SportsChump not so proudly presents the Danica Patrick Chart of Ever-Increasing Annoyance
March 5th, 2012 by Chris Humpherys
Some people just drive me batty. I like to consider myself a pretty patient person but as I get a little longer in the tooth, I’m finding out there’s a lot more crap I won’t tolerate… and a lot of people that just annoy me.
As a result, I have invented a system to help quantify the extent to which others grate our nerves. I like to call it the Danica Patrick Chart of Ever-Increasing Annoyance. For example, as you’ll soon read, someone can simply be Calipari-annoying, or to a much greater extent, Kevin Hart-annoying, depending on how long you can stand to be in their presence.
Feel free to add any characters to this list I’ve forgotten.
1 – Not really annoying at all, only sort of – Coack K-Annoying
I actually happen to be a fan of Mike Kzryzewski. How can one not be? In this day and age of coaches doing the unthinkable, i.e., recruiting violations, investment scandals, pedophilia, Coach K has (fortunately) done none of the above. He built a nothing program into a consistent national powerhouse. At only 65, he’s already the winningest men’s basketball coach in history… and is still racking up victories. But you have to think that hanging around him for hours on end might get a touch tiresome, going to bed early, getting a good night’s rest, cracking lame jokes around the fireplace over a snifter of brandy. Or maybe he’d just piss you off because he’s better at what he does than you’ll ever be at anything.
2- Slightly more annoying but still bearable – LeBron James-annoying
I stopped feeling sorry for millionaires a long time ago but if I did have to feel sorry for one, it might just be LeBron James. He’s probably the most likeable athlete around if he’d just stop saying and doing things that irritate us. The poor guy has yet to find an identity he’s comfortable with. First he’s a nice guy, then he’s the villain, then he seeks our forgiveness. Even after a year and a half, his “taking his talents to South Beach” faux pas is still the talk of the NBA. Maybe once LeBron wins his first ring (which he will, trust me!), he’ll finally be able to add some closure and a little definition to his life. At that point, we’ll find out whether he moves up or down on our scale of annoyance.
3 – Starting to become annoying – Kobe Bryant-annoying
Seeing Kobe’s name on this chart will probably come as a surprise to many but think about it… is there a professional athlete these days more smug than Kobe Bryant? Look, I get it. He’s one of the NBA’s elder statesmen. He’s the league’s leading active scorer and is pressing MichaeI to become one the most-ring-possessingest players in the modern game, but where is it written that such a player has to set new levels for dickishness and pomposity. Kobe’s new Nike commercials portray him as more successful than Tony Robbins, who teaches people to be successful for a living, and the Virgin Atlantic guy who has basically accomplished every feat known to man. The irony of those commercials is that Kobe will never be as successful as another Nike spokesperson whose legacy he’s been chasing ever since he came into the league.
4 – About to kick it up a notch annoying – John Calipari-annoying
You know certain coaches or players have been around too long when they start giving canned, insincere answers that fit nicely into one little sound-bite. I know the media likes this but the educated listener can’t possibly. Take a closer listen to John Calipari the next time he’s being interviewed. He’s become the master of the sports cliché. His formulaic responses are becoming more and more contrived, as if he’s rehearsed them in front of a mirror beforehand. Just imagine how much worse he’ll get if/when he finally wins a national championship at Kentucky. We may have to rename this chart when that happens.
5 – Okay, now we’re getting pretty annoying – Floyd Mayweather, Jr.-annoying
Let me get this straight. There’s a sporting event that would raise enough money to end world hunger and we’re NOT going to have it? That makes perfect sense. A big reason behind this idiocy is that Floyd Mayweather, Jr., who by the way has been sentenced to 90 days jail time for domestic violence, is demanding more of a purse than his opponent, Manny Pacquiao. Never mind the fact that Pacquiao’s probably the bigger draw… and doesn’t have a criminal record. The next person to have any sort of sense in professional boxing will be the first, but don’t expect that to be Mayweather. Hopefully, his incarceration will knock a little sense into him… and a little annoyingness out.
6 – The every time I see your face I want to cringe annoying – Bud Selig-annoying
Bud Selig is that itch square in the middle of your back that you just can’t reach. He’s that unbearable, unpoppable, unhealable zit you get right before prom. As soon as we all thought we were rid of him for good, Major League Baseball extended his contract. At this point, if you could guarantee me we’d get this guy out of office before he turns 100, I’d take it just to be assured it would eventually happen. His mishandling of the entire steroid scandal, from Barry to Braun, will forever taint his legacy, proving he continues to have no idea how to clean up his sport, as if adding a few more games to the post-season will make us all forget any of this ever happened. Do you realize this guy has been baseball’s commissioner since 1992?!? Isn’t it time for a change? A refreshing face? Someone who can once again make fans proud to say baseball is our national pastime.
7 – Drone techno beat aunce aunce annoying – DJ Steve Porter-annoying
Have you ever been out at a club until close only because a friend of yours, who’s becoming increasingly wasted, wants one last stab at the remaining three girls at the bar? The techno beats are becoming progressively more annoying and your need for ibuprofen increases with every BPM. Well, lucky for you, you can now hear those same beats in the comfort of your own home, every other SportsCenter. Whether it’s Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin, the NFL Playoffs or whatever happens to be the hottest thing in sports at the time, it never fails. DJ Steve Porter flips his baseball cap on backwards, steps up to his ones and twos, finds some short video clips of whichever sports figure he happens to be cashing in on, and remixes some tinny, techno-beats over the top of them. At first, it was unique. But after his eleven millionth video, all which pretty much sound the same, let’s just say I’m over it. And you should be too.
8 – Please for the love of God please just shut up already annoying – Kevin Hart-annoying
I don’t know how many of you caught Kevin Hart at the NBA Celebrity All-Star Game but I can’t imagine I was the only one who turned my head, cringing every time Kevin Hart would act a fool. Look, more power to anyone that can make a living by ensuring his mouth never stops moving, but goodness. Watching that event, which I soon turned off BECAUSE of him, I couldn’t help but hope someone bigger than him, which was pretty much everyone on the court since he stands about five feet tall, would knock him on his ass. But of course, someone would pretend to, probably secretly wanting to, then Hart would run away, put on a goofy face and find another celebrity to pester. No wonder Ron Artest and Jermaine O’Neal aren’t allowed to play in this thing. Perhaps we should allow them to next time Hart is in the event. Now that’d be a melee worth watching.
9 – Slowly eroding the overall intelligence of our society as a whole annoying – The cast of ESPN’s First Take-annoying
You all know my schedule by now. Work all night, sleep all day. I keep my television, my little babysitter, on in the background. It gives me something to fall asleep to. That is, of course, until First Take comes on the air. I have literally had this program on the lowest possible volume setting and STILL had to turn it down because talking heads like Skip Bayless, Michael Smith and Stephen A. Smith feel the need to shout over the top of one another to get their points across. I have officially stopped watching this program entirely. Riddle me this. Since when did debate become one person shouting over the other until each segment becomes noise? If I wanted non-stop arguing, I’d get a girlfriend. What’s the point of even having Dana Jacobson and Jay Crawford there as moderators if they can’t control these guys? Perhaps they should just give each host a cattle-prod to use on the panelists when they reach unacceptable decibel levels. Then I’d tune back in.
10 – Please shoot me now annoying – Danica Patrick-annoying
I’m not sure there’s a sports superstar out there right now more annoying than Danica Patrick. In that sense, she’s my imperfect ten. I get it. She’s a reasonably attractive female trying to make it in a male-dominated sport. But her sound-bites are trite and lame. Her voice is fingernails-on-the-chalkboard irritating. I can’t hit the mute button on my remote control quickly enough before my ears start bleeding, and to make matters worse, I can’t ever find a channel she’s not on. She’s Indy, she’s NASCAR, she’s Indy, she’s NASCAR. When’s the last time you remember so many interviews with a sporting event’s LAST PLACE CONTESTANT? In fact, at the Daytona 500, Patrick finished behind Juan Pablo Montoya who crashed into a damn gas truck and she was interviewed more than the guy who won the actual race! It’s gotten to the point where I pray she doesn’t crash, finish first or last. I just keep hoping for her to finish in the middle of the pack, consistently, around 15th to 20th every race. That way maybe she’ll just disappear and her fifteen minutes will be up once and for all.