Clue-less: A tale of five NFL coaches

Nobody said being an NFL head coach was easy.  This past Sunday, however, was a rough one for five gentlemen in particular, who continue to find fresh and exciting ways to lose football games.  After a ghoulish Halloween Sunday, Mike Shanahan, Wade Phillips, Brad Childress, Josh McDaniels and Marvin Lewis, all appear one step closer to getting the axe.

Since they’re millionaires and we’re mired in a recession, let’s have some fun at their expense, shall we?  Put on your best Sherlock cap for it’s time to play some Clue, sports fans.  Let’s see if you can correctly solve the mystery of which coach will be the first to terminated.

Choice One: Professor Childress (with a lack of authority in the North Star State)

Ever since his Favreness first stepped foot in Minnesota, it’s been widely perceived that Brad Childress has no control or say over this team whatsoever.  Favre runs the offense, Favre calls the plays, Favre determines whether he starts or whether he doesn’t.

Leading up to Sunday’s loss to New England, Childress answered question after never-ending question about whether his injured quarterback would start.  And you thought YOU were tired of Brett Favre.  During the game, Favre got carted off the field with a busted up chin and the once-promising Vikings lost their fifth contest of the season.

As if Favre’s ego, chin, ankle and other body parts weren’t enough of a distraction, Childress’ recently-acquired and amazingly-disgruntled wide receiver, Randy Moss, told reporters he wouldn’t answer any more questions for the rest of the season.  He was waived almost instantaneously.

The Vikings are a soap opera spiraling out of control and most feel it’s only a matter of time before Coach Childress is sent packing.

I wonder if Brett Favre will give him a ride to the airport.

Choice Two: Mr. Shanahan (with benching capabilities in the nation’s capitol)

The Redskins made a huge splash this off-season by landing Donovan McNabb and of course their new head coach Mike Shanahan.  As if dealing with the dietary habits and lack of motivation of one Albert Haynesworth wasn’t trying enough, down six points to the Detroit Lions, Coach Shanahan benched McNabb, thinking his back-up, Rex Grossman, gave them a better chance to win.  All of DC is still collectively scratching their heads over that move.

Shanahan continues to take heat for not only sitting McNabb, but for flip-flopping on his explanation for doing so.  We’ll see if pulling Donovan out from behind center created a rift in his locker room.  If so, the ‘Skins might just be in trouble from here on out… and so might Shanahan.

Choice Three: Mr. Lewis (with immeasurable dysfunction in the ‘Nati)

The Cincinnati Bengals are a tough team to figure out.  They signed Terrell Owens in the off-season, have a Heisman Trophy winning quarterback who has yet to win a playoff game and a another wide receiver who legally changed his name to a number.  The Bengals lead the NFL in the unenviable statistic of most reality TV shows per roster spot.

The Bengals are the very definition of dysfunctional.  Their last five seasons, they’ve finished 11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11 and 10-6.  Marvin Lewis has been at the helm for all of this.  This year, they’re 2-5 and a team that had Super Bowl aspirations at the beginning of the season will likely once again miss the playoffs.

On second thought, maybe the Bengals aren’t that difficult to figure out after all.

Choice Four: Mr. McDaniels (with no ground game in Mile High)

After winning his first six games as Denver’s head coach, it’s safe to say Josh McDaniels’ honeymoon is officially over.  After the hot start, he missed last year’s playoffs and has since gone 4-14.  Not even Tim Tebow can save him now.

The Denver Broncos sit at the bottom of the NFC West and have lost four straight games, including allowing a record 59 points to the Oakland Raiders.  That’s not a good way to win brownie points with ownership.

A team that could traditionally start a cadaver at running back and have them amass 100 yards on the ground has yet to have a 100-yard rusher on the season.

Fortunately for Coach McDaniels, the Broncos have a bye this Sunday, so losing five straight will be put on hold.  But how long will Bronco fans have to wait before someone else takes the reins.

Choice Five: Mr. Phillips (with underachievement in Big D)

And then there’s good old Wade.  You know how certain people just have that deer-in-the-headlights look?  Meet Wade Phillips, the man who’s job security comes into question on a weekly basis.

Imagine picking up a local newspaper and seeing every single article call for your dismissal.  Imagine running one of the proudest sports franchises into the ground.

Imagine year after year, living in the shadow of your father, or your predecessors.  Imagine having to face a very disappointed Jerry Jones every Sunday evening.  Then imagine admitting to everyone listening that you don’t have the answers.  Welcome to the life of Wade.

Does anyone else hear the clock ticking?

24 thoughts on “Clue-less: A tale of five NFL coaches

  1. I submit Jack Del Rio for your consideration. His record is about a nine-piece family meal under .500. Certainly no better than Marvin’s. He makes Mike Tice, he of the pencil behind the ear, seem like a genius. In fact, I’m pretty sure that JDR still has Tice on staff.

    JDR favors a one-man offense. Good luck going to the Super Bowl with that. And, what will he do if MoJo finally does get injured?

    The Jags are so up and down… beat the good teams, lose to the bad ones. Del Rio would be a decent def coordinator, or possibly, a mid-level college coach. We want Coughlin and Brunell back!

    CH… SRM awaits yo picks.

  2. Not a bad choice with Jack of the River, Gene, but I honestly don’t think much was ever expected of this Jaguar team.

    I mean, David Garrard, really? How many people even thought this team was a legit contender when the season started?

    In fact, if they finished the season in anything other than last place in that division, I would have been surprised.

    Speaking of last place, my SRM picks are in.

  3. Chris

    A quintet of coaches who on their best day you’d be hard pressed to suggest that their IQ’s were above that of Paris Hilton’s !

    I’m still trying to figure out how the hell the Pats lost to the Browns ? Did hell actually b freeze over or something ?

    :(

    tophatqal :)

  4. I’d dump Childress faster than Favre can send a text message, but I don’t think he’ll be the first to go.
    My guess would be McDaniels just because he was a mistaken hire in the first place.

  5. Personally, Al, I thought firing Phillips at this point in the season was win-win for Dallas. He clearly wasn’t the guy to get them over the top. Everyone and their mother knew that.

    This way, he gets a half a season with Garrett as the coach to see if a) he can turn things around and b) if he’s the guy they want to bring on for next year.

    Don’t tell me we’re seeing a kinder, gentler Jerry Jones.

  6. Man, I can’t pick between these coaches. They are all doing horrible things that are snowballing by the week. I just read Phillips got the axe finally, so he’s the lucky winner!

  7. Chris

    Jason Garrett isn’t fit to hold Brett Favre’s cup much less coach an NFL team. And Jones wants his a_s now in charge of the Cowboys ? Less I forgot wasn’t he the so called genius and heir in waiting ? As an offensive coordinator he really is offensive ! That team can’t run and strategically they’ve been a mess and that was even with Romo at the helm as the signal caller !

    tophatal :)

  8. No ground game in Denver. What about Hillis? That white dude can really run the rock.

    Say what? They traded him for Quinn during the offseason? Doh!

    Broncos were one play away from beating the Jets and then the season completely unraveled.

    When will the Tebow Era officially begin Chump?

  9. Even if the ‘Boys go 4-4 the rest of the way out, that’ll be considered a drastic improvement.

    I don’t know about Jones’ loyalties to Garrett, Al, but I would think if he could land a Jon Gruden, he’d offer up some coin.

  10. That Hillis deal looked even worse after what he did to the Pats on Sunday, Drew.

    29 carries for 184 yards? Ouch!

    I think your Tebow query is the million dollar question, bud.

  11. Chris

    Jones is meant to be the consummate businessman . Other than the Superbowl at Cowboys Stadium an NBA All Star Game and a couple of boxing matches what use is the damn stadium for ? Surely not for watching the Cowboys ?

    Who knew a ‘white boy’ could run like that Peyton Hillis of the Browns ? He torched the Pats badly and it made Belichick seem like an oaf in his postgame interview .

    So a Canadian wins the $8.9 million at the Final Table of the WSOP ? And the kid isn’t even that highly ranked in the game.

    All Things Must Come To An End ! Even The Good Ones ……….

    tophatal :)

  12. Pingback: Sports Chump » Introducing the Hail or Rail Scale: Cam Newton, Boise State, Brad Childress, Randy Moss, Rajon Rondo, Blake Griffin, Zenyatta and the Giants

  13. Well, Al, I’m not sure Jones is LOSING money on this proposition. He just owns a team that sucks, that’s all.

    He’s still eating filet for dinner. It just doesn’t taste as good.

    And yea, your Pats made Hillis look like an all-star. Ya think Belichick did that on purpose just to piss off Broncos fans for releasing him?

  14. Chris

    Cowboys Stadium wasn’t privately financed but in part it was paid for by the municipality of Arlington through bonds and certain disproportionate tax increases. Jones may have chipped in some money but nowhere near enough where one can say he completely owns it. And if it were privately financed how much do you think he’s paying annually in terms of servicing that debt ?

    I still believe that Cam was quite within his right to demand payment for his services . Did you see E60 and the piece on former Sooners’ RB

  15. cont’d ……. Marcus Dupree and how tragically his college career ended ? Coaches made sure money was of no problem once he was in school. At the time of his entering college under Switzer he was the best running back in the country.

    One innocuous hit during a game , concussion suffered and his career came to an end in one fail swoop.

    :(

    tophatal :P :)

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