Chumpservations, Vol. 21: The Fighter, Spencer Whipple, Barry Bonds, spam and having fun with parallel parking

NOT JUST ANOTHER CANNED MEAT PRODUCT

I know just enough about the internet to make me dangerous but I still can’t help but wonder… what the hell is spam and where does it come from?

My inbox and comments section are flooded on the regular.  And for what?  Spam serves no purpose other than to piss us off.  It is the internet’s equivalent of cockroaches or keying another person’s car.

Even though WordPress has a spam filter to block out solicitors, webmaster Eddie G and I still waste precious hours weeding out emails for designer handbags, bankruptcy lawyers and magical penis enlargers, fortunately none of which we need.

Here we are spending millions of dollars trying to determine whether Barry Bonds lied to a grand jury while spam runs rampant through our airwaves.  Isn’t it about time we reassess our priorities?

Spam affects us way more than any home run hitters’ drug allegations.  Isn’t the time and money we’re dedicating to the Bonds trial better spent on eradicating spam and its various sources or is wishing for both of them to just go away an exercise in futility?

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

An old friend once told me that the eventual success of an athlete could always be found in his name.  Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Babe Ruth, Cassius Clay.  These are names that scream sports royalty.

Spencer Whipple does not.

Without getting into the whole “What were his parents thinking” argument, it’s hard to imagine a guy named Whipple doing anything other than selling bathroom tissue.

Whipple, now a senior at the University of Miami, was reportedly challenging Jacory Harris for the starting quarterback position but lost ground during spring practice.  No reports as to whether his name had anything to do with it.

Bernie Kosar, Jim Kelly, Vinny Testaverde.  THESE are the names of successful University of Miami quarterbacks.  Whipple doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of man.  Either way, whether it’s Jacory or Whipple taking snaps this fall, Hurricane fans are hoping they can improve upon last year’s 7-6 record, whether their quarterback has a funny name or not.

PARALLEL-O-JAM

I was born in New York City.  Even though most New Yorkers don’t even drive, we were still magically born with the innate ability to parallel park.  I didn’t start driving until later in life but parallel parking was always a cinch.

It’s all about the spacing, people.

For those of you who need assistance – and you might not know who you are – drive past the space you plan on parking in, turn on your blinkers to notify the vehicles behind you, then put your car in reverse and turn the steering wheel accordingly.

This should take one attempt, two max.  It’s really quite simple.

That being said, there is absolutely nothing more enjoyable than watching a driver incorrectly pull forward into a parking space, then repeatedly fumble his way around, stopping traffic behind him, until his car is still unevenly parallel with the curb.  It’s even more enjoyable when it’s a guy who has a date in his passenger seat he’s trying to impress.

You can literally see his chances of getting to third base decrease with each awkward turn.  Unless, of course, his date can’t parallel park either.  Then she probably finds it charming.

I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDA

I finally saw The Fighter. Good movie.  Definitely worth the price of admission… or rental, whichever floats your butterfly.

For whatever reason, boxing movies pound for pound (pun intended) are the easiest to turn into a box office hit.  Look at the amount of quality boxing movies that have been put out over the years:  Rocky, Raging Bull, Cinderella Man, The Fighter, Requiem for a Heavyweight, Million Dollar Baby, all of them about underdog boxers who overcome all odds.  Heck, even Diggstown was better than most of the droll football, baseball or basketball movies that have been made.

Sure, every once in a while, a movie will come out based on one of the three major sports that’s worth watching, but the list of horrendously unwatchable movies on these sports reads like a Siskel & Ebert wet dream: The Replacements, Varsity Blues, Eddie, Coach Carter, The Scout, The Rookie… need I continue?

The Natural, Hoosiers and The Longest Yard all obviously rank, but do production companies really expect us to buy Keanu Reeves and Adam Sandler as NFL quarterbacks?

I guess when it’s all said and done, we still have a soft spot in our heart for the underdog.  Fortunately many of those stories still come in the form of quality entertainment.

43 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 21: The Fighter, Spencer Whipple, Barry Bonds, spam and having fun with parallel parking

  1. “I don’t like spam”(in my bad Monty Python imitation)
    In all fairness to Spencer, with a last name like Whipple he never had a chance.
    I try to avoid the places that requires me to parrallel park. I can do it, I just don’t need the extra pressure in my life.
    The whole good white boxer thing really belongs in the science fiction category (unless they’re from eastern Europe:)
    Have a good weekend Rev!

  2. The sad thing is that spam must work, otherwise there wouldn’t be so much of it. From my own life, for some reason every day I get at least two or three of those “send us money to secure your fortune in some bank in Africa. Who the hell falls for this? Somebody must…

  3. You really think QB when you hear the name Bernie? Could have just as easily been… Bernie Kosar, agent to the stars! If Bubby Brister can play in the NFL, there is no name too un-quarterbacklike. Bubby Brister? Sounds like something requiring Valtrex.

    Oh, and the Canes will improve… they gave the game to Ohio St last year. The Tattooed Pawn Stars have to come to S Fla this year.

    Most drivers in the South can’t figure out a 4-way stop sign. Parallel parking is asking too much.

    Cinderella Man was fantastic. Giamati and Crowe made a hell of a team.

  4. Has ANYONE ever bought ANYTHING from a spam email? If so, please kill yourself. That is all.

  5. Totally unrelated to this article but Derrick Rose’s performance last night just about sealed the MVP award for him.

  6. Damn, look at the Aero hit-and-run before the weekend.

    You just get the sense that he loves Fridays, don’t ya.

    And Aer, you should just have your limo driver parallel park for you, sir.

  7. Dub…

    I don’t know if you ever used to watch “Flight of the Conchords” when it was on HBO, but there was one episode where Murray (present) actually answered one of those e-mails, and it turned out to be legit. The guy ended up meeting him and giving him the money.

    Of course, I don’t suggest you try this at home.

  8. GREAT point about Bubby, Han. He even ended up landing himself two Super Bowl rings, but of course he was backing up a man named John Elway.

    Brister actually ended up with a semi-respectable 81-78 career record, which is probably better than Joe Namath.

    But neither of us can say we weren’t surprised with the limited success he had.

    Tattooed pawn stars. Way to pile on Tressel. Nicely done. It’s been awfully quiet from my Buckeye contributors these days. Licking their wounds, perhaps?

    And I’m afraid that I, since living down here, have almost entirely given up on using my blinkers… unless of course, I’m parallel parking.

  9. Chris

    WordPress’ spam barely weeds out the crap that’s sent . And that’s one of the reasons I routinely just clean out the spam trough on the sites once a day .

    You know how much I love boxing but nowadays I’d rather watch an MMA bout overseen the UFC ! What’s on offer from the likes of King , De La Hoya and Arum as promoters would be best offered up rancid urine and dog crap !

    Keannu Reeves’ career beyond The Matrix Trilogies is barely recognizable !

    The cast of ‘The Fighter’ is the best ensemble cast I’ve come across in years ! All of the main character portrayals were fantastic !

    tophatal ………………….

  10. Donny C…

    I think you’re right. I wasn’t sure if voters were going to want to give him that award but now, I don’t see how he can’t.

    Here’s his line from last night:
    40 minutes
    9-16 FG
    10-10 FT
    5 rebs
    8 assts
    30 points

    The Bulls are 35-5 at home and 14-1 in their division.

    But they’re going to need that home court advantage come playoff time.

    Stay tuned for my playoff preview coming to a website near you.

  11. At one point, Al, I had about 7000 spam messages on the site. Webmaster Eddie G cleaned up most of ’em. I guess we’re just that popular.

    And I agree with you. As we’ve discussed before, professional boxing is in real bad shape, despite the Golden Boy’s efforts.

    I think the only bearable Keanu roles are the first Matrix, Bill and Ted’s and Parenthood. Otherwise, he’s pretty awful.

    And I didn’t get to see the Fighter extras, but I hear they were fantastic.

  12. Wait, so your saying that I shouldn’t have sent my bank account info to the poor girl in (insert foreign country here).

    It’s strange people don’t know how to parrallel park. Don’t they test you on that when you take the test?

  13. Chap…

    Since you’re already wealthy from the millions you’re bringing in at Doin’ Work, I’m assuming you can pretty much spend your loot however you deem appropriate.

    And dude, this is Florida. Our local DMVs renew drivers licenses to seniors pretty regularly. Why would you think it matters whether one can actually parallel park?

  14. Chris

    7,000 ? I don’t even bother to count ! Mind you I’ve had spam come from as far away as Thailand . Who knew that I’d be of interest to anyone there ?

    De La Hoya came into boxing as a promoter he says to clean up the sport and make it respectable . Had he forgotten about Don King and Bob Arum and how much they control the sport with an almost iron fist and rod of iron combined ? It’s no wonder that both Klitschko brothers don’t want to fight here anyway ’bout the only person interested in seeing a Klitschko would be the actress Hayden Pannetierre . . And I think she’s showed one of the brothers all of her goodies !

    When they say that Tiger is still in the hunt at The Masters are they actually referring to his game or the fact that Charlie Sheen is in close proximity of Augusta with some Tiger Blood __ ……………….. ‘winning’ it’s easy if you know how . Unfortunately as of late the same can’t be said about Tiger Woods . .

    Can you believe that Sheen has trademarked Tiger Blood and winning ? So have you shelled out for a ticket for when his tour hits Tampa ? Just wanted to know that’s all .

    tophatal

  15. Reeves was reasonable in the Keaton Nicholson vehicle …… ‘Something’s Gotta Give’ .

    He sucked playing a cop which was a total miscast opposite Forrest Whittaker in Street Kings ‘ . Carson Kressley from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy would have been a better choice ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! Reeves makes Tom Cruise’s form of acting a tour-de-force . And the last good thing Cruise was in, may well have been ‘Collateral’ and ‘The Last Samurai’ but that was only because the supporting cast around was a damn lot better than he was ! At $20 million plus a pic you want chicken liver or beef bourguignon not chicken s_it !

    tophatal ……………….

  16. Chris,

    I hope you gotta excuse from moving away from the Big Apple. Mine was the legality of my profession. LV is a sewer comparable to S Fla. Oh well, we gotta do……

    Oh yeah, the spam issue. An old timer out here contributes monthly to the various email scams. He’s also borlderline dementia. I tried to inform him, but was told to MMOFB. Ok.

  17. Al…

    You know I’d support your commissionership to help clean up that sport. Just remember the small people on your way up.

    It looks like Tiger may have found a little sumpin’ sumpin’ with a 31 on the back nine on Friday. It’s the Saturdays and Sundays that have gotten to him lately.

    Let’s see how he does. Despite all he’s been through, is anyone willing to bet against him?

  18. RB…

    Actually, I was a kid when we left NYC, but I will say, not that I’m an adult (in my own mind), I’ve found a home here in Florida and am pretty damn happy.

    Weather, bikinis, frozen margaritas year round? Life is good.

    You found a guy who contributes to email scams? What’s that all about? You might have stumbled on to something. Is spam an inconvenience perpetrated upon us by a select few?

    This sounds like a Matt Damon movie.

  19. Chris

    So Manny takes a a dump on the Rays and that wonderful odor you can smell is the fecal matter that came from his rectum as he rides off into the sunset with his apparent legacy he feels is OK . And you bought into this bs with him and Damon having something to offer the Rays ? Are you kiddin’ me ?

    That .059 BA of Manny’s must stack up really well don’t you think ? Never mind Damon’s agility in the outfield ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! There’s more fun to be had watching an episode of the The Golden Girls than watching the Rays while Damon is in the outfield !

    The Masters is now McIllRoy’s to lose ! As for those as_hole analysts on the Golf Channel they’re completely clueless ! They couldn’t spot talent ………… much less spell the word !

    tophatal ………………

  20. A dysfunctional start to the Rays season to say the least, Al.

    In a competitive AL East, I fail to see how the Rays can put things back together again, particularly with the roster they have, and we both know they’re not spending any money to fill their holes.

    Sure, they miss Carl Crawford but I also think they miss Matt Garza more than they know.

    They currently have no reliable number two starter, putting even more pressure on Price to win every time he goes out.

    The (skeptical) enthusiasm surrounding the Damon and Ramirez signings has flown out the window within a week and Manny’s legacy now equals the rest of baseball’s superstars that have been associated with steroids.

    Re: the Masters, McIlroy has a four-stroke lead heading into Sunday. At only 21 years of age, we’ll soon see if he has enough gumption to see this thing through.

  21. Chris

    I don’t subscribe to the bul_shit of turning a competitive in a dog-n-pony shows as the Rays have done ! And what Man Ram has now done to ’em only goes to show naive they were. He fails a drug test during the preseason and when it’s time for him to be punished there’s no recourse ! How fuc_ked up is the game of baseball as of now ? There’s no common sense in the Rays’ front office much less within the game’s hierarchy headed by Selig .

    Johnny Miller says that the Europeans aren’t good enough to win Majors ? Harrington won three within the space of 18 months , Kaymer has one won and now tops the world rankings . WTF is Miller on ? Or has he been sniffin’ his wife’s rancid draws so he can get off ? McDowell also has won one ! And less we forget the US had its a_s handed to them in the Ryder Cup ?

    tophatal ………………..

  22. What the Rays sorely miss is leadership ! And it’s not being provided by anyone on this team and it includes Longoria in spite of what he says . He is no more vocal than a deaf mute !

    tophatal ……………

  23. Al…

    I know we differed in opinion on the Manny-Damon signings and I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong, at least on Mannybust 2011, but who could possibly have foreseen his newest drug bust? It’s not like he’s failed a test before.

    Just joking.

    This latest episode makes his previous public statement about taking some female fertility drug even more laughable than we once thought.

    Johnny Miller said that about the Europeans? Has he not been watching golf over the past few years?

    Cll me kooky, but I’m guessing after hearing Jim Nantz interview Charl Schwartzel that the ain’t from around here. If Miller actually said that, Al, that smacks of racism, which is NOT to be confused with patriotism.

  24. Let me assure you that Spencer Whipple has no shot – nor has he ever – at being the starting quarterback at the University of Miami. The race is between Jacory Harris and last season’s pleasant surprise, Stephen Morris. Whipple, in fact, played the series before Morris came in for good, and it was – with due respect to Buck Ortega – the worst 3-snap performance in UM history.

    We’ll win a ho-hum (but better) 9 games this year.

    Stay Golden, Ponyboy.

  25. 9 wins, huh, Fro-B?

    Considering you and I are on opposite ends of the Florida school cheering section, I’m guessing 9 might be a touch optimistic. After all, weren’t you supposed to win that many last season?

    My service doesn’t have over/unders up yet for college football but here’s your 2011 schedule, not that you don’t already have it memorized:

    09/05/11 @ Maryland
    09/17/11 Ohio State
    09/24/11 Kansas State
    10/01/11 Bethune-Cookman
    10/08/11 @ Virginia Tech
    10/15/11 @ North Carolina 10/22/11 Georgia Tech
    10/27/11 Virginia
    11/05/11 Duke
    11/12/11 @ Florida State
    11/19/11 @ USF
    11/26/11 Boston College

    I’ll take the under on that nine if you’d care to place a friendly wager, not that I condone gambling or anything.

    Loser buys a cocktail at one of Tampa’s finer gentleman’s establishments when you come down for that USF game on your We Love Al Golden Laundromat Tour 2011.

    Oh, and just out of curiosity, did you happen to check out the unveiling of the three golden and quite gaudy Spurrier, Wuerffel and Tebow statues at Florida’s latest spring outing?

    They probably think this song is about them.

  26. Chris

    Miller ……. was never the brightest bulb on a Christmas tree ! . As for Schwartzel does anyone actually watch golf other than the putrid crap that’s served up on the PGA Tour ? If they’d been watching they’d know that Schwartzel is one of the most consistent players on the European Tour as well as being ranked inside the top 15 in the world rankings .

    Jim Nantz knows about as much about golf as Congress ……. knows about balancing the budget and deficit ! If it weren’t for the fact he gets the info fed into an ear piece he’d show all of the insight of a blind man playing hopscotch in the midst of a mine field !

    So LeBron and his momma wants to use the ” race card” after she assaulted a hotel employee ? The fact that the victim is also a minority has me wondering how unintelligent both LBJ and his momma are !

    tophatal …………

  27. Chris

    Longo’ like the Mets’ David Wright are your downsized versions of Jeter . Act like Tarzan but in large part they either play like …. Jane or they simply come across pretty boy wannabe’s because of the money they’re now being paid.

    As for Manny and the fact that he can now walk away unpunished after a the second failure of a drug test shows how fu_king naive the fans and the MLB hierarchy actually are ! I personally think that even though he can’t be fined he ought not be allowed to return to the game unless he sits out that suspension . The Rays are on the hook for his salary for the month and that’s money that could’ve gone elsewhere on someone who’d at least have played their heart out for the team. Obviously the same can’t be said ’bout Manny ! I think the Rays are deserving of this because they simply didn’t use due diligence before going after the guy . It shows the complete naivete’ of both Friedman and Sternberg !

    tophatal ………..

  28. Chris

    Did Miller also forget that the US had their a-s handed to ’em in the Ryder Cup last year ? The score may have reflected a 14 1/2 to 13 1/2 win for Europe . But the competition was over midway through the singles as the US caved like the bit_hes they are !

    But yet he states it was a commendable effort by the team ? At what point was it commendable ? When over the first two days they were limping around like someone had stuffed a hot poker up the team’s a_s ? The team was never in with a chance of winning were it played here in the US or actually at Celtic Manor , Wales .

    It wasn’t patriotism on Miller’s part but sheer stupidity and xenophobic tendencies . Two majors and 23 other wins and they thought he’s deserving of being in the World Golf Hall of Fame ? What a joke !

    tophatal ……….

  29. C’mon, Al.

    You know when it comes to golf, if we watch at all, it’s the PGA Tour and more specifically what Tiger is doing, and that’s it. I hadn’t heard of Schwartzel before the weekend so I can’t fault anyone else for not doing so either.

    And oh to be a fly on the wall outside that hotel as Momma LeBromma went off on that valet guy.

  30. Al…

    Longo and Wright are EXTREMELY downsized versions of Derek Jeter. In fact, I can’t believe you even mentioned them in the same breath.

    All I will say in agreement is that those two were SUPPOSED to provide that sort of team leadership and have so far fallen well short.

    And if Manny does ever decide to return, Al, he will have to sit out that suspension. As of right now, though, he’s pretty much off scott free and the only ones left suffering are Rays fans and the organization that took a gamble on signing him.

  31. Re: Miller, Al.

    I don’t what he’s thinking. The Europeans have dominated the Americans in recent international play.

    Maybe he’s been in hibernation.

  32. Chris

    Miller has got to be off his meds !

    The PGA Tour needs Woods more than he needs it ! I mean before he came unto the scene I doubt most grandmothers would’ve known who Tiger Woods was to begin with ! And for those morons out there who think that the prize money on the Tour simply ballooned because of inflation they ought to remove their heads from out of their own a_s if at this juncture it’s still possible rather than continuing to show their innate stupidity !

    What’s up with the Gamecocks’ Stephen Garcia ? This kid attracts trouble like flies hover around any type of fecal matter ! Spurrier has got to be pi_sed with this kid considering the number of chances he’s been repeatedly given .

    Rose will gladly accept the league MVP because he ain’t gonna get no tail walking around with the Nobel Peace Prize even if it means an additional $1.5 million in his pocket as prize money . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    Did the Lakers …. get hit by a Mack Truck in their lopsided loss (120-106) to the Thunder . God damn they were never ever in that game for one minute of it !

    JW may well have to rethink his thoughts on the Lakers simply walking through the playoffs . They’ve now lost 5 straight games and that’s a first with Jackson as coach of the team and over the course of his time with the Lakers.

    tophatal ………..

  33. Chris

    Miller is a drunken hack ! He and Nantz ought to spend their time counting the stars in the sky rather than giving us commentary on golf !

    Apparently Nantz and Fred Couples attended college together ? But according the stories out there Couples was the quiet guy and the third wheel when the posse went out hunting for chicks . Hard to believe considering Couples’ alleged exploits off the golf course and alleged numerous trysts while he was married . His divorce apparently cost him upwards of $30 million . Pales into comparison when measured against Woods’ multi million dollar payout .

    tophatal………

  34. Chris

    So what you’re saying that no one ought to be compared to Jeter ? What he’s now Lord of all he surveys ? If Jeter is meant to be a saint then I hate to see how one ought view Pujols given his philanthropic efforts as it relates to kids with special needs ! Did you by any chance catch the 60 Minutes special segment last night devoted to him as a player ? Peter Gammons was drooling over him (Pujols) like a kitten who’d just found a bowl of milk !

    He ( Gammons ) said that as now Pujols is one of the ten best players ever to have played the game and that he will be first ballot Hall of Famer when his career is over . High praise indeed from someone who doesn’t lavish praise on anyone not wearing the Red Sox uniform or who just just happens to be named Derek Jeter !

    tophatal …………

  35. So two players on the Gators’ basketball team now find themselves in trouble with the law having been charged with theft having broken into a vehicle ?

    What’s this ’bout two female co-eds on the campus of USF being caught performing or_l sex on each other while in the library late at night ? Man how I miss my college days ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!!!

    tophatal …………..

  36. Al…

    There’s no denying the Tour needs Tiger more than he needs it but if he keeps this up, he’ll be on Dancing with the Stars in no time. Guy can’t win an event. But at least he’ll have banged about half the dancers on the show. Slumpbuster, anyone?

    Thunder could do some damage in the playoffs, Al, but you’ll just have to wait and read about that in my NBA playoff preview.

    And J-Dub might be one of the more entertaining writers out there but just like the rest of us, he’s sometimes prone to allowing his fanaticism to get the best of him. The Lakers may very well repeat, but it won’t be a walk in the park.

  37. Whoa, Al. Slow your roll.

    I never said that about Jeter. You said “Longo’ like the Mets’ David Wright are your downsized versions of Jeter” and I replied “Longo and Wright are EXTREMELY downsized versions of Derek Jeter.”

    And if Albert Pujols is one of the ten best players to ever play the game, where does that leave Barry Bonds? Top five?

  38. So Erik Murphy and Cody Larson were suspended for breaking into someone’s car?

    No big loss, Al. At least Billy D will have two more roster spots for players who don’t have their heads up their asses.

  39. Chris

    Bonds pre or post steroid ? LOL,LOL ,LOL !!!

    Well at least Donovan isn’t facing the same problems as either Spurrier with Stephen Garcia or Brian Kelly of Notre Dame with Michael Floyd ! Those two players combined and their recent problems would make even the likes of LT and Plaxico Burress blush !

    Jeter will always be loved no matter what ! Every guy wants to be like him and every hot chick wouldn’t mind sleeping with him . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    Couples may well have been shy in college but once he got on the Tour he let his 9 iron do the talking in more ways than one if you know what I mean ?

    tophatal …………………

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*