Chumpservations, Vol. 30: Phone books, sneaker pimps, oddball gratuities and the world’s most famous Heimlich

Phony

I came home the other morning to find a phone book sitting on my front door step.  They’ve gotten considerably smaller over the years.

recycled phone booksI grew up in New York City.  Back then, we had three separate phone books per household, one yellow and two white pages and we needed them all.  The things were huge too.

If you wanted a pizza delivered, you had to thumb through that lengthy “P” section, assuming you didn’t already have the number memorized.  Of course, that was before Al Gore invented the internet and when most of America still knew what a landline was.

Now we all have internet on our phones.  Heck, even the homeless lady down the block from work has an iPhone.  So why are we still killing trees to provide every residence in America with a phone book?  Wouldn’t it be easier, and certainly more efficient, if Ma Bell, or whoever’s wasting their precious time and resources printing these things, to simply find the three remaining people in this country who don’t have internet access and deliver phone books to them instead of dropping them on the doorsteps of the 300 million who have absolutely no need for them?

Or would that make too much sense?

 

It’s Gotta Be The Shoes

I have officially heard it all.  Who knew that a pair of sneakers could be hazardous to one’s health?

just do it pimpLet this be a lesson to you.  Never smash anyone in the face with your shoe.  But if you do, feel free to blame someone else for the damage.

An Oregon pimp named Sirgiorgio Clardy is currently serving time for stomping on the face of a ‘customer’ who refused to pay for services rendered.  So it only makes sense that this industrious fellow is now suing the maker of his shoes, Phil Knight and Nike, for not providing them with a warning label.

How much would you love to be a fly on the wall of Phil Knight’s office when news of this impending lawsuit came across his desk?  Knight is the co-founder of Nike.  He’s worth $16.8 billion but how dare he so carelessly release a product without thinking about the safety of those who might get stepped on.

Clardy is suing Knight for $100 million.  Nike has declined to comment.

I’d say it’s highly improbable that this case ever sees the inside of a courtroom.  But just in case, the next time you negotiate with a pimp, be sure his shoes come with a warning label.

 

 

A Meth-od To Their Madness

Apparently, there’s something in the drinking water in Oregon.

If you thought the case of the pimp shoe stomper was odd, an Oregonian couple was recently arrested after tipping their waitress… in crystal meth.  Heck, that’s gotta be better than 20%, right?

Meth coupleI’ve worked in the service industry a long time and have gotten some interesting tips over the years but never a bag of meth.  Wait, I take that back (just kidding).

Ryan Bensen and Erica Manley were out for a romantic night on the town and decided to dine at a local steakhouse, which begs the question why were they even eating if they were all hopped up on meth?  When it came time to pay their bill, they left a bag of methamphetamines in a white envelope on the table as a gratuity.  I guess they felt they were just being thoughtful.

The server immediately called the police who then found the couple, obtained a warrant to search their hotel and subsequently arrested them.

No word as to what kind of shoes they were wearing.

 

The Good, The Bad And The Heimlich

I remember Randy Couture giving an interview back when he was filming The Expendables.  The reporter asked him who he thought was the baddest dude on the set, a semi-legitimate question considering he was making a film with the likes of Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarznegger and Jet Li, yet still a somewhat ridiculous one considering Couture was once a UFC Champion and the others are one step away from a nursing home.

Couture chuckled.

He might want to reconsider his answer, however, for some movie stars are more, bad-ass than we think.

josey walesAt a recent PGA Tour event (where else would 83 year olds hang out), Clint Eastwood apparently saved the life of a golf official by performing the Heimlich Maneuver.

Can you imagine choking on a hot dog, being totally unable to breathe, when from out of nowhere Dirty Harry gives you a bear hug from behind, eliciting you to cough up the bun that’s lodged in your esophagus?   Do you feel lucky?  Well do ya’, punk?

What’s next?  Sylverster Stallone rescuing tots from burning buildings?  Liam Neeson using his very particular set of skills to cure world hunger?  Free First Aid kits with the purchase of every Million Dollar Baby DVD?

The octogenarian already boasts a legendary film career, a governorship and now he’s running around saving people’s lives.  And to think I have a tough time getting off the couch in the morning.

16 thoughts on “Chumpservations, Vol. 30: Phone books, sneaker pimps, oddball gratuities and the world’s most famous Heimlich

  1. Pingback: Chumpservations, Vol. 30: Phone books, sneaker pimps, oddball gratuities and the world’s most famous Heimlich - BallHyped Blog Network, Other Sports | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Tipped server with meth ? Wow ! No doubt a Polk County native out of Wahneta or Mulberry ?

    Couture’s UFC record is almost as impressive as Eric Butterbean Esch’s career as a professional boxer .

    Stallone is already writing the script for ” Expendables IV ” ? Apparently, he and his buddies are now in a retirement home and they’re sharing their capsules of Viagra while seeking to “lay some pipe” with the female nurses on the staff there .

  3. Al…

    How many kids does Jordan have now? Guy can pretty much field a basketball team with his offspring.

    Funny reference to Polk County. Looks like that’s not the only place in the world that has that sort of thing happening.

    Expendable IV, Al? Say it ain’t so. How many more bad one-liners can these guys repeat? I think at this point, these guys should all still be doing their own stunts. That would ensure there’s not an Expendables V.

  4. Really like the new look SC! Nice job.
    And I remember those huge NYC phone books … I think you may have even sat on one or two (as a booster seat?) back-in-the-day? :)
    Good post. Congrats on the fresh, clean look.

  5. Ah, you guys making fun of “Rocky”. Prior to his success on the big screen Sly was an up and coming pornstar. He competed very well.

  6. I believe Michael Jordan now has five kids but if he were to field his basketball team , it would have to be co-ed .

    Expendables V is probably on tap , but it’s not as if Stallone needs the money , having cashed in with the Rocky and Rambo movies . He wrote and co-produced the Jason Statham movie Home Country .

    Look for Statham to be the “villain ” of the piece in “Fast & Furious VII” .

    Your thoughts on DeMaurice Smith ‘ going off ‘ on the NFL general managers and calling ‘ them out’ with their alleged “misgivings” in drafting Michael Sam ? Given the fact that Smith and the NFLPA (union) have never come out with any type of stance on the issue of a players’ sexuality within the NFL and the homophobia that exists there . I think that the union leader is coming off as just as much of a hypocrite as those he’s now criticizing !

  7. Polk County is unrivaled within the state for its meth and weed sales . But it’s the meth issue that Grady Judd is really worried about .

    He’s (Judd) probably pi#sed at Orlando based lawyer John Morgan (For the People) of Morgan & Morgan having spent close to $1.5 million of his own money to have the medical marijuana initiative on the upcoming ballot in the statewide elections . I say “go for it ” , it’s not as if the state has anything to lose, if it all goes down in flames .

    Given Florida’s budgetary woes , the state needs all the incoming revenue it can get . See how the state of Colorado alone pulled in over $200 million in sales within four days after “weed” became legal there . Puff , puff , pass that “dubie” to Rick Scott to see , if it can place him on a higher plain , in terms of his intelligence or not , as the case maybe .

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