Croshere and SportsChump talk bloody marys, Pulp Fiction references, Jesse Jackson impressions, shoestring french fries and the highs and lows of March Madness

As most of you regular readers know, every so often, I’ll check in with Croshere, my Las Vegas correspondent.  During Saturday’s Florida and Ohio State games, I donned my Gator jersey and sat nervously on my sofa while the scarlet and gray-clad Croshere dined in a sports book 2,500 miles away, both of us watching games that would result in one man’s joy and another one’s sorrow.

The texting frenzy began an hour before game time…

SportsChump: Whatever you drank, whatever you ate, whatever you wore the days UF and Ohio State won their previous games, today, do the exact… same… thing.

Croshere:  Shoestring friessssah!!!  Okay, so I go into the sportsbook, see a guy in a Buckeye hat and shirt and feel it’s okay to tap him on the shoulder, give him a fist bump and say “Let’s Do It, Bucs!”  All good, backatcha, now… he proceeds to tell me he teased Syracuse because he thought that was the smart bet… the what?  I just showed a lot of restraint.

SportsChump: Funny you should mention that.  My boy here teases basketball all the time.  Needless to say, he doesn’t go to the window much.  Brush it off, play some viddy poker and have another bloody… and hurry!

Croshere:  Done!  Aaron Craft’s quick hands and rosy cheeks are gonna be cuttin’ nets today…. That was so gay and I don’t care at all.

SportsChump:  I prefer Rosie Perez to rosy cheeks but I see your point.  I’ll take foods that start with the letter Q for a thousand please.

Croshere:  Ok, so my bets have been going well with the exception of the Xavier mistake.  Bucks-Gators two-teamer.  Good or bad?

SportsChump:  Your call on that one, bro.  Victories in and of themselves would be rewarding enough, although to be perfectly honest, I do like the play.  Both small lines, right?

Croshere:  Yeah.  Bucks minus three, Gators minus one-and-a half.  I like it objectively (like that’s possible).  Fuck it.  You want $20?

SportsChump:  Sure, you convinced me.

Croshere:  Got the cash now (as Croshere hits a straight flush on video poker)

SportsChump:  Nice fucking hit!  Just makes your cheeks all rosy, doesn’t it?  Right now, Billy D is coaching ‘em up, giving our boys the inspirational talk of a lifetime… or something like that.

Croshere: Thad Matta says every young man reaches a fork in the road where he decides if he’s a winner… that was actually me but I like where it was going.

SportsChump:  Well, you two are both inspirational leaders and you do a pretty good Jesse Jackson impression even though you mean for it to sound like Charles Barkley.

Croshere:  You say Barkley, I say the Reverend Jesse Jackson.  Let’s call the whole thing off.

SportsChump: Unbearable stat of the day.  Billy Donovan has never beaten a Rick Pitino coached team.  Should I slit my wrists now or later?

Croshere:  All I want for Christmas are my two power forwards and my civil rights leaders, my two power forwards and my civil rights leaders.  Put down the blade, sir.

SportsChump: If you like the full court press, methinks you’ll like this game.  Can I get an over/under on ten second violations?

Croshere: Okay, so a guy sits down and asks me if there is basketball today.  I’m tryin’ really hard, Ringo.  I’m tryin’ real hard… HE is the weak…..

SportsChump: He probably went to Michigan.  I need a drink to settle the nerves.

Croshere: Trust me, it helps.

SportsChump: Do you think they have a tomato juice delivery service?

Croshere: If they don’t, I am moving to Tampa and we are balllin’.  Every millionaire had that type of vision.  Well, I guess a few got degrees but most of them thought of something like tomato juice delivery.  Okay, went moneyline on both, $20 comes back $38, let’s do it.  Handle your bizz, dog, let’s go!

SportsChump: Okay, Ketel bloody complete with celery salt, tabasco, worcestershire sauce and creole seasoning rim…. Check!  Gator jersey… Check!  Rick Pitino voodoo doll… Check!  Game face… Check!  Okay, I’m ready.  Let’s do this!  My man-crush on Bradley Beal borders on the unhealthy. Only a freshman, he’s way too young for me.  Have I mentioned I like 7-0 starts?  Whoops, 7-5 not so much.

Croshere:  Well, ok then, let’s keep the score out of today’s remaining texts…. Shoestring friessssah!

SportsChump:  Ball movement and easy baskets are your friends.

Croshere:  He he, you said ball movement.

SportsChump:  Patric Young.  A poor man’s Dwight Howard.  Discuss.

Croshere:  Speaking of ball movement, your Beal crush won’t feel any less gay next year.  Take it from Aaron Craft’s sugar daddy.

SportsChump: (after Kenny Boynton hits a three) I believe it was De La Soul who said three is the magic number.

Croshere:  Ahhh yeahhh! !!  Let’s get it rollin’.  No one I’d rather be in the Final Four with!

SportsChump:  Gators shooting 70% from the floor.  That’s a very respectable neighborhood.

Croshere:  They may be rivaling Croshere’s Orlando YMCA numbers at this point.

SportsChump:  Minus the gratuitous marijuana consumption, a crucial component to your game back then.

Croshere: We all have our stories.

SportsChump:  I’ll take up by the ocho at the halfo.

Croshere:  I am ordering my burger now.

SportsChump:  Side of friiiiesah!  Rick Pitino just said of the Gators “We haven’t seen too many teams like this.”

Croshere:  Turf Grill karma not working… this is a tasty burger.

SportsChump:  I’m feeling a little giddy.  I won’t lie.

Croshere:  Focus!

SportsChump:  We’re getting favorable calls on fouls and inbounding.  Four Gators in double digits scoring, none yet for Louisville.  A stat I can live with.  Gators very patient offensively.

Croshere:  They are playing well, keep it up.

(Louisville chips into, then takes the lead)

SportsChump:  My kingdom for some overtime!

Croshere:  Jesus Christ, I don’t need this before my game, pick it up, damnit!

(Gators lose)

Croshere: Well, fuck a duck.

(Ohio State game starts)

SportsChump:  Can I stop watching now?  I know this is no time for negativity but… I keep replaying that Bradley Beal steal and subsequent turnover in my head in slow motion, hoping the refs wouldn’t see it when all along… It was Louisville ball.  I hate this game.

Croshere:  Are you serious?  What does that have to do with us?  Come on, man!

Dejected SportsChump:  Please take a page out of the Billy Donovan No Lead Is Safe mantra when approaching these Finals.

Croshere:  Breathe, breathe.

(After Ohio State victory)

SportsChump: I do believe congratulations are in order, sir.  At least one of our teams doesn’t suck.

(The aftermath the following day)

Croshere: Kinda have insomnia which I think I can attribute to tourney.  I think late night turf burger with shoestring French fries sounds good.

SportsChump:  Why break tradition?

Croshere:  Why ask why indeed.  Thousand island dressing?  Yes.  Swiss cheese?  Yes.  Tomatoes?  Yes.  Onions?  Yes.  Do you need to ask about the pickles?

SportsChump:  FYI… I have your Bucks winning it all in one of my pay pools which means money for daddy if you hit, not that your pure pride and joy in winning a championship wouldn’t be payment enough.

Croshere:  Yeah, I truly need no more incentive for sure.  I will be really sick of Turf Burgers by the time we cut the nets next Monday.

SportsChump:  Actually, that will likely be the best turf burger of the bunch.  Just go for some blood thinner on Tuesday.  What’s the line in that Louisville game?  Nice moneyline?

Croshere:  Didn’t check.  I don’t see it.  Gonna be a showdown between us and the Cats, I’m thinking.  I plan to watch that and have a turf burger with thousand island dressing, swiss cheese, tomatoes, onions and pickles.  Gonna go with the shoestring fries too.

SportsChump: If it’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 24 hours, it’s not to count out Pitino (that fuck).  Beating UK would be bigger than winning a title for them.  If they’re coming back at anything over +400, I might be interested.

Croshere:  Don’t think it’s that high, do feel you, however.  May go in with you on that.  I could bet it while I am waiting for them to cook my turf burger with thousand island dressing, onions, tomatoes, pickles (wait for it)… shoestring fries.

And so it goes, one man’s sorrow is another man’s gain… and likely increased cholesterol level as well.  Congratulations to the fans of each school that made the Final Four.  Best of luck the rest of the way out.  In a sportsbook somewhere, Croshere will be eating a turf burger with shoestring fries and all the accoutrements.  And for the Florida Gators, after a successful season depending on how you slice it, it’s back to the drawing board.

Ugh!

24 thoughts on “Croshere and SportsChump talk bloody marys, Pulp Fiction references, Jesse Jackson impressions, shoestring french fries and the highs and lows of March Madness

  1. Pingback: Croshere and SportsChump talk bloody marys, Pulp Fiction references, Jesse Jackson impressions, shoestring french fries and the highs and lows of March Madness - BallHyped, NCAA Basketball | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. I, too, have da Bucks cuttin’ down nets in a money pool, so here’s hopin’ for some comfort for us after that awful, painful g8r game.

  3. William B….

    First of all, let me tell you that I feel your pain… and then some.

    Not to mention the fact that I had UNC in the final game, with potential pool money on it, the Gators simply collapsed…. inexplicably, or explicably… I just don’t feel like getting into it now. Call it denial.

    There’s no doubt the loss of Kendall Marshall cost your Heels, at least a chance to handle a pretty decent Kansas team. Either way, now they’re Ohio State’s problem.

    It’s not something anyone could have expected but… it happens.

    And now we wait.

  4. Hey Rev, I feel your pain brother but look at it this way, it saves us the heartbreak of watching our Gators lose to Kentucky (yuck) again.
    There’s always next year. Go Gators!

  5. Great, great post… sad outcome to our game.

    And while I always really admire your choice of graphics SC… the Gator pillow & bloody mary is GREAT!! hee hee 🙂

    You two guys are hysterical. Now THAT’S the(internet) radio show! I’m sure Turftburger would sponsor it.

    Love the post, hate the loss … it’s been hell in my household too listening to all the post-game grumblings.

    Just feel lucky to have had that 2007 Gator dream-team. That’s what’s hard to beat.
    M

  6. M….

    Thought you might like that pillow photo. A San Carlos original.

    Yea, tough pill to swallow in that loss. I was hoping putting this down on paper (online) would provide some sort of closure but there’s still that bad taste in my mouth and it’s not from spoiled tomato juice.

    Fuckin’ Gators.

  7. I believe I ate an unusually large amount of steak fries in those two years the Gators won back-to-back titles. Yes, I’m sure of it. STEAK fries. Make that adjustment at your end accordingly heading into next season and all should be well. You have to admit after the way the campaign was going for the Gators it was great to see them extend their year this far. They didn’t have a FF team but were so close to being one nonetheless. Small consolation I know, but at least you know if you commit to eating a lot of steak fries it will probably ensure FLA winning it all a year from now. Place your bets…

  8. SA…

    I’ll place my bets, and orders, properly.

    If Beal comes back to play another season, the Gators should have a top five team. The only senior on that team was Erving Walker, which means they’ll have to switch either Beal or Boyton over to point guard.

    Should be fun to watch, again, if they all stay.

  9. That Dodgers’ deal is a mess as owners are now questioning the tv deal that McCourt negotiated and its legality altogether . See my piece on it all .

  10. Aaron Craft and Ohio St. is going to have their hands full with Kansas’ guard play. Taylor usually doesn’t blow up like he did the last game, but if he repeats that performance again, Kansas will be going to National Championship.

  11. Chris

    Magic and his wife Cookie must be now sending out numerous begging letters to their high profiled celebrity friends . His (Magic’s) $750 million fortune must pale into insignificance when measured against that of his partners from the consortium of Guggenheim Partners LLC . Let me get this straight , Frank McCourt still owns the ” rights” with regard to the parking at Dodgers’ Stadium ? What a##hole drew up that deal ?

    $2 billion , that’s the figure ” two ” and nine zeroes after it ? Wow what saw that coming ? So by all estimations the Dodgers are said to be worth that much . So that must now make the Yankees either “chopped liver” or worth some infinitesimal figure that doesn’t bear thinking about . Care to guess what that might be ?

    Dwight sat on the bench as the Magic put up another insipid display last night . I might’ve known he’s about to ” do a Goodell “ and change his mind ’bout staying in O-town !

    tophatal ………..

  12. Chris

    Any chance that Pitino will introduce Karen Cunagin-Sypher (his “piece” that he “nailed “ in the restroom of a Louisville restaurant that led to the trial) to Calipari prior to Saturday’s game ? Perhaps she could even perform with both or separately ? Your thoughts ? Or has Lewinsky patented ….. “doin’ Monica ” ?

    tophatal ……….

  13. Think so, huh, BS?

    I don’t really have a feel for that game but I’m pulling for the Bucs since I still have them alive in one of my pay pools, plus I told Croshere I’d do so.

    Kansas is a funny squad, huh?

    When everyone expects them to be dominant, they underachieve. When nobody expects anything out of them, they make the Final Four.

  14. Al…

    Funny you should mention that.

    Pitino was on PTI the other night and was asked whether he liked living in Louisville or Lexington better.

    He said Louisville was a much more laid back town when it comes to basketball and that he could go out to dinner without getting mobbed.

    Well, you can imagine where my mind immediately wanted.

    Tiramisu, anyone?

  15. That interview conducted by Jim Rome with both Calipari and Pitino shed light on the relationship between the two and so called tepid convenience that’s said to exist . Perhaps a threesome with Ms Cunagin-Sypher could actually be something that would be mutually beneficial for all don’t you think ? So two more players on the Wildcats’ roster have declared for the NBA Draft ? Ooh we ! Do we really need to be concerned at all ?

    I mean it makes about as much sense as booster Nevin Shapiro stating that his paying money to current and former Canes’ basketball and football players was simply a joke . Your thoughts ? And oh the concern of NCAA President Mark Emmert and his idiocy still knows no bounds . He calls for the NCAA to be proactive but yet when it comes to schools who transgress their rules he treats them with “kid gloves” . WTF is that about ?

    tophatal ……….

  16. The Pitino-Calipari dynamic is pretty interesting, Al.

    That will all change if Kentucky wins a championship this year.

    However, if they lose to Pitino and Louisville, it’ll be magnified tenfold in a game Cardinals fans will likely never forget.

  17. Chris

    I think if Cal’s win he may well be on his way to the Big Apple to take the Knicks’ position. It’s been rumored that owner James Dolan is intent on making a play fo the Wildcats’ coach . They’re talking of an $8-$10million a year salary for a contract covering a 5 year period . The Wilcats I don’t believe can match that but who knows ? Interested in that possible vacancy ?

    BTW what the hell happened with the Heat and Magic this past weekend ? Still convinced about that Heat team and its so called pedigree ? At least with that Bulls’ loss to the Thunder they were without Derrick Rose . Not so with the Heat as they had their Big Three playing against the Celtics.

    tophatal ……….

  18. The one and done syndrome will come into play once this national championship game has a finality to it in terms of the result . Both teams will probably have a combined 6-8 players declare their eligibility for the <a href="http://nba.com/draft/NBA Draft .

    Spent the weekend in Key Biscayne for the tennis tournament … Sony Ericsson Open . Djokovic blew Roddick off the court without breaking a sweat . I’m putting money on him (Djokovic) to win the French and Wimbledon before coming to Flushing for the US Open !

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