Your official NFL Draft Primer

It happens every year.  As reliable as the sun setting in the west or Blake Griffin getting hurt in the playoffs, some soon-to-be millionaire does the most inexplicable thing, costing himself a well-established reputation and more importantly, a bundle of cold hard cash.

As soon as the final moments tick off the Super Bowl clock, ESPN, and countless other sources for all things NFL, prepare their mock drafts as if they have nothing else better to do.  As if any of these “legitimate” news sources have any idea who’s going to draft whom when every single NFL war room is clandestinely mums the word.

Anything can affect a college football player’s draft stock, both to his benefit and to his detriment.  This is high stakes poker at the highest level.  Some kid we’ve never heard of before rattles off a 4.3 40 and his draft value skyrockets overnight.  Run a slow one and it might spell doom.

More than anything else, bad publicity outside the combines can negatively affect the round in which you’re drafted and the money you’ll be making right out of the gate.  While the old saying goes there’s no such thing as bad press, tell that to Joe Mixon.  Screw up before draft night and you stand to lose big.

The NFL revised what it paid its rookies back in 2011 right after Sam Bradford proved first-handed the system was broken.  He cost the Rams $78 million without ever throwing a pass in the league.  Last time I checked, he’s still not allowed back in St. Louis.

Make no mistake about it, top draft picks still get paid.  They just don’t get paid Bradford money.  Last year’s number one draft pick, Jared Goff, ironically also a Ram, will make $28 million over the life of his initial contract.  Carson Wentz, selected number two overall, will make similar money.  Ezekiel Elliott, taken by the Cowboys at number three will make $26 million before he ever has to sign on the dotted line again.

Screwing up the reputation you worked so hard to build can put a healthy dent in that first paycheck.  Forbes reports that Laremy Tunsil cost himself nearly ten million dollars in 2016 when video of him smoking marijuana was found on Twitter.

Whoops!

I sure hope that was some good weed.

I was 22 once and did some pretty stupid shit – I still do but that’s beside the point – but if you are staring not only millions of dollars in the face but the opportunity to follow your dreams and play in the NFL, here’s a healthy tip.

DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID!

We here at SportsChump believe the children are our future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.  Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

I plan on doing just that with his helpful draft primer.  Following these simple steps won’t just make you a lot of money, it will ensure you don’t get slighted all over the media, or even worse, incarcerated.

1)      Don’t do anything stupid.  This is a catch-all rule already stated above but it’s important to reiterate for clarity’s sake.  If you think that what you’re doing might be stupid, it probably is.  Just say no.

2)      Speaking of just saying no, don’t take any drugs without consulting a trusted physician.  This includes marijuana which your physician probably wouldn’t recommend anyway.  News broke Monday that Michigan utility defender and likely first round pick Jabrill Peppers tested positive for “dilute sample,” whatever that means.  Peppers allegedly fell ill from food poisoning and decided to take something that bla bla bla.  Peppers may very well be telling the truth but the truth doesn’t matter.  The label of a failed drug test will stick with Peppers long after draft day, just as it has everyone else who lit up a joint the weeks prior to draft night.  From the time that you finally hang up your college cleats right up until draft weekend, it’s best to maintain a healthy diet.  That includes being meticulous about what you put into your body.  You just finished college.  You should know what that means.  Failing a drug test isn’t the worst thing that can happen but it ain’t the best either.

3)      Don’t hit anybody.  This is a good rule to live by anyway but when your future is on the line, it’s best to avoid your run-of-the-mill bar brawl or smacking around your significant other.  I understand that the news of you being drafted is exciting for you and your family and friends but keep the celebration to a tame minimum.  Remember, there are haters out there looking to cash in on your dollar.  You having a good time and even throwing back a few pops is perfectly normal as long as you’re responsible while doing so.  Don’t show off, don’t throw punches.  Better yet, don’t hang out anywhere where there’s a high possibility of punches being thrown.  I’m not suggesting one lives in a bubble.  I’m just saying, to paraphrase rule number one, don’t do anything stupid.  This wholeheartedly includes laying your hands on your baby’s momma.  Again, ask Joe Mixon how that worked out for him.

4)      Driving while intoxicated is one of those stupid things.  You might not have the means just yet to afford a driver so appoint a designated driver or download the Uber app onto your phone.  It only takes a minute and could potentially save you millions of dollars, a lifetime of embarrassment and of course, you not putting yourself or any other driver on the road in harm’s way.

5)      Pretend you’re on a job interview, which isn’t all that much of a stretch… BECAUSE YOU ARE.  You’re lined up for a pretty good gig at an established, profitable and reputable firm.  It pays well and is your dream job.  You’re not going to show up late to that interview, are you?  Exactly.

6)      Just stay home.  Surely I gest.  You can’t stay in all the time.  Again, I’m not suggesting you bubble wrap yourself.  There’s nothing wrong with a little social interaction.  As one who tends bar, I personally disagree with Herman Edwards’ mantra that “nothing good ever happens after midnight” but you’re no bartender.  Self-impose a curfew.  I know you’re about to make millions, maybe, but there’s nothing wrong with staying in for a home cooked meal.  Netflix and Chill, my friends.

7)      Surround yourself by people you trust.  This is trickier than it might seem.  You might think you have a trustworthy ally when in fact, it’s the devil on your shoulder.  For example, if he’s handing you a gun, it’s probably time to find new friends.  Use your best judgment to avoid shady dealings and that comes from both friends and family who might not have your best interests at heart.

Following these seven simple rules should help you keep your nose clean and have your fan base read about you for all the right reasons and not all the wrong ones.  Oh… and good luck on draft night.  You’re gonna need it.

7 thoughts on “Your official NFL Draft Primer

  1. I’m just waiting to see what the Browns’ front office will be doing this time around. If they select Myles Garrett , while failing to address the need for quarterback , then it indicates to me that GM Sashi Brown and Paul DiPodesta (former baseball executive) don’t know what the hell they’re doing. If they are going to pin their hopes on Cody Kessler , then they might as well make a call for Johnny Manziel to make a return to the Cleveland Browns.

    Your thoughts on Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter being the last men standing and the likely new owners of the Miami Marlins ? Jeter on South Beach partying is one thing but owning the Marlins ? Damn , he must have money to waste on a franchise heading nowhere. Why couldn’t Jeter and Jeb just make a play to buy the Rays instead ? That way we could Stuart Sternberg out of his miserty of being the most petulant owner in baseball next to Jeffrey Loria of the Marlins.

  2. Rules be damned, Cleveland will fuck it up regardless.

    It’s 5 o’clock somewhere and Johnny Maziel is laughing.

  3. You’re waiting to see what the Browns do, Al?

    That’s like watching a bad movie and waiting for it to have an even worse ending.

    I’m sure they’d love to trade the pick but are there any takers?

  4. Bleed…

    When is this kid Manziel’s money gonna dry out. I know he’s a rich kid but damn.

    Wait, did I just say “Manziel” and “dry out” in the same sentence? Now THAT’S funny!

  5. It’s funny each year to hear analysts openly wonder “how did this player get so good wearing a t-shirt and shorts?” Indeed, while even employees of NFL teams warn of “combine warriors” some are still influenced by how high a guy can jump or run a dash in a given day. I like to watch prospects actually play football and make judgements from that. The whole draft thing is a crapshoot but if I was a GM I’d be looking for someone who – even though you’re a play away from retirement – doesn’t have any kind of current or past injury issues. There are enough players to choose from without taking a guy who already is dinged. I also like a player who can execute a full sentence and also shows awareness on how to execute certain plays or schemes. Past issues off the field? Depends on what they were. Diluted samples OK. Punching out people not OK. Heard someone say recently NFL execs used to see draft evaluation as 70% talent and 30% character…now that’s flipped completely. The problem is if you want all “saints” on your team you’re in the wrong sport.

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