Like most Americans, I love a good train wreck and these days, we all have a ticket aboard the Charlie Sheen Express. Every time the artist formerly known as Carlos Estevez appears on my boob tube, I find it hard to turn away from the spiraling descent that has become his career.
I know mental illness and drug addiction are no laughing matter but I stopped feeling sorry for millionaires long ago as I was riding my BMX to junior high while others were driving BMWs. Hard work builds character, my folks would always say. Well, apparently so do huge piles of cocaine. It’s gotten to the point where Sheen is speaking in a language only he can understand.
I’m no psych major but this appears to be a classic case of ego gone haywire, fueled by fame, prostitutes and methamphetamines. So to commemorate the ever-widening chasm that has become Charlie’s career, I thought I’d take some of his latest Sheen-isms and relate them to the world of sports.
Join me, won’t you?
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people, people who aren’t special, people who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
for Tiger Woods
Like Charlie, Tiger Woods routinely behaved like he was above the law (or at least common decency) when he started bedding every cocktail waitress and porn star in sight, while his wife sat at home thinking she was actually married to a decent guy. Woods might have been getting even more action than Sheen, or at least he remembered more of it.
Well, that ‘Tiger blood’ which I guess must be one part libido, one part ego and one part unlimited bankroll got both Sheen and Tiger into a world of trouble. At this point, it’s hard to imagine either of them duplicating their earlier success. Sheen’s #1 show has been cancelled and these days, Tiger’s lucky to finish tournaments in the money.
“Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock.”
for Rex Ryan
Doesn’t this sound just like something Rex Ryan would say? In fact, I think he may have at one point. We should probably review some old Jets press conferences. Perhaps Ryan can sue Sheen for plagiarism.
Even though Ryan, and Sheen, may think defeat is not an option, the Jets still lost in the AFC Championship game and at this point, it’s unlikely Sheen wins anything other than a return to Alcoholics Anonymous.
“I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars. People can’t figure me out. They can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”
for Dennis Rodman
We haven’t seen an athlete like Dennis Rodman since… well, Dennis Rodman. It takes a lot more than just dyeing your hair purple to duplicate Rodman’s madness both on and off the court.
We celebrate Kevin Love’s rebounding totals this season, yet we forget that Rodman led the league in rebounding seven consecutive years, including three straight years of 17+ per game. Say what you will about the man, but he was, and still is, marching to the beat of a totally different drummer. He used to travel with his own personal bartender and has enough piercings and tattoos to make an entire goth club stop in their tracks and say, “Damn, that’s a lot of piercings!” Oh yea, and he still shows up in public dressed in drag.
Rodman was the closest thing the NBA’s had to a ‘totally bitchin’ rock star’ in years. I can’t think of any NBA player other than Rodman that would be caught dead partying with Sheen. In fact, he’s probably at Sheen’s place right now.
“I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
For Blake Griffin
Is there any other NBA player this could apply to? Bloggers internet-wide have openly confessed their man-crushes for Blake Griffin. Since returning from injury, the Oklahoma product has been jumping out of the gym a la David Thompson but even more impressive is the fact that he’s made the Clippers watchable, which is no easy feat.
Some have complained this year’s Dunk Contest was rigged, that its outcome was predetermined. It was. If you didn’t think Griffin was going to win that thing going in, you were misleading yourself.
Now if only the Clippers can surround him with talent.
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It’s too much.”
For Terrell Owens
It wasn’t all that long ago that Terrell Owens could actually play football. It also wasn’t all that long ago that he was coming up with his own Sheen-isms, like “Get your popcorn ready” and “I love me some me.”
If talk about drug use in the NFL wasn’t taboo, Owens would probably have already popped out with “Yeah, I’m on a drug. It’s called Terrell Owens. I do sit-ups in my driveway. Look at my abs.”
But Sheen beat him to the punch on this one.
“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”
For Dan Gilbert
Sheen actually meant this quote for Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre but doesn’t it sound exactly like what scorned Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert, said as soon as he found out LeBron was on the next flight to Miami?
We know now who got the better end of the LeBron deal. Nobody.
The Cavaliers are back to sucking as bad as they did before drafting LeBron and his new team, the Miami Heat, have lost five straight and can’t beat a decent opponent.
On a side note, UFC’s Dana White has graciously offered up his octagon for Sheen and Lorre to duke it out. Talk about a publicity stunt. First Kimbo Slice, then Brock Lesnar, now Charlie Sheen?
As ridiculous as that sounds, tell me that’s honestly something you wouldn’t watch.
“So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I’ll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers. If he’s a businessman, then let him make some good business moves. Like celebrating me.”
For Roger Goodell, DeMaurice Smith, NFL ownership and the Players Union
It’s bad enough football season is over, leaving most of us looking for a way to occupy our Sundays and Monday nights. As the 2011 season hangs in the balance, ownership and players continue to toy with our emotions… and the future success of their league.
I’m sure the last thing either side wants is a strike but unless both sides can work out their grievances, that’s what’s likely to happen.
There have already been two extensions to the initial March 3 deadline, which I guess is a good thing. I mean, they’re talking, right?
Perhaps we can get Mr. Sheen to talk some sense into them.
“I’m underpaid right now, sure. … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special.”
For Albert Pujols
Cardinals fans these days have to be as nervous as a kitten in a roomful of rocking chairs. St. Louis’ time to re-sign Albert Pujols, three-time MVP winner and hands down the best player in the league, came and went. Now his future with the franchise remains uncertain.
In ten full seasons as a Cardinal, Pujols has barely missed a game. He’s only 31 years old, has over 400 career home runs and an unearthly career batting average of .331. Every other team (that thinks they can afford his price tag) has to be salivating over the thought of Pujols in their lineup.
Personally, I think he stays in St. Louis. I don’t think there’s any way they let this guy go, regardless of how much they have to pay him to stay.
That won’t stop Cubs fans from dreaming about him playing ball in Wrigley Field next year. Oh yeah, isn’t Charlie Sheen a Cubs fan?
“If you love with violence and you hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned.”
For James Harrison
I don’t care if you are a millionaire. Having to write a check for 25 grand every week has to piss off the wife. Of course, 25 grand is just a night out for Sheen.
Harrison plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played. With reckless, yet restrained, abandon. He’s a guy you don’t want to have hit you… ever, yet the NFL docked him weekly just for doing his job, but doing it violently.
There’s no talk this off-season of granting Harrison a refund. In fact, if there is a season next year, violent hits will probably be fined more heavily, meaning guys like Harrison might not want to spend too frivolously this summer.
“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning, just winning every second. Winning, anyone? Duh, winning! Catch you in the rear view, losers.”
For Jimmie Johnson
Two weeks into the NASCAR season, Jimmie Johnson is 13th in the Sprint Cup standings, which is probably right where he wants to be. It’s hard not to assume it’s only a matter of time before he makes a run at winning his sixth straight championship.
Johnson’s run of titles has become as automatic as Sheen speaking indecipherably and like Sheen, Johnson has a clear view of his competitors in his rear view mirror.
Let’s just hope Sheen doesn’t get behind the wheel any time soon.
“Women are to be hugged and caressed.”
For Brandon Davies
Poor BYU. A school that once had a legitimate shot at a Final Four has suspended its second best player… and they have hormones to thank.
Davies was recently suspended for the rest of the college basketball season for having premarital sex with his girlfriend, which is against his school’s honor code and the Mormon faith.
You have to hand it to BYU for sticking to their principles and not putting financial well-being in front of their creed. Don’t you?
“Hope is for suckers and fools.”
For NFL fans
While the NFL powers that be wear their suits, sip their Starbucks and try to fairly divvy up a nine billion dollar pie, football fans are left hoping both sides will make amends.
It’s not something we want to talk about. It’s not something we want to read about. It’s bad enough they took Two and a Half Men off the air. Now they’re messing with our football.
We are all hoping Goodell, Smith and company don’t screw things up. Football fans everywhere would give anything just to sit in one of these meetings and shout “Gentlemen, really? We’re talking nine billion dollars here. Figure it out.”
“We’re gonna kick ass and get it done. We just need a forum to do it in.”
For the NBA Eastern Conference Playoffs
I know I’m not alone in looking forward to the Eastern Conference playoffs. Aside from Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki and Kevin Durant, basically EVERY other superstar in the league now dons a uniform for a franchise East of the Mississippi. The Knicks, Heat, Celtics, Magic, and Bulls (and I’ll throw in the Hawks for good measure) all have Finals potential. None will be an easy out.
As the season progresses and these six powers get even more dangerous, playoff seeding will be crucial. The top two seeds should have an easy time playing fringe teams (Philadelphia, Indiana, Charlotte) while seeds three through six will have to slug it out worse than a Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards separation.
Either way, I’m ready. Let’s get this party started.
“I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips.”
For Dwight Howard
It wasn’t long ago that Dwight Howard had one of the ugliest shots in basketball. His offensive game was one-dimensional.
After spending an off-season working with Hakeem Olajuwon, Howard is stoppable in the post only when he stops himself. He jumps higher than any big man in the league and is having a legitimate MVP season.
He’s second in the league in blocks, second in field goal percentage, second in rebounds and ninth in scoring. I’d say that qualifies for a few MVP votes.
Now if only he could work on his free throw percentage… and his temper.
“I feel more alive, I feel more focused, I feel more energetic. I’m on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front.”
For Derrick Rose
The Chicago Bulls point guard is making things look easy this season. With injuries to many of their key players this year, Rose has ensured the Bulls haven’t skipped a beat. He’s averaging 25 points, eight assists and has his Bulls contending for the best record in the Eastern Conference. They also have the second best home record in the NBA.
Chicago knew they were getting their point guard of the future when they drafted him number one three years ago. They just didn’t expect for him to lead them into contention so quickly.
“Everybody thinks I should be, like, begging for my job back. And I’m just going to forewarn them that it’s everybody else that’s going to be begging me for their job back.”
For Carson Palmer
Oh look, another disgruntled NFL quarterback. After playing for the Bengals for so long, can you blame the guy?
Cincinnati has been so inconsistent for so long, it’s hard for even the most discriminating NFL fan to determine how much of that was Palmer’s fault.
There’s no denying a change of scenery would do Palmer some good but why would Cincy give up on their franchise quarterback at this point? Don’t they have a few more years of Sheen-like dysfunction left in them?
In the end, Palmer may go the way of Jake Plummer and ride off into the sunset but at least he won’t have to listen to Chad Ochocinco any more… and that’s gotta be worth something.