Oprah set to clean house on Lance’s dirty shame

I’m suddenly overcome with this unclean feeling and it has nothing to do with the fact that I haven’t lifted myself off the couch to brush my teeth after last night’s red meat, wine and cigar-smoking extravaganza.

This uneasiness has nothing to do with that lonely divorcee you shouldn’t have talked to at last call or what Seattle must feel knowing they’re getting a basketball team back that’s a retread Sacramento Kings team and not the one with Kevin Durant whom they once drafted.

This time, the nausea has to do with bicycles, for Lance Armstrong is about to commence his admit-all, Oprah tour and personally I can’t be more excited, yet disdainfully so.

I can’t say I’ve ever looked forward to an episode of Oprah.  I actually thought her farewell tour began years ago but apparently, she’s still on the air and going strong.  Or perhaps she’s coming back for Lance’s 2013 Tour de Farce.

This Friday, Oprah Winfrey will proudly railroad Sheryl Crow’s cycling and doping ex-boyfriend, slash former American hero, in what promises to be the big O’s most-watched episode, which is saying something considering she launched the careers of Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and has had a wagon of her own fat drug on stage for all America to see.

This Friday, we’re in store for a wagon full of guilt being hauled in on two wheels not four.

Allegedly, former seven-time Tour de France Champion, Lance Armstrong, will plead his guilt, admitting that he took steroids throughout his decade-long dominance of competitive cycling.  The world’s most shamed two-wheeler this side of Pee Wee Herman is set to tell the world what Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens won’t, that he took illicit drugs to enhance his career.  Excuse me while I yawn, yet simultaneously pop popcorn as I sit glued to my flat screen.

I must confess, I feel compelled to watch, and I feel dirty about doing so.  My DVR has already been set, not because I never thought Lance Armstrong took performance enhancers to perpetuate his unprecedented dominance of the French mountainside or that I even gave a shit.

I’m just struggling with why this has become must see TV in the SportsChump household.  It’s not like Lance’s confession, after several stubborn years of admitting his innocence, will suddenly cleanse us, finally taking that toothbrush to the mouthful of cigar smoke we inhaled the night before.

None of it will matter and that’s what makes anticipating this whole Oprah thing like watching a movie we already know the ending to.  Tears.  Confession.  Guilt.  The bicyclist did it.  We knew that before we paid for admission.

For years, we’ve debated over who did what and in the end, most of us could give a crap.  We cheered Lance unconditionally in a sport no one ever cared about, just as we did Barry, Roger, Mark and Sammy in a sport we actually did once care about.

In the end, however, Lance’s confession will only make one person feel better and that’s Oprah because she stands to make seven figures as soon as he walks through the door.  But trust me.  Lance’s confession won’t bring any of us any closer to closure.  Not even Lance.  That’s because we already knew in our hearts what happened.  So did Lance.  And so did Oprah.

When we wake up the following morning and our breath still bears the stench that no toothpaste can cleanse, that’s something we’ll all have to deal with.

32 thoughts on “Oprah set to clean house on Lance’s dirty shame

  1. Pingback: Oprah set to clean house on Lance’s dirty shame - BallHyped Blog Network, Other Sports | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. It’s been rumored that for the male attendees in the audience of for the televising of Lance’s admission of guilt will be given 50 mg of Viagra . What no car ?

    Armstrong has been a petulant piece of sh#t right from the start and only the anally retentive would have jumped to his defense without ever taking into account the mounting evidence that there was in place !

    Take the fact that Johann Bruyneel , Amstrong’s team manager ( with Astana & Radio Shack – team’s he’d ridden for ) had been suspended twice before passing on for EPO and other illicit substances to former riders on the team and the smoking gun was already there .

    But yet you had morons questioning the jurisdiction of WADA and the USADA ?

    The biggest joke in this all , is the very fact that UCI (Union Cycliste’ International Federation) the international governing body of the sport , have been about as proactive in this mess , as the government’s handling of the fiscal crisis !

    Tophatal

  3. Honestly, after all this time who cares! All these athletes are expected to go faster, hit harder, run further, do things that most people are not physically able to do. Of course they have to use drugs! Does he really have to admit it? Are people really waiting for a confession? I know, I know, it’s like a car wreck… you can’t help but look at the carnage.

  4. Seven figures is a drop in the bucket to Oprah, but you’re right about this making her happy. Why? A final five-minutes of relevance.

  5. I couldn’t give a shit about Lance Armstrong. He’s about as relevant as Bret Favre. I just want him to go away. Personally, I always thought that ALL cyclists should take the same PEDs to level the competition.

  6. Chris

    All the apathy in the world can’t hide the fact that fans are either the proponent for athletes taking PED’s or they’re not . Many of them however couldn’t give a sh#t when these players end up not only physical health issues but also mental health problems from the misuse of steroids and the other illicit substances being used .

    Furthermore , how would or will sit with these fans if their kids were found to be using stanazalol having been coaxed into it either by a coach or fellow student ? That’s something I’ve not read anywhere by patrons offering up their piece of gab-fest on this topic ? Clued in or simply clueless ?

    NBA piece ….

    This is not what I signed up for !

    Tophatal ……………

  7. By the way speaking of another athlete who admitted his guilt . A Rod is undergoing hip surgery (degenerative hip [ brought on allegedly by decay] ) …….. do you think it’s because of his rampant misuse of steroids …. as ” boli” , as he refers to his steroid of choice ?

    Tophatal ……….

  8. If he called a press conference and took his “shots” that way I may very well have watched. However, the fact he has chosen Oprah as a controlled, quiet venue for confessing he wasn’t a good sport just smacks one more time of how obsessed he is to control the image, the message. Real courage would have been to have the press conference in France, in front of not only the general sports media but the specific sport’s reporters. After all of this time and all of the denials, ya gotta do better than Oprah, Lance. You beat cancer. You can probably handle a press conference.

  9. No, Al, here’s what the biggest joke of all is.

    Armstrong’s gonna go on that show but not give any of the sordid details any of us want to hear.

    Just you watch.

  10. Me…

    Droppin’ a carnage bomb on me. You little poet, you.

    But I do think your sentiments echo most of American sports fans these days.

    We just don’t care anymore. We’re not nearly as sanctimonious as those who vote people into the Hall of Fame or stripping athletes of their (well-deserved?) awards.

    The question we have to ask ourselves is… is Lance Armstrong still the greatest cyclist of all time?

  11. Al…

    I think that’s what a lot of us are curious about, what’s going to happen to these guys’ bodies twenty years down the road…. or in A-Rod’s case, currently.

  12. Al…

    So Kaepernick had the most amount of rushing yards for a quarterback in any NFL game ever?

    Not a bad performance.

    Let’s see if Atlanta allows that to happen this Sunday.

  13. Chris

    Kevin Johnson is a pompous a$s ! The Maloofs have agreed in principle to sell the Kings to a Seattle based consortium who will relocate the beleaguered Kings’ franchise . He should take the money and run in terms what’s owed in terms of the leasing agreement and deal with his city’s real inherent problems , rather than being shafted repeatedly by the Kings’ ownership . The Maloofs need the money to begin with. It’s either that or sell more of a stake in the Palms in Las Vegas .

    ‘melo needs to calm down . If KG had got up into his face and said he’d $$$ked his wife , Lala Velazquez , then it might have been something different . He’s in angst over cereal , as is being alleged ?

    Tophatal ………….

  14. Al…

    You and I both know the Maloofs are going to get what they want. Money talks and they have a lot more pull in the community than KJ. The best Johnson can hope for is getting a team to relocate back there down the road.

    And people are pretty high, understandably, on Kaepernick these days. Atlanta better come up with a game plan.

  15. Chris

    Left you a response concerning the Kings . The Maloofs do need the money , as they do have a serious cash flow problem . They’ve sold near major stakes in the family’s business holdings , and they recently sold a 23% stake in the Palms and their second resort located in Vegas , leaving their stake at just about 3 % in the gaming and hotel hospitality business .

    The best Johnson can really hope for , is actually a financial playoff , similar to what the city of Seattle received, when the Sonics left town for Oklahoma City . And to my mind $25 million is better than a kick to the groin and a ….. “fu#k you ” ________ as a response from the NBA and the new owners ! It’s business , simply business . Dumb @ss politicians at the municipal and county and state level are too $$$king stupid for their own good ! If Kevin Johnson had any goddamn sense to begin with , he’d have hired a good corporate attorney , rather than seeking altruism , which was never going to be forthcoming from the Maloofs or the front office of the Kings .

    So Rory McIroy is going to make some ” real bank ” ? He’s joining Tiger at the Nike stable with his own line of clubs , apparel and other accessories . The world #1 signed a 10 year $200 million deal with a proviso that at year seven , the annual payout will increase to $30 million based on sales . If he maintains his current level of success , it’s a win , win for everyone involved in the deal , especially Nike Inc.

    McIRoy could be well on his way to making the sort of “jack” that Phil and Tiger net annually ( Lefty on average $35 million a year and Tiger on avg at $65 million a year ) . No other current PGA golfer , can come even close to those two .

    Tophatal ……………

  16. If you’re Alex Smith how f#cked up must he now feel his life has to be ? Last season Harbaugh and GM Trent Baalke were intent on bringing in Peyton Manning . In 2012 , he gets injured , loses his job to Colin Kaepernick , and how he’s like ” the black sheep” in the family , amongst the Niners’ players .

    Well he (Smith ) and Ahmad Bradshaw (who’s liable to be cut) this off-season are unlikely to return .

    Kaepernick has lit it up this year for the Niners , regular and postseason .

    Tophatal …..

  17. Al…

    The Maloofs need money? Why do I doubt that? They own the friggin’ Palms in Las Vegas. How could anyone who owns a Las Vegas casino need money?

    Or perhaps they should just ask Rory McIlroy for a loan.

    And re: Alex Smith, if were any damn good, he wouldn’t have lost his job in the first place. Let’s just hope he doesn’t end up in a Bucs uniform. Stranger things have happened.

  18. What’s worse, Dub, is that he’s not going to come all that clean.

    I’m sure there will be plenty of details that we really want to know, that he’ll just leave out entirely.

    Watch the ratings for this show though, bro.

    I predict through the roof.

  19. About as shocking as when Ricky Martin or George Micheal “outed” themselves…and Lance’s revelation illicits just as much interest from me as those other two clowns…I could give a shit less.

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