Two great quarterbacking minds plot to rid the world of Tim Tebow: Another work of complete and total fiction

“Peeeeeeyton!”

“Johnnnnnny!!!  Or should I say… boss?”

The two Hall of Fame quarterbacks embraced then sat down to dinner to finalize their plot to rid Denver of a quarterback who had become inexplicably more popular than them.

The waiter at Shula’s steakhouse prepped the dinner table around them, his hands shaking nervously as he refilled their water glasses.

Both legends waited for the server to leave the room before engaging in any conversation about the franchise, both of them experienced enough to know that when discussing such matters, you never can be too safe.

“So tell me, Peyton” began the suited Elway as he leaned back in his velvet-coated dinner chair and confidently placed a napkin on his lap, “what’s everyone else in the league offering you?  Because you know I can beat it.”

“You mean aside from the usual, John?” Manning responded in his lisp-laden southern drawl.  “They’re offering me the whole nine yards… but you know it takes ten for a first down.”   This was Peyton’s feeble attempt at humor.  The lights in the dining room created a surreal reflection of Elway’s teeth shimmering dimly off Peyton’s forehead.

Even the air in the room was nervous.  After all, these two men accounted for over 100,000 career passing yards.

“But, you know we have a problem, right?” asked Peyton, shifting uncomfortably in his chair and finally exposing the 800-lb., bible-thumping gorilla in the room.

“Listen, Peyton.  You’re our guy, and Tebow’s already been, ahem… taken care of.”

“Taken care of?” asked Peyton, shifting his right hand into the form of a pistol and putting it to his head.

“Peyton, don’t be silly,” Elway reassured.  “Let’s just say he won’t be a problem anymore, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s good, boss, ‘cause you know where that little fucker went to school.  Man, I simply cannot stand those Gators!”  Peyton’s forehead throbbed suddenly, turning tomato red as he reminisced over his college losses to Florida.  He’s surprised a tic didn’t develop.

“Peyton, I got this.  So tell me.  How’s the neck?” inquired Elway as one who had just dumped his life savings into a single investment would ask of his stockbroker.   “You know I stuck out my… ahem… neck for you on this one” quipped Elway, and another sorry attempt at humor.  Most comedians would be asnooze in their company.

Peyton responded resentfully “Top notch, boss,” still unsure himself, yet he managed a smile by picturing a dejected Tebow packing a suitcase.

“Well, this is your home now, son.  Breathe in the fresh, mountain air.  Waiter!  More Coors Lights for me and my new helmsmen!  It does a body good.  And uh listen,” Elway turned his attention back to Peyton and whispered, “Don’t worry about that whole Eli thing.  By the time you’re done here in Denver, you’ll have more rings than your little brother.  If not, I’ll give you my two.”  Elway winked.

“That’s a mighty fine gesture there, boss, but I’d rather earn it,” answered Peyton.  He sipped from his beer.  “And not to beat a dead Bronco but, you’re sure Tebow’s gone, right?”

“Peyton, Peeeyton, not to worry.”  Elway raised his glass, encouraging his newest, prized possession to raise his in return, which he did reluctantly.  “Here’s to a fabulous career in Denver, healthy and worry-free.”

Peyton clinked his bottleneck against Elway’s and they drank.

And somewhere Tim Tebow plotted his revenge.

48 thoughts on “Two great quarterbacking minds plot to rid the world of Tim Tebow: Another work of complete and total fiction

  1. Pingback: Two great quarterbacking minds plot to rid the world of Tim Tebow: Another work of complete and total fiction - BallHyped, NFL | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Chris… Have I got a conspiracy for you!

    Recall if you will all the near misses Elway and the Broncos suffered through… All the chances at a ring that literally blew up in their faces (blow out losses to several NFC champions). What changed? How did the Broncos, late in Elway’s career, pull off back to back SB championships? How?

    Elway sold his soul to the devil!

    Fast forward a few years, Elway takes over a Broncos team with a biblical like figure at QB! Reenter the devil who told him he’d give his soul back if Elway took down the young Christian QB! What a deal!

    And so it is said and so it is done…

  3. My favorite part:
    “Listen, Peyton. You’re our guy, and Tebow’s already been, ahem… taken care of.”

    “Taken care of?” asked Peyton, shifting his right hand into the form of a pistol and putting it to his head.

    “Peyton, don’t be silly,” Elway reassured. “Let’s just say he won’t be a problem anymore, if you know what I mean.”

    “That’s good, boss, ‘cause you know where that little fucker went to school.

  4. Excellent! Funny!! And prolly not too far off from reality in some respects, given that our boy TRT is on the block already. Damn the torpedoes, I hope he lands in Jax. Betcha PM had milk in that bottle, tho. 🙂 One of your best ever, bra.

  5. Exactly, Yaz.

    That’s pretty much how I imagine it all went down. I even thought about calling it my Fly on the Wall series.

    Except, of course, for the fact this is a work of pure fiction.

    Just thought I’d mention that again before Peyton’s or Johnny’s attorneys confused me for that shivering waiter.

  6. “The lights in the dining room created a surreal reflection of Elway’s teeth shimmering dimly off Peyton’s forehead.”
    Now that my friend is funny, thanks for the grin brother.

  7. I really don’t get the Broncos position on this. Keep him as a backup or anything. But why send him off to NY where he will probably dominates short yardage situations and will be a huge asset for Sparano’s offense.

    This situation is a bit perplexing and I doubt Broncos fans will forget about it anytime soon.

  8. Hysterical!

    Well done SC.

    Hope yr off the bench soon & can be back in-the-game tomorrow.
    M

  9. I’ve heard some Bay Area media say that the 49ers should’ve brought in Young and Montana to the meeting. I wonder if that would’ve made a difference, because clearly if he wanted a championship, the Niners were the best fit…

  10. DHS…

    My guess is the Broncos couldn’t keep him as a backup because they’re already revamping their offense again back to suit Manning, after they already did so for Tebow.

    They probably want a back-up more suited to Manning’s style of play so they don’t have to toss the playbook out with the bathwater if Peyton goes down.

  11. Chap…

    The fly on the wall overheard Peyton say AFC only.

    But you’re right. You’d have to think the Niners division is a little easier than the Broncos.

  12. Ya’ know what’s even funnier, Dub?

    Nobody ever wants to say a mean thing about Tebow, other than the fact that he can’t throw.

    It’s always, oh he’s the nicest guy ever or, he’d be the kind of kid I’d want my daughter to marry or, I’m a better person for having met him.

    It’s never, I HATE that friggin’ guy. What a jerk.

  13. I wonder how intellectual the conversation will be in that Jets’ locker room will be between Sanchez and Tebow ? Sanchez will harp on about his love Broadway musicals and Tebow will talk about Christ knows what .

    Didn’t Jets’ player Antonio Cromartie suggest that Tebow wasn’t needed there ?

    Jets’ Cromartie: ‘We don’t need Tebow’

    The New York Jets announced Wednesday that they have acquired Tim Tebow from the Denver Broncos, but how the move is perceived in the fractured Jets locker room remains to be seen.

    Cornerback Antonio Cromartie took to Twitter Tuesday when reports began surfacing that the Jets had an interest in Tebow.

    “We don’t need Tebow,” Cromartie wrote. “We sell out every home game. Let him go to Jacksonville, Tampa or Miami.”

    As reports intensified, so did Cromartie’s belief the Jets did not need him.

    “Y bring Tebow in when we need to bring in more Weapons for @Mark_Sanchez let’s build the team around him. We already signed to 3 year [extension],” Cromartie wrote Wednesday before news of the Tebow trade broke.

    ————————————————————————————————–

    Click on link to read in full .
    ===========================================

  14. The absolute worst part of this whole ordeal? Tebow goes to the J-E-T-S!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! The only team in the league that could possibly break up my man crush on Tebow!

    Timmy, you’re dead to me! Dead to me!

  15. This is great Chris!! Humorous times ten. They got rid of Tebow for the meantime, but somewhere, the almighty Tebow is smiling down at them…

  16. Chris,

    Get outta So.Fla and out to Hollywood. Script writers needed.

    Can you see the circus developing in NY with Tebow a possiblity there? Sanchise is so insecure he might need weekly visits with Dr.Jennifer Melphi to be able to perform. How ’bout Ryan busting into the lockerroom after a bitter defeat and interrupting a TT prayer session with a few ‘F’ bombs. LMFAO

  17. I feel that getting rid of Tebow was probably something that Peyton wanted to be done when he was negotiating his contract. There are crazy Tebow fans out there think that he is the best QB in the NFL who would’ve pushed for him to be the starter the entire season, and I wouldn’t want to deal with that if I was going to a new team. This season is gonna suck for Mark Sanchez.

  18. Great Stuff Triple SC! We Gator fans all know Peyton never beat the Gators! Great stuff!

    Remember I made up new song lyrics to Neal Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” AS “Sweet Valentine” when Bobby was announced as Red Sox manager? Surely I shared that with you…Anyway, I’m at it again, but this time using Elton Johns “Bennie and the Jets” AS “Timmy and the Jets”…. Although I’m working on it in pencil because I’d rather sing “Timmy and the Jags”…I’m humming…and humming-yep, sounds good.

  19. Ah man, I hit submit too soon….was gonna end saying that I know Timmy and the Jags won’t be it. Being the Karaoke King you are….I bet I have you humming this tune right now, too? Huh? C’mon, tell the truth! ha ha ha
    Have a good day- Dee Dee

  20. Al…

    And so the circus starts, as if the Jets locker room wasn’t already enough of one.

    That’s okay. All Cromartie needs to do is actually meet Tebow. Then all will be forgiven.

  21. Han…

    Again, if Tebow’s that positive of an influence on us, he’ll have you wearing a Jets jersey in no time.

    Seriously, though, what’s it going to take to break this guy? I mean, if the New York media can’t do it, then what can?

  22. Ronbets…

    With the amount of crap that’s being put out now, you’d think Hollywood would salivate over even a somewhat reasonable script.

    I’ll get to working on it.

    And not only will Tebow get Rexy to stop cursing, he’ll probably get him to drop some lbs. too.

    The foot fetish, however, will remain intact.

  23. Dee Dee…

    You may want to check that above link. I may have put that up before you started subscribing. A pisser for sure.

    And I’ve got another buddy penning a similar Elton John tune. I may have to put your heads together.

  24. I now think John Elway brought Peyton Manning to Denver to solve one problem and create one opportunity. 1) He was so jealous of Tim Tebow he hated him and wanted him out…so he had to bring in a “bigger name.” 2) He knows “bigger name” will get hurt in Week One or decide he can’t play anymore, cash out his coupons…and Elway will then rip off his dress suit to reveal underneath he is dressed in his football uni and ready to play in Week Two. Best way to engineer his comeback plan!

  25. Elway playing, SA?

    I hear he’s been a beast in the weight room lately.

    It’ll definitely be interesting to see how this season shakes out although to be honest, I don’t expect much out of either team.

  26. Chris

    Before the meeting ‘tween Cromartie and Tebow . I believe the Jets’ CB has another court date because of failure to pay child support . Eight kids and five baby mamas . I know in the bible it said go forth and procreate but AC seems intent on having his lil’ Cromarties to add to the mix .

    Some great games in the tournament last night and there’s more as of today and tomorrow .

    Baylor v .. Kentucky …. who you going with ?

    And I know you’ll be throwing your weight behind the Gators against Louisville !

    tophatal ……

  27. Al…

    With all the troubles that locker room had last season, adding Tebow should be an interesting dynamic. No task too large, I guess.

    And believe it or not, Al. I’m still alive in all my pools. Need Ohio State and Florida today in the worst way, not to mention the fact that it’s my alma mater.

  28. Despite their recent success under Woodson, Al, the Knicks are still in that eight hole, which means drawing Chicago in that opening round.

    They’re five games behind Atlanta for that six spot, which I don’t see them making up.

    So it’ll be either Chicago or Miami for the Knicks.

    Oh well, Linsantiy was fun while it lasted.

  29. Thanks Florida for failing to show up in the second half of the game against Louisville ! What is it with teams within the state ? They’ve a tendency to choke and swallow almost as much as Jenna Jameson . Not that I’m against Jenna either choking or swallowing mind you .

    Tiger wins , Tiger wins . And here’s me thinking that Charlie Sheen had just “nailed” another po-n star ? Woods is now back to his winning ways. Look out Augusta because The Masters is about to get mighty interesting in more ways than one !

    Did the Rays get shellacked 19-4 in a game ? And did you hear the asinine excuse given by Friedman concerning Rays’ pitcher Matt Bush and the fact that he’d just been involved in his seventh alcohol related incident . This was his fourth DUI in the last 30 months and this time he hit a motorcyclist and then fled the scene of the accident . They (Rays) knew the kid had issues with alcohol had him attending rehab sessions but even then it hadn’t sunk in with Bush . Now Friedman is talking as if he should wait until all the facts are known . WTF ! The victim is in a hospital lying in a medically induced coma . What else is there that needs to be known ? It seems the Rays still haven’t learned _#ck all after their experiences with Josh Hamilton . The teams within the game shouldn’t be obligated to help the players when their choice is to abuse either drugs or alcohol no matter who they happen to be ! This all comes down to the idiocy of the league hierarchy and the fact that the union (MLBPA) uses its influence in so many scurrilous ways rather than doing something from their own side .

    If the victim’s family should choose to come after the Rays in a civil suit they’d be within their rights to do so .

    tophatal ……..

  30. The one thing you can count on with the Knicks , Lin still remains a turnover machine and Spike Lee will continue to make an #ss of himself while in attendance at the Garden . The world doesn’t want to rid itself of Tim Tebow but the tabloids are flabbergasted that there doesn’t happen to be a sex tape out there with the QB doin’ the deed with a nubile young female . What gives ?

    tophatal ……..

  31. Who’s doing the PR for the Rays at present ? God knows they need someone to advise the idiots within the front office how to answer a question with a degree of common sense rather than having Friedman or Sternberg make complete as##s of themselves . This Matt Bush thing is about to drag them down once again .

  32. Again, Al, we can talk about the Gators at a later date. The wound is still fresh and I just put up a little textual healing about it. Let’s hope it helps.

    I’m not sure how much credence to put into the Rays pre-season, not that I’ve been paying all that much attention, but I do know they’ve won only one home game.

  33. Al…

    The Rays pre-season record (7-14, second to last in the Grapefruit League) can’t have too many fans excited about the upcoming season, despite the fact that a few pundits placed them number one in their power rankings.

    The Rays should be fine but another season of the team batting in the two-twenties will eventually wear on us all.

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