Chumpservations, Vol. 23: Roadside tapestries, shaving cream and other assorted sundries

I consider myself to be a fairly competent person.  I know my limitations, that there are certain things I can and cannot do.  For example, I can’t hang a ceiling fan.  In fact, I can’t really fix anything.  But I can cook.  I’m an independent thinker.  And I can (sometimes) form a complete sentence.

For the life of me, however, I can’t seem to slip on a t-shirt after putting on deodorant without getting white powdery stripes all along the side of my shirt.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how careful I am, I pull my t-shirt over my head and voila… my shirt smells baby powder fresh.  Can such a simple task really be all that difficult for someone who holds a Master’s degree?  It appears so.

Friends have suggested I put my t-shirt on first and apply the deodorant afterwards, but I refuse to give in.  There has to be a way to properly put a shirt over one’s head without looking like I’ve gone ten rounds with a stick of Ban roll-on.

In the end, I guess it’s a double-edged sword.  When people see me walking down the street in all my Speed Stick glory, they obviously think I’m incapable of properly putting on deodorant… but at least they know I don’t smell.

 

 

I was driving around town the other day when this giant Marilyn Monroe banner caught my eye.  As I approached the larger-than-life Norma Jean, I saw it was actually her likeness on a huge rug, being sold on the side of the road.

I don’t know if you have these things where you live but they are all over the place in Florida: random businesspeople selling tiger-print, leopard-spotted, Aztec-patterned and velvety Elvis carpets right off the side of the highway.  I have no idea how much such room decor costs.  I’ve never bothered to pull over and ask, partially for fear of who I might meet selling these things and partially because I know they might rope me into buying some James Brown rug that would really tie my room together.

It got me wondering though.  Who, in their right mind, would buy a zebra-print rug, unless they were trying to decorate some frat house or brothel?  Who owns these things and how do these businesses possibly survive?  Wouldn’t a good day at the shop be selling just one rug?  I would think in a depressed economy, leopard-print carpets are the first thing to be eliminated from one’s budget.

 

I’m not the hairiest guy around, fortunately.  I only have to shave about every other day.

I’ve used the same shaving cream for years now.  Once I find a product I like, I stick with it to the end.  In this case, that product happens to be Barbasol Soothing Aloe.  That always faithful, striped, aluminum can which only costs about $1.19 at your local supermarket.

Now I’m no scientist.  I have no idea how they compress that much shaving cream into such a little can and make it last forever, but in this day and age, you’d think they’d charge more for a product that lasts a lifetime.  I mean, those rechargeable batteries go for like twenty bucks a pop and they don’t even work!

I can literally go over a year without having to buy another can.  Considering the frequency with which I shave and the technology needed to cram that much shaving cream into one of those cans, you’d think the good people at Barbasol would either raise their prices or eventually go out of business.  Unless of course, they have one of those side-of-the-road tapestry stands to subsidize their shaving cream industry.

22 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 23: Roadside tapestries, shaving cream and other assorted sundries

  1. Perhaps try changing deodorants. I know from personal experience that some of that stuff is down right toxic to clothes. I like Degree myself.
    My cousin bought a rug from one of those roadside guys a couple of years ago. I’ve always wondered what went wrong with him.
    I use Barbasol also. I’m still trying to figure out how to get the perfect amount out of the can with a single push.
    Have a good one Rev. Cheers!

  2. Aer…

    I figured you for an Axe man. Just kidding. I’m a deodorant/anti-perspirant guy (and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I have ever typed ‘anti-perspirant’ because it took me three times to spell it). Baby powder fresh, no musk.

    Does your cousin live in a trailer? Or just in a van down by the river?

    Just a little nudge on the Barbasol can, Aer. Although it doesn’t really matter. Its contents are infinite.

  3. Degree doesn’t leave a stain on your shirt. Also, if you’re truly lame, you might want to put your t shirt on first, then lift up the shirt and apply your stink cure to you pits. Just sayin.

  4. Also, you know that I’m a big shaving guy, what with my face and head, so this may come as a surprise to you but I never use shaving cream. I just use some liquid soap. After all, why would I want to put an opaque substance between my tender skin and a very sharp blade. Haven’t used shaving cream in 25 years and still no nicks.

  5. Like the NBA players, Snake, I just refuse to give in.

    Besides, you know we’re creatures of habit. I’ve been doing it that way for years and will continue to do so.

    So what are you? A Dawn guy? Joy? I’ll let you know when it’s time to shave my head. We’ll have a party for the occasion.

    Oh and by the way, where has Bill Walton been during this whole lockout thing? I thought if anyone would be speaking out on this whole ordeal, you’d think it’d be Bill.

    OHHHHH PLEEEAAAAASE!!!

  6. Hey, its liquid soap for the shower dude. The same stuff I use on my body.

    Ahh, nothing personal, but I’ll take a pass on a shaving party. I don’t roll that way. Call C. Matthews for that. I’m sure he’d like that. lol

    Walton is sitting on my patio smoking some fine weed.

  7. Chris

    French people don’t use deodorant !

    Roadside tapestry ….. Kim Kardashian’s fake marriage and the fact that her and brothel keeping mother will purloin the story even further for monetary gain !

    Ken Whisenhunt and Spagnuolo have wagered with each other which of their 1-6 teams will be first to score when they meet this weekend . Have you watched either the Cardinals or Rams play at all this season ? Personally , I am hoping that there’s a downpour or a far more serious act of nature that’ll postpone the game !

    NBA players are donating their time to worthwhile causes by playing in several charity games around the country . Great , but the prices being charged for these games are on par with , if not above what the fans are use to paying for a regular season game . Fans can’t get a break either way !

    tophatal ………..

  8. Al…

    I heard an interesting interview the other day, it might have been on Sileo’s show.

    It was someone from the new Orlando Arena.

    Apparently they were smart enough to build it into the contract that, even if the Magic don’t play, they still have to pay them.

    Shrewd move.

    No wonder the owners are bitching, he he.

  9. Hmmm maybe Haitian’s over there buy those zebra print rugs. The whole scenario makes me think of the poor fruit vendor on that episode of Dexter…

    Not sure what you can do about that deoderant issue. Maybe try putting your shirt inside out and after your arms and head are through you won’t get deoderant on your clothes!

  10. Chris

    Noted sports consultant and economics and law professor Rick Horrow said it best ” the wheels and tires on the NBA vehicle are flat , they’re on a steep incline and have nowhere to go but down ” !

    The NBA owners are idiots ! So too are the league hierarchy and union !
    It’s plain and simple greed and nothing else concerning all parties involved in this friggin’ mess .

    My latest piece if at all interested ?

    Who’s Your Daddy ?

    tophatal ………

  11. It’s a sad day when the NBA lockout has forced the Chump to resort to a post on deodorant protocol. And even sadder that his loyal readers have left a multitude of helpful hints in this regard!

  12. Chap…

    If I started wearing my clothes inside out, then others would see me do it, recognize how cool it looked, then they’d start doing it, kicking off a whole new inside out trend.

    I don’t think America’s ready for that quite yet. We’re still trying to stop kids from wearing their pants around their ankles… a trend, by the way, which I did not start.

  13. Chris—Long time no post.
    You’re lucky you don’t have to avoid getting make-up on your t-shirt also!
    When my kids were in elementary school, one of their teachers told me she cleaned crayon scribbles on the desks and countertops of her classroom with Barbasol. Scary…

  14. Wait a minute, I think Kris Kross tried to start that back in the day or was that putting clothes on backwards?

    I bet the inside out thing would work better than backwards!

  15. Chap…

    Kris Kross is apparently making a comeback.

    Everyone time one of the DJs in my club goes the old school route, they’ll inevitably play “Jump.”

    In case you missed it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=010KyIQjkTk

    Personally, I’ve always cracked up every time someone tries to make 11 year-olds looking gangsta tough.

    I’m like, are these directors trying to tell me that this pre-teen can kick my ass and is that supposed to make me like their music?

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