Abraham Lincoln the What?

In an office tucked away somewhere in Hollywood, California, someone decided that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was a good idea for a film. So much for me complaining about the lack of original screenplays coming out of La La Land, for if nothing else, penciling in the former president as a vampire slayer is original.

I couldn’t help but think, however, of other screenplays featuring our sixteenth president in action that were turned down.

So here goes nothing…

 

In the Kitchen with Abraham Lincoln

 

Abe Ventura: Pet Detective

 

Abraham Lincoln: American Gigolo

 

Abraham Lincoln: Unplugged

 

Abraham Lincoln: Dance Instructor

 

Abraham Lincoln: Fluffer, the Early Years

 

Abe the Bounty Hunter

 

Abraham Lincoln: Licensed Massage Therapist

 

Abraham Lincoln: Wedding Crasher

 

Abraham Lincoln: Horse Whisperer

 

Abraham Lincoln and the Technicolor Dream Coat

 

Abraham Lincoln: Bigger, Louder and Uncut

 

Abraham Lincoln vs. Predator

 

Beavis, Butthead and Abraham Lincoln

 

Abraham Lincoln Sings Songs of Love

 

Abraham Lincoln: Special Victims Unit

 

Abraham Lincoln Goes to Rio

 

A Fistful of Abraham Lincoln

 

The Real Housewives of Abraham Lincoln

41 thoughts on “Abraham Lincoln the What?

  1. Pingback: Abraham Lincoln the What? - BallHyped, Straight Ballin Blog | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. I just finished reading a book that was made into a movie a couple years ago that old Abe would have been perfect for.
    The book was about a defense attorney that drove around L.A. in a town car.
    It was titled “The Lincoln Lawyer”.

  3. Absolutely hysterical SC!
    Great freaking graphics …. tooooo funny!
    Great job. Fun post.
    M

  4. Good call, Aer.

    I saw that. Wasn’t actually half bad considering Matthew McConaughey was in it.

    “YES, HE DESERVED TO DIE… AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL!”

  5. I’m not sure I get our whole fascination with zombies, Dwin.

    I mean, every zombie movie that’s ever been made has been pretty much the same thing. They try to eat us, we shoot them. Talk about script dullness.

    So a guy ate another guy’s face. Cracked out beyond belief is not the same as being a zombie.

    Either way, at least we now have Abraham Lincoln to protect us.

  6. *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
    Error. Alert. Wrong.
    Sorry Chris, this movie looks awesome. The book was very good. You should read it before judging. I’m excited for it; if I get the CL review, be sure to read it.
    -KT
    p.s. Beavis, Butthead and Abraham Lincoln would be awesome.

  7. KT…

    I’m not judging at all, man. Like I said, just poking a little fun.

    Just seems to me that Abraham Lincoln hunting vampires is a little far-fetched.

    But I guess that’s why I tend bar and photoshop for a living and S. Graham-Smith is making tour stops.

    Enjoy the flick. I’ll wait for the DVD.

    And if Joe B. sends you on assignment, be sure to send me the link.

  8. Lost cause, KT?

    I was merely expressing myself through Photoshop.

    Little did I know it would awaken the Dungeons & Dragons/Harry Potter crowd.

    Oooooh, that’s a burn!

  9. “In The Kitchen” was not only your lead-off option but my personal favorite. There are any number of “expert chefs” I would love to see Abe have on as guests…only to see him go all Slayer on them and carve the frauds up like the holiday hams they come across as. As for the “South Park”-related screenplay, even Abraham Lincoln in full Slayer-mode could never kill Kenny…for keeps.

  10. This whole Abe Lincoln thing sounds very derivative of my idea to remake the movie Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo starring Grover Cleveland, who in the movie would become the first president to Pop N’ Lock on two non-consecutive occasions.

  11. Al…

    I thought it was George Washington who chopped down the cherry tree. Abe was busy killing vampires. You’re getting your American history all mixed up.

    And I don’t know why all the people at ESPN think there’s going to be a bidding war for Ochocinco. What for?

  12. Bourbon goes better with everything, KT.

    I’ll tell you what.

    Next season, land us some good tickets, a little XO Club and you and Corcoran can try and turn me into a hockey fan. Consider me a project.

    And here’s hoping the Lightning are able to land a goalie in the off-season that’ll make them somewhat competitive.

  13. SA…

    Both good points.

    Personally, I’d love Abe to go all hand ax on most of the reality television stars we have today.

    Now THAT’D be a movie I’d pay to see.

  14. Dub…

    Believe it or not, I think I actually saw that in the movie theater.

    Not the Grover Cleveland one, the real one.

    Never dressed like that though.

    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  15. I first saw the preview for this thing in the theatre when I saw Act of Valor. The whole crowed laughed out loud thinking it was a joke.

    Whoever greenlighted this piece of stir-fried crap should be shot repeatedly with pennies from a slingshot until Abe’s sillouette is imprinted on every inch of their faces.

    What’s next, George Washington Communist Revolutionary?

  16. Holy crap man you’re still pretty funny! You forgot “Silence of the Abes” but other than that it’s covered…plus ditto on your comments for Bleed. Oh and whats up??

  17. Wow, look what came out of the wood work. That’s a good sign. That means we must be getting closer to football season.

    Or better yet, Nice, how about Rise of the Planet of the Abes, where scientists perform drug testing on former presidents to find a cure only to have them all go crazy and terrorize the planet.

    I just love this brainstorming.

  18. Oh thats a good one..not much sense in wasting research $$ to find out what we all already know…politicians are all closely related to Lindsey Lohan at a molecular level. And ya damn skippy looking forward to season #1 under that coach that shall remain nameless.

  19. Say what you will sir I know your dosage of prozac went up when that news came down…regardless its all good if sloppy seconds = championships. Speaking of sloppy seconds what ever happened to my boy Balzac?

  20. It’s not Prozac I was taking, Nice, but healthy doses of bourbon, vodka followed up by plenty of cursing.

    And Balzac is still among the living, chilling in marital bliss outside of Atlanta, Georgia.

    I’ll send him your regards… and a Zima.

  21. Classic man…zima, your memory is better than expected…increase your bourbon consumption. I’ll be around more (Rev does cart-wheels)since I quit selling crack.
    -Nice

  22. Well, Mr. Nice, if you’re feeling really motivated, I’d love to have you write a guest piece every now and again.

    I’ve already alienated most of my regular readers so I figure a little gas face can’t hurt, right?

    Let me know.

  23. Well that sounds like fun, although I am more than a little rusty. I am finishing a big project at the moment and then vacation early July, but after that a little pre-season scribing could be in order.

  24. I know this is a three year old article, but ironically enough, this underrated animated sitcom called “The Critic”, starring Jon Lovitz, actually did a brief film clip within one episode titled “Abe Lincoln, Pet Detective.”

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