Every once in a while, I’ve been known to plop down at a local saloon, watch some random sporting event and text my buddy Croshere (whose secret identity may soon be revealed pending podcast). I’ll giggle and snort out loud, knowing that if I were to pass the phone to the stranger beside me, or even attempt to explain to anyone why I was laughing hysterically while sitting there by myself… well, they just wouldn’t understand.
This past Sunday afternoon was no exception…
Croshere: BCS good last night. I say, Oklahoma beats OSU, Alabama and Oregon win out, BCS has two great teams with a sole loss to the clear number one. Sooo, flip a coin or what? Also, should 66-6 waxing of a team that went into Norman and won 3 weeks ago give OSU a shot at #1?
SportsChump: Also somewhat interesting that no Big 12 Championship Game this year gives OSU one less tripping block if they make it past Oklahoma.
Croshere: True, if they beat Oklahoma though, I’m a believer. They have been impressive.
SC: Let’s hope that happens… or that it doesn’t to destroy the BCS once and for all.
Croshere: Wow, Atlanta goes for it on 4th and 1 on its own 30 in overtime. Kasay wins it on field goal. Totally unimaginative run of the middle on the short yardage play too. What exactly were they thinking?
SC: I love hanging out in bars and hearing the guy next to me come up with educated statements like “Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league.” Suddenly, I’m enlightened. That’s why we need a podcast, to educate the less fortunate… and make fun of them at the same time.
Croshere: He should do a Blaine Gabbert stat comparison and realize there are some pretty good things going on south of Lambeau.
SC: Side question: Will Aaron Rodgers jerseys ever become as popular in Las Vegas sportsbooks as Favre jerseys once were, if even out of spite. Like, I’m not really an Aaron Rodgers fan, but I hate Favre so I’m just wearing this to make a statement. There sure has been a lot of Gabbert conversation from you lately. Is he reaching Steve Guttenberg mancrush status? Quite an accomplishment for a rookie. Can’t wait for impending bitterness after sophomore slump.
Croshere: I believe we have reached a point where we must ask… has a quarterback ever had a better calendar year? Super Bowl MVP, highest QB rating in history (129.1) and stat of the year, ready? Leads league in yards per completion (9.88) and completion percentage (72.1).
SC: So this guy orders drinks and food from the bar wearing a zebra vest, plaid pants, hat and pony tail. The bartender says “Oh, you’re in the band” and gives him a discount. I’m thinking about buying some leather pants, perhaps a spiked bracelet and piercing my nose just to get free food ‘round town.
Croshere: Mohawk? Flock of Seagulls?
SC: Not much hair so I may have to go Midnight Oil with maybe a head tattoo. I could always buy a hat to cover up for important business meetings.
Croshere: Three words… MEN AT WORKAH
SC: Which way would you play a “Tim Tebow will win an NFL MVP award at one point in his career” at 1000:1?
Croshere: Lemme check my 401K, get back to you.
SC: You forget who’s on his side… and it ain’t John Elway. God is a wiseguy.
Croshere: Trivia from last night. Who beat Elway out for Heisman in 1982? (I got it) NO CHECKING PHONE, that shit has ruined trivia goddamn!
SC: I’m old school, no internet on my phone. No hints? And I’m assuming Tim Tebow is not the answer.
Croshere: May be SEC
SC: Is Herschel too obvious (uninformed) of a guess? That reminds me, I need to do some push-ups.
Croshere: Your personal pectoral definition aside, that is the correct answer… ding ding ding ding!
SC: Making switch from beer to liquor always a crucial question. There’s nothing like nailing the proper timing.
Croshere: Made the Bloody Mary switch to beer like three hours ago. I think I scored, timing was awesome… going the other way a little more challenging.
SC: Switch to jack and coke official. By the way, scallop ceviche and grilled ahi tuna burger were delicious. May opt out of the push-ups since I ate so healthy. I’d like to thank the hint-giver, but then again, isn’t the answer to any Heisman question either Herschel or Archie Griffin? Ron Daynnnnneee-AAHHHHHH!!!
Croshere: You had me at scallop ceviche… where does Andre Ware figure into all of this?
SC: There are some horribly inconsistent teams in the NFL this year. Thank goodness for the Eagles, who are consistently a disappointment. Oh yea, Chargers too. Good topic of discussion: most undeserving Heisman winners. Would require research, particularly with NFL HOFers or higher draft picks sitting in front row only getting minimal share of votes.
Croshere: Sitting here with Chris Weinke and Gino Torretta covering up my ‘text trail.’
SC: Tell Eric Crouch I said hello. In their defense, I would have to say leading their team to an eventual national championship would eliminate them from least deserving Heisman winner contention, even if they were on stout teams. On second thought, I retract that statement.
Croshere: Gino says hello.
SC: By the way, how’s the achiles and the hernia? Your best years are behind you, sir. But I did recently tell the story of how you blocked Nykesha Sales’s shot and took Dr. J to the hole at the RDV complex, so you have that going for you… which is nice. We all have our stories.
Croshere: Just wish you wouldn’t have taken away the “we all have our stories” line. I got nothing. My bartender did just say “However you can getterdone, getterone”… which is nice.
SC: I’m thinking fried clams for dessert. To hell with sit-ups. I’ll settle for Heisman runner-up. Those guys always had more success anyway. EMMITT SMITH-AAHHH!!
Croshere: I don’t think Manning is holding a grudge against Woodson at all. Fried clams sound great, may get wingies here at Dreamers.
SC: Best rookie coaching performance in NFL history to Harbaugh? Suddenly giving up on Luck doesn’t seem like such a bad move. After all, Alex Smith is now his quarterback. And opting for gator tail over clam strips in honor of Emmitt/Tebow/Alex Smith (Urban Meyer) references.
Croshere: Well, that OR San Fran comes up with blockbuster trade to get first pick. Dreamers doesn’t have gator tail… fuck me, wings it is. Those gator strips sound so good, fuck me running.
SC: Order Buckeyes. It’s only appropriate since both our teams suck this year. At least our programs aren’t under investigation for unspeakable things. Cheers! Some woman just walked into the bar wearing a wig, too much make-up and a sparkly jacket with smiley faces all over it, said it was hippie day at her church. Rock on! I didn’t ask her how she felt about Men At Work or whether Tim Tebow was there. What would Ty Detmer do? And ‘Fuck me runnin’ is dangerously close to ‘git her done.’ Might be time for both of us to change venues.
Croshere: Good points all around. You, her and Rashan Salaam should go get some gator strips and just relax.
SC: Think about it. Of all sporting related events in the world, isn’t the Heisman induction the thing you’d LEAST like to attend, all Archie Griffin references aside? I think I’d rather a solid night of jai-alai wagering. Plus you don’t have to wear a tie.
Croshere: Gonna disagree. When Troy and Eddie won it, I had to lie and say I had cut onions earlier that day. Great event.
SC: Homer. Okay, Heisman ceremony or pre-2008 Michael Vick dog-fighting event? And they’re serving hors d’ouevres.
Croshere: And the winner… from the University of Florida… TIM TEBOW! If there are no goosebumps there, I don’t know you. Admit it, you’re wrong on this one, dude.
SC: Heisman ceremony or current NBA lockout proceedings, just so you can say fellas, what the fuck? Speaking of, shouldn’t they put those proceedings on NBA TV, Court TV or Pay-Per-View? Call Bill Walton. And you get goosebumps from Guttenburg. What’s your point? Frank Gore: six rushes, zero yards. Al Gore: invented the internet. Which Gore accomplishment is more surprising? And how many Dolphins fans are pissed Andrew Luck won’t be their quarterback?
Croshere: Does Indy take Luck? How many years does Manning have left? You could create a MONSTER, best young quarterback tutored by one of the best ever… thoughts?
SC: Recent poll on SportsChump (you’re not reading) was whether Peyton retires a Colt. Best answer was yes [from Snake] because his career is already over. HAPPY FEET! By the way, Gator tail was scrumptious. GIT HER DONE!! On that note, sir. This conversation will likely end up on the internet. Al Gore would be proud. I’m gonna go find that disco church lady and extrapolate the virtues of winning the Heisman Trophy, or maybe just spill some Jack Daniels on her. Let’s talk podcast. At least my mom and your mom will be listening. And that’s a good thing.
Croshere: For sure, Weezie would have a lot to say.
SC: Send ‘em all my love from the long, lost Groucutt brother.