Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet

CostanzaI found an interesting article on Yahoo the other day, another one of my sources for all things bizarre.  Seriously, Yahoo has become the National Enquirer for all news unfit to print.

I guess some marine biologist not named Costanza thought it was a good idea to fit a shark with a tracking device.  Not only does this Great White have a GPS signal lodged somewhere in its dorsal but… it’s Tweeting.

That’s right, I said it.  It’s Tweeting.

The shark is Tweeting its location as it travels up, down and all around the Eastern Seaboard.  Can someone get Robert Shaw to blow this thing out of the water yet?  Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women.  Never mind, that’ll just lead to bad sequels.

The shark’s name is Mary Lee, which doesn’t sound all that ominous… until of course you saw the 16-foot fucker swimming right at you.  Then you’d be Tweeting in your pants.  At least they didn’t name the shark Mary Kay.  I can’t think of anything more frightening than a Great White driving around your neighborhood in one of those pink Cadillacs trying to sell you make-up.  Candygram!

CandygramA non-profit organization named Ocearch tagged the shark a few years ago and thought it would serve science if they tracked the shark’s progress.  Apparently the shark sends a friendly Tweet every time its fin surfaces.  The clever folks at Ocearch even came up with the hashtag #sharkworldworries which has, count ‘em, one lone tweet.  Womp womp.

I’m all for scientific progress or anything that’ll cure cancer, offset future sharknados, ensure I get better cell phone coverage or alleviate traffic on my commute to work but Mary Lee’s progress got me thinking.  What better way to check on our athletes and what they’re doing than to implant them with a GPS tracker?

That way, if Tom Brady spends a little extra time in the locker room after his teammates hit the field, we know he’s been playing with his balls a little too long, so to speak.  (That was a deflategate reference in case some of you haven’t been paying attention.)

We could implant a Twitter Tracker in A-Rod’s ass (not in his ass, but you know, his glutes) to see if any sort of chemical imbalance is still allowing him to hit home runs at record pace.

Tweeting-Shark-01We could Twitter track Manny Pacquiao’s shoulder.  It would have warned us that the 36-year old Filipino was not 100% before his fight with Floyd Mayweather, Jr., a loss which will not surprisingly result in a rematch that nobody wants to waste another $100 on.  And for that matter, we can Twitterfix the entire sport of boxing to wonder if its relevance will ever surface again.

We could keep tabs on Los Angeles’ hopes to land a professional football team.  On second thought, scratch that.  That sounds like a vacant Twitter account with not much to say.

And we could Twitter track Tiger Woods and find out once and for all what the hell is going on with this guy’s golf game.

The possibilities are endless and they’re all for the sake of science so count me in.

Dunh DUNH!!!

16 thoughts on “Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet

  1. Chris

    I’m wondering if they also obtained some sort of government grant for this idiocy ?

    Speaking of idiocy , Ted Wells’ next in depth report will be on the eating habits of the hump back whale . He wasn’t satisfied with his work concerning Deflate-Gate.

    Jameis Winston has now instructed his lawyer David Cornwell to issue a slander and libel suit against Erica Kinsman , the female he’s alleged to have raped . Winston’s story has continued to change far more than a baby’s diaper , where that child continues to mess themselves. I guess the Bucs’ new quarterback feels his reputation is still being impugned ? LOL,LOL,LOL !!!

  2. It’s an aggressive approach, Al.

    I guess their grounds is that her claims hindered Winston’s ability to cash in on his marketability.

    I guess we’ll see how this whole thing shakes out.

  3. Winston and his lawyers have repeatedly changed their story concerning the alleged incident. Never mind the incompetency shown by Tallahassee Police Dept.

    So Pacquiao’s promoter Bob Arum is now crying like a ##tch , because he says Mayweather is unwilling to make a rematch happen ? Why the hell is a rematch needed, when the first bout was a unanimous decision ?

  4. Put a chip in Bryce Harper to see how many chicks he’s banging while crushing a home run every 5 minutes. Put a chip in Winston to see how many chicks HE’S banging with all that new money. Put a chip in tophatel to see how many times he busts Goodell’s nuts (just kidding – ain’t starting anything). Put a chip in SC to see how many times he lost money betting on tennis, etc……

  5. Al…

    It’s evident they’re trying to clear his name. It’s a lawyer’s tactic. If they do nothing, it makes it appear that Winston is guilty. This way, even by initiating the suit, the public thinks he has nothing to hide.

    Of course none of this has anything to do with the truth and what actually happened that night.

    And why is another fight between Mayweather and Pacquiao? Three reasons: $ $ $

  6. Let’s see – do I want to be LeBron having to hit a throw it in jumper to win the Bulls game or Rickie Fowler hitting a stuff it in there iron to win the Players followed by a hotel room with his hottie (this internet thing is pretty cool with it’s replays and pics, eh)? I’m guessing Fowler, but either way, they both made more money yesterday than I will this year (and several more for that matter). At least SC has given me a way to be a sarcastic wit. Maybe I should start my own blog? Oh, and my 13 yo batted .500 this weekend in a major kid’s baseball tourney. Sports…love it or hate it – it keeps your weekends busy. Back to work to get some rest (and try to catch up with Bron on the cash).

  7. I’m surprised PETA hasn’t filed suit for them tagging it.

    Maybe we should tag Michael Moore’s morbidly obese earlobe to try and track that fat bastard and maybe save a few cheeseburgers for the rest of mankind.

  8. Chris

    They’re trying to clear his name (Brady’s ) alright with the type of punishment a spoiled child would laugh at . A four-game suspension , $1,000,000 fine draft picks to be given up with a first round pick in 2016 and fourth round pick in 2017 . If that’s the balls the NFL hierarchy is said to be possess, then a pre-op Bruce Jenner must feel there’s hope for him yet . Even if he gives up his junk and balls , he’ll still have more than the entire NFL leadership put together . The Patriots gross in excess of $180 million a year and $1 million fine, is the best the league can come up with ? They are a bunch of f$cking morons (hierarchy) led by Roger Goodell .

    Given the fact the AFC East is such a week division, even if the Pats go 2-2 in their first four games , they could still end up winning the division.

    Is this Goodell’s way of repaying Bob Kraft for backing him getting the Commissioner’s position ?

    Pivotal game six tonight for the Bolts, in the Stanley Cup Eastern Conference Finals .

    Is it me, but are the Golden State Warriors and Atlanta Hawks looking to play their way out of the NBA Playoffs, with their lackluster displays in the conference semifinals ?

    Don’t look now, but the Cavaliers have a tough task on their hands . So much LBJ and Cleveland being able to carve their way through the conference during the playoffs .

  9. Congrats on the kiddo, Moose.

    Now all you need is for him to grow up and make BronBron/Fowler money so you can buck for early retirement.

    And your sarcasm and wit is always welcome here.

  10. Not sure what to tell you about the Brady suspension, Al, other than the fact that if the Pats get caught for yet another violation after this, the league needs to come down REAL hard. How many times can this team cheat and have the league slap them on the wrist? Not that a million dollar fine and loss of draft picks is a slap on the wrist but what other recourse does the league have?

    You’re right. BIG Game Six Tuesday. Tampa’s fingers are crossed. It should have never come to this. Let’s see how good they are at finally closing the deal.

  11. So who really cares about a shark getting tagged? Some surfer who would get in the water anyways if there was a decent break? Much ado about nothing…

    Chump, Have you ever pondered that the mainstream news is really all about being “News to make girls afraid” ?? It seems to me, a devout non-worrier, that the stories keep getting lamer every year but the females of our great nation just eat it up hook, line and sinker.

    And then whatever gets under their hackles we deftly sweep under the rug until the next time it needs trotted out to scare them.

    Maybe I’m too callous in my old age… nah I was always this way

  12. Thanks SC for the kudos. Kid sports are always the best if the parents get out the way. Of course it helps if your kid is among the best – makes it a little easier to stay out of the fray. The funny thing to me is that as much as I love sports, I don’t understand the obsession with defining athletes with what they did yesterday / today. Maybe I’m jaded, but me & my kids (and I have all-state high school older kids) don’t worship pro athletes, we appreciate their talents and move on. Patriots for example: they are good with or without the current drama – give them a punishment and move on. Another example: Blake Griffin was overrated according to the talking heads after the first series with the Spurs because Duncan schooled him, now he’s the only reason they are still hanging around if you listen to the TV. They are what they are – very talented guys who have to play against other talented and/or motivated guys. Just ranting…..

  13. Tree….

    I’m gonna shift the blame to the men of this country.

    If any of the men ’round these parts knew how to keep their women properly occupied and entertained, they wouldn’t be eating that stuff up like they do.

    Who am I kidding? Of course they would.

  14. Rant away, Moose.

    But first consider you and your family in the level-headed minority.

    We live in a reactionary world. Heck, I’m equally as guilty at times.

    Blake Griffin has improved his game but he’ll never be Timmy. No way, no how. But his team did best the Spurs in that series so on they move. I mean, Tim does have about 13 years on the guy and he was never the ‘athlete’ Blake was anyway so it wasn’t all that surprising.

    Either way, I’m not so sure we saw a passing of the torch so to speak. I’m just hoping fundamentals in the modern (and future) game don’t entirely fall by the wayside.

    That wouldn’t make for very watchable basketball.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*