So I get this email from a friend, you know the one, Dr. Everything will be alright.
He proposes a collaboration between me and some of his other cyber-dwelling hoodlums.
In said email, he asks us to list simply “the five worst fans bases in the NFL.” Always eager to speak my mind, I offer my participation in the process.
He knows I live in Tampa so I just assumed he was taking a shot at me considering I live in an area that might contain one of those lackluster fan bases. Who better to comment on said woes of his local team than a man who considers himself a diehard fan yet only goes to a game or two a season.
However, here’s where miscommunication comes into play. What if he meant worst in a different way?
It doesn’t take a brain trust of football fans to agree that Philadelphia Eagles fans are the most obnoxious of all based on their general attitude, décor, cholesterol level, waist line and hellacious beer and braut breath. A bag full of batteries is required dress for home games so it takes little ingenuity to arrive at that conclusion.
Surely, J-Dub meant something more.
So I took “worst” to mean the fan bases which care the least about their teams. Eagles fans are intolerable but at least they give a fuck. Wouldn’t it be worse if they didn’t?
So sue me if I misunderstood the directions. There seems to be plenty of that going on in the NFL these days so why not join the club.
According to how I (mis)understood the instructions, here are the five ‘worst’ fan bases in the NFL.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
All things considered, the Buccaneers haven’t given their fan base anything to cheer about recently but that should never stop us from going to games. It has. Remember that whole blackout thing the league used to have a few years back? It was all part of Roger Goodell’s master plan to get people into the stadium by NOT exposing their fan bases to them on television. No one at the NFL head office took into account that a) we were in the middle of a recession at the time and b) it is a sauna-like 120 degrees here in the Sunshine State in September and October. That being said, I can’t help but think of all the freaks in the Midwest who stare hypothermia in the face when they attend games shirtless, a far truer sign of fan dedication. Sure they have considerably more waist padding to keep them warm… but they still go and that’s the point. Bucs fans don’t. Don’t get me wrong. We love our Bucs here in Tampa Bay and we’d be hell bent if the team ever left but I’m pretty sure we’d find another way to occupy our Sundays. For that reason, I’d have to consider my own Tampa Bay Buccaneer fan base as one of the worst in the NFL. Sorry, guys. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Have you ever met a Chargers fan? I’m 47 years old and have known one Chargers fan my entire life. (You’re welcome for the shout out, Steve McQueen). Here’s what I don’t get about San Diego. Year after year, we hear rumors that this team is packing up and moving to a city two hours to the north, where nobody gives a shit about football, and we don’t hear any uproar about it. When the Sacramento Kings of the NBA threatened to move, the entire city protested. Instead, San Diego’s pulling a Seattle. I think they’d be more upset if they moved their zoo and why not, it attracts more people and is far more entertaining. One would think that in this day and age, with all an NFL franchise brings to a community, moving one would cause the locals to be a bit upset. Maybe San Diegans suffer from enough Los Angeles envy that they just assume relocation is a foregone conclusion. Take my team, please.
Remember the days when there was only one NFL team in Florida? Now there’s none. Just kidding, there are three. They just all suck. Remember the days when the Jacksonville Jaguars were relevant? That was also quite a while ago. I was living in North Florida when Jacksonville was awarded that team. Back then, it was a novelty. Now it’s downright pathetic. There are far more college football fans living in Jacksonville than there are Jaguars fans. Don’t believe me? The biggest football game played in that stadium every year is the one between Florida and Georgia. Heck, even the talent on the field that day is better than when the Jags play. Tim Tebow is more popular in Jacksonville than the Jaguars are. Going to a Jaguars game on Sunday is like hitting a mall that’s filled with nothing but sales racks. I’m honestly more surprised this team isn’t the one the NFL is looking to move to Los Angeles.
ST. LOUIS RAMS
I have to consider the St. Louis Rams in the same boat as the Chargers… except worse. I mean, how many times can a city lose a football team? That movie “She’s Just Not That Into You” was originally about the good people of St. Louis and their Rams. The Rams originally moved from Cleveland to L.A. in 1946, then to Anaheim in 1980, then to St. Louis in 1995 where they had a fair amount of success winning two Super Bowls. They’re still there, for now. The city also hosted the St. Louis (football) Cardinals who played in that town from 1960-1987. So the Rams leaving St. Louis to head BACK to Los Angeles would make HOW MANY times the city had lost a football team? I need a scorecard for this turnstile. St. Louis is a baseball town, plain and simple. Their baseball team consistently draws the top number of fans in the league. Their football teams rank near the bottom. Like baseball in Tampa Bay, maybe football in St. Louis just wasn’t meant to be.
I hate to do this, I really do, but it’s going to take more than a little bit of eyeliner, some spiked shoulder pads and occasionally pissing on a visiting Dolphins fan to convince me you’re one of the more dedicated fan bases in the country. Otherwise, why are the Raiders once again linked to relocating to Los Angeles? Are you sensing a theme here? If only Los Angeles didn’t exist, we’d have a number of towns that could watch their football teams in peace without worrying that they might choose the more handsome option. Raider fans are dedicated but I challenge you to have a conversation with one of them where they don’t bring up Tom Flores, John Madden or Bo Jackson. You can’t blame them. It’s not like the ghost of Al Davis has given them anything to root for. They haven’t finished over .500 in 14 years. I mean, this is a team that once named Lane Kiffin as their head coach. If that’s not enough to make a fan jump ship, then I don’t know what is.
Dubsism contributor JFI’s Five Worst NFL Fan Bases
5) New England Patriots
This doesn’t apply to anybody who can name the Patriots starting quarterback BEFORE Tom Brady, or who can describe in 25 words or less how Brady got the starting job, or without using Google can explain who Mosi Tatupu was. This is actually all about the band-wagon jumpers and the “pink-hats,” all of whom think the NFL was founded in 2001, and therefore never suffered as real Patriot fans through crap like the Dick MacPherson era. If you need to do so, feel free to Google that reference. Look up “Ron Meyer” while you’re at it.
Then, go fuck yourself.
4) Seattle Seahawks
Another collection of “Johnny Come-Latelies.” Where the hell were all of you before Pete Carroll hit town? I’ll tell you. You were hanging out at Starbucks fondly remembering the days when Ken Griffey, Jr. was your quarterback. I’ll consider letting you off the hook if you knew the Seahawks used to be in the AFC, and I’ll definitely let you off the hook if the mention of the name “Rick Mirer” sends you straight to the restroom.
3) Chicago Bears
Would you like to know how you can tell when the Bears are mediocre without even looking? Just listen to every Bears fan on the face of the planet shouting shit about going to the Super Bowl. That’s when they are 7-9. God help us all if the Bears win 10 games in a season; you’ll think that team is going to find the cure for cancer, collectively walk across a lake to heal an injured swan, and when they can find the time from generally saving us all from dying in piles of our own filth, win the next forty Super Bowls.
2) Indianapolis Colts
There’s two reasons why Colts fans sound just like Bears fans when it comes to over-estimating how good their team is. One is that the Colts are never that good, but their fans don’t know any better. Two is that twenty years ago, most of the morons who now call themselves Colts fans were calling themselves Bears fans. Here’s hoping they all get genital warts.
I’ve also mentioned what major cry-babies Colts fans are. If the Patriots were any more in their heads, Colts fans would be shitting tri-corner hats.
1) Pittsburgh Steelers
Steelers fans are easily the most obnoxious fans in the league. They love Bill Cowher, despite the fact he lost four AFC Championship games. At home. In games in which his team was favored. Let that sink in for a minute. LOST. AT HOME. IN GAMES IN WHICH HIS TEAM WAS FAVORED.
Another steaming pile of bullshit is about how well Steelers fans travel. Well, no fucking wonder they travel. If you lived in a shit-hole like Pittsburgh, you’d be looking for any reason you could to leave. If Calcutta had an NFL franchise, I bet their fans would love to travel as well. Who wouldn’t love to have breakfast next to something that wasn’t a rotting corpse?
J-Dub’s Five Worst NFL Fan Bases
5) Oakland Raiders
As an Eagles fan, you would think this has to do with that fucking Super Bowl in New Orleans. Actually, this has more to do with having to deal with Raiders fans when they moved to Los Angeles. That was when they made the transmogrification from loyal fans in Oakland to festooned weirdos in the Southland. Sadly, that weirdoism followed them back to Oakland, where thankfully they have become the “North Korea” of the NFL; bizarre yet insignificant. Worse yet, most Raiders fans wish they were 49ers fans.
4) San Francisco 49ers
If you look up “fair-weather fan” in the dictionary, you’ll see an alphabetical listing of 49ers fans. When the 49ers are winning, the stadium fills up with Joe Montana jersey-wearing, BMW-driving, “yuppie” scumbags who think a football game is the perfect place to have white wine and sushi. If the 49ers are losing, the stadium fills up with Raiders fans looking to roll those same 49ers fans who think they are actually at a Giants game.
3) Indianapolis Colts
Of all the fans in the NFL, Indianapolis Colts fans are the least knowledgeable about football. Their recent crying over Reggie Wayne signing with the Patriots is proof positive. They bounced right into a series of bizarre conspiracy theories, all the while ignoring the fact that Wayne’s tank hit “E” about 18 months ago. Of course, none of the Horseshoe Heads noticed that Wayne requested, and the Patriots granted, his release for just that reason. Indianapolis doesn’t deserve an NFL franchise, and the only reason they have one is because of the lying, drunken bum father of the current pill-head owner.
2) Minnesota Vikings
If Colts fans are the dumbest in the NFL, Viking fans are the whiniest. No team has lost more conference championship games than the Vikes, and no fans have created more excuses than Viking fans. The most recent example is actually one of the best. Vike fans hung their horned helmets on the “fact” that the New Orleans Saints played “bounty-ball” against Brett Favre, completely ignoring the fact the Purple committed five…count ’em FIVE…turnovers.
On top of all that, nobody has a bigger infatuation with old, used-up players than do Viking fans. Just look at the list of quarterbacks the Vikes have trotted out in the last 25 years.
1) Dallas Cowboys
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. As a Philadelphia Eagle fan, I thank God every day for Jerry Jones. Nobody has done a better job of keeping the Cowboys mediocre for two decades. Too bad nobody told their fans they aren’t any good. Meehan thinks they can make the NFC Championship game this year, but then again, Meehan smokes roofing tar and chuffs Raid.
There’s nobody more obnoxious than a Cowboys fan. There are always running their mouths about Super Bowls despite the fact they haven’t won one in twenty years. In fact, that number of decades matches the number of play-off wins the Plowboys have had in that time. But that still doesn’t silence the star-wearers. Wearing that stupid star obviously lowers ones’ I.Q. by about 40%, as is evidenced by the fact that the typical Cowboy fan will tell you how much Tony Romo sucks while adorned in a Tony Romo jersey.
Mrs. J-Dub’s Five Worst NFL Fan Bases
5) Indianapolis Colts
My husband has said this a million times, and it never gets any less true. The easiest way to spot a Colts fan is from their Denver Broncos Peyton Manning jerseys. The Colts fan base are such band-wagon types they don’t understand how wrong is was to wear all that orange shit when the Manning-led Broncos came to Indy. I’ll bet a lot of them didn’t even know where the game was; they probably spent half a day wandering around downtown Indianapolis looking for the RCA Dome.
Worse yet are tall the dumb-ass women wearing Colts gear here in Indiana who know know shit about football. They give women like me, the defending champion of our fantasy football league, a bad name because the re-enforce the stereotype that no women know anything about sports. Not all of us work for ESPN; several of us can actually explain the “infield fly rule” if we must. But that is baseball; this is about lousy football fans.
4) Denver Broncos
From Peyton Manning’s old team to his current one. Being in Indiana, I got a steady diet of “Manning Worship,” until J-Dub became the heretic who would only refer to St. Peyton as “Fetushead.” Now that Peyton and his horribly misshapen head have moved west, I can see him for the control freak, bad decision making choke artist he really is. I don’t know how Broncos fans don’t see that this guy starts out great in September, and by December, he looks like he needs a Hoverround. I guess that’s why they are Broncos fans, they love egomaniac quarterbacks; that’s why they keep John Elway around.
3) Chicago Bears
The Bears were fun to watch once and that was thirty years ago. Earlier I mentioned fantasy football, and because of Jay Cutler, I have nothing but scorn and derision for the Bears. At one point, I wanted to take Jay Cutler out in the woods and shoot him in the head like a dog with rabies.
2) Dallas Cowboys
There’s a Wings, Etc. commercial which perfectly describes Cowboys fans.
Not only do they flip-flop on their own players, but they won’t shut up despite the fact they haven’t won anything since the Clinton administration. Twenty years ago you could talk about “everybody hates winners;” you can’t do that anymore. Now that Al Davis is dead, Jerry Jones is officially the NFL’s “Crazy Old Man.”
1) New England Patriots
This is a common problem amongst winners, but I’m surprised the Patriots’ band-wagon hasn’t snapped an axle from all the jumper-on-ers it has. You know, drunk, shirtless hambags who think screaming “FAAAAAAAAAHHHHCK!” is witty repartée. No wonder my husband says that twenty years ago, most of these buttholes were Jets fans.
But, just like what I said about the Colts…every time I see a woman in a pink Patriots hat, I just want to smack her in the face with a shovel. Gender aside, most Patriots fans couldn’t tell you a thing about the Patriots before the Brady-Belichick era.
Besides all that, this whole “Deflate-gate” thing seemed like there was a point where it was going to become “Goodfellas II.” Picture it…Tom Brady as Henry Hill and Robert Kraft as Jimmy Conway. Had that decision gone the other way, you knew Chris Mortensen was going to end up like “Johnny Roast Beef” in that pink Cadillac. Come on now, don’t tell me Aaron Hernandez doesn’t know where you can get a guy iced for three cigarettes.
From First Order Historians, Ryan Meehan’s Five Worst NFL Fan Bases
5) Green Bay Packers
Since I will mention the Chicago Bears later in this piece, fair is fair. I have to head a little bit further North to deal on the team that all too often lays claim to the fact that they won the first two Super Bowls. Look, we get it: You have been able to sustain a NFL franchise in a city that’s smaller than Davenport, Iowa and the citizens of Green Bay technically own the team.
Get the fuck out of here with that shit already. We constantly deal with you bringing up your history of excellence at every turn, and anybody that knows anything about football is already aware of all that stuff anyway. We get that you have one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and we also understand that Brett Favre is a legend. But we also get that he left you and eventually joined a division rival, probably because he was so sick of being pigeonholed as a Packer for life.
I thought bloggers had alcohol problems, but you Wisconsinites take the cake. Packers fans make Eagles fans (including J-Dub, who doesn’t drink like a fish, he actually drank the fucking fish) look like they just got their 6 month sobriety coin. Settle down with the booze for a month or so, and you just might realize you live in one of the shittiest places in America, and if you’re going to comeback at that one with bragging about how you can tough through the cold every winter I’m sure there’s a ton of people in Fairbanks, Alaska that would love to beat the shit out of you once you’re finished with that sap story.
4) Any team that now has, or has ever had Peyton Manning on their roster (Denver Broncos & Indianapolis Colts)
When the Broncos picked up Peyton Manning from Indianapolis, they had to have known that the guy who is so well-known for having impeccable regular season statistics, but also has more problems finishing the job in the playoffs than a gelding at a stud farm. The first year he was in Denver, it was the Ravens who got the best of him – at home, no less – and the year after that they got smoked in the Super Bowl by an underdog team that they simply couldn’t outsmart.
Then last year they were taken out by the Colts at home again, the team that decided they were ready to move on without Peyton Manning’s services to begin with. Colts fans seem to think that the world is their oyster: They always want to host the combine, and they don’t seem to concerned about defense which is the backbone of old school pro football.
3) Dallas Cowboys
Let’s face it: There’s no idea that’s more American than envying the upper one percent. And in that inner circle of assholes who will die with more money than most of us will see in a lifetime, Jerry Jones is someone between that Pakistani douchebag who owns the Jaguars and Donald Trump. He says that nothing less than Super Bowl wins are acceptable, yet every off-season he’s convinced that the team he’s got is going to do just that. But since the Michael Irvin era, that hasn’t happened, but it still trickles down to their incredibly dumb fan base that’s an embarrassment to a state that’s famous for obesity and executing mentally handicapped people.
I’ve also noticed from a lot of these Facebook groups that there is absolutely no shame in calling out this invisible theory of why there are so many Cowboys haters. Truth be told, I don’t hate on the Cowboys at all – I’m just tired of them taking up so much of the news cycle. The whole concept of “haters” isn’t real unless you’re a junior high school girl, yet these assbags continue to sell us on the idea that it’s us and not them who are responsible for their team’s persistent failures. We tried to get a hold of Troy Aikman to get his thoughts on this situation, but his publicist tells us it’s his main focus to finally make it through “Green Eggs and Ham” before the New Year, so he was unavailable for comment.
2) Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins fit right in with the rest of the Miami sports landscape – an amazing lack of passion. Their fans’ attitude is this: If they win, great, if they don’t, everybody goes to a Sunday afternoon wine-tasting and goes about their business. I actually attended a Dolphins pre-season game back at Joe Robbie Stadium, and it was about as far away from a real sports experience as you could possibly imagine. In addition to the uber-posh surroundings that typically don’t accompany a football game, I didn’t see any Cubans anywhere so the whole experience was very bizarre.
When you have a bunch of fans that aren’t particularly passionate about the game itself, believe it or not that attitude does spill out on to the field. If you don’t believe me, how else do you explain a franchise where Gloria Estefan and the ex-crystal meth addict chick from the Black Eyed Peas own a stake in a team that’s produced three straight 8-8 seasons? Mediocre expectations lead to mediocre play, which is exactly what we’ve seen out of the Dolphins over the past three decades.
1) Chicago Bears
Perhaps it’s just the location here, as I am only a few hours in a Ford Taurus away from what I will always believe is one of the most overrated cities in the entire world. The main reason that I can’t stand Bears fans is they bail the second their team is eliminated from play-off contention. They couldn’t give a fuck less about the other 31 teams in the league, and that’s proof they aren’t really football fans at all, more like mesomorphic mouth-breathers who swill beer through a straw made of kielbasa until they change back into their 4XL Blackhawks jerseys in January.
Not to mention, most of the time Bears fans are delusional because they are actually convinced their team isn’t shitty when it really is. As a New York Giants fan, I was always raised to expect the worst – Bears fans don’t have that same level of realistic humility. Every season is going to end with Jay Cutler finally leading their team to the promised land, and every conversation you have with one of these drunken morons at your local neighborhood shit-hole bar is going to include at least three references to how the 1985 Bears were “the greatest team to ever take the field.” Anytime they try to get you to snort a line of that shit, just politely remind them that the 2 quarterbacks they beat in Super Bowl XX were the University of Illinois’ own Tony Eason and Steve “Neck Roll” Grogan. Plus, outside of that game, the only other offensive touchdown they’ve scored in Super Bowl history was thrown by Rex “Fuck it, I’m Goin’ Deep” Grossman.
Sports With Neil’s Five Worst NFL Fan Bases
5) Philadelphia Eagles
This photo was taken at a charity softball game. True story.
These guys throw snowballs at Santa Claus. Need I say more?
Philadelphia has built a well earned reputation as being an awful place for opposing fans to go watch their team play. They hurl insults, knock food and beer out of your hands, and are all around general nuisances. It’s why they’ve earned a spot on this list. It’s even less of a wonder why their new stadium has a jail built right into it.
4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I have a question for you; what fan base in the NFL thinks its a good idea to place a FIRE HEADCOACH billboard (allegedly) a few blocks from said head coaches house? If you guessed the Tampa Bay Bucs, you’d be correct!
Was Schiano a disastrous choice to coach Tampa? Absolutely! Does that mean that fans can plant a sign like this somewhere near his house? Absolutely not.
3) San Francisco 49ers
Some of my friends went down to the Seahawks’ Thanksgiving game against the 49ers, they went to Levi Stadium wearing their Hawks gear. During the halftime break, one of the ladies in the group purchased some beer; as she was walking back to her seat, someone reached out across the aisle and hit the drink carrier out of her hands, spilling all of the beer onto the aisle. Talk about one hell of away to lose nearly $50 worth of beer.
If you don’t believe me, take a look at Niners Nation…that’ll teach you about how this fan base thinks. Now they aren’t just unwashed, banjo-picking weirdos. Now they’re also jerks.
2) Seattle Seahawks
I’m more than happy to have new fans jump on the bandwagon of my favorite teams — after all, it means that more money is going to be invested in the product and hopefully allow for it to be sustained for a longer period of time — but please, please check in to see who the best quarterback in franchise history is before you shoot your mouth off.
Also, stop freaking out about the preseason, it’s really annoying.
1) Dallas Cowboys
YOU’RE FAVORITE TEAM IS NOT AMERICA’S TEAM, AND IT NEVER WAS. SO SHUT-UP!