A fair trade: Me for Dwight and Dwight for me

It appears life is not without a sense of irony.

As an Orlando Magic fan and sports blogger (of the year, mind you), I’ve written my fair share of articles about Dwight Howard, 38 to be exact.  That’s probably more than your average Orlando Sentinel beat writer.

Well, some news came down the pipe this week that made me chuckle and, if nothing else, bring my article count to 39.

I’m being traded for Dwight Howard.

Like I said, irony.

Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste.  My name is Chris Humpherys.  And thanks to my namesake, I’m getting a lot more attention these days.  No, I’m not Kris Humphries, the journeyman, NBA power forward who has played for four, and now quite possibly his fifth, team in nine seasons.  Not the Kris Humphries who was taken in and then spit out by Bruce Jenner and a handful of Kardashians.  I’m Chris Humpherys bartender/sports blogger/ overall troublemaker and I live in Tampa, Florida, potentially only an hour drive from my namesake’s future home.

In the NBA pecking order of things, Humphries, or me, or even a Humphries/Humpherys package deal for Dwight Howard is (surprisingly) not a fair trade.  A reported two other players, three more draft picks and a brand new kitchen sink (in which the Kardashians do NOT do dishes) would be included in the proposed deal.  They might even need a third team to make all the numbers match.  But the move would be beneficial for all parties.

For Humphries, it means getting as far away from the Kardashians as possible.  Don’t worry about pop-ins, Kris.  The Jenners can’t possibly vacation in Orlando, that’d be so bourgeois.  And the trade will certainly be good for Magic fans, who will finally be able to put the demands, the lack of leadership and Dwight’s career 2,361 missed free throws behind them.

Don’t get me wrong.  Rebuilding in Orlando is going to suck worse than I-4 rush hour traffic, but at least now, we have the closure we’ve been looking for.  Dwight can hang with future running mates Deron Williams and Joe Johnson and perhaps even cut a hip-hop track with Jay-Z.  Yeah, I’m out that Brooklyn.   And Kris and I, well, we can just kick back in the tax-free, Florida sunshine, thinking about break-ups and a Dwight-free future.

Best of luck to you, big guy, but now we have a new big man to cheer on, someone who could probably use a little love at this point, and who might even be appreciative of it in return.

After all, that’s what we cats named Chris Humpherys do.

37 thoughts on “A fair trade: Me for Dwight and Dwight for me

  1. Pingback: A fair trade: Me for Dwight and Dwight for me - BallHyped, NBA | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Hey Chris (brother) look at it on the BRIGHTside ,you may be able to get in the games for free. Hey dude thats is my younger brother dude can you his with a K mine with C.

  3. When Bakserfield gets a basketball team, then we can have a Dwight Howard for Dwight Yoakam trade…

  4. Dub…

    That’s not dyslexia, that’s one too many cold beers on the 4th.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Happy 4th, brother.

  5. Compared to Dwight Howard, Lebron James actually looks intelligent and compassionate.

  6. A mind is such a terrible thing to waste and Dwight Howard is proving to be a considerable waste of talent !

    He’s become a self absorbed infantile a#shole !
    I remember a time when you fawned over him like a love sick puppy . Now your feelings towards him are undeniable . If you remember I told a while back that Dwight Howard lacked a great deal in maturity , character and integrity .

    Much of that came to the fore after the birth of his son and his denial that he was indeed the father as he tried to portray himself an upstanding Christian and human being . One paternity test proved what a dumb f@ck he was to begin with !

    tophatal …………………

  7. Al…

    I don’t know about fawning, but as a Magic fan, I was certainly happy to have him on my team. Better than the alternative. His game was flawed in a number of respects but he’s still the best big man in a game that doesn’t have any.

    His immaturity showed through in the end though. I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad guy, just pouty. He made that situation in Orlando way worse than it needed to be.

    Would I like a happy Dwight on the Magic? Sure. But it’s clear an unhappy Dwight is what we got.

    I can’t say I wish him ill will in his future endeavors. But if he goes elsewhere and fails to win a championship there, let’s just say I won’t feel all that bad either.

  8. With the Lakers getting Nash, hopefully that will convince Dwight to sign an extension with the hopes of winning a championship next season and possibly the one after that. Even if Nash and Kobe are old, the Lakers are almost never not in the playoffs, the same can’t be said for the Nets. Teaming up with Deron Williams would be best for him, but it might not lead to championships if the supporting cast isn’t right.

  9. Dwight will never possess the finesse of Hakeem and to me that is the standard against which all big men should be adjudged over the past two decades , and that’s with due respect to Shaq !

    Eric Gordon is worth 4 yrs and $58 million ? What ?

    Nash becomes a Laker but the team with him as a member will not be good enough to usurp either the Spurs or the Thunder .

    The only reason why Dwight’s unhappy is because he’s become a spoiled and immature bas#ard ! He lacks integrity and the prerequisite leadership skills to take a team to the next level . All these fans see , is a player whose game as of late has become inconsistent and nowhere near what it should be . But then again the credentials of the centers in the league today is at an all-time low . They’re really bad and there’s no denying that fact at all !

    Left you a comment on my latest NBA piece .

    Goodell is still proving to be a pompous as#hole ! He suggest he’s following the “rule of law” but has no wish to make the evidence in the league’s possession as it relates to the four suspended players at the center of the Saints’ scandal .

    The Rays are repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot and it is definitely hurting their chances in the AL East and quite possibly for a wildcard berth .

    tophatal ……….

  10. Petulance is not an excuse for being either an idiot or an arrogant self absorbed a#s . And it is clear that is how Dwight Howard has to be viewed . Consider the money he’s earned since his entry in the NBA and that of his reputation ? Never mind the fact this idiot tried to suggest he was a person of high moral standing . He impregnates a female , then suggests that he’s not the father even after the DNA proved positive that he had father a son . What does that tell you about Dwight Howard ? And please don’t platitudes ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    tophatal ..

  11. I was thinking about that when I heard the Nash deal went through, JM.

    He may have one or two seasons of quality hoops left in him, and Kobe can certainly swallow up some of those PG minutes, but what this deal, along with the potential pick up of Grant Hill, shows is that the Lakers, as always, are looking to build a winner.

    The Nets and D-Will might be a better long-term deal but in the short team, to win now, I’d Nash is a happy camper, as is Kobe, and Lakers fans everywhere.

    I’m just psyched to see them play.

  12. Chris

    Kobe at best, . has one or perhaps two more seasons left as a player . Once he departs the Lakers will definitely be on downward spiral into obscurity . Bynum isn’t a leader as he doesn’t possess the mindset to be a leader and neither does anyone else on the roster , other than Bryant , himself .

  13. Al…

    My top five centers of all-time, in no particular order, are Wilt, Russell, Kareem, Hakeem and Shaq. Dwight won’t crack that list no matter what.

    And Gordon got how much? I’m guessing he can thank his agent for that lump sum.

    I like the Nash deal, man. I’m just hoping Brown pulls a page out of Doc Rivers playbook on how to play vets during a long 82-game season.

  14. So how many kids does Dwight have now, Al?

    To be perfectly honest, I don’t care who he impregnates on his own time as long as he’s taking care of his responsibilities, and that’s both on and off the floor.

  15. Al…

    Don’t forget about Chicago, who most thought would be able to best Miami, and of course the Heat, the ultimate league champions.

    One through eight, the East might not be all that, but in the end, they rose the trophy.

  16. Ultimately, Al, the Lakers are going to have to prepare for life after Kobe, but they obviously still think, and maybe rightfully so, that they can still win it all.

    That might not be far from the truth. We’ll find out next June.

  17. Chris

    The addition of Nash puts the Lakers into the mix but with Grant Hill and what he brings to the table . Well it speaks for itself in so many ways .

    Eric Gordon’s agent is owed big time because how many players do you know with less than marginal talent can get paid like that ?

    With regard to Dwight that was his initial problem not wanting to take care of his responsibilities . Royce Reed (his baby’s mama ) who’s now on that eponymous VH1 reality show said all along that Howard’s character “was chameleon like” to begin with. All of this horse#hit about him coming from a Christian background and being educated in faith based parochial institution meant nothing . He dropped his “seed” having done the deed ….. and then e suggests that the kid wasn’t his . Microcosm of the lame as#ed athlete who thinks that he can essentially get away with anything .

    Howard has been disingenuous and his actions will lead to the Magic being mundane and mediocre this upcoming season once they jettison his a#s . Not only that but the value of the franchise will most certainly depreciate .

    Buddy Dyer must feel like a real #ick committing public funds to the Magic’s venue . It’ll be put to good use but not with the franchise as the main attraction .

    Central Florida’s politicians are so dumb and way too frigging naive !

    Way to go Rays add one more to the loss column . At present there isn’t enough Band Aid to cover up the gaping holes with the Rays .

    tophatal …………

  18. I don’t know how many kids Dwight Howard has, but when it comes to NBA centers and sex, he has certainly surpassed the legendary Wilt Chamberlain. Just think of how many people in the Orlando area that’s he’s fucked (over).

  19. How anyone actually kicked LeBron James off the most hated/reviled/despised man in the NBA perch is beyond my comprehension, but congrats to Dwight Howard for achieving that “honor.” I don’t perceive he will ever be happy no matter what gold-plated road he finally wanders down. Moe Howard > Dwight Howard. What a Stooge.

  20. With Nash, Al, I can easily see that Lakers team winning 50 games next season. But we both know it’s not how many they win in the regular season, it’s how they’re clicking come playoff time that matters.

    At least whoever replaces Dwight in that lineup will be playing in a nice new, Orlando arena.

    And the Rays will need to bounce back quickly as they have a four-game stand in Cleveland in a division which they’re 4-12.

  21. Al…

    That Eagle, Colorado incident wasn’t something the Lakers were necessarily prepared for. Either way, they, and he, bounced back from it pretty successfully.

    I’m just saying, do they have a four-year plan or will they cross that bridge when they come to it?

  22. Snake….

    I’m waiting any day for the news that he’s gone.

    I would imagine it’s probably better to get it all out of the way before the season starts.

    But it’s not like they’ve fast-tracked it yet.

  23. Well said, SA.

    It’s times like these where I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the GM’s offices that are trying to trade, and trade for, Dwight.

  24. Woa, for a minute there, I thought Dwight Howard actually went somewhere. I was about to go crazy! I know the Lakers just entered the fold, but gut tells us that Big Dwight might just land in Brooklyn.

  25. Nothing like a little shock value, huh, BS?

    If I had to lay some odds, with absolutely no insider trading whatsoever, I’d say Dwight to Brooklyn -350, to L.A. +220, stays in Orlando at +450 and Houston +2000.

    But hey, what do I know. I just want it to happen already.

  26. Royce Reed Dwight’s ex love interest who now appears on a VH1 reality show quipped that D-How could handle a ball under a basket but when it came to handling his manhood duties in the bedroom he was lacking .

    One kid was all that D How has , and thankfully that’s enough . Because I’d hate to think that he would deny owning up to being the father of other kids he has brought into the world . I mean look at Lamar Odom ? He and his “skank wife” want kids but his a#s has been living a lie as it relates to the kids he’s fathered .

    Four year plan for most players in the NBA …… is to ” make that cheddar baby ” after having signed that initial three year contract .

    Garnett in terms NBA (not including endorsements) career earnings has earned more than any other player in history .

  27. Hey Chris

    Your namesake (Kris Humheries) in the NBA just got some chic pregnant . I guess his lil’ “swimmers” just needed the right fertile channel to swim upstream in . So what does that say about his 72 day tryst with Kim Kardashian ? I hope Kanye West is frequently layin’ the wood to Kim K for his sake .

  28. I’m gonna have to rely on you for all my reality TV-housewife news, Al, because there’s no way I’m gonna waste my time watching that stuff. I can come up with far more enjoyable ways to lose brain cells.

    Interesting. I did not know that about Garnett but I guess that makes sense. He is the big ticket after all. Just out of curiosity, who did Garnett surpass?

    And yes, I’m going to be a daddy. I’m very excited… NOT! Hope he doesn’t ask me to babysit.

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