SportsChump succumbs to Fantasy Football demands; requests helping hand from readers

“I’ve become what I despise.”

-Nick Nolte as Coach Pete Bell in Blue Chips

After all these years, I’ve finally given in.

I don’t know how many times I’ve written about how much I don’t care for fantasy football.  In fact, my “Woman’s Guide to Coping with Fantasy Football Addicts” piece, originally published in Campus Talk magazine many moons ago, predates this very website.

Griffin footballIn a nutshell, I’ve just always felt that fantasy football takes away from cheering for the teams we grew up rooting for.  It individualizes a team sport.  Don’t get me wrong, I love football.  I’d just rather wager outright on the games themselves.  Not to mention that from September to December you see nothing but seemingly, mature individuals obsess about the importance of a second string kicker.  It overwhelms every conversation, a nation of addictive personalities talking about a team that doesn’t even exist.

I had always considered myself a man of more substance.  For all intents and purposes, fantasy football leagues are comprised of chicken wing-chewing, trash-spewing, waistline-busting Neanderthals who, deep down inside, think they could run a football team better than the general managers who are paid millions to actually do so.

Well, this year, consider me one of those Neanderthals.  Me like-um football.

When the Ice Cream Man and his cast of stoners, er… young urban professionals asked me to join their fantasy league, I gave in to temptation.  Consider it my moment of weakness.   Believe it or not, this will actually be the first time I’ve engaged in fantasy football for money.  I’ve participated in some minor Yahoo leagues for fun over the years but I generally lose interest (ADD) or forget to check my lineup (CRS) after Week Three.  I mean, one does have a life.

This time around, with some relatively serious money on the line, I’ve succumbed to the same societal demands of fantasy foolishness that draw over thirty million fans a year.

So I decided, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?  Besides, these are a pretty cool bunch of guys.

fantasy football shirtI solemnly promise not to become that person who bores you with how many points his lineup earned that week.  We have more important things to talk about.  But I am asking for your help.  After all, I have an army of knowledgeable sports readers to pull from.

I need some fantasy tips, people, and some quality advice.  Aside from doing whatever I can to draft Andrew Luck (do you think liquoring up the Commissioner will work?), what are some draft tips I should employ to prepare for a lucrative season?  While healthy trash-talking is always fun, I’m still in this to win this.

I understand the general principles behind drafting a well-rounded roster but what are some other helpful hints I should be aware of?  Help me out, gang.

And when it’s all said and done and I’m standing on the podium at the end of the season, I promise to represent SportsChump Nation proudly…. with a trophy in one hand and a half eaten chicken wing in the other.

22 thoughts on “SportsChump succumbs to Fantasy Football demands; requests helping hand from readers

  1. One year… Early on… I joined (during their respective seasons) both an MLB and then an NFL fantasy league… it became an obsession. It was like a religion. I’m a pretty structured person as it is but this stuff took me way over the top! I found myself whenever I had a free moment pouring over injury reports and/or who was available to replace under productive players. Then I had to consider who I was competing against. Where they found the time to properly coordinate their normal life activities and their fantasy teams was beyond me. It literally wore me down. I ended up doing self-analysis concerning why I was so uptight and I was participating in so-called “friendly” leagues… After that first year’s experience I’ve completely passed on the ball sport fantasy leagues. Today I participate in NASCAR fantasy leagues and am not nearly as conscientious about it and it’s enjoyable…
    You have fun trying to keep up with your buds… But never forget… Every single one of them carries a switch blade and they know how to use it! LOL!

  2. That’s funny, Dwin, yet oddly disturbing.

    And yes, I hope everyone knows I was joking when I said in the post that I promise not to talk about my fantasy league. I see obsession in my future as well.

    I half joined the league to come up with some interesting material for the upcoming football season. I also have a few other ideas in store.

    These are an odd bunch of characters so we’ll see what happens. Plus they’ve been doing it for years and I’m the newbie.

    So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what the Chump has in store.

    Hopefully, some W’s.

  3. Two things I simply can’t wrap my head around , Fantasy Football and NASCAR .

    So the second round of The Open , became something of a farce. Dustin Johnson leads the field , with Jordan Spieth (14th) still within five shots of the lead ?

    Tiger Woods among the notables who missed the cut.

  4. And Dwin…

    I’ll make sure they install a metal detector at the doorway of the draft hall just in case.

    I can probably just borrow one from any high school around the nation.

  5. Al…

    I get that we’re both against fantasy football. I’m really only doing it this year because a good friend asked me to and I like the guys in the league.

    Re: NASCAR, well, the LugNuts try their best with me but I think they’ve given up hope.

    Besides, Al, you live in Polk County. NASCAR is a religion there. By now you should have become a fan by association. It’s in the water.

    And another early weekend for Tiger. Not surprised here.

  6. I’d rather go to the opera than indulge into pools that make Churchill Downs’ take miniscule. Sorry Chris I can’t help.

  7. Sorry they finally took you down – your buddies probably have a side bet on who your first pick will be. I tried fantasy football for about 3 weeks umpteen years ago & like Dwin above, it didn’t take long to figure out that I didn’t have the time or inclination to check every individual match-up coming for me in the next week. It took the fun out of watching good football. That said, I can’t give any advice – good luck though.

  8. Bets…

    That’s always been my take on fantasy football.

    Hey, let me ask you something.

    I’m considering conducting a little NFL experiment this season which would entail putting $10 a week on every NFL dog money line and seeing what happens.

    Think that’s a loser?

  9. That’s been another problem, Moose.

    Who has the time for all this madness?

    So much of a fantasy team’s success is based on pure luck anyway.

  10. I love the NFL, but most of my fantasies involve bunnies at the Playboy mansion grotto, not bulked up sweaty dudes in helmets…But, to each his own…

  11. Chris

    I can now drape myself in the Confederate flag and swear my allegiance to South then ? NASCAR is about all inclusive with regard to minorities and as welcoming to minorities as a Jews or African American might be welcomed at a Klan meeting .

    Polk County is like the wart on an elephant’s @ss , with simply nothing going for it, other than it being the headquarters for Publix .

    I believe Tiger will now undergo another sexual strenuous workout with a nubile female physical therapist. It’s what actually led to his breakup with Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn. He wanted someone to get on the end of his pole, rather than his playing with Lindsey’s ski poles . Woods’ game has gone to hell , and his talking about him knowing what’s wrong with his golf game is akin to taking advice from Sarah Palin with her ideas on economic and foreign policy. Both are delusional and without an iota of common sense.

  12. Chris, I have said for several years one of the dumbest things I spend time on is fantasy football. Since I have been doing it now since 1998 and had four – count ’em – four teams last year…and also served as a commissioner on several occasions in my “history”…you can see how dumb I am…but I love it nonetheless. The wife loves it also. I will email you with some suggestions…actually a defending champ in one of those four leagues last year. (We shall not discuss the other three leagues…)

  13. Burnsy…

    I got your email and plan on giving it a healthy read. Thanks for taking the time.

    But dude, I can’t believe you keep track of all your teams’ records. Wait, did I just say that for everyone else to read?

    Either way, when I take this thing down, I promised to give you your proper due.

  14. Shit man, I wish…That’s why it’s still a fantasy.

    …Great.
    Yet another spelling shortcut to remember now…
    R before E except after Chumph

  15. Pingback: Midnight Meat Train derailed: A tale of fantasy, heartbreak and a season lost by a single point | Sports Chump

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