Tiger Woods: King of the Cover-Up

Tiger Woods is a weird cat.

I’m pretty sure we sports fans have come to terms with this already but his latest off-road incident, and subsequent hospitalization, only further proves my theory.

Nine years ago, an Emmy-award documentarian and I came up with the highly, under-appreciated “Out of the Woods Driving School” video.  The idea for said video came one Thanksgiving afternoon back in 2009.  Tiger Woods had wrecked his car in the wee hours of the morning.  (Sound familiar?)  Hours had passed and we knew absolutely nothing about the incident.  (Just saying there’s a trend here.)

There were no TMZ reports, no police statements, no authorized word from Tiger’s camp.  Nothing, not a peep.  It turned out, as we discovered later, that Tiger’s wife (now ex-wife) had taken a golf club to his SUV, doing more damage with that club than Tiger had ever done at Augusta.  Elin found out that her husband (now ex-husband) had been driving around town on Percocet banging Perkin’s waitresses… or something like that.

In Tiger’s defense, who among us hasn’t pissed off their partner to the point that she would take a tire iron to your windshield, not that I’m speaking from experience.  (Seriously, if you haven’t been there, you’re not trying hard enough.)

A dozen years later, Woods has done it again, wrecking his car in the wee hours of the morning.  As far as we all know, he’s still being hospitalized.  Again, not a peep from inside the chamber, probably because he doesn’t want us to know.  The fact that ESPN hasn’t stationed a full-time reporter outside Tiger’s hospital window amazes me.

The mere fact that Tiger, or anyone for that matter, is powerful enough to control the media in this day and age is not only impressive but downright frightening.  If you recall, I was recently barred from Twitter for making what I thought was a damn funny Tiger Woods joke.  I hinted that David Spade, who had golfed with Woods the day prior to the accident, may have been the one behind the banning but as it turns out it might have been El Tigre who removed my Twitter privileges.  Lesson learned: don’t poke the Tiger.

Only yesterday, ESPN and other media outlets released a statement claiming “detectives won’t reveal cause of Tiger’s crash.”  What the hell is that all about?  I mean, isn’t this stuff public record?  Am I the only one who has this visual of Tiger Woods sitting in his hospital bed, godfather-style, handing out cold hard thousands to local authorities?  Pay to the order of.  Not even Robert Kraft, owner of the Patriots, (net worth: $6.9 billion) had enough coin to cover up the fact that he’d been getting hand jobs from Asian massage parlors.  Not even Donald Trump (net worth: $2.9 billion) had enough money to change the fact that half of America despised him.  Those guys are wealthy, one would think more so than Woods, yet Woods is somehow, someway covering up, once again, the fact that something was amiss the morning he drove his SUV off a cliff.

If you don’t think that Tiger Woods is one of the most powerful men on this very planet then you, my friend, are disillusioned.

If you watched Showtime’s two-part documentary on the man, you’re aware of his unique upbringing.  His obsessive father molded him into the man, and dominant athlete, he became. From Merv Griffin appearances at three to jingling change during his kid’s backswing to banging random strangers in his nearby trailer while his son practiced his putting within earshot, Earl Woods makes Richard Williams and Lavar Ball look like well-adjusted, stay at home dads.

So here we sit, once again, wondering what happened; the mystery of Tiger Woods.  We don’t know about his surgeries, only that they were multiple.  We don’t know about the car crash, only that there was one.  We haven’t seen video one of him rehabbing.  We can only assume he is.  We don’t know if he’ll ever play golf again.  We will only when he wants us to know and not a moment sooner. I mean, we are talking about a man who bought himself a yacht and named it “Privacy.”

Tiger Woods is one of only five professional athletes to reach billionaire status.  That’s with a ‘b,’ people. LeBron is also in that top five but not even he can afford to pay Americans to get them to like him.  Tiger, on the other hand, has forged a love-to-hate-and-back-to-love relationship with his fans with relative ease… and a hefty bank account designed specifically to influence our opinion of him.

It’s truly uncanny how he controls the media.  One would think at least one rogue police officer would leak information about the incident.  I suppose their commitment is strong especially when the payout is that much stronger. 

7 thoughts on “Tiger Woods: King of the Cover-Up

  1. Entertaining write-up. You gotta think at some point someone will get the info out as to what happened. Some of those media folk are stubborn.

  2. ha ha… cant believe you re-released the video! No wonder he pulled yr twitter acct. And only one small edit… this following sentence is NOT past-tense: ” Donald Trump (net worth: $2.9 billion) had enough money to change the fact that half of America despised him” Nope. We still despise him. Always will. Truth.

  3. Nice piece Chump, and wow 😳 what a video! You spared nothing, if I remember what two hats looked like, I’d be inclined to sign up. Oh but I didn’t drive my car of a cliff, although I did wrap one around a light pole and land on the lawn of the President of the University of Florida’s lawn. While I survived, I can feel El Tigre’s pain. Glad I’m not in the spot light although I heard I did make the news!
    It is amazingly the obsession we have with celebrities assuming they don’t have the same issues in life,( and same poor coping skills), that many folks have and would prefer to keep it quiet. Ask yourself, what would you prefer, having your life be under a microscope or enjoy the relative anonymity you have now? I’m just saying.

  4. Tiger’s lawyers may be using HIPPA laws to hide a medical condtion that may have contributed to his crash. Either that or he’s just a shitty driver.

  5. Let us know how ya’ really feel, MoS.

    And are you in any way surprised at how well the video has held up over the years? We’re ahead of our time, my dear.

  6. Tiger Woods has definitely gone off the rails once again and his @ss is still being protected by a bunch of damn sycophants . What will it take for people to realize Woods is a danger to himself just as much as he is to the public at large ? If he’s not a borderline alcoholic or drug abuser then something is amiss . Just as people are trying to portray rapper DMX as having hit another unfortunate cycle with his having suffered a drug overdose , after what might well have been his fourth or fifth rehab stint . Both Woods and DMX are in deep need of help , but neither is willing to ask or put in the real work in order to turn their personal lives around successfully . Second so called traffic accident for Tiger Woods , with this time his having suffered serious injuries to both legs but not life threatening .

    Bblack athletes and celebrities , notably men and in some cases
    women , if you’re seeking to put yourselves out there as role models as well as well rounded performers , please act like adults and not uneducated juveniles .

    Tophatal ……..

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