Let ‘em in, let ‘em all in: SportsChump plays Commissioner for a day

I am here to provide closure for baseball fans once and for all.  You can thank me later.

Today, I am going to grant myself one wish and one wish only.  Of course, if I actually stumbled onto a genie’s lamp, becoming Major League Baseball’s commissioner for a day would not be at the top of my request list.  I’d probably ask for a million dollars or something far more useful but for the sake of this post and the future health of the sport, I’ll make an exception.

Commissioner ManfredBaseball’s recent history is in dire need of repair.  After much deliberation, I have decided I’m the man for the job.

As commissioner for a day, I vow to finally resolve the steroid scandal, putting the entire thing behind us and providing any fan who watched the game from 1986 to 2012 the closure they desperately desire and deserve.

And this is how I do it.  Commissioner Manfred, you may want to pay attention.

I only have one full work day to fix the mess the sport created.  The buck stops with me.  There will be no more pussyfooting around about who took what, when and why.  Furthermore, and listen carefully, there will be no more exclusion from the Hall of Fame for those who used performance enhancing drugs.

And WAIT… before you hardcore traditionalists click off the page in disgust, here me out.

I am here to grant amnesty.  All I ask for in return is the truth.

I will call each and every athlete who made an impact on the sport during that time into my office individually.  (We might be putting in a little overtime today, gentlemen!)  I will ask each of them whether they ingested any sort of performance enhancing substance while in the league.  We have no real estimate as to how many players were using during that time but some claim the number could be 50, 60 or 70%… perhaps even higher.

We will no longer sweep this problem under the rug.  The truth shall set us free.

Rogers Day in courtFirst into my office will be the big names: Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, etc.  These are players whose statistics warrant first ballot acceptance.  As Commissioner, I will grant them that in exchange for coming clean… about everything.  I want every last detail.

In exchange for their confession, I will give them a bust in Cooperstown with their name on it.  It’s the only way to be sure.

That way, we can finally move on.

Unfair, you suggest?  They cheated the game, you say?  I’ll tell you what’s unfair.  It’s unfair to keep the fan that spends his hard-earned money in waiting.  This way, we know the truth once and for all.  Players who used and put up worthwhile numbers will be voted into the Hall.  A syringe into the rear is no longer grounds for ostracism.  Instead, the price they pay will be the stigma attached to using performance enhancing drugs to get there.  There will be no cheaters wing, no asterisks and no second guessing.  Only the court of public opinion on their legacy.

Unfair to the players who played clean, you say?  To those (likely very few) players, I suggest those sportswriters who vote on entry into the Hall measure their successes accordingly.  And if those players do not get voted in, at least their clean conscious will allow them to sleep peacefully at night.

Finally, all those who used steroids will be required to travel to schools around the country, meeting with today’s youth and warning them about the dangers of using performance enhancers at an early age.  Trust me, as technology advances, so will the drugs that kids ingest and the desire to use them.  Making amends with today’s youth is the only way to ensure the sport proceeds on the right path.

Gentlemen, it’s time to reap what we’ve sewn and put the past behind us.

If you’ve got a better answer, I’m all ears.

15 thoughts on “Let ‘em in, let ‘em all in: SportsChump plays Commissioner for a day

  1. Isn’t Rob Manfred contemplating having Selig’s name introduced as a nominee for the Hall of Fame ? That’s how idiotic and out of touch with reality MLB has now become . The same scenario can also be applied to the NFL under Goodell’s tenure.

    Check out my latest ode and let me know what you think .

  2. Here are some key points, Al.

    The Hall of Fame is already filled with drug users, racists and the like.

    Selig will find his way in. We can bitch about it all we want but the guy commissioned the sports for twenty some odd years. It makes no sense to even waste breath on it.

    Whereas getting to the Hall was once a huge honor, I’d say that’s been diminished over the years. We’ve got some of the best players in the game who are left out so what’s the point.

    I’d rather have them in and the truth than have neither of the two.

  3. I wish you could have this job… you’d be GREAT!

    Terrific post SC! You are so right… baseball needs to get over it …past it … as they are turning off & turning away fans.

    I remember back-in-the-day when it WAS the ONLY sport in most households. Yr Grandfather loved it (White Sox) … as did yr Gram (go BoSox)… and you know I loved me some “Miracle Mets.” Those were the days.

    Go git ’em Commish! xo 🙂

  4. rules are rules
    if you were caught cheating, you should have zero recourse
    shoeless joe and pete rose knew the consequences, and continue to pay for breaking the rules
    there is no justification, no gray area; you either cheated or you did not cheat
    now if you were suspected but not caught; then it should leave it up to the voters… who, imo, have done a good job thus far

    but enough of that
    if you’re gonna be commish chumpy, i have a couple of of more pressing needs to be fixed…

    1. abolish the dh
    – pitchers should have to hit; that way if you choose to plunk someone, you run the risk of getting one in your ear
    – also allows al managers to think about double-switch strategies, and use there relievers more judiciously

    2. retract interleague play and the unbalanced schedule
    – send the astros back to the nl
    – each team plays every team in their league and equal amount of times

    3. revoke instant replay
    – it slows down the game and the idiots in new york still can’t get it right
    – better idea; have six umpires every game
    – also, umpires have performance reviews and are rewarded/penalized based on said performance

    4. extend the trade deadline to 8/31
    – with the addition of wild card series, the season now extends into november
    – and speaking of which…

    5. do away with the wild card one-game “play in” game
    – after 162 games, a one game playoff is stupid and completely random
    – teams have to decide whether to use their ace or save him if they advance
    – better idea; expand the wild card to three teams, and let those teams face off against the division winners
    – and make all the series seven games

    feel free to use my ideas and take full credit for them chumpy
    i care not for recognition, but only the game i love to get it right

  5. Been to Cooperstown and the HOF and while it was interesting for a few minutes, I didn’t need them to tell me that a player was great. My kids also didn’t care about Shoeless Joe Jackson and they wouldn’t know Mike Schmidt from the Prince of Wales. All they know about are the players of their generation that were great. I’ve ranted about this before but my kids (and myself) don’t look up to athletes as good guys, but we do recognize greatness even if they “cheated”. Let them in – tell what they did if you want to but put them in.

  6. Yaz…

    I was tackling the easy stuff.

    I’m gonna leave the Rose induction to someone else.

    Personally, I think gambling on the sport is a far worse crime than taking drugs to make oneself better… but that’s just me.

  7. M.O.S.

    I just figured I’d be in and out of that office in a day.

    That wouldn’t give the powers that be enough time to dig up any dirt. #toomanyexgirlfriends

  8. Damn, Irish.

    I wanna argue every one of those points.

    But prior to tackling them one by one, let’s define cheating. Neither Bonds nor Clemens ever failed a drug test, so by your logic let ’em in but not Palmeiro because he did? Just ’cause they didn’t fail a test doesn’t mean they didn’t take. They were just smarter, or at least more well-informed than the rest of the league.

    1) DH – I’m an American League guy so I’m a fan of the DH. I know, I know, I’m in the minority. But I’d rather see Papi play a few more years knocking balls out of Fenway than I would see some pitcher in the rotation that looks like he’s batting from the wrong side of the plate. The game needs offense and the DH rule differentiates the two leagues and adds strategy to the World Series. If I’m commish, I keep it.

    2) I think they finally got interleague right, by just having one or two interleague series a week instead of making it an event nobody gives a shit about. I’m all for balancing the league and perhaps retraction (Rays, yikes!) but at least now there’s five teams in every division. That’s one step in the right direction.

    3) I like instant replay. It just needs to be tweaked. I don’t want to see a pitcher getting robbed of a no-hitter and I don’t want to see teams win that shouldn’t. We’re human. We make mistakes. I’d like to have a few do-overs, if you know what I mean.

    4) Extending the trade deadline? Finally something we agree upon. I’ve never really understood it anyway. Aren’t there two? Then again, it probably exists to prevent against collusion.

    5) That one-game playoff, I, is one of the most watched games of the season. As much as it pains me to say this, that Bucky “Fuckin'” Dent game is one of the most memorable in the history of the game. Wait, did you say playoff expansion. I have a feeling the Commissioner’s office is listening. We’ll probably be seeing that in a few years.

  9. Moose…

    I went to Cooperstown as a wide-eyed kid, my only time there. It was a trip I’ll never forget.

    And you can’t prove Mike Schmidt is not the Prince of Wales.

    If he’s not, he’s certainly fucking royalty in Philadelphia.

  10. chumpy,

    guys who got caught are banned
    guys strongly suspected but not caught are up to the voters discretion (clemens/bonds)
    we’ll just have to agree to disagree on the dh
    also disagree on interleague
    if it were balanced schedule i might concur
    but if [for argument’s sake] my dodgers have to play the yankees/rays/tigers and the giants get the jays/indians/a’s it’s totally unfair and shouldn’t count in the standings
    i’ll concur with instant replay only if i get unlimited mulligans on the golf course
    glad we agree on extending the trade deadline
    currently there are two
    the 7/31 deadline allows you to make any trade with any team
    the 8/31 deadline still allows you to make trades, but all players involved must clear waivers…
    – let’s say [again for arguments sake] you want to trade longoria to the cardinals for matt holliday
    – and let’s say the red sox jump in and claim longoria to block the trade
    – you can either pull longoria back, or let the red sox take him
    come on chumpy, almost every postseason game would qualify as one of the most watched games of the season
    still contend it’s not fair after 162 games
    i would say let them battle it out for longer, but that we be unfair for the other teams to remain idle

  11. I don’t care if it’s (Hall of Fame) filled with drug users and abusers. All of this pus$y footing and $$cking apathy by fans merely , because Pete Rose isn’t in ? WTF ! Let me pose this question Rose denied repeatedly he never ever bet on the game and then suddenly he admits to it while a manager . Rules rules but herein lies the question . If he bet on the games as a manager who’s to say he didn’t do so as a player ? His act of is simply built on the fact he feels he’s served time for being a pariah .

    Furthermore, the Hall of Fame remains a joke , considering how the nominees are put up for selection with the exception of those deemed eligible by the Veterans’ Committee of the BBWAA . MLB hierarchy, places the names of the players , with their having met eligibility requirements ? LOL,LOL,LOL !!!! I hear the Vatican will be using the same ideas in how they deal with their pedophile priests, if and when they choose not excommunicate them from the Church , The Conclave of Cardinals will simply vote on whether or they’re kept , by moving them to another diocese or simply thrown out altogether .

    Hypocrisy rules the roost and nowhere is it more evident than on the North American professional sports’ landscape . You haven’t got leaders here among the hierarchies , simply a bunch of simple minded a#sholes and a plethora idiot fans .

  12. Here’s why I don’t think Pete should be in the Hall, Al, and you and I have debated this for years.

    He gambled on the sport and that’s really the cardinal sin in all of sports. If you have the power to throw a ball game, then why should any of us watch/ What you now have is professional wrestling where the outcome of each match is predetermined.

    Rose swears, and most everyone believes him because of his competitive nature, that he never bet on this team to lose, only to win. But if the guy was a gambling addict, then why would he not gamble on his team to lose and then ensure a winning wager.

    Like with any addiction, it’s a slippery slope.

  13. An asterisk is in order, but other than that…Call me Paul McCartney cause I say – Let Em In.

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