My all new Sports Fantasy League



I’m thinking about starting up my own cutting edge, fantasy league.  It will be a year-round event that will incorporate all major sports into one giant competition.


How am I constructing this league, you ask?  How will I determine whether a home run holds more value than a touchdown or a triple-double?  The answer is simple, my friends.


Athletes will no longer be judged by their statistics on the field but rather by their performance OFF it.


I’m calling my new league the Misdemeanor/Felony Fantasy League or the M.F.L.  It’s bound to attract thousands of participants nationwide so get in while you can.  I’m still working on an effective scoring system, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far.  Suggestions, as always, are welcome.


A player is caught cheating on his taxes…. 15 points

A player is caught committing adultery…. 10 points for each incident, 25 points if it’s a same sex partner

A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly….. 5 points

A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with a firearm…. 10 points

A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with drugs and a firearm… 15 points for the trifecta

A player is caught speeding or driving recklessly with drugs, a firearm and a prostitute… 20 points for the quadruple-double

A player starts a fight at a club or adult establishment… 10 points, 5 points for every hospitalized injury

A player shoots someone … 20 points

A player accidentally shoots himself … 30 points

A player is caught stealing his own memorabilia… 15 points

A player states in the media that “he can’t afford to feed his family”…. 15 points

A player is caught gambling at an illegal dog-fighting ring… 10 points

A player is caught housing an illegal dog-fighting ring… 25 points

A player is caught beating an animal… 15 points

A player calls out his coach or teammate in the media…. 5 points

A player is suspended for ‘tweeting’… 5 points

A player is caught in a ‘compromising position’… 10 points

A player refers to himself in the third person during an interview… 5 points for each occurrence

A player is ejected from a game…. 5 points

A player flips off the crowd… 10 points

A player abuses his spouse… 20 points

A player physically confronts a fan (includes spitting)… 15 points

A player physically confronts a fan during a game…. 20 points

A player holds out from training camp…. 10 points

A player wins MVP of his league… MINUS 20 points

A player is seen in Las Vegas betting over a million dollars a hand…. 5 points

A player is caught taking an illegal performance enhancing substance… 10 points

A player enters himself into alcoholics, narcotics or gamblers anonymous… 20 points

A player is caught with a minor… 20 points

A player is convicted of murder… 50 points

A player contributes to charitable causes…. MINUS 30 points

A player has child out of wedlock… 5 points per child, 10 points per partner

A player is caught gambling on his sport or accused of throwing a game… 15 points

A player refuses a trade…. 5 points

A player lies to a grand jury… 15 points

A player is seen as clubhouse leader and leads his team to a championship… MINUS 20 points


Add 20 points for every internet published mug shot.


The rules:  Each fantasy league participant is allowed to pick a total of EIGHT players, plus ONE coach/manager, to field his roster: 2 from the NFL, 2 from Major League Baseball, 2 from the NBA,  and 2 from any other professional sports league, i.e., NASCAR, PGA Tour, MLS, UFC, NHL, etc.  A traditional draft will be held with no salary cap or monetary value assigned to players as they’re already getting paid enough.

At the end of the season, the winning GM gets honorary claim to the PacMan Jones/Isiah Thomas/Michael Vick “Trophy of Character.”  Happy drafting and may the worst team win.

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29 Replies to “My all new Sports Fantasy League”

  1. This has the potential to catch on like a forest fire! Lol. You better get a copyright on it before somebody steals the idea! I’m serious.

  2. Very interesting Chris…my question to you first is…how many jack and cokes did you have while compiling that list? It’s obvious you were having a good time today! 🙂

    A suggestion from the teacher who taught in the “hood”…the line where you mention…”A player who has a child out a wedlock” should actually be written (so that they could actually understand it)…”A player who is a “baby daddy” – and then 5 points per child and 10 points per each “baby mama”. See, now that way…they would understand it. Trust me on that one…even my students called my ex the “baby daddy”… 😉

    Also…loving the chat you’ve got going on…especially when you talk about the size issue…NICE! Boys never change eh?

  3. Mr Factoid… hmmmm. I’ll talk to my attorney.

    Reyna… I stopped counting jack and cokes a long time ago. And re: the size thing, Al started it.

  4. It just doesn’t add up (nu pun intended) but an MVP will stil score over 200 points!! LOL

  5. Chris …..

    Sexual proclivities notwithstanding. What about a player who declares openly his sexuality ? I’m coming out of the closet and Sergei’s coming with me says Valeriy Plotkin of Saskatchewan Roughriders of AHL. (Well the team and character herein are merely fictional)

    Now that’s got to be worth something don’t you think ?

    Well now that Tiger’s missed the cut at ‘The Open’ , now what ? How the hell could he have pissed this all away ?

    Alan Parkins

  6. Chris

    Was that the guy who had enjoyed having the hockey puck shoved into his rectum ? LOL,LOL,LOL

    Thanks Tiger for now making The Open meaningless ! Missing the cut is now going to pi_ss off the broadcast and cable networks here in the US.

    Here’s my piece on the Odom , Boozer situation with the Miamu Heat .

    Lamar Odom or Carlos Boozer To The Heat , Sorry I Can’t Dignify That With An Answer …..

    As and when you’re ready I’ll look forward to reading your comments.

    And here’s my piece on the budding rivalry between Usain Bolt and Tyson Gay. With the track field World Championships coming up. It’s going to be one hell of an event.

    I’ve Heard It All Before The State Of US Men’s Insert Sport Here ……..

    Alan Parkins

  7. Al… hope he didn’t get a five minute major for that. Might be tough sitting in the penalty box that long.

    If Watson weren’t in contention, with Phil and Tiger not playing, you know viewership would be down drastically. But I’ll watch to see what the initial TW can do this weekend. I’m not so convinced he can’t win.

    And I don’t see how Miami would be able to land both those guys without moving Beasley.

  8. Chris ….

    Well we’ve OJ’ on the list. We’ve Maurice up there. But how about Donte’ Stallworth ? I mean you kill a guy while DUI , plus the fact that during your questioning by the Miami PD , you admit to the fact that you’d smoked some weed . WTF is up with that ? And then to top it all , you only do 30 friggin’ days in jail. That’s the sort of justice system this country tries to imply is the best in the world . Get the fu_k out of here !

    What the Heat ‘ll do is to try and facilitate a trade whereby Udonis Haslem gets traded to the Jazz. And then Odom’ll be taken and paid at the mid-level cap exception of between $5-#6m. Boozer’s contract’ll be honored this year and then they’ll work out something in terms of an extention over whatever period is amicable for both parties.
    Now that’s the business side of things done. Now what’s up for the remainder of The Open ? Will it be Watson or someone else ?

    The viewership may well be there should Watson still be in contention at the end of the third round.

    I’m in the midst of doing a piece on the Gators and how I see their season playing out with Tebow and Meyer at the helm of things. It’ll be interesting to see how much playing time Brantley’ll get.

    Alan Parkins

  9. Actually, Al, Stallworth only served 24 of those 30 days. It wasn’t even summer camp.

    You know how I feel about Haslem. He’ll be an asset to any squad.

    Meyer will have to work in Brantley somewhat since he’ll be taking over next year. The kid’s got talent, we just never get to see it.

  10. Chris ….

    Great win for the Rays last night. But unfortunately it’s Kazmir that’s pitching .They need to consistent and not just winning game but series.

    As for Miami , Rilely’s sitting between a rock and a hard place. Screw this up and it’ll set the franchise back for years .

    The Gators’ season will definitely be about the progression of Brantley. He’s got an enormous pair shoes to fill.

    Alan Parkins

  11. Chris ….

    You’ve got to give it up to the chicks of the WNBA haven’t you ? Diana Taurasi gets popped for DUI and she gets an immediate 2 game suspension. Hell in the NBA Stern’d be patting the player on the back.

    Here’s my take also on Watson‘s heroics at The Open. Either way the guy comes out a hero and comes up smelling of roses !

    The Best Is Yet To Come ….

    And is it me but is NASCAR now going over the top ?

    Apparently there’s an 82 year old guy looking to qualify for a Truck Series’ event.

    Any takers on which NFL pro’ll be the next to add Jessica Simpson as a notch on their bed-post ?

    1) Terrell Owens evens favorite .

    2) Albert Haynesworth 7-2
    3) Dirk Nowitzki 6-1 … Even he now needs some tail as his chick is allegedly pregnant and in a county jail.
    A-Rod 2-1. When he gets rid off Kate Hudson .

    5) Charles Barkley 10-1.
    Well if he’s not got a hooker in tow. I guess that Simpson’s got to be his next step… Cleavon Little’s character Sherrif Bart says in Blazing Saddles. ‘Where they white women at’ ?

    Also make sure to check out the Gator piece ?

    I’ve provided a link in an earlier comment.

    Alan Parkins

  12. Bolt… I guess that all depends on whether you have Peyton Manning as your starting quarterback or Matt Leinart.

    Looks like Ryan Leaf is probably the best bet these days if you really want a shot at the title.

  13. Actually, Al, I’m thinking Candace Parker might be the hottest woman in the WNBA althought I’d have to peruse the rosters before I can confirm that assessment.

    And I’m not so sure J. Simpson would be seen with a man of color, so it’s safe to bump up those odds on Owens, Barkley and anyone else. Reminds me of that old Eddie Murphy joke about Brooke Shields and Michael Jackson.

  14. Chris

    I think that Joe Simpson might have something to say about it all. As he’s pimped out both daughters , merely for the pub’ . I’m surprised he wasn’t a consultant on the Craig Brewer movie ‘Hustle & Flow’ ?

    Well it looks like a playoff between Stewart Cink and Tom Watson .

    It looks as if Cink has denied the Watson that sixth Open victory, he yearned.

    Alan Parkins

  15. Chris

    As good as Candace Parker looks , I for one go goo-goo and gaga for Lauren Jackson ! Not that they both don’t float my boat .

    But I wouldn’t mind having the both of ’em as part of a triple decker sandwich, with me as the delicacy in the middle.

    Alan Parkins

  16. This is great idea! So great I started The Fantasy Criminal League in 2002 and have almost 6000 busts and 50,000 points awarded. If you want to play, sign-up, email me (email on site) and you can start busting. Hey Sports Chump, how about giving me credit for the idea that you are claiming as your own? You started following me on twitter @the_criminal and then came up with the idea.

  17. JL… I wrote that piece in 2007 before twitter ever existed. I can even provide the link. I promise I didn’t take it from ya’.

    Nice try though.

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