Things I would never buy, Vol. 1: Spinach and kale potato chips

I was shopping at my local Publix the other afternoon.  (For those of you living outside the Southeastern United States, Publix is the supermarket of choice for most Floridians.)  As will happen to me every so often, I had a hankering for one of their delicious, submarine sandwiches.  My hoagie of preference rarely strays: Boars Head ultimate on wheat with Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, a little oil and vinegar and their delicious horseradish sauce.  Along with a side of chips, it’s the breakfast of champions.

Kale chips

So there I stood, waiting on the courteous, hair-netted lunch lady to prepare my sub when I looked around to see what else awaited me in the deli section.  That’s when I saw a food product that should never have been perpetrated against humanity, and I’m not talking about those hard boiled eggs encased in plastic they think might appeal to the consumer who’s too lazy to boil an egg.  There, on display for all to see, was that isolated stand of “healthy” potato chips, fully stocked with varieties of flavored additives that have no business being on a potato chip in the first place.

Any dietician will tell you that if you’re going to cheat, then go ahead and cheat.  You deserve it.  If you’re craving potato chips or ice cream or whichever guilty pleasure you feel disrupts your healthy lifestyle, then go full bore.  Don’t partake half-assed in a Splenda-filled treat and think you’re doing yourself a favor.  That just leaves you craving more.

But who in their right mind would buy a potato chip flavored with “kale and spinach?”  I’ll give you a moment to remove the throw-up from your mouth.

kale-benefitsKale?  Really?  When’s the last time you heard someone say “Mmmmm, kale!” or “Mom, will you please pass the kale?”  Vegetarians don’t even like kale.  Kale’s mother doesn’t even like kale.  Kale farmers have to go to bed every night questioning their career paths.  They might as well have made potato chips out of seaweed and broccoli and hope for the best.  I’m lucky I didn’t lose my appetite right then and there.

I can’t imagine the Spinach and Kale potato chip is flying off the shelves.  Nor can I imagine the boardroom genius who suggested making a potato chip out of something nobody ever eats.

Onion and sour cream?  Sure.  Cheddar and Bacon?  Why the hell not?  But kale?  Are we suddenly selling potato chips to farm animals?

They’re potato chips!  Sliced potatoes (so they tell us), deep fried in healthy oils (yeah, right), so why pretend adding the color green and some kale parts to the process is miraculously going to make this bag of crunchy stuff good for us?

Because consumers are morons, that’s why, and the makers of that potato chip and so many other “healthy” products would have us think we’re doing our body good by eating a potato chip with kale in it.

But we’re not.  We’re just showing bad taste.  Just like that potato chip.

56 thoughts on “Things I would never buy, Vol. 1: Spinach and kale potato chips

  1. Kale! It’s what’s for dinner! I had Kale once… That’s it… But the day I did I broke par, bowled 300, ran the table 5 times in a row, won with a real “Cool Hand”, led from start to finish and broke the bank at Monte Carlo… Think I’ll have another! LOL!

  2. Dwin…

    If that’s not a pitch for kale, I don’t know what is.

    Let’s just say Kale and Company will probably be calling you to be their spokesperson well before me.

  3. Chris

    What`s this kale that you speak of and were can I get some ? Roy Hibbert`s post-game meltdown on Saturday , priceless . Another sign that the NBA and the majority of their players are as dumb as they look . Contrite apology or Hibbert simply realizing what an idiot he just happens to be ?

    tophatal ………

  4. Al…

    Hibbert’s post-game press conference was inexplicable.

    Usually I watch those in their entirety but that night I was working.

    Oh, to be watching that one live.

    I can’t help but think that’ll be a distraction headed into the biggest game of his life.

    Perhaps he’ll need some kale.

  5. Funny, funny funny!!!! That was a hysterical post SC.

    Hadn’t seen those chips but I’m sure their stock went down after this post.

    That was a fun read… but you did leave us all wondering… what chips did you get w/that tasty sub?

  6. Ruffles Reduced Fat.

    They taste just like the regular Ruffles and don’t have any of that Olestra that other chips have.

    I mean who the hell would eat anything that warns on its package that it gives you “loose stool?”

    Okay, this conversation has gone downhill quickly.

  7. Chris

    Hibbert was quick to fire off a tweet (a day later) to Jason Collins , offering an apology , all of 24 hours after the fact , even when his agent told him his response should have been immediate . Clearly , the idiocy of the NBA players knows no boundaries when it comes to common decency . Kobe , Amar`e and now Roy Hibbert , How dumb are these guys ?

    So the Grizzlies ave told Lionel Hollins that e can pursue other coaching opportunities elsewhere in the NBA ? Is that merely because he was critical of the front office , because they overruled him on the Rudy Gay trade to the Raptors ? Or the fact that the franchise just hired a maths` guru to work the stats issue , to see if the organization is getting more “ bang for its bucks“ ~~ , from a value standpoint in terms of the roster ? Your thoughts on that ? Saber-metrics coming to the NBA and a franchise near you soon .

    Let me know what you think as to the following ?

    Speak no evil , see no evil and hear no evil

  8. Spurs and Miami/Pacers thursday at the “Patio”. I may have to dig up my “Obi Juan Ginobili” t-shirt. Hope I can find it……

    Are you in?

  9. Al…

    His response wasn’t immediate enough, meaning if should never have happened. And now is Jason Collins the end all be all of homosexually charged epithets? I expect he’ll be getting plenty more Tweets in the future if that’s the case. It’s still professional sports we’re talking about.

    And I’m not quite sure why the Grizz continue to tinker with their roster in such a serious manner? Hasn’t this team been real, real close of late? So why mess with a good team when the core of that team is still relatively young?

  10. Snake…

    An ex-girlfriend of mine, from the South, used to cook collard greens. They stunk up the whole house.

    And they tasted just as bad.

  11. I have a loose stool in my kitchen…Go Pacers!!

    I won’t even touch LeFlop doing the 100m dash the other night when called for an offensive foul…what a clown!

  12. I like busting on ya…I know you like him…it’s cool…I just play devil’s advocate…

  13. D…

    I don’t know that I necessarily like or dislike him. I try to be impartial.

    I do recognize him as far and away the best talent in the game, however.

    I mean, that’s hard to argue against, isn’t it?

  14. He is the best player…just wish he would grow up and act like it. The “he is still young” excuse does not fly with me. He sets a poor example for the millions of kids who look up to him.

    Yes I know Chuck Barkley pontificated that parents only are role models and not athletes but that is a bunch of tripe…it comes with the territory. He needs to figure out how to win and lose with class or he will never be anything more that a punk.

  15. D…

    For the longest time, I think LeBron struggled with an identity but I think he’s well on his way growing up. The championship helped.

    I’m not so sure I’d call him a “punk.” That’s a little harsh.

    I mean, compared to what most athletes are doing these days, he’s a model citizen.

    Just out of curiosity, where do you think Kobe Bryant ranks on the punk scale?

  16. Kobe is a punk…where there is smoke there is fire. I mean the guy cheated on his wife and was brought into court on a rape charge…who knows what is the real story.

    Maybe I am being too harsh on the King. I will sit back and watch the next couple of years, but if he keeps up with his on court antics I will stand by my opinion.

    You can be a punk and still abide by the law.

  17. Chris

    The new team owner of the Grizzlies is definitely delusional . This team would not have got as far as it has done this season without the efforts of Lionel Hollins and they should do well to remember that fact

    Geno Smith will be coming out with a solo rap CD on Jigga`s Roc Nation label . It will be entitled , “ Records I Hope To Rack Up “ . Smith will record under the pseudonym “ Big Ticket “ aka The Chosen One .

    Who in your eyes will be directly to blame should Miami implode against the Pacers in tonight`s game ? Singling out LBJ , would that be fair ? Or should it be , because neither Bosh or Wade have not contributed much at all , during this conference finals` series ? Your thoughts ?

    How crazy is the story about former NBA star Mookie Blaylock ? Driving (Blaylock) with a suspended license , he crossed a median and killed a passenger driving in the opposite direction along a highway in Georgia .

    A call to arms

    tophatal …………………..

  18. Not sure I can swing tonight as I am recovering from a long weekend and a busy Monday but I’ll see what I can do.

  19. Link to the story on Mookie Blaylock

    Courtesy of USA Today

    Ex-NBA star Mookie Blaylock faces vehicular homicide charge

    By Ray Glier , USA Today Sports

    JONESBORO, Ga. — Former NBA star Mookie Blaylock faces vehicular homicide among other charges for Friday’s traffic accident in which his SUV crossed a median and killed a woman passenger in another vehicle.

    Jonesboro, Ga., police investigators and the Clayton County (Ga.) prosecutor met Monday and also charged Blaylock with driving under a suspended license, improper lane change, crossing the median and driving on the wrong side of the road.

    Clayton County State Solicitor Tasha Mosley said Blaylock, still hospitalized in Atlanta from the accident, has not spoken yet with authorities.

    “He has lawyered up,” Mosley told USA TODAY Sports. “Their attorney is flying in from out of state.”

    Mosley said the sentence for vehicular homicide second degree is “12 months in jail and probation. That’s usually what happens.”

    Blaylock, driving south of Atlanta, lost control of his SUV, crossed the median and struck a vehicle driven by Frankie Murphy. His wife, Monica, 43, was killed, and he suffered a broken ankle.

    ================================
    Click on link to read in full .

    =================================

    tophatal ………………

  20. D…

    I do agree with your point that there’s something to be said for winning with grace.

    It’s why the NBA Finals MVP award was named after Bill Russell.

  21. Al…

    I don’t know much about the change in team ownership in Memphis. Did the new owner have anything to do with the trading of Rudy Gay? I think that eventually caught up to them in the San Antonio series.

    Re: the Heat implosion, I think it’s fair that Wade and Bosh shoulder much of the blame but Spoelsta has been unable to make any sort of adjustments against that Indiana lineup so he’s clearly at fault too. Unless, of course, they win tonight.

    I hadn’t heard that about Blaylock. Sad news.

  22. Fabes…

    Well, you know where to find us.

    And don’t forget to root for the Heat tonight. I mean, after all, you would want to face the Heat, wouldn’t you?

  23. My high school band director would always drop in on the monthly Band Girls meeting for a Diet Dr Pepper and a couple of homemade cookies. His theory was that the Diet Dr Pepper counter-acted the calories in the cookies.

  24. Kale???

    You know what started all this crap, don’t you?

    Those multi-colored nacho chips!!! WTH did we need three different colors of nacho chips for?

  25. It was former owner Micael Heisley who was the proponent of the trade to get the team firmly under the salary cap ($58 million ) . That being said , they (Grizzlies) missed Rudy Gay`s offensive productivity for this postseason .

    Blaylock`s family are trying to suggest he might well have suffered a seizure that caused the accident . What difference does tat make ? Mookie Blaylock should not ave been behind the wheel operating a vehicle with a suspended license . There is always an idiot or imbecile , seemingly looking to defend the indefensible .

    Wade turned up last , but was Bosh still in the Heat`s locker room at the tip-off ?

    As and when you`re ready .

    A call to arms

    tophatal ……………….

  26. I see the prospective #1 draft pick (Jonathan Gray) for the upcoming MLB Draft got busted for the stimulant Adderall ? What , there was no weed for him to get that customary high or to bring him back down to earth ?

    Will you be buying Geno Smith`s new rap CD when it comes out ? I hear now that he`s signed to Jigga`s Roc Nation Sports Agency , he also inked a deal to have a CD introduced prior to the Jets` regular season opener . One of tracks will be entitled “ Mark Sanchez ain`t got nuthin` on me “ LOL,LOL,LOL !!! l

    tophatal ………… .

  27. It may well be sad news, but Mookie Blaylock should not have been on the road with a suspended license . Never mind the fact that family members are claiming that he may well have suffered a cerebral seizure . What if anything , does that tell you to begin with ? It still doesn`t excuse Blaylock`s actions , one bit .

    The trade of Rudy Gay was initiated by former owner Michael Heisley , as he sought to get the team well under the league`s soft salary cap .

  28. ESPN widely reporting that some major suspensions are about take place concerning several prominent MLB stars all linked to South Florida based supplements` firm Bogenseis . Remember the piece I initiated on this very same topic concerning A- Rod and Ryan Braun to name but a few ?

    Rays get demolished in 10-1 loss to thttp://www.wtsp.com/sports/article/319956/4/Report-MLB-will-try-to-suspend-A-Rod-Braun-otherse Tigers , Noting new , same old Rays , too inconsistent .

    Matt Moore has been the only worthwhile thing wit regard to the team`s pitching .

    tophatal ………………

  29. Han….

    There’s something purely unnatural about a blue chip.

    Unless of course you’re talking the movie “Blue Chips” with Nick Nolte, Shaquille O’Neal and Penny Hardaway which was totally realistic.

  30. Al…

    Baseball’s currently got some big fish to fry.

    I wonder if they’re going to air those proceedings on Court TV and whether Bosch will wear those sunglasses of his in court.

    This is about to get juicy.

  31. Confucious say:
    Eat unhealthy foods, drink, smoke and stay up late and you will surely die.

    Bleed say:
    Eat healthy, don’t drink, don’t smoke and go to bed early and you’ll still fucking die.

    Life is short, live it the way you want. Fuck kale. What’s the point in living long enough that you become a burden to your family, need your diapers changed and eat dinner through a straw? Eff that noise. I’m eating red meat, getting drunk if I feel like it and blazing my medical on the regular. YOLO!

  32. Interesting useless fact…

    The potato chip was invented in 1853 by George Crum. Crum was a Native American/African American chef at the Moon Lake Lodge resort in Saratoga Springs, New York, USA. French fries were popular at the restaurant and one day a diner complained that the fries were too thick. Although Crum made a thinner batch, the customer was still unsatisfied. Crum finally made fries that were too thin to eat with a fork, hoping to annoy the extremely fussy customer. The customer, surprisingly enough, was happy – and potato chips were invented!

    Crum’s chips were originally called Saratoga Chips and potato crunches. They were soon packaged and sold in New England – Crum later opened his own restaurant.

    William Tappendon manufactured and marketed the chips in Cleveland, Ohio, in 1895. In the 1920s, the salesman Herman Lay sold potato chips to the southern USA (selling the chips from the trunk of his car). In 1926, Laura Scudder (who owned a potato chip factory in Monterey Park, California) invented a wax paper potato chip bag to keep the chips fresh and crunchy – this made potato chips even more popular.

  33. Hey Bleed, thanks for the memories. When I lived in California in the 70s, the 2 best things to eat were Laura Scudder Potato Chips and Winchell’s Donuts. While “cool” Californians were eating their granola bars, I was pigging out on the good stuff, and I’m still around. Maybe a little bit more around, but I’m happy.

  34. And as for blue nacho chips being unnatural, I offer this-

    Agricultural scientists at Texas A&M University developed a strain of carrots that are maroon to match the maroon in the school colors. They felt that eating orange carrots was offensive. (Remember that at the time, A&M’s biggest rival was the University of Texas. Their colors are orange and white.)

  35. Beag,
    That happens out here in LALA Land too. Just last year I saw USC and UCLA Doritos with colors to match the school. Nacho Cheese and Taco flavors for SC and Cool Ranch and Taco for the ACLU Ruins. You can probably guess which I prefer.

  36. No prob Snake.
    Both brands are still around as far as I know, though I associate Laura Scudders with peanut butter more so than chips. Winchell’s shops aren’t as plentiful as they used to be but if you want a tasty breakfast snack and a cup of coffee for under $5,(thanks Starbucks…pricks) it’s the best one.

    -I bet Hanny would change his crabby tune on colored potato chips if they covered the bags in random advertisments, made pit stops and turned left real fast for a few hours.

  37. Beag…

    I spent many a year in Gainesville and don’t recall eating anything orange or blue that shouldn’t have already been orange or blue.

  38. Bleed and Han on the NASCAR chips. Lovin’ it!

    Han? Any response?

    And it’s nice that Snake (a Celtics fan) and Bleed (a Lakers fan) are getting along.

    What’s next? Cats and dogs living together?

  39. The Chump And Bleed Take Las Vegas would make The Hangover look like a Disney movie.

  40. Trust Trump (Donald) to interject himself into this latest baseball controversy . Wanting to sue A Rod because he may well have, lied again, about his using a banned substance ? Donald Trump ought to be sued for wearing the same hairstyle for the last two decades . It is a crime . LOL , LOL ,LOL !!!

  41. And Al…

    This is going to all end badly for A-Rod. As if his reputation wasn’t sullied enough, he’s got this to contend with.

    I’m not too sure anyone feels all that sorry for him either.

  42. Jed…

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for eating healthy, which I usually do.

    And I know to try pretty much anything that comes out of the gluttons’ kitchens.

    I just don’t want a chip company to put kale in their product and tell me it’s supposed to be good for me.

  43. These chips are awesome! I cook up a huge bunch of kale at least 2x month. I love how this company makes their chips. It’s the perfect snack when you want something crunchy + salty. Just the right amount of sea salt. Superb!!! If you are not familiar with the added benefits & rich nutrients of Kale, I suggest you read up on Kale. I will continue to eat it the rest of my life.

  44. They are yummy. Eating them now with salsa.
    Kale and spinach are wonderful, tasty and nutritious foods.kale in fact being a superfood. Don’t be put off. Try them!

  45. Ya know what, Jules, you’re not the first person to suggest that.

    Perhaps I will.

    I was just more put off by the fact that they try to push these things off as healthy when, technically, they’re still chips.

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