SportsChump held hostage… almost

“YOU HAVE TO EVACUATE!!!  WE HAVE A HOSTAGE SITUATION!!!”

When’s the last time you woke up to those words as a police officer was pounding on your front door?  For me, the answer is last Tuesday.  A shade of things to come.

I bought my condo a few years ago in what I thought was a pretty safe Tampa neighborhood, but I guess nothing is really all that safe anymore.  Not the food we eat, not the friends we keep, not the music we listen to.

I’m just curious to know when Al-Qaeda moved into the Bay area and don’t they know interrupting my afternoon naps makes me unsettled?  My beauty sleep is just as important as any political statement.

Gathering my things, I fled the scene single file as any good evacuee would.  I made my way through the multitude of police cars that surrounded my apartment building where I ran into my trusty maintenance man.

I asked him for the scoop but even he was oblivious to the day’s events.  He’s a wizard with a pocket wrench but not so good at picking apart a crime scene.

Then I started thinking, which one of my neighbors could actually be wacky enough to hold someone hostage?

Was it the Latin brother/sister combo who rev their motorcycle engines at six o’clock every morning?  Was it my other neighbor who always leaves her dog locked indoors and her garbage locked out?  Maybe it was the new portly couple who just moved in?  Or perhaps the five Indian college students downstairs who pile themselves into a two-bedroom apartment?  Detective SportsChump at your service.  Just the facts, ma’am.

I felt like rushing to my local Blockbuster and picking up a copy of “The Negotiator” to help solve the crime, except… there are no more local Blockbusters.

Maybe the hostage-taker was pissed about his college basketball brackets being busted.  Perhaps he’s a Pirates fan and can’t bear the thought of another losing season.  Maybe he’s a Cavaliers fan still upset about LeBron.  Or maybe he’s just miffed about the NFL strike.

Or maybe this had nothing to do with sports at all (How could that be?)

In the end, it wasn’t some crazed sports fan, nor was he holding anyone hostage.  It was just some depressed guy who was contemplating suicide.

What does this have to do with sports, you ask?

Nothing, really.  It’s just another unpredictable day in the life of SportsChump.

So what’s the moral of the story?

I guess that maybe we should all take the time to be a little more thankful for what we have: family, friends, life, health… and the fact that none of us are really Pirates fans anyway.  Or maybe there are no morals at all.

44 thoughts on “SportsChump held hostage… almost

  1. Pingback: SportsChump held hostage… almost, Other Sports | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. So you were held hostage ? Oh my God ! I hope your hostage taker wasn’t a Sheen fan holding you hostage in order he can obtain tickets for his upcoming shows in Tampa ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    The Rays are off to an 0-3 start say it ain’t so ? Johnny Damon makes Larry King seem like the second coming of Willie Mays . And Longo’ is now on the DL ? What’s next for the Rays ?

    tophatal …………….

  3. It all comes down to where you live. Its more than just LOCATION,LOCATION,LOCATION. Its what you’re known as. For example, if you live in New York, you’re a New Yorker. If you live in Los Angeles, you’re a Los Angelino. But if you live in Tampa, you’re a Tampon, which means you’re going to have a few bad days every month.

  4. An unauspicious start to the season for sure, Al.

    But then again, the Sox also got swept.

    Which fan base is panicking more this morning?

    And howzabout the UConn women getting bounced by Notre Dame?

  5. No Pirates fans? Ahem, you forgot someone! Please note, we just held the Cubbies hostage for 2 of 3 at their place; can the playoffs be far behind? GO BUCS!

  6. Chris

    I’d say that the Rays have more to worry about given that Longoria is liable to be on the DL for anywhere up to three weeks because of what might be either a torn or sprained oblique muscle . Given that the offense can’t get a hit much less score runs I’d say that’s a cause for Maddon and the team .

    The Red Sox on the other hand are known to be slow starters but my concern would be their pitching because I don’t think Beckett will have that good a season . It’s going to be down to Lester , Buchholz and Matsusaka to get the team going . As for Lackey I think his best days are behind him !

    tophatal ……………

  7. Chris

    With UConn losing to Notre Dame I just hope it’s a sign of things to come with regard to tonight ! I can’t stand either Calhoun or Auriemma ! The latter being a conceited bastard who if anything should simply shut the hell up ……………. he’s coaching women’s basketball for Christ’s sake ! He’d have nowhere near the success he’s attained were he coaching D1 Men’s Basketball ! He and the team simply underestimated the Fightin Irish and when you tend to do that you tend to be hoisted on your own petard (a_s) !

    Undoubtedly the two best female players in the women’s game are Maya Moore and Britney Griner and it’ll be interesting to see how they do at the next level .

    tophatal …………….

  8. Chris

    Impressive win by the Nuggets over the Lakers and it bodes well for George Karl’s —– team . Still think that the Knicks are better off after the trade given their record since ‘melo joined them ? The Nuggets on the other hand are 19-4 since the trade . So what does that tell you ? And don’t say …… it takes time to find cohesion as it’s a cop out ! If the Nuggets can post that sort of record then what does that tell you ’bout the Knicks as a team ?

    tophatal ……………

  9. We should be thankful if we are lucky enough to know our loved ones are healthy and safe, but we should be aware that the wolf is always at the door.

  10. Chris

    As you know I’m no great admirer of Calhoun or Auriemma ! The latter I find to be a conceited bas_ard who’s disrespectful of his opponents and someone who can’t take any form of criticism be it justified or not ! I doubt if Auriemma were coaching in D1 Men’s Basketball he’d have the success he’s achieved with UConn Huskies’ Women’s team ! Hell Summitt has had equal success but you don’t hear her berating the press or opponents for not giving her or team respect !

    It was a thing of beauty to see Auriemma quietened for once ! Unfortunately for Maya Moore she bows out at this juncture without a third consecutive national title on her impressive resume’ .

    tophatal ………..

  11. Will there actually be a sighting of Woods at The Masters in Augusta ………. this week at all ?

    tophatal ……………

  12. That’s a pretty nice NYC apartment you have here in Tampa…whats the rent, I might be moving soon. haha.

  13. WOW! The things one learns on the SC site! :O

    Talk about a crazy & unpredictable week … the stars must be mis-aligned and the good news is that things are sure to get better.

    Hang in there SC …. we are all rooting for ya. Keep up the great writing.
    M

  14. Snake….

    I’m taking them as they come, brother.

    NBA Playoffs are almost upon us and all will be fine.

    As long as Shaq’s foot is healthy, right?

  15. Yaz…

    For the time being, the Buccos have trash-talking privileges over the Red Sox, Rays and Butler Bulldogs.

    No disrespect, but enjoy it.

    On a side note, I’m more than willing to hear your take on what’s become of that franchise.

  16. Al…

    I’ll give Longoria the benefit of the doubt on that oblique. But he’s key to the Rays’ success this season considering he’s their money man.

    The Sox, well, they need to figure out their rotation and their lineup. I’m pretty sure they’ll contend when it’s all said and done.

    And Beckett? What’s up with him? They can’t contend without him providing 18 wins at least, I would think.

  17. Chris

    There’s going to a number of subplots as the AL East plays itself out this season !

    As for Longoria I don’t think he came into the season fully fit . An oblique injury like that usually doesn’t come up like that unless you’re fully in shape .

    All of the teams in the AL East insofar as their pitching goes they’re all suspect . The Rays …… have no bullpen and the Sox , Yankees , Orioles and Jays are each susceptible one way or another !

    Tell me last night’s game between Butler and U Conn was simply an aberration ? What the hell happened there ?

    The Women’s Finals might be more entertaining to watch in more ways than one that’s for sure ! There’ll be more points to be had if anything rather than the meager 94 points combined last between the two teams last night !

    tophatal ………………..

  18. Well, Al. Calhoun got his in one of the most unlikely of stories.

    An ugly ballgame to say the least.

    I guess the only good thing about this college basketball season is that we won’t have to listen to the same old conversations about whether this year’s champion is the best ever… although I have heard Vitale say repeatedly that Kemba Walker had the best individual season any Huskie’s ever had.

    I’m too disinterested to even dispute that with any research.

    And would it surprise you if Griner actually had a better pro career than Moore?

  19. The Auriemma-Summit rivalry is definitely one that doesn’t get enough pub in modern sports, Al, maybe because so few care about the women’s game, but it ranks right up there with the best of ’em.

  20. Al…

    I think Vegas has Tiger at 10:1, just behind Mickelson at 6:1, to win Augusta.

    If you think about it, 10:1 is nearly unheard of for him considering he was close to even money back in the day.

    If I offered you the opportunity for Tiger to either finish inside or outside the top three, which would you take?

  21. Nicky Z…

    Dude, how many apartments have you lived in the past few years and do all your previous landlords have a warrant out for your arrest or what?

    Oh, and where have you been on my karaoke nights? Don’t act like a rich kid such as yourself can’t afford a few bourbon cocktails.

  22. Al…

    I’m thinking Arizona may just want to go ahead and secede from the union.

    They pretty much play by their own set of rules anyway, don’t they?

  23. Dub-C…

    A blast from the past. Welcome back to all things Chumpy.

    To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what happened to the guy.

    Should I go ask to borrow a cup of sugar to find out?

  24. Al…

    If you check out my latest poll, I ask whether the Orioles are a contender or pretender in the American League East.

    I know KP is beside himself with their hot start. It looks like the O’s have a solid young rotation.

    In a 162-game season, I still say it’s too early to panic about the Sox and Rays, although with the way the Yankees are playing, it’s going to be tough for both of those teams to keep pace.

  25. Interesting. Kinda reminds me of the time my grandparents lived next to a chop shop in the SF bay area, and when I went to their house it was getting busted.

    Hopefully your living area isn’t depressing enough to keep having suicidal thoughts…

  26. Actually, Chap, it’s a pretty safe neighborhood and I’m happy here.

    Being a homeowner has it’s benefits.

    And who is it these days that doesn’t have a wacky neighbor or two?

  27. Chris

    Let Arizona secede from the Union ……. no great loss !

    As for Tiger being 10-1 is that for him not shoot at least two rounds over par ? That’s how inconsistent his game has now become !

    See below for his stats’ summary for the season so far .

    STANDARD STATS Rank Additional Stats
    Driving Distance 289.6 67th Tot. Dist. – 6,950 Tot. Drvs. – 24
    Driving Accuracy Percentage 47.62% 191st Fwys Hit – 80 Poss. Fwys – 168
    Greens in Regulation Percentage 67.59% 57th Greens Hit – 146 # Holes – 216
    Putting Average 1.788 107th GIR Putts – 261 Greens Hit – 146
    Eagles (Holes per) 216.0 93rd # Holes – 216 # Eagles – 1
    Birdie Average 3.50 100th # Birdies – 42 Tot. Rnds. – 12
    Scoring Average 70.86 65th Tot. Strks – 854 Tot. Adj. – 3.700-
    Sand Save Percentage 42.31% 140th # Saves – 11 # Bunkers – 26
    Total Driving 1,998 193rd Total rank from stats 1 & 2
    FedExCup Regular Season Points 160 93rd Pts.Behind – 1,001 –
    Money Leaders $240,696 97th – –
    Par Breakers 19.91% 109th #Bird/Eagl – 43 #Holes – 216
    Putts Per Round 29.17 86th Tot. Putts – 350 Tot. Rnds. – 12
    GIR Pct. – Fairway Bunker 55.0% 60th – –

    What is there really to feel aggrieve about by what Ozanian said ? It’s not as if Duemig’s dumb a_s has an answer to begin with ! Less we forget the Rays ….. have been one of the major beneficiaries of the league’s tax sharing revenue scheme before Sternberg …. took over the the team and they still are to this day along with several others around the league . How comes Duemig’s …. dumb a_s has never addressed that issue with him being so much of a capitalist ?

    He can’t have it both ways and neither can the fans for that matter !

    tophatal …………..

  28. Chris

    Beckett is like the hot chick at a party that everyone says is a looker …… but when you get up close and personal that tends not to be the case ! He’s a shadow of the once dominant pitcher he was in his prime .

    As if things can’t get much worse for the Rays ……….. Struggling Rays DH Ramirez out of the lineup

    And with Damon looking like a reason why Jack Lalane always promoted fitness for the elderly who are about to become AARP members . Could it get any worse ? Damon in the outfield is like having Richard Simmons play WR for the Bucs ………… no good can come of it !

    tophatal ………………

  29. Chris

    So LBJ’s momma got busted my cop of Miami PD for assaulting another female ? I wonder which player on the Heat’s roster the actual argument and fight was over ?

    Has Duemig’s fat a_s quietened down after his rant ? He needs to check himself before he wrecks himself ! This being the same guy who couldn’t be objective enough when the Bucs were literally ditching players to save money and you take him seriously on this issue concerning the Rays and the Ozanian piece in Forbes that he’s so aggrieved by ?

    tophatal ……………………..

  30. I’ll be over to check out your Rays piece in a bit, Al. And I didn’t get the chance to listen to Duemig yesterday but I imagine he’s not too happy with the Rays’ start either.

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