So you want to be Commissioner: A multiple choice test
October 14th, 2010 by Chris Humpherys
Nobody ever said being the boss was easy.
Four of the world’s more powerful men, Messrs. Selig, Stern, Bettman and Goodell, commissioners of Major League Baseball, the NBA, NHL and NFL respectively, have come under a fair amount of scrutiny in recent years. Their actions are constantly criticized and it seems that nobody ever has a single nice word to say about them.
Well, we’ve come up with a little quiz to see if you can do any better. Grab a pad and pen and write down your answers to the following situational questions. Tally your score below, then see if you’d make it big managing the sport of your dreams.
If one of your coaches or managers argues with an official, then publicly criticizes your league’s officiating afterward, you…
a) suggest both manager and referee settle their score in an arm-wrestling contest, cook-off or cage match duel to the death.
b) ignore the situation, understanding that conflict is an inevitable part of life.
c) fine the coach but protect the official at all costs. After all, people make mistakes and human error is, and always will be, a part of your game.
If a player in your league fails a drug test, you…
a) re-examine your league’s current drug policy, understanding that everybody deserves a good buzz every now and then.
b) boast that you have the most rigid drug-testing policy of any of the professional sports leagues.
c) suspend the player without any sort of investigation. Who cares if they had steroid-injected beef for dinner? Guilty until proven innocent, you always say.
If there’s a renewed clamoring for instant replay in your sport, you…
a) immediately call all interested parties into play with the hopes of improving the way your sport is officiated.
b) maintain the status quo. You still don’t know how to properly work your DVR.
c) instant replay? What’s instant replay?
If smaller market teams complain they can’t get a fair shake and push for more equitable revenue sharing, you…
a) tell those owners they need to develop a more committed fan base.
b) encourage some Russian billionaire to buy one or more of your franchises.
c) Who cares? You answer to the top dogs. New York and Los Angeles can always support another team.
When the players in your league threaten to strike, you…
a) go with the flow. You could use the season off.
b) unite players and owners, forcing them to find a fair way to divide a multi-billion dollar pie.
c) let the owners handle it. After all, they’re the ones writing the checks.
An official in your league made an incorrect call that affected the outcome of a game…
a) the buck stops with you. State your sport is flawed and that you’ll make it your dying wish to make things right.
b) Call for a do-over.
c) Hey, that’s life. It all evens out in the end.
If a blogger calls you out publicly, you…
a) listen to what they have to say as long as it’s an educated suggestion. After all, independent news sources are the wave of the future.
b) correct their grammar then publicly ridicule them for their utterly useless points of view.
c) fail to acknowledge they even exist.
If it is discovered that an official or player fixed a game, you…
a) are miffed you didn’t have action on that particular contest.
b) prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, then let prisoners handle the matter with their own sense of pipe-hitting justice.
c) promise fans full disclosure of your investigation into the matter, then pretend the incident never happened.
If a well-known player in your league sends explicit pictures of himself to a league employee, you…
a) commend him publicly on the size of his phallus and consider making it the new emblem for your league.
b) suspend him for his lack of good judgment, then immediately erase any such pictures you’ve ever taken of yourself.
c) look the other way, understanding that what one of your employees does with his johnson is his own business.
If your game faces repeated concussion/injury problems, you…
a) employ scientists to ensure the problem will eventually be resolved.
b) shrug it off. Professional sports is physical. You’re doing the best you can.
c) institute new rules that protect the league’s most marketable players at all costs. After all, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.
Your league is accused of unfair opportunity for minority advancement, you…
a) immediately hire a hot, Mexican intern to silence your critics.
b) prove otherwise, showing statistically how your league has great strides since the 1970s.
c) officially retire the number of one of your league’s most celebrated African-American athletes so that nobody will notice.
If one of your players holds the sport hostage when announcing his return to the league, you…
a) require specific time frames for players to announce their intentions.
b) Leave it up to his team’s owners and coaches. They’re the ones he has to answer to.
c) Nothing. Any publicity is good publicity.
Well done, sports fans. Now give yourself 1 point for every a) answer, 2 points for every b) answer and 3 points for every c) answer.
If you scored between:
12-18 – Congratulations! You just turned your league into the XFL!
19-26 – Sensibility is your strong suit. Go ahead and give yourself a 10% pay raise at the expense of your fan base.
27-36 – You are cut from the traditional commissioner’s cloth. Wait for the inevitable release of Bud Selig’s autobiography.