SportsChump invades Augusta National: A tradition unlike any other
September 9th, 2011 by Chris Humpherys
Good news arrived in the mail today, which was a welcome change from the bills, catalogs and random coupon mailings that usually clutter my mailbox.
A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to score tickets to the Masters through a friend. For those of you who don’t know, the Masters is as elite a sporting event as there is, a tradition unlike any other, according to Jim Nantz.
You can’t just buy tickets to Augusta National and strut onto the course. If you’re interested in attending, you have to submit your name into a lottery and, with a whole lotta luck, your name is chosen out of a pool of over what has to be one million golf-thirsty applicants.
Well, this year, my name was chosen, which means come early April, yours truly will be arriving in Augusta in full SportsChump regalia.
I don’t mean to rub it in, but I am currently in possession of four tickets to Wednesday’s Par Three competition. Now, before you all line up at my doorstep asking to come along for the debaucherous ride, I should inform you that three gentlemen have already been selected to accompany me. Whether they choose to attend is up to their livers, overall stamina and the willingness of their significant others to sign the hall pass.
These are my running mates, my posse and my brethren and have been for years. Between the three of them, they have probably consumed more Jack Daniels than the entire population of Lynchburg, Tennessee. We have been to Las Vegas, the Bahamas and all throughout the southeast to witness the Florida Gators win and lose.
So without further ado, gentlemen, I present to you The Usual Suspects, who have all but committed to descending upon Augusta next year with a bang. Like any gentleman of low moral fiber, I’m sure any one of these three would be willing to accept a small bribe for you to take his place.
Suspect # 1: The Don Calvino
Simply put, the Don is one of the coolest cats around. Despite being a Dolphins and Mets fan, he’s actually a nice guy. Besides, these days, rooting for those shit-ass teams is kind of endearing.
The Don is the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back, and not only because he’s often found dancing to techno music at your local gay bar.
His turn-ons include Captain Kirk, big-screen TVs, the Stray Cats, Grey Goose and Latin American women, not necessarily in that order, although I am pretty sure Captain Kirk does come first on that list. The Don is the only guy you’ll meet who can throw up on an airplane in broad daylight and still manage to get the digits of the girl next to him who saw him doing so. Now that’s suave. The Don Calvino is also the only person I know who requires a “two this” introduction. These are my friends Dave, Rob, Tom and THIS… this is the Don Calvino.
The Donny C was with me at the Masters last time I was there. Assuming his travel and work schedules allow, the Don will once again be a welcome contribution to the Augusta crowd.
Suspect # 2: Liar North
Liar North is personally responsible for my first ever Masters visit. The crackeriest of crackers you’ll ever want to meet, Liar North and I used to date sisters back in the day. As usual, I was the family favorite.
Liar North has a sense of humor as dry as the Sahara but is bound to keep you in stitches. As a Carolina Panther fan and Florida alumnus, he’s currently struggling over whether to love or hate Cam Newton. He’s into NASCAR, Mia Hamm, button-down shirts and is a member of the Caddyshack Frequent Viewers club, but who amongst us isn’t?
Liar North will be also be a welcome addition to our Masters foursome. After all, we do have to bring a token white guy to be allowed onto the course, just in case Fuzzy Zoeller is working security.
For those of you waiting for one of these three to bail on their ticket, don’t hold your breath on Liar North. His bags are as good as packed.
Suspect # 3: Brotha E
Brotha E is the biggest golfing fan you’ll ever meet. In fact, there are times you’d catch him watching a PGA Tour event over the NFL. I know, totally un-American. He shoots high seventies on the regular, even with a full drink in his hand. E was supposed to attend the Masters with us last time around but could not make it, making him all the more eager for the new and improved 2012 version.
E’s interests include band-wagonning, extra lime in his Jack Daniels, bum-rushing NBA press conferences, badmouthing Florida’s offensive play-calling after disappointing losses and never, not once in his life, paying for a bar tab, all the while making you feel his drinks are something you should be paying for, just for the pleasure of his company.
Brotha E is 99% in for this trip but that 1% resonates hard. He’s backed out before, people, and can be bought.
As you can see, the roadie to Augusta is already in the works even though it’s still seven months away. If any one of you can suggest below why I should boot one of the aforementioned suspects from the occasion, try your luck.
After all, everyone has their price.