Ice cream flavors sure to fail

On a recent quest to satisfy my sweet tooth, I swung by a neighboring Baskin-Robbins for a late-night sugar fix.

I generally keep it simple when choosing from any of their thirty-one flavors.  I’m a coffee ice cream kind of guy, always have been, but it never ceases to amaze me the endless barrage of flavors the good folks at B-R come up with on a daily basis.

Conjuring up ice cream flavors for a living has to be as entertaining as inventing names for rock bands or superheroes.  So for fun, and even though I’m lactose intolerant (I have no patience for lactose. And I won’t stand for it – Jerry Seinfeld), I figured I’d try my hand at coining some of the least palatable ice cream flavors this side of Ben & Jerry.

Be prepared.  The following list might just cure your sweet tooth for a while… and I think I just blew any chance at a career with Baskin-Robbins.

Ice cream flavors sure to fail

Pastrami on rye

Bruised banana

Mystery Sushi

Nerf

Old smelly sock

Pimento Olive

Spicy Chicken Wing

Rubber Tire

Windex

Poopy Diaper

Armpit Curlies

Mustard

Jalapeno Popper

Asparagus

Castrol

Scotch and Soda

Sewage Sweet

Freshly Cut Lawn

Scabalicious

Baby Spittle

Shards O’Glass

Blueberry Breastmilk

Candle Wax

* As always, no animals were harmed in the making of this blog post.

52 thoughts on “Ice cream flavors sure to fail

  1. For the Ray’s flavors you forgot “Manny’s Juice”?

    Hysterical post …and great diet idea as I’ve lost all desire for lunch now, thanks. :)

    M

    PS: SC, which friend was it in NYC (?) that use to go & ask for samples of EVERY flavor? HA!

  2. That was the ManRoid Remorse reference.

    Glad I could help curb the appetite.

    And damn, SportsChump trivia.

    You’d think I’d be good at that one but I’m drawing a blank.

  3. Blueberry Breastmilk … it just doesn’t get any better than that. I’ll take a double scoop in a sugar cone. Thanks

  4. Chris,
    If you feel the need for Ice Cream today, I saw that Ben and Jerry’s is giving away free cones today. If I had to choose a flavor for failure, it would be bacon ice cream. No particular reason just sounds awful.
    -diehardsport.com

  5. Chap…

    Much like Barry Bonds, I have never failed a drug test.

    I actually gave up the green trees a few years back. That’s just residue from earlier years you’re sensing.

  6. Diehard…

    You think they’ll let me in after this post?

    And don’t they serve bacon ice cream at the Florida State Fair or was that just Krispy Kreme hamburgers that was hardening everyone’s arteries?

  7. Chris

    But Paula Dean swears by some of these desserts . And be on the lookout for Kirstie Alley as that b_tch has been known to eat more than her own weight when sitting down for a meal !

    So The Irish’s Brian Kelly feels that his WR Michael Floyd simply has some growing up to do …………. well in the off season Floyd’s problems make the Gamecocks’ Stephen Garcia pale in comparison . Theft , grand larceny , battery , sexual battery ………. need I go on ?

    The Weekend In Sports And Other Select Observations ……….

    tophatal …………

    tophatal ……………………..

  8. Chris

    I can’t believe that you had the temerity put Howard up in your poll for League MVP ! What you couldn’t have put up Artest or Serge Ibaka ? LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    tophatal …………….

  9. Man, I got a restaurant around the corner that serves Krispy Kreme hamburgers. Nice…

  10. I’ll be right over to check out your Garcia-bashing, Al.

    I guess they won’t be erecting any statues of him outside Williams-Brice Stadium any time soon.

  11. Lisa…

    You know you like it.

    In fact, I think this post has inspired me to come up with a new cocktail.

    I’ll work on that behind the bar Wednesday.

    Perhaps three parts blueberry vodka, one part Godiva white chocolate vodka, one part half-and-half.

    I’ll let you know how it turns out… or whether it just turns my stomach.

  12. Denny’s is currently running a bacon-themed commercial that features their Bacon Sundae. WTH!

    Also, I recall and old Iron Chef ep that required the entire menu to include bell peppers…. and one of the chefs made ice cream from the bell peps. WTH!

    Interesting because I usually don’t watch commercials or Iron Chef.

  13. Chris

    If Howard is an MVP candidate then put me down as GOP …. running mate to run alongside Trump should he win the Republican nomination in 2012 ! Which is highly unlikely ! (non-party affiliate merely a keen observer of this archaic broken system ) And I’m not even a Republican or citizen . You don’t get nominated for the award merely for the stats alone but for other qualities as well . What has Howard shown us in reality this season ? The team is so inconsistent that it doesn’t bear thinking about !

    You’re putting way too much into Howard albeit that he’s the sole reason to watch the Magic play other than the animated rants of Van Gundy . I swear if he ( SVG ) were a female I’d come to the conclusion he was going through menopause !

    tophatal …………..

  14. Chris

    Simply another reason why the Justice System shows no common sense !

    LT has been a habitual philanderer and at the same time he’s multiple run ins with law concerning procuring sex from prostitutes (underage in Miami though at the time it wasn’t proven) .

    See the link below as to the presiding judge’s latest idiocy in lieu of the guilty verdict with regard to his last case ?

    Lawrence Taylor declared low-risk sex offender

    tophatal …………

  15. Al…

    Are you honestly telling me that, technical fouls aside, Dwight Howard hasn’t had a good season?

    Let me ask you this. How many players would you vote ahead of him?

  16. Al…

    The American justice system is well beyond showing common sense.

    Unfortunately, it’s become a distorted construct where the better, i.e., more expensive attorneys, are able to play the system to meet their client’s needs.

    It’s been a joke for quite some time so I don’t know why any of this surprises you any more.

    The bottom line in this country is…. if you can’t afford a good attorney, don’t get into trouble.

  17. Chris

    In the league MVP voting I’d put the following players ahead of Dwight </b< …… in no order of preference Rose , Kobe , LeBron , Nowitzki , Durant and Stoudemire !

    And now tell me how has Dwight as such improved the Magic and which players if any have to your knowledge had a great season to your mind on the team ?

    Both Richardson’s have added nothing to the team and Arenas appears to be a mere caricature and shadow of his days with the Wizards . Jameer flits in and out of games more often than the breeze changes direction. So pray do tell how has this team really shown any maturity over the course of the season ? Hell they’ve struggled to close out games against lesser opponents over the course of the season because of their complacency and the naivete shown by the players and Van Gundy.

    And by the way don’t count out the Bulls merely because of their recent postseason inexperience. Tom Thibodeaux as their coach has a better coaching pedigree than SVG having been an assistant with both Rivers and Popovich when both organizations were winning their most recent titles .

    tophatal ………….

  18. Well, Al, let’s just assume for one second that Most Valuable Player means exactly that and not the best player in the league.

    If it meant best player, LeBron would probably win, or maybe Kobe, and Jordan would have never lost one while in the league.

    Working along the premise that the MVP goes to the player that is most valuable to his team, I can’t give the award to either LeBron or Kobe, since those teams have enough talent and would likely be playoff teams without those guys in the lineup.

    I don’t know that Dirk’s having a season any better than he did than when he won the award last time.

    I like your Stoudemire argument. He did make the Knicks relevant again before Carmelo even got there.

    But Dwight is averaging career highs in scoring and rebounding, Al. He has improved his offensive game and just because he lands a few technical fouls, that shouldn’t mean he doesn’t deserve MVP consideration.

    Take him off that Orlando squad and whatcha got, Al. The Magic offense, and defense, runs through Dwight. As you mention, he’s the only consistent player they have.

  19. It’s not about the best player in the league but the value of that player to his team ! C’mon now as good as Howard can be by his own demeanor he can become more of a liability. If you can’t see that as a fact than I’d hate to know what you’re actually watching when the Magic plays . And by way of development who on the Magic would say even is even a match to either Harden or Westbrook on the Thunder ?

    How long has Howard been in the league ? His game if anything has developed so slowly you’d have thought he’s a snail ! He hasn’t learned anything from Ewing as his mentor ! If he had done so , then his game would be far more prolific . There aren’t that many good centers in the league anymore , if anything they’re a dying breed !

    The Thunder have won several games this season when Durant has had something of a pedantic game even his standards . How often can you say that about the Magic ?

    How’s he an asset when he gets himself into foul trouble the way he so often does ? If he carries on that way in the playoffs both you and I know that this team is doomed for failure ! The trades that Otis Smith made hasn’t made this team any better than they were. If anything they’re even more inconsistent and prone to under-performing !

    tophatal ………………..

  20. Chris

    As athletic as LBJ would you honestly say he’s the best player in the league ? It’s his athleticism that excites and has in awe . I look at a player for what they show from a leadership standpoint and whether not he makes those around him actually raise the level of their game . LBJ hasn’t done that in Cleveland and he hasn’t done it in Miami …… as he’s got D-Wade and that proverbial hanger on …… Chris ‘ I Came Here To Win’ Bosh !

    tophatal ……………

  21. Chris

    The judge who saw fit not have LT become a registered sex offender is just as idiotic as the judge who presided over the case where a female college student had been raped outside a nightclub . (Dragged into an alley and raped several times _______ he’d (assailant) been a repeat offender recently released from prison in La,.) . The judge having pronounced sentencing he then made the statement that had the victim not been dressed provocatively she would not have been raped . It’s open season on women and kids (in terms of sex crimes ) when it comes to justice system because in large part the friggin’ judges are too dumb for their own good (they’d rather assail the victims) …… especially when they come out with such incendiary statements . The victim has been raped once, then she has the judge rape her further with such an asinine statement !

    In the midst of surveying the MLB landscape and throwing my hat into the ring in terms of supporting a team . For some reason chappy is under the impression I’d turn to supporting the Rays . I wonder what gave him that idea ?
    Not everyone domiciled in the state just happens to be a Rays’ fan ……. I mean we’ve more fans within this state who support teams other than the Rays , than the Rays actually has attendees coming out to support them at the Trop and that’s the primary dilemma that the organization has . It’s fanbase isn’t and was never that large to begin with . They’ll never be able to compete financially with the big market teams or mid market from a competitive or financial standpoint as of now . Their window of opportunity came and went in the space of two highly energetic and exciting years !

    What do you now think lies in the Rays’ immediate future ?

    tophatal …………….

  22. Personally, Al, I never thought Ewing was a good choice as Dwight’s mentor. They’re entirely two different types of centers. Howard will never have the jump shot Pat had. But working this off-season with Hakeem did help his game out quite a bit.

  23. Chris

    Here’s one reason why Howard won’t win the MVP of the league . I think this explains it succinctly enough !

    Courtesy of USA Today …. article by Jeff Zillgittt

    MVP smelling like Rose, but others have case, too

    The NBA MVP race looks cut and dried. Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose is the winner, right?

    It’s not that easy. Whether Rose should, not will, win the award has dominated the discussion — although players from LeBron James to Dwight Howard say Rose should.

    Rose is the strong favorite, the best player on the best team in the Eastern Conference, averaging 25.1 points, 7.8 assists, 4.1 rebounds and 1.0 steals.

    AUDIO GALLERY: Rose in pictures and his own words
    NBA BONUS: East matchups set; West still jockeying

    The Bulls have transformed from a 41-41 team that was the eighth seed in last season’s playoffs to championship-caliber this time, largely because of Rose’s play and leadership under first-year coach Tim Thibodeau.

    “What he’s done for that team … them being first in the Eastern Conference. He’s playing some really good basketball,” said James, winner of the past two MVP awards.

    Advanced-statistics disciples — a well-armed, unified, analytic group — cringe at the idea of Rose winning the award. They have made a compelling, if not unyielding, argument that someone other than Rose should win.

    ESPN.com’s John Hollinger proclaimed voting Rose MVP is a mistake. Hollinger, who is not alone, favors Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard, who is among a group of MVP candidates that includes Miami Heat forward LeBron James, Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki and Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant.

    ————————————–

    Click on link to read in its entirety .


    ===========================

    You get the pros and cons for each of the candidates as the author sees it and I think his assertions are justified .

    tophatal …………….

  24. One day, Al, it will no longer surprise you that athletes, and movie stars, with high-priced attorneys will get their charges and sentences reduced.

  25. Chris

    If Ewing wasn’t good enough then who should the Magic have hired to get Howard’s game on track ? I mean who was actually out there at the time willing to take on the endeavor ? Kareem has had his problems with Bynum and that’s still a work in progress and it’s not as if there’s anyone on Van Gundy’s coaching staff that’s even remotely qualified to begin with !

    tophatal ……………….

  26. Chris

    The case with the judge and the female victim he disparaged was a civilian case without a celebrity being involved .

    As for LBJ’s mama and her latest outburst her physical assault on the valet of a Miami Beach establishment has gone on viral on the ‘net from what I’ve been led to believe . Though the guys from WLLD 94.1 have said they’ll post it on their site one their entertainment reporter Carlos Diaz obtains approval from TMZ.com .

    The scale of justice is indeed blind but they’re also partial rather than being impartial !

    Dropped this lil’ ditty

    Adrift In The Midst of Mediocrity

    tophatal …………..

  27. I hate to say it, Al, but the Rays are in a rebuilding phase.

    That’s not to say they can’t compete but as we both know, it’s a long, tough road in the AL East.

    I think smaller market teams CAN compete with the larger markets. They just have one big strike against them going in.

    If they can somehow get this team over to the Tampa side of the bay and get some corporate sponsorship for the stadium, and roster, they might be able to land a big name or two.

    They better do that before David Price’s contract runs out.

  28. I’ll get around to reading that Hollinger article when I get back from work, Al, but at least he agrees with me on Howard.

    I don’t see how you don’t give Rose this award, though.

  29. I don’t think the Magic will stroll through to the second round, Al, but I do think they’re a better team than the Hawks. I also think they can take down Chicago.

    Would it surprise me if Atlanta beat them?

    Not one bit.

  30. Chris

    The expectations weren’t that high for the Bulls this season , both you and I know that ! However for the Magic at best they’re one of the top four teams within the division without a doubt . Hereien lies the caveat to everything if they’re that good then how is it that beyond Howard no one else really stands out beyond Dwight Howard .

    Look at who on the Bulls has stepped up besides Rose ………… to compliment him ?

    Rose lifted that team on his shoulders and has worked a miracle but it has been the coaching of Thibodeau that has stood out and what’d you expect when you consider his background an assistant to both Popovich and River where taught both teams the art of playing resolute defense .

    You’re giving Hollinger way too much credit but it’s his mancrush and probably undeniable partiality kicking in. It’s not about deserving the award because you like the guy but about his body of work and what he’s done around him to make his team better . In all honesty given that Magic roster who on there has actually stepped up to the plate other than Howard ? If you can provide me with a concise answer then you could be on the way to persuading me !

    tophatal ………………

  31. A team like the Rays can’t survive in its present guise not with that sort of paltry fanbase and salary obstacle in their way.

    Do you honestly see Longoria , Price or Upton being on this team two or four years from now if they’re still struggling financially and at the same time there’s essentially just a small clique of no more than 15= 20,000 fans at best attending games It’s idiotic to think that they can survive while hemorrhaging millions repeatedly each season or would you want them to operate like the federal government is now doing ……….. being completely clueless as to their direction economically. You seem to forget they’ve not shown an operating profit without the assist from the league by way of the tax sharing revenue scheme . It’s socialism at its best MLB style in that respect .

    Six teams are essentially making sure that small market teams remain in tact how is it that you can’t see that for yourself ? Teams with the large payrolls have paid in excess of $ 200 million since the scheme came into being and it really hasn’t done anything the change the imbalance .

    tophatal …………………………

  32. Chris

    What local businesses in Hillsborough County much less the city of Tampa has the money to associate themselves with the Rays in these dire economic times ? If they’re going to seek a ROI it won’t be with an organization that simply struggles to get people to attend their games .

    If they’re going to advertize then they might as well stick with the print , tv and radio media .

    I know the local tv ratings are there but that’s about it but even then it’s not enough for an organization such as the Rays. Like I’ve said to you repeatedly the best thing Sternberg ought to be doing now is to look for an outside investor to make a major cash infusion while becoming either a silent or major partner. It has worked for the Rangers and look at what the Astros have since done since Drayton McClane sold the team to Houston businessman Jim Crane ? No money worries as of now from a financial standpoint .

    Sternberg may well have made his money as a commodities broker but when it comes to the game of baseball he’s way out of his depth from a business standpoint !

    Adrift In The Midst of Mediocrity …

    And So It Begins ……….. The NBA Playoffs Are Here …….

    tophatal ………………….

  33. I’m not sure how much pre-season expectations have to do with MVP voting, Al.

    I agree with you that the Bulls were a pleasant surprise but after they acquired Boozer and held on to Deng, we all knew they were going to be pretty good.

    I think you have to look at more than the “Well, the Bulls were better than we thought they’d be, and the Magic aren’t, so we can’t give Dwight Howard the MVP award” argument.

    I’m still holding to my prediction of Rose winning it and Dwight coming in second.

    And if you’re suggesting that no one else on the Magic roster has stepped up OTHER than Howard, I think you’re just making my argument for me.

  34. You’re right about the Rays, Al.

    Did you happen to catch all those empty seats in what turned out to be a helluva ballgame last night?

    Only 10,000 fans saw Johnny Damon hit that walk-off.

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