Chumpservations, Vol. 27: Radio Shack emails, cows eating chickens, divorce attorneys and why it’s still not safe to go back in the water

Shacked up

I guess because of that one time I went to Radio Shack a year and a half ago, to purchase a $1.79 fuse that I later returned, I still receive their weekly barrage of emails.  As you probably know, Radio Shack asks you for your phone number, e-mail address, and first born child every time you walk in the store to buy a 9-volt.  As a result, their emails now bypass my spam filter.

This one e-mail I got from them lately asked me to vote for some science project a few geeks built in their spare time.  The ad read, if I vote, I could win a $1000 gift certificate to Radio Shack.

My immediate thought was… what the fuck in Radio Shack is worth $1000?  Am I suddenly going to find the need for eight miles of speaker wire?  Fuses for life, perhaps?

Or maybe I could just buy the entire store and then pester my customers for their e-mail addresses every time they come in to buy a remote control car for their nephew.

Moo!

So my mom sends me another promotional email the other day, saying that on July 13, if you went to Chick-Fil-A dressed as a cow, you ate for free.

I’m like, who has a spare cow suit lying around and furthermore, who would go through the trouble to get one just for a free sandwich?  Wouldn’t renting a cow costume cost around 50 bucks, far more than those delicious Chick-Fil-A sandwiches that are only like $3.79?

I’m sure some starving college student somewhere across America has some spotted, cow outfit and was counting down the days before he could stuff his face for free.  It’s enough to make someone camp outside their local Chick-Fil-A to video the freak show that shows up for free food Friday… and also partake in some of their tasty waffle fries to boot.

A Clean Break

As most of you already know, thanks to my namesake’s temporary marriage to Kim Kardashian, SportsChump is in tune with all things Hollywood, however, even I’m surprised that it took only two weeks for the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes divorce to become official.

I’ve known separations that have lasted for a decade, but not Tom and Katie’s.  Like a band-aid.  Right off!

Perhaps we should contract out their attorneys to settle any future labor disputes in professional sports.  Apparently these guys understand how to effectively divvy up a big enough pie.

That Takes Balls

Men may never go swimming again.  Or at least I may not, without a cup.

Opposing Views recently reported that a (stop reading now, gentlemen) testicle-eating fish was found in Litchfield, Illinois.

Um… what?!?

I used to have a college friend that lived in Panama as a kid.  He told me he would never pee in the ocean because there were fish down there that would swim up to you and um… well, let’s just say, exact a little sushi retribution for their fallen brethren.

Since I live in Florida, and regularly swim in the Gulf amid unseen sharks, crabs and devil rays, I’m always cautious about objects that swim around me while I’m wading.  I understand I’m on their turf and try to be very respectful of it.

Now, back to the ball-eating fish.  Apparently, two men were found dead thanks to the Pacu, soon to be a movie starring Keanu Reeves and Samuel L. Jackson.  I can see the tagline now.  Something like “Have A Ball!”

All I’m saying is this.  I’m suddenly afraid to go back in the water.  I’m even afraid to take a bath now for fear what may sneak out of the faucet.  So if you step to me soon and sense a faint smell of body odor, please understand it’s only because I care for my private parts.

36 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 27: Radio Shack emails, cows eating chickens, divorce attorneys and why it’s still not safe to go back in the water

  1. Pingback: Chumpservations, Vol. 27: Radio Shack emails, cows eating chickens, divorce attorneys and why it’s still not safe to go back in the water - BallHyped, Straight Ballin Blog | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Chris

    Two businesses that seem to be in poor shape and that for the moment are poorly ran …….. Radio Shack and Best Buy . When it comes to Customer Service also , some of the pimply faced sales associates are about as adept with the technology as a virgin learning how to use a vibrator for the first time .

    How nice is it for the Glazers to have two of the top 50 most valuable professional sports’ franchises in the world ? Question is , will it be , Man Utd or the Bucs who have the most success this upcoming season ? Your thoughts ? I’ll give it the EPL team , hands down !

    Courtesy of Forbes.com

    Manchester United Tops The World’s 50 Most Valuable Sports Teams

    Manchester United lost the Premier League title on the last day of the season in heartbreaking fashion, when rival Manchester City scored a last-minute goal to defeat Queens Park Rangers and clinch its first title ever in May. Man City’s win prevented Manchester United from winning a second straight Premier League title–and record 20th overall–disappointing the team’s 659 million fans around the world.

    The Red Devils still lay claim to another title, though: The world’s most valuable sports team. Forbes estimates Manchester United is now worth $2.23 billion, 19% more than No. 2 Real Madrid, which is worth $1.88 billion.

    ===============================

    Click on link to read in full .

    =================================

    So investing in a professional sports’ franchise could be the way to go then ? A high-profiled sports’ franchise that is a publicly listed company or on that’s in need of capital infusion . How much are you willing to drop on the Rays ? I am sure that ‘Stewie’ Sternberg would be appreciative . The Rays at present need all the help they can get both on an off the field of play .

    Bucs are 29th on the list with Man Utd topping all of the franchises . That’s close $3 billion alone if not more based on Forbes’ valued estimations .

    So now I find out that Team USA / Basketball has scheduled GB on their pre -Olympic games to be played (7/19/2012) ? So when did my home country become the “new poster child ” for absurdity and ineptitude in a sport we’re as competent in , as Bristol Palin would be, in doing several multiple scenes for a p#rn movie ? Don’t answer that , leave me with some dignity please ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! .

    The only guy I know on the UK team is Luol Deng . Jesus !

    tophatal …………

  3. Katie Holmes got paid bro ! Lil’ Suri won’t be found wanting for anything .

    Are you offering odds on who’ll be Mrs Cruise #4 ( Mimi Rogers , Nicole Kidman and Holmes) ?

    Testicle eating fish ? So that’s what allows Michael Phelps and some-time training partner Ryan Lochte to swim so f##king fast ? Mama Phelps, as part of her son’s training regimen throws in a couple of those “bad boys” into the pool. It’s got nothing at all to do with those obnoxious Subway ads . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

  4. Chris

    In your honest opinion what chances do you believe baseball has in making a return to the Olympics ? Selig is said to be considering petitioning the IOC Executive Committee but he doesn’t have the backing of the game’s international governing body (IFAB) . That comes about because Selig wants to set his own guidelines as to testing and that’s not going to “fly with the IOC .

    Unless the IFAB and MLB hierarchy reach a realistic compromise then the game won’t have a chance of making a return to 2016 or 2020 Summer Olympics .

    The only international competition there is beyond the World Baseball Classic (next scheduled for 2013) are that of the World Championships but that’s geared at amateur level collegiate players .

    Selig screwed up when his dumb a#s decided not to back the play of the IFAB and adopt the testing protocols of WADA , which essentially led to the sport as well as softball being dropped from the Summer Olympics . It had nothing at all to do with the declining popularity or lack of competition .

    tophatal …………..

  5. Chris

    Road trip to Miami ? Are you now willing to become a Heat fan ?

    See link provided .

    Sara Jay & Angelino Castro Promise Oral Sex to any devoted Miami Heat fan

    Sara Jay and Angelino Castro promise to make it worth every male fans’ dream worthwhile .

    That’s dedication on Sara and Angelina’s part . Both were at the Miami Heat’s official celebration party . I guess a number of the Heat players were given ” a Monica ” per gratis (free) ? Now it’s the fans’ turn . The event will be taking place this weekend . I might just have to clear my schedule and tell the girlfriend that I’m heading down South to see a couple of friends . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    tophatal ……………….

  6. Al…

    The service at pretty much any Radio Shack is the worst. They normally only staff one or two people all day, meaning if they get a crowd, they’re ill-prepared for it, probably because they’re taking so much time asking customers for their personal information. And don’t forget Circuit City, which went out of business altogether.

    Bucs are 29th on the list of most valuable franchises in the world? Has the person who made that list see them play of late?

    And we get to play the Brits, Al? I’m calling that point spread at 70. It’s okay, you can root for us if you want. Makes absolutely no sense to do otherwise.

  7. I forgot about Mimi Rogers, Al. And at this point, don’t we all expect John Travolta to be the next Mrs. Cruise?

    I did hear the other day though that there is a band called Com Truise. I thought that was pretty cool. I wonder if they have as good a divorce attorney.

    Good point about the fish, Al. I think if I saw one of those bad boys swimming after me, I’d beat Phelps and Lochte to the wall for sure.

  8. Al…

    I don’t see why Selig and the IOC can’t agree on a fair drug-testing policy. They’re both inept.

    And it’s okay, we’d just get smoked by Cuba anyway.

  9. Radio Shack was great if you needed a needle for your turntable or a cleaner for your eight track.
    Damn, wish I would of known about that chick-fil-a thing on the thirteenth. I had just got my cow suit back from the cleaners.
    Ahh, Holmes and Cruise. A match made just a little south of Heaven.
    If I ever find myself planning a trip to Illinois (doubtful) I’ll be sure to leave my swimming trunks at home.

  10. NEWS FLASH: This just in. Joe Paterno’s legacy has dropped faster than yesterday’s burrito from my flaming asshole. Can you believe that the officials at Penn State actually have to think about taking his statue down? Buzz Bissinger had it right. Penn State should get the maximum death penalty.

  11. Exactly, Aer.

    How many times this century have you been to a Radio Shack?

    I wonder if anyone showed up to Chick-Fil-A that day dressed as a pig, then got turned away for mistaken farm animal.

    Is everyone now supposed to start feeling sorry for Katie Holmes? I’m looking forward to the next Maury interview where she cries and tells everyone how miserable she was. You know it can’t be on Oprah because she loves herself some Tom Cruise.

    And wise choice on the swim trunks…. AND not going to Illinois.

  12. Snake…

    For once, we agree.

    We may never know the extent of the covering up that went down, but even if there was a little, that was still too much.

    It’ll be interesting to see how things proceed from here on out.

    Either way, fair justice is still too late to make up for the damage done.

  13. Didn’t Circuit City go the way of the doh-doh bird ?

    Mimi Rogers in her prime was worth laying ” the pipe to ” !

    I hear Scientology leader David Miscavige says he’ll willing undergo a sex change to become the next Mrs Tom Cruise . A tight fit for most but not for the 5′ 4″ Cruise . ‘nough said . LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

    The Bucs have more money than they know what to do with but Dominik and the Glazers are too f##king cheap to spend money on talent .

    And when they do they have had more misses than hits .

    If Michael Phelps fails in his aim to win all of his events then what are the fans or more importantly will NBC do ? They’ve got millions riding on the swimmer’s success . He , the Williams’ sisters and Team USA Basketball are about the only high-profiled athletes the country cares about .

    If I am heading down to Miami for ” a free Monica ” you can bet your a#s I’ll be taking precautions .

    Will that be an inducement to be used by the Magic where they’ll get the cheerleaders to offer Monica’s to the first 5,000 attendees for a home game at the Amway Center next season ? Especially , in light of Dwight no longer being there .

    That’s something that should be adopted not just by the NBA teams but for all of the small market teams in baseball in order to boost attendance . How’d you think that would go down at the Trop ? Pardon the pun there ………..” going down” .

    We would see at least a 400% spike in attendance for the Rays’ home games . Aero would be first in line . If push comes to shove I’d definitely drive or even ride my bike from Polk County for the pleasure !

  14. Bud Selig doesn’t speak the same language as IOC President Jacques Rogge . And Rogge is a linguist fluent in four languages . Bud speaks only bulll#hit and not much beyond that !

    tophatal ……………..

  15. You’d think that the powers that be at Penn State would have learned anything from Watergate. The cover up is worse than the crime. I saw an interview with Joe Paterno’s son Jay. Man, this guy is in deep denial. Calling the Freeh report all wrong. How many days before some group (either students or parents of victims) topples the statue?

  16. @ SpeedBeagle – That Tim Hawkins / Chik-Fil-A song parody is classic. Thanks for the reminder.

  17. So now part of Dez Bryant’s training regimen in the off-season is to beat up on his mother ? Wow ! What the ##@k !

    Courtesy of USA Today

    Dez Bryant’s mother: Cowboys receiver ‘tried to kill me’

    UPDATE: The Star-Telegram has post audio of the 911 call Dez Bryant’s mother made in regards to her son’s alleged assault. Angela D. Bryant is heard saying the Cowboys receiver “tried to kill me,” and “He won’t go home. I keep telling him to go home. He won’t go.”

    The 23-year-old Bryant surrendered Monday after police in DeSoto, south of Dallas, issued a warrant. Police arrived after the 911 call Saturday to find Byrant’s mom with a swollen wrist and thumb and bruising on her upper arms, police Capt. Ron Smith said.

    She told police she had grabbed Dez Bryant’s shirt and he forcefully knocked her arms away, Smith said. Police say he hit her on the face and pushed her in the chest.

    He faces a charge of family violence, a misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine

    =================================

    Click on link to read in full .

    =================================

    If the Cowboys don’t reprimand the player then the NFL should . But as always we’ll continue to hear the bull#hit from the as@ wipes out there let the legal course of action take place first . It’s been a pattern of behavior that’s been ongoing with Bryant since his days in college and it has yet to be curtailed by anyone . Even his (Bryant’s) supposed agent/ adviser Deion Sanders gives him a wide latitude . But then again , look at Sanders’ personal life as of late . Layin’ the pipe to one of his soon to be ex’s closest confidantes and then telling the wife it’s all lies . Funny though , the other female supposedly had one or two of their sexual trysts on tape .

    Show Me the Money and I Will Show You that I can Play


    Any man who lays a hand on a woman has to be considered a pu$$y !
    No matter what the provocation that type of behavior is intolerable and and unconscionable .

    🙂

    tophatal ………..

  18. Al…

    The Bucs only have a year left before, according to NFL salary floor requirements, they HAVE to start spending money on talent.

    Let’s just hope they don’t go all Tampa Bay Rays-Pat Burrell on us.

  19. Snake…

    I don’t know that that’s something they’ll do.

    Remember, it was the Penn State student base that stood outside Paterno’s door and cheered him as soon as the Sandusky news broke.

  20. Al…

    I imagine the Cowboys will wait to see what the NFL does, and the NFL will see what the courts do, before bringing down any suspension.

    That’s all that Cowboys locker room needs in the preseason. Already fully of drama, one of their star players runs afoul of the law.

    Nice move, Dez.

  21. Jed…

    You know Chick-Fil-A says you’re supposed to eat more chicken.

    Haven’t you been paying attention?

    FYI… where’d you sell that suit? I could use one for next July.

  22. Here’s what you do… Dust off your cow suit… Make a little sign that says “Cow Suit for rent $1 per five minutes”… Then stand out in front of your neighborhood Chick-Fil-A on that magic day and pull down a hefty $15-20 an hour!

  23. Something D-W-I-N economics.

    Voo-Dwin economics.

    Bueller? Bueller?

    Speaking of money, Dwin, when are we gonna get drunk and play some golf.

    I’m good on Mondays and Thursdays.

  24. Chris… Have to be on a Thursday… I’ll submit myself to utter humiliation at the hands of the Sports Chump… Give me a couple of weeks to limber up! You know… work out the kinks, get my electrolytes all lined up and so on…

  25. Chick-fil-A waffle fries are awesome. We have had their occasional cow mascot waving to passers-by street-side and it does seem to put a smile on everyone’s face…as do the waffle fries, of course. Did I mention they are awesome? I admire the fact they close on Sundays…but you gotta know there is some serious coin being rejected in the process. I wonder how often the “family” discusses modifying that business model. Whatever. Just don’t touch the waffle fries. Back away from my waffle fries…

  26. SA…

    Have you ever grabbed a bag of waffle fries out of the frozen section of your local supermarket, only to get home, grease up the tin foil, warm up the oven, throw those bad boys in there for 15-17 minutes at 375 degrees or whatever the recommended temp to cook at, only to pull them out that allotted time later and still have them taste nothing like Chick-Fil-A?

    Bastards! Those cows have cornered the market on waffly goodness.

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