SportsChump invades Augusta National: A tradition unlike any other

Good news arrived in the mail today, which was a welcome change from the bills, catalogs and random coupon mailings that usually clutter my mailbox.

A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to score tickets to the Masters through a friend.  For those of you who don’t know, the Masters is as elite a sporting event as there is, a tradition unlike any other, according to Jim Nantz.

You can’t just buy tickets to Augusta National and strut onto the course.  If you’re interested in attending, you have to submit your name into a lottery and, with a whole lotta luck, your name is chosen out of a pool of over what has to be one million golf-thirsty applicants.

Well, this year, my name was chosen, which means come early April, yours truly will be arriving in Augusta in full SportsChump regalia.

I don’t mean to rub it in, but I am currently in possession of four tickets to Wednesday’s Par Three competition.  Now, before you all line up at my doorstep asking to come along for the debaucherous ride, I should inform you that three gentlemen have already been selected to accompany me.  Whether they choose to attend is up to their livers, overall stamina and the willingness of their significant others to sign the hall pass.

These are my running mates, my posse and my brethren and have been for years.  Between the three of them, they have probably consumed more Jack Daniels than the entire population of Lynchburg, Tennessee.  We have been to Las Vegas, the Bahamas and all throughout the southeast to witness the Florida Gators win and lose.

So without further ado, gentlemen, I present to you The Usual Suspects, who have all but committed to descending upon Augusta next year with a bang.  Like any gentleman of low moral fiber, I’m sure any one of these three would be willing to accept a small bribe for you to take his place.

Suspect # 1: The Don Calvino

Simply put, the Don is one of the coolest cats around.  Despite being a Dolphins and Mets fan, he’s actually a nice guy.  Besides, these days, rooting for those shit-ass teams is kind of endearing.

The Don is the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back, and not only because he’s often found dancing to techno music at your local gay bar.

His turn-ons include Captain Kirk, big-screen TVs, the Stray Cats, Grey Goose and Latin American women, not necessarily in that order, although I am pretty sure Captain Kirk does come first on that list.  The Don is the only guy you’ll meet who can throw up on an airplane in broad daylight and still manage to get the digits of the girl next to him who saw him doing so.  Now that’s suave.  The Don Calvino is also the only person I know who requires a “two this” introduction.  These are my friends Dave, Rob, Tom and THIS… this is the Don Calvino.

The Donny C was with me at the Masters last time I was there.  Assuming his travel and work schedules allow, the Don will once again be a welcome contribution to the Augusta crowd.

Suspect # 2: Liar North

Liar North is personally responsible for my first ever Masters visit.  The crackeriest of crackers you’ll ever want to meet, Liar North and I used to date sisters back in the day.  As usual, I was the family favorite.

Liar North has a sense of humor as dry as the Sahara but is bound to keep you in stitches.  As a Carolina Panther fan and Florida alumnus, he’s currently struggling over whether to love or hate Cam Newton.  He’s into NASCAR, Mia Hamm, button-down shirts and is a member of the Caddyshack Frequent Viewers club, but who amongst us isn’t?

Liar North will be also be a welcome addition to our Masters foursome.  After all, we do have to bring a token white guy to be allowed onto the course, just in case Fuzzy Zoeller is working security.

For those of you waiting for one of these three to bail on their ticket, don’t hold your breath on Liar North.  His bags are as good as packed.

Suspect # 3: Brotha E

Brotha E is the biggest golfing fan you’ll ever meet.  In fact, there are times you’d catch him watching a PGA Tour event over the NFL.  I know, totally un-American.  He shoots high seventies on the regular, even with a full drink in his hand.  E was supposed to attend the Masters with us last time around but could not make it, making him all the more eager for the new and improved 2012 version.

E’s interests include band-wagonning, extra lime in his Jack Daniels, bum-rushing NBA press conferences, badmouthing Florida’s offensive play-calling after disappointing losses and never, not once in his life, paying for a bar tab, all the while making you feel his drinks are something you should be paying for, just for the pleasure of his company.

Brotha E is 99% in for this trip but that 1% resonates hard.  He’s backed out before, people, and can be bought.

As you can see, the roadie to Augusta is already in the works even though it’s still seven months away.  If any one of you can suggest below why I should boot one of the aforementioned suspects from the occasion, try your luck.

After all, everyone has their price.

41 thoughts on “SportsChump invades Augusta National: A tradition unlike any other

  1. Sounds like you guys will have a great time. Do us a favor and take plenty of pictures to share and try not to get thrown out:)
    Cheers!

  2. Chris

    When you get there at least sink a few on my behalf and then some !

    My biggest sporting events that I have attended and thoroughly enjoyed have been the F 1 Monaco Grand Prix raced along the streets of Monte Carlo , Monaco . Multi millionaires and billionaires with their yachts in the harbor and bikini clad models on-board plus all the Dom Perignon and beluga caviar you can handle . I didn’t roll like that but I had the privilege of being invited by a bank client at the time ____ while working as an M&A specialist for an int’l investment bank in the UK . The other event …… the sport of kings was the Prix de L’Arc de Triomphe at Longchamp race course outside Paris .(Europe’s biggest horse race event)

    They may well talk about the Daytona 500 and Indianapolis 500 but I can assure you that both pale into comparison when measured against the Monaco Grand Prix !

    Streaming the memorial service of Lee Roy Selmon via the ‘net at present . Great eulogies devoted to a ….. ” truly tremendous human being ” !

    tophatal ……

  3. I figured our Jack Daniels prowess and penchant for gambling would find either me or Nelly on this list. Very disappointing. These fellas better make me proud.

  4. Speaking of Monaco, Al, have you ever been to that Grand Prix event in St. Petersburg?

    I know it’s a far cry but still something I may have to check out next year.

  5. That’s going to be a fun time! Sounds like you got a solid group going. I’m not sure if you were writing about your friends for their match.com profiles then just decided to make a post of it, but well done.

  6. Zbig…

    First of all, we expected you to be PLAYING in next year’s Masters and second, you and I both know Steve would be thrown off that course for public indecency before he even made it on.

    See you at the lot next Saturday.

  7. Man what a motley crew! Okay, here ya go…

    What do Joslyn James, Loredana Joli, Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Holly Sampson, Mindy Lawton, Cori Rist, Jamie Jungers and Kalika Moquin have in common with The Masters Tournament?

    They each received somewhere in the neighborhood of $8 Million from a certain four time Masters champion… It’s called hush money!

    Now if you guys play your cards just right I may help you make that weekend next April VERY memorable! (At least until the hush money plays in!) LOL

  8. I’ve never been to the IRL race in St Pete’ but it probably beats anything that NASCAR stages on the Sprint Cup circuit in terms of competitive racing .

    A Simple But Dangerous Mind ………

    If Tiger’s playing The Masters next year ought we to expect Fuzzy Zoeller to be entertaining us with some of his anecdotes about chitlin’ , barbeque ribs, pork and chicken ? I hear yams go down well with the crowd ?

    Did the Saints’ defense remain at home back in the Crescent City ? Because based on last night’s display I could’ve sworn it was just the offense out there for the New Orleans Saints .

    tophatal ……..

  9. I was up there about 15 years ago. Time to get back. It is the closest thing to heaven on earth that I have ever seen.

    Went during a practice round with a friend of mine and after the golf was finished, we walked down to Amen Corner one more time. We were the only ones down by the eleventh green and the twelth tee. I climbed up on the tee box that was roped off and lined up for a tee shot……very very cool.

  10. Wow, is that all it takes for KP to comment on my site?

    Sir, have you been struck with a hoarse voice lately or just laziness?

    It’s football season, sir. Perhaps we should talk, ahem, podcastiness.

  11. Al…

    I imagine we’ll be getting plenty of southern cookin’ on that trip whether Tiger’s in play or not.

    I didn’t get to watch too much of that Thursday Saints-Pack game because I had to work, but… what’s up with the Rays scheduling a home Sunday afternoon game against the Sox on Bucs opening day?

    Am I not the only one that thinks that’s stupid?

  12. Chris

    When it comes to the sporting landscape of the Tampa area nothing seems to surprise me anymore ! I mean Lee Roy Selmon passes and you’re telling me that there aren’t t enough fans willing to turn up to the ” Ray J” to pay homage to the guy in the Bucs’ home opener much less to pay homage to those who died on 9/11 ?

    You can’t tell me that the ” Glazers” are that cash strapped that they couldn’t have purchased those 7,500 tickets and donated them to the public in order for the game to be a sellout and be broadcast locally instead of being blacked out ?

    This is the one time that the Bucs’ ownership should have stood up and done something decent but instead you get to see ” these buffoons “ for what they really are ! It’s no wonder the idiot politicians within the locale continue to kiss their _ss as they simply don’t know any better !

    tophatal ……

  13. Chris

    I’m rich bi_ch …… so says the Vikings’ Adrian Peterson . See link provided Vikings lock Adrian Peterson into long-term deal

    Zygi Wilf (team owner) won’t shell out any of his money with regard to paying for a new stadium for the organization but he’s quite prepared to the running back a seven figure contract .

    I predicted this in part when I had written the following piece . I Got The Memo But I Think That There’s Been A Misprint !

    tophatal ……………

  14. While I do agree with you, Al, that the Bucs could have picked up the remaining 7500 tickets and given that money to whatever charity Selmon was involved with, I do believe it was more than 7500 that they were short of a sell-out.

    It’s okay, last year prepared me for not watching any Bucs games on television.

    We still have a team, right?

  15. Chris

    We’ve got a VA hospital and MacDill in close proximity to Ray J. . You’re telling me that the Glazers are so damn miserly that they couldn’t have spent $ 250,000 and then donated those tickets to the service personnel and veterans within the locale ?

    I think that Gov Mark Dayton and the state legislature may well be writing a letter to Peterson to see if he can bail out the state as such . They’ve got a $ 5.6 billion deficit there in Minnesota .

    I believe that was the taxpayers with regard to the stadium . What a wondrous display by McNabb in the team’s opener . And people are saying that he can still lead a team to the ” promised land “ ? In what universe will that be taking place in ?

    His (McNabb’s) stats really stand out 7/15 for 39yds , 1 TD, 1INT . Hell not even Kim Kardashian’s a#s even if deflated could be that bad !

    I love that Rick Scott is now floundering in the wind like a sail on a yacht without direction ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! I hear he’ll also be on tap to rub nose / kiss a_s with and off the GOP nominees for the Presidency when the debate takes place tonight in Tampa ?

    Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect $200

    tophatal ……..

  16. Chris

    Do you think that Bush regrets going to Miami after last night’s debacle ? That sucking sound you might’ve heard isn’t Jenna Jameson performing but the Dolphins stinkin’ up the friggin’ joint against the Patriots !

    The New England Patriots allowed Dolphins some garbage pts but Miami won’t be going anywhere this season . The Dolphins’ pass defense is a damn joke !

    Brady wasn’t throwing for yardage but merely for fun !

    Henne isn’t as good as advertized ! Wait for him to buckle under pressure and then you’ll see what he’s actually made of !

    tophatal ……………

  17. Chris

    It’s crazy ! It’s actually been a decade since the death of Aaliyah and fifteen years to the day since Pac’s death ! Raise your glass .

    tophatal ………….

  18. Chris

    So Stern fines MJ (Jordan) $100k for leveling direct criticism at he and the league hierarchy in their handling of the NBA lockout ? I thought that David Stern was only amenable to fining Michael when he was gambling excessively and tarnishing the image of the league ! Did I actually miss something ?

    Jordan fined $100k for labor comments

  19. Al…

    The Fish, as we all knew, are in a lot of trouble.

    The Pats and Jets aren’t going anywhere in the division anytime soon…. and neither are the Dolphins, if you know what I mean.

    Oh, and I’m sure Reggie Bush is doing just fine down in South Beach.

    Remember, he’s already got a college title, Super Bowl ring and Heisman Trophy*. What else does he really have to play for?

  20. And Al, we all know that a hundred grand is only a blackjack hand for Mike.

    While he may be right in his call for revenue sharing, his moves as GM have left a lot to be desired.

  21. Chris

    What MJ is really concerned about has been Stern’s handling of the lockout . And he much like the rest of the NBA team owners have every right to be . The league hierarchy’s handling has been simply to bungle this thing from the start . What Jordan has said is no different from the statements already attributed to the likes of Prokhorov , Cuban and Lacob in private .

    The Bobcats are one of the teams that do have acute financial problems but no more so than the vast majority of the franchises within the NBA . Do you think that the Heat had a successful season by way of their off court dealings ? Never mind the fact that they fell way short of Riley’s , D-Wade and LBJ’s ….. own expectations .

    Speaking of which , Goodell states that the lockout didn’t seriously hurt the NFL as their revenues in terms of corporate sponsorship is up by 15 % . However , that’s not necessarily true as it has come to light that he’s basing his figures on projections based on sponsors still tied to the league as of last year and not those who sought not to renew their contracts .

    So what’s this ’bout Glenn Rice ….. nailin’ ….. Palin while he was a college student and she was a sports’ reporter ? It’s about to be revealed in a book and documentary about her .

    Gives me every reason to now believe when she stated she could Russia from her home she actually meant she saw all “black” ….

    Sarah Palin Had One Night Stand With Glen Rice & Had Fetish For Black Men

    Say it ain’t so ? . Some of the “sistas” ain’t gonna be too happy ’bout this , that’s for sure ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! Here’s me thinking that Bristol Palin was the only freak in that family ! Her (Bristol’s) mama knew how get down with the ####!!! ………….. insert word of your choice .

    tophatal …………..

  22. I wonder how that first conversation went between Palin and Rice ? Being as they were both PG’s and played basketball ….. I can only surmise it may well have went something like this ! ” I’ll show by ball handling skills if you show me yours “ . And obviously Palin obliged Glen Rice . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

  23. Al…

    Jordan doesn’t quite carry the weight he used to. Back in the day, Jordan could pretty much change the course of the league with a single statement. Not so much anymore.

    I have no idea how much Charlotte gained, or likely lost, financially last season, but let’s just say you could hear the squeaks of the players shoes loud and clear withe absence of fans in that building. Did ownership give its fans any reason to root for that team or invest in season tickets?

    I’m wondering if contraction is at all in these NBA labor discussions or lack thereof.

    Oh, and send me the link when the Rice-Palin sex tape comes out.

  24. I see that our boy Barry can’t hid behind this _#ck up in California with that energy company ? Once more $ 500 million of taxpayers’ money that we can never recoup .

    They sank $500 million (half a billion dollars) into a solar energy company that’s less than four years old that’s now declared bankruptcy (chapter 11 ) . There’s not a hope in hell that the government can recoup anything at all !
    The government isn’t meant to be in the venture capitalist business ! But if they want to invest in a business that’s certainly making money then why not the p#rn industry ? Revenues now far outstrip that of ” mainstream Hollywood “ and that of the NFL . ‘nough said !

    For Half A Billion Dollars You Simply Can’t Beat Another F##king Screw Up ……… Business 101 Courtesy of A Now Bankrupt US Government …………

  25. According to Colin Cowherd, Al, Jordan is STILL the most popular athlete in the world. Amazing, huh? But not all that shocking.

    I’m way behind on my reading and am heading up to Gainesville for the weekend to watch the Gators bury the Vols but I’ll catch up soon enough.

  26. Chris

    It’s not a surprise to know that MJ is still beloved by the fans ! Beyond Woods which other US male athlete is known the world over ?

    Besides , Woods’ act of contrition for his sexual proclivities ….. were about as believable as Kim Kardashian suggesting that Kris Humphries is the love of her life ! (The other Humpherys I mean not you LOL,LOL,LOL !!!)

    tophatal ………

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