yesterday and they won’t send a whale’s vagina from SD to Tampa…damn.

    I’ll see if I can print up some Shawn Kemp’s Kids shirts though. BTW, I was not a huge Anchorman fan the first time around but may have to give it another try. Probably wasn’t drunk enough when I saw it originally…

  11. If the Rays don’t start hitting the Blue Jays are going to overtake them.
    It wouldn’t hurt my feelings if Steve Smith never comes back. He’s been a thorn in the Bucs side too long now.
    I can’t say I’m suprised the U.S. team was eliminated,disappointed yes,but not suprised.

  12. Chris

    The real issue I now I have with the NBA Draft is now watching the problem child that DeMarcus Cousins will become .

    Ah well both England and the US have bowed out of the World Cup . Can we now stop all of this bitching and whining ? Alexi Lalas is coming off looking like a friggin’ tool ! I wasn’t surprised by either outcome. As I’d initially told you not to underestimate Ghana. Lalas being the moron that he is , was simply being an oaf going on rankings in his belief that the US was the better team. When it comes to the World Cup all bets are off. ESPN if they want qualified analysts shouldn’t stick with someone who’s as anal retentive as Lalas. His career as a soccer professional and executive has been marginal at best.

    As for the officiating , well it’s no different from the crap we tend to see happen in the NBA and MLB.

    So Upton is now showing what the Rays are really made off ? This team is now showing why things will unfurl for them and they’ll be lucky if they make the playoffs. Maddon should’ve ripped into the Upton rather than giving him another figgin’ pass ! Still think that they’re good enough to contend ? The gap between them and the Yankees is now three games and they’re not going to be doing any better in their upcoming schedule against the Red Sox !

    AP

  13. Chris

    Not really gotten into Wimbledon as of yet. But here’s another ridiculous stat concerning Federer. Of his last 43 tournaments entered he’s made it to at least the last 16 40 times. That’s dominance don’t you think ? As for Isner I’d have thought it somewhat more fair had the tournament officials allowed him an extra day’s rest before having faced his next opponent. He was brushed aside with so much ease that when it’s all said and done that match against Mahut will be the thing that defines his career.

    AP

  14. We’ll see what happens with Cousins, Al, but from everything I’ve read, Kings fans are happy with the pick.

    Ghana was a tough match, man. And the US team in the end wasn’t all that disciplined.

    Ya know, had it been Crawford that acted up instead of Upton, this would have been an easy fix. Move him. But since it’s not, I would see them opting to keep Crawford, if they can match what he wants, and getting rid of Upton.

  15. Chris

    Federer gets blown out of the water by Thomas Berdych on Center Court at Wimbledon. Wasn’t that meant to be Federer’s home ? Now with Nadal there in the semis and Britain’s Andy Murray still there. Once again the nation’s glorious hopes rest with a guy who looks almost as young as Justin Bieber but who hits a ball almost as hard as Mike Tyson use to knock out his opponents.

    Kings may well be happy now but what happens at the first sign of adversity for the kid ? He and Calipari were known for their off color exchanges during practice. With the money he’s now earning what makes you think he’s liable to change ?

    Cousins could very well make Stephon Marbury seem like a saint when it’s all said and done.


    AP

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