Jay’s Bad Night – A One Act, One Man Play

Ladies and gentlemen, I once again proudly present the demented mind of Dr Milhouse…

[Fade in on what is obviously a teenage boy’s bedroom. Empty Pepsi cans litter the floor, posters of various Redskins legends adorn the walls, with a bed (without a frame) in the center in front of a large TV. JAY walks in, shrugging off his jacket.]

JayJAY: God Mom, I told you I’d be down for dinner later. Lemme just play one game. I waited in line an hour for my copy! XBOX ON!

[The XBox One comes to life and Madden 2016 springs to life. A picture of Odell Beckham Jr. flashes across the screen as Jay begins fiddling with the controls]

JAY: Okay, let’s try an Exhibition Mode game just to get familiar with the controls. Redskins, obviously…but against who? Let’s hit Random….okay, the Lions!

A game slowly begins as we fade in on RFK Stadium. The announcers go through the motions introducing the game as Jay flips through the instruction book]

JAY: Okay, so A is to hike the ball….I’ll figure out the rest, whatever. RG3 will just run all over them anyway. SUPER BOWL, BABY! WE’RE GOING 16-0!!!

[A brief pause as Jay realizes a mistake]

JAY: Wait….did I put the settings on Hall of Fame instead of Easy? Ah, whatever, it’ll be okay. I mean…it’s Detroit. What can they possibly do?

JAY: Oh c’mon ref! That was a late hit! Throw a flag or something! The linesman didn’t even block for him!

JAY: OH COME OFF IT! I TOTALLY HIT THE JUKE BUTTON! The game’s cheating!

JAY: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! FORGET THIS! MOM, WHEN’S DINNER? XBOX OFF!

[The XBox One slowly shuts down as the last image on the screen is Robert Griffin III being carried out of the game on a stretcher]

 

15 thoughts on “Jay’s Bad Night – A One Act, One Man Play

  1. I think what the good doctor is trying to say here, and perhaps I’m reading between the lines a little too much, is that Jay Gruden might be a touch ill-equipped to coach an NFL team.

    But then again we are talking about the Washington Redskins so I guess it’s okay.

  2. The ‘skins have a quarterback but they’re too afraid to pay or play him because of the RG III entourage will actually get upset. What does it tell you when both Kirk Cousins and Colt McCoy had better statistics than Griffin in 2014 ? Native Americans are still offended by the name Redskins being associated with the various tribes around the nation and it easy to understand why , given how mediocre the franchise remains.

  3. Where’s Jason Campbell when you need him? Or maybe Donovan McNabb is ready to come out of retirement?

  4. Thanks for that, J-Dub.

    We need some reporter to ask Spurrier what he thinks of the current state of the ‘Skins and what he thought of Jay leaving RGIII out there a quarter too long.

    Nothing like the long, quippy arm of the Ol Ball Coach to send a zinger from a few hundred miles away.

  5. Moose…

    Just the fact that those two would even be considered options, however comical, show how bad things are in the nation’s capitol.

    And where is Jason Campbell?

  6. Last night someone said RGIII had a concussion…today someone is saying his offensive line doesn’t much care for protecting him getting future ones. This franchise is a hot mess. Call Heath Shuler. Stat.

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