I sat at a bar I had never been to the other day. It was a cheesy, nothing special kind of place with tan, wooden booths and only beer and wine, no liquor. I was having a pint of the good stuff while waiting for the air conditioning in my car to be serviced at a garage around the corner. It’s Florida and summertime is looming. Trust me when I tell you that turning on an a/c unit that blows nothing but hot air is no way to spend an afternoon.
As I sat rewriting my thoughts on the NBA playoffs, I glanced up at the TV screen to find a soccer match. Like most Americans, I only watch soccer every four years. It’s my birthright to do just that; as U.S. citizens, we are exempt from watching sports we don’t play.
After a minute or two of watching said soccer match (they call them matches, right?), a player hit the ground after a collision with another, clearly feigning injury. ‘Round these parts, we call that flopping. Flopping also exists in the NBA, possibly but not entirely due to the influence of European players. The Association has done its best to prevent rampant flopping, going so far as to fine and even suspend players for crying foul when no foul exists.
But in soccer, flopping is as pervasive as ever. Just experience a soft whack to the face? Hit the ground in life-shattering agony. Did an opponent’s knee graze your groin? Better call an ambulance. Head butt to head butt? I hope your life insurance is up to date.
That got me thinking (Check out the big brain on Brad!), what if we could get what we want by flopping in other walks of life?
Let’s say for example, I’m strolling around the mall and a guy looks at me funny or comments on the fact that my shirt doesn’t match my pants. And I just hit the floor.
Or maybe my boss tells me to do something that I disagree with and I suddenly grab my forehead, writhing around, moaning in faux pain.
The flop is a surefire cry for attention and maybe even sympathy. Far too often it sways a ref’s call so what if we all used it to our gain?
What if I’m out to dinner and the waiter or waitress brings me the wrong dish? I fall over in my chair. A free meal would most certainly be in order. If soccer players can draw a yellow card in such fashion, certainly a manager can pick up my tab.
Want to meet an attractive girl who’s walking on the opposite side of the street? Stop, drop and roll. Be aggressive with your flailing too. She’s bound to come running and that has to be way cheaper than owning a puppy to meet girls. Plus you’re cleaning up a lot less poop.
Maybe these soccer stars are onto something by adhering every so strictly to their floppy wheel gets the grease mantra.
So in the future, if you walk into a local restaurant and find someone rolling around on the floor in pretend agony, don’t be alarmed. He’s just been reading my website.