presents “Things I Don’t Understand” feat. Jeremy Mayfield, Jermaine Dupri, PacMan Jones, Bud Selig, Phil Ivey and Deli Meats

tire-25I must have Attention Deficit Disorder because I’m not quite sure I understand this whole Jeremy Mayfield story no matter how many times I hear the latest developments.  It’s got more plot twists than “Deathtrap.”  For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Mayfield, he is a NASCAR driver who failed two drug tests for methamphetamines.  He has since been suspended from driving.  To further National Enquirize this story, Mayfield’s stepmother told NASCAR officials she saw him take the drug on numerous occasions.  In return, Mayfield called his stepmother a gold digger and accused her of shooting and killing his father.  He has also accused NASCAR of paying his stepmother for soliciting this information.  This story is the gift that keeps on giving.  It’s more entertaining than NASCAR itself.  Throw in some farm animals and we’ll be getting somewhere. 


football-25x253As if it were inexplicable enough that Janet Jackson could be romantically involved with Jermaine Dupri, the recent release of the PacMan Jones strip club video adds insult to injury.  This is the same Adam Jones who, after being suspended for the strip club shooting, visited another strip club on his way to having a meeting of the minds with the NFL Commissioner.  And you thought Antoine Walker entering a casino one night after he dropped $800,000 was asinine.  In 2007, Jones was involved in a shooting outside a Las Vegas strip club where he and his friends ‘made it rain’ by throwing tens of thousands of dollars in the air.  A scuffle broke out after Jones allegedly grabbed a stripper and starting beating her repeatedly.  ESPN recently aired a video of the incident.  What we’re treated to in the video is Jones, Dupri, hip-hop star Nelly, and a cast of others tossing dollar bills into the air and to quote Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski “treating objects like women, man.”  The fight is not caught on video but the cameraman did catch Dupri telling strippers over the house microphone “Y’all are here to dance.  Don’t bend down to get your money.  Y’all just keep f*cking dancing.”  Am I alone in thinking Janet can do better?


pig-25On a totally unrelated note, why does everyone look at me funny when I order one-third of a pound of cold cuts from the deli counter instead of a quarter-pound or a half-pound.  One-third is no lesser fraction.  Okay, so technically it is less than a half, but still why are we hating on this less frequently used decimal?  Do the deli people gather behind my back, giggling in their hair nets, telling each other “that third guy was in again today.”  Look, I live by myself.  A half a pound is too much.  The remaining sandwich meat ends up spoiling in my fridge.  A quarter pound is never enough.  It’s barely enough for two sandwiches.  Like the baby bear’s bed to Goldilocks, a third of a pound is just right.  Yet other customers look at me like I’m from Mars.  It’s not like I’m not asking for five-eighths or anything they need a calculator for.  It’s 33%.  Let’s move on.


baseball-25x25-27In a recent interview with ESPN’s Mike and Mike in the Morning, Commissioner Bud Selig continued to defend Major League Baseball’s decision to have the All-Star Game determine home field advantage in the World Series.  Mike Golic disagreed with Selig’s decision and told him so.  He put the commissioner on the spot, asking him if this didn’t diminish the importance of the entire 162-game season.  Selig’s answer?  The Commissioner said, twice, that it was logistically impossible to plan the World Series on short notice because of…. hotel rooms.  Are we supposed to believe that this nation’s major cities wouldn’t be able to house its visitors for one extra night?  That’s what we’re talking about here, right?  One extra home game?  The World Series isn’t like the Super Bowl where we already know ahead of time where it’s going to be held.  So now the Hampton Inn is affecting our national pastime?  Yes, the owners voted unanimously to change the rule several years ago but I can’t help but think an exhibition game starring players who are voted in by the fans shouldn’t give one team an unfair and distinct advantage.  Let’s say for example that the Dodgers finish the season with 105 wins and the Red Sox finish with 95 and these two teams meet in the World Series.  Despite having a worse record and likely having played a similarly difficult schedule, the Red Sox would have an extra home game simply because a Tampa Bay Ray robbed a Colorado player’s near home run.  Oh wait, now that I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.


poker-25x251I consider myself a pretty decent tournament poker player.  But what Phil Ivey is doing at this year’s World Series of Poker is ridiculous.  Ivey, considered by many to be the world’s top poker player, has made the final table.  No Limit Hold ‘Em is still a skill game but professionals haven’t fared well at the World Series recently due to the increasing number of amateurs that are gunning for them.  That apparently hasn’t fazed Ivey who has made the November Nine.  Card Player magazine publisher Jeff Shulman has also made the final table.  For those of us who consider poker a sport, Ivey winning this tournament in which well over 6000 poker players entered, could very well be considered one of the most impressive accomplishments in modern sports.

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49 Replies to “ presents “Things I Don’t Understand” feat. Jeremy Mayfield, Jermaine Dupri, PacMan Jones, Bud Selig, Phil Ivey and Deli Meats”

  1. Great, great, great stuff, man.

    Mayfield is from Kentucky….nuff said.

    Pacman played at WV….nuff said.

    I will start ordering 1/3 pounds at the deli. Hell yes! One Thirders unite! Of course the deli workers always go over when cuting meat (wonder how they bet on NFL games) If you order a 1/3 from them it’ll be a 1/2 anyway. So maybe I’ll order a 1/4 to get a 1/3.

  2. Chris

    You read my piece on Mayfield , obviously. Mayfield doesn’t have a leg to stand on. He’s merely now pis_sing in the wind. His lawyer is now trying to blow smoke up everyone’s rear end. He daren’t try and enact a civil suit against NASCAR much less his own stepmom. The latter’d fall flat to begin with as father committed suicide.

    As to Jermaine Dupri , I guess after Janet having seen his statements about making it rain. She must now know that he was short-changing her in the bedroom in one form or another ?

    The question that Miike & Mike should’ve posed to Selig . Is what he’s doing concerning the Cubs and their present predicament . Here you’ve got a club about to be placed within Chapter 11 ,merely as a self serving exercise on the part of the present owner. And nevermind the fact that the proposed sale seems to have a big time snag. Like I said the Ricketts family’s offer is way too steep. ($900m) I don’t care if Wrigley Field was paved in fuc_ing gold for that matter.They’re not worth the price at all.

    Pity that Watson couldn’t make it happen at The Open. But Cink ought to be commended for closing things out. It’ll probably a one done type of thing for him to begin with.

    As for Phil ‘Ice Cold’ Ivey, the Main Table event win at the WSOP is the one thing missing on his resume’ . A win there and one can allude to the fact that he can be viewed as the best player of his generation by far !

    Alan Parkins ………

  3. Al… I would think NASCAR would want to sweep this under the rug as soon as possible. As for me, I’m waiting for the next tabloid announcement.

    That’s all I’m gonna say about Dupri before they send someone over to my apt for retribution. That’s if they can reach the doorbell.

    Ivey’s not a chipleader but he’s still alive. I’m surprised they make them wait so long to play things out. Shulman’s no slouch either.

  4. Ladies and gentlemen… introducing Partykiller, aka Harry Balzac.

    I fail to see what your political opinion has to do with Janet Jackson’s poor taste in partners or salted, cured meats.

    I just wanted to let you know I wouldn’t censor ya’.

  5. Chris …..

    WTF is JD gonna do ? He’s nowhere as tough as he makes himself out to be . Sh_t he’s got to stand on a soap box just to squeeze and suckle off one of Janet’s tits. Not that I wouldn’t mind doing the same thing myself , mind you !

    However as of now the Jackson family is so f_*ked up that I’d stay away from them all ’til the dust settles.

    See my piece on the WNBA . I think you’ll love the pics of Sue Bird, and Lauren Jackson. And not to forget the delectable Candace Parker.

    Shame about Watson as I was hoping for him to pull through. He’s so beloved by the Brits because of his success at The Open. I’d done a piece on him also.

    Whoo Hoo ! It’s The WNBA Folks …

    The Best Is Yet To Come ….. This is the piece on Watson.

    Alan Parkins

  6. True story Chris:

    A few years back, my buddies and I went to Publix one night to get sandwiches from the deli. It was after 7:50 and even though the deli counter is open until 9:00, they stop serving sandwiches at 8:00. We figured we would be fine but the D-bag behind the deli counter told us he wouldn’t make our four sandwiches because it was “too close” to eight o’clock. He said he could carve us our meets and we can make our own sandwiches.

    And that’s exactly what we did.

    We bought lettuce, tomatoes, mayo, mustard and a couple of knives and set up shop in the publix deli.

    We all made sure we had at least four – six different meats/cheeses on our sandwiches to ensure he would have to make at least 24 changes on his deli slicer. We would ask for shit like “.14 pounds of salami,” or “.21 pounds of turkey” and we would make sure that shit was exact.

    He wound up spending an hour just slicing up our meats and cheeses while the few customers they would normally have from 8:00-9:00 left in disgust.

    I can totally relate to your deli dilemma since I am a “1/3” pound shopper on most meats. I know the look.

    Great stuff Chris!

  7. again…exceptional writer. Loved the deli stuff, and I agree with you- only get what you need the rest just spoils.

  8. Interesting insitesas always Pep…so here’s my 2cents…
    First, since I don’t follow NASCAR, never have, never will, another athlete, (if they are considered such), busted for drugs is not news. The family drama is pitiful. If’s he’s doing drugs…he’s doing drugs.
    Next, word out here on the West Side, is Janet and Jernmaie Dupri are done so your timing is pretty good. Now if I can just get he to return my calls.
    As for Selig, well there are a lot of things that don’t make since. Let’s just say the Dodgers do end up with the best record and make to the Series, to not get home field advantage, because your division lost the all star game, well you know exactly what that sounds like and then to blame it on hotel rooms!!! Someone should drug test Bud.
    A little insert here about the open championship. Kudos to Stewart Cink. He put himself in contention and int eh playoff, did exactly what he needed to do. It was well earned/ deserved on his part. I still could not help shedding a tear for Tom, as he performed admirably throughout the tournament and just let it slip away. Maybe because he’s just a few years older, I find myself routing for the “older” guys, once in a while.
    I’m not much of a poker player, but I do occasionally watch, and as if he’s not legendary status already, if he pulls this off, he clearly is a Masterof his craft and would seal his legacy as one of if not the best of his generation.

  9. I don’t think the WNBA wants to market their sexuality because I guess they think it demeans their league. Someone should remind them that sex sells.

  10. Snake… that’s exactly the kind of reaction I get from the Publix customers.

    To put it in terms you’d understand, it’d be like ordering a half a Crown and Coke or something.

  11. Frank, but did you wear a hairnet and those funky plastic gloves while um…. handling your meat?

    Ick… poor choice of words. Sorry for the visual everyone.

  12. Mony… I don’t do NASCAR either but you gotta admit, this Mayfield story makes it worth paying attention to.

    If Janet knows what’s good for her, she’d take your phone calls. The worst you could ever do is wear two hats. Never have I heard you disrespect a woman in that manner. Just make sure that Big Guy, E and I are ushers at the wedding. We’ll need Big Gu there to keep Dupri out of the building, I’m sure.

    It was surprising to see Watson miss that last putt after the way he’d been putting all week. But good for Cink who really turned it on late. He was a deserving champion.

  13. Chris
    If you really thinks that it demeans their league . Then you really ought to rethink the issue. Especially when almost 1/3 of the attendance is said to be lesbians.

    Check out the piece I did on the league itself. And don’t worry none of is done for the shock value at all.

    And yes sex does sell ! That’s why both Sue Bird and Lauren Jackson can parlay their talent into other areas as well. See Jackson’s SI swimwear appearance. And also Bird’s expose’ wearing nothing but a Sixers’ t-shirt. It’ll blow your socks off !

    Whoo Hoo ! It’s The WNBA Folks ….

    Where Is The Love ?

    Alan Parkins

  14. Be right over.

    And I actually did see a photo of Diana Taurasi that made me turn my head once.

    I went to an Orlando Miracle game back in the day. I’d say your 1/3 estimate is a little under the mark. Unless you just said 1/3 in honor of the deli meat post.

    By any chance to you remember Nikki McCray?

  15. Chris

    Taurasi did recently get popped for DUI. And she’s now serving a two game suspension, courtesy of the WNBA and her own team.

    Did you by any chance catch the Amir Khan Andreas Kotelnik title bout over the weekend ? Now there’s talk that his manager Frank Warren wants either of these three fighters to face Khan. Mayweather, Hatton or even Manny Pacquiao.

    As good as Khan is , he and his manager ought to rehthink that option. Especially when it comes to facing either Mayweather or Pacquiao. Hatton’s shot to hell after the beatdown he suffered at the hands of Pacquiao.

    Just Tiny Babyb Steps Please ….

    This is my take on the bout as well as the pronouncement by his manager Frank Warren.

    And here’s a piece on the brouhaha with regard to Beckham and Landon Donovan.

    Where Is The Love ….?

    Alan Parkins

  16. Chris

    Watch out Jessica Simpson’s on the prowl. She’s now after Tebow’s johnson. Rumor has it that she’s prepared to suck the life out of it.

    Alan Parkins …..

  17. Hate to only respond to the one non-sports comment, but. ..
    I dodge the lesser fraction issue by ordering my deli fare by decimal – e.g. “a .4 of provolone”. I don’t get too much shit for this (to my face at least).

  18. Al… maybe it was the few drinks that I had had that made her look that good.

    Hey, man. Let me know what you’re doing for that Pacquiao fight when it comes up. We should get together and watch it.

  19. Chris ..

    That’ll be a wrap ! In light of Vick now being a free man , what do you think’ll actually happen in terms of Goodell’s decision ?

    This story has taken on a life of its own. It’s now beginning to make the Favre story seem cerebral.

    Here’s my take on this from my point of view.

    Now What …?

    Alan Parkins

  20. Chris …..

    How messed up is the Navs’ franchise ? Not just from a competitive standpoint . But now it appears from a legal one also . If the allged rumors now coming out concerning Cuban are side to be true. He’s got a great deal of explaining to do one way or another !

    Do check this piece but before doing so, also read the inset concerning what may well be a protracted drawn out lawsuit. It really does shed some light as to the steps that some lengths that a franchise will go to , just to survive.

    It Never Rains As Such It Just Keeps On Pouring …..

    Alan Parkins

  21. Chris

    Jason Whitlock’ll probably remind you that he’s not had sex in over a year. But then he’ll write a somewhat salacious piece castigating African American males for wantng to chase after Caucasian women , Hispanic women and perhaps even Asian women. Then he’ll crawl back into his hole and wait as to what form the blowback’ll take. That’s the type of guy he really is.

    Dumber than a box of rocks and on par in terms of intellect with Paris Hilton and Sarah Palin.

    Alan Parkins aka tophatal

  22. My old college roommate used to have a saying about guys like that. He’d say he’s just pissed because he hasn’t seen his pecker without the use of a mirror in years.

    I’ll go check out your piece on the Mavs.

  23. Chris

    I don’t know that Goodell’ll further impose another suspension on Vick. But I do believe that he’ll be strict parameters of which he cannot cross. And in all likelihood the slightest transgression by him.

    And the guillotine will be brought down on his so called career.

    He might not even play within the NFL this year. So there’s always that possibility that he could end up with one of the four new fledgling teams within the UFL (United Football League) ?

    Both Haslett and Jim Fassel are said to have shown some interest in the player ? That being said, it may well be from the publicity aspect only, and in terms of what it’ll bring to their respective franchises.

    Nov 14th is said to be when Cotto and Pacquiao will be getting it on. I’ll take Pacquiao to win it decisively inside 8 rounds. Cotto’s chin is still very suspect.

    Look at what’s happening now with Cuban and the Mavericks ? It couldn’t be happening to a nicer guy !

    Alan Parkins

  24. Chris ….

    Who wouldn’t mind being in Mike Shanahan’s position at present ? The guy’s livin’ high on the hog. Less we forget the Broncos still owe him $14m for the remaining two years left on his contract.

    And now with Kyle Orton and Chris Simms vying for the starting qb position in Denver. Things don’t on appearance look all that good for the team, do they ?

    Alan Parkins

  25. I honestly think Vick’s going to have a difficult time finding a team that will take him.

    Think about it.

    We’re talking about one of the most explosive football players to come out of college in the past several years bar none. Despite mixed reviews as a pro, how many teams have openly stated they’d take him back for too much fear of backlash. Not too many. I’ve heard Dominik pretty much say they wouldn’t take him with a ten-foot poll and his team has a need at that position.

    As you said earlier, alternate leagues might be Vick’s best bet until things die down for him… if that ever happens.

    There are too many people out there that haven’t forgiven him for his crime… and never will. These people are motivated, spend money and have a large collective voice. While I’ve said before, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, a team signing Vick might just break that rule.

  26. Bring Vick to the Jaguars. He could play WR or Wildcat, couldn’t be any worse at WR than the likes of Matt Jones.

    Jags need to sell a lot of tix. Vick would help do that in Freakville.

    Besides, it may help get dumbass DelRio fired sooner.

  27. Nice Matt Jones reference, Han. I haven’t heard that name in a while.

    Vick’ll end up somewhere.

    Just be prepared to waft through the crowd of protesters if you want to catch a game.

  28. Chris

    This upcoming NFL sesson ought to be reaally interestng. And with several coeaches’ positions being on the hot seat.The likes of Gruden, Cowher and Hanahn will be watchig from afar.

    I guess the triumvirate one way or another will be atop of every GM’s phine list. As I’m sure each of the three’s # is on speed-dial with the GM’s across the league.It”l be interesting to see which coach’ll be offered a coaching position first.

    The favorite may be Cowher.

    Alan Parkins

  29. What’s interesting is that with the amount of quality coaches off the sidelines and in the booth, they’ll all be able to argue from a position of strength and really be able to pick and choose which positions they want and how much they’ll get P-A-I-D.

    When that first coach falls, expect it to be for major money, as well as the ones that follow.

    Even in a crappy economy, we could be about to witness some unprecedented salaries.

  30. Chris

    How messed up is this story concerning the allegations of rape being made against Ben Roethlisberger ? And what with the implications that he may well been abetted in this after the incident by a close personal friend. Who’s also an empoyee at Harrahs . It sully’s the whole incident altogether. He’s said to be the Head of Security at the venue in Lk Tahoe.

    What’s even worse is that the victim who’s also an employee at Harrahs never reported the alleged incident from the outset.

    A civil suit has been filed and no doubt denials will be made by the player and his supporters. Either way it’s going to now sully his reputation as to being ‘one of the good guys in the NFL’.

    Roethlisberger’s accuser still employeed at Harrahs …..


    You ought to be more concerned as to the plight of Del Rio rather than the team acquiring Vick. He’s been with the Jags far too long. And he’s continued to make excuses for his very own malaprops.

    The ownership has to be watching the situation closely. As too might be the likes of Gruden, Shanahan and Cowher.

    Alan Parkins

  31. Chris

    Here’s my Roethlisberger piece. The previous headline was that’s covering of the story. Much of the allegations in it are quite sordid.

    You Pay, To Play ……..

    The civil suit’ll either be played out in the court of public opinion. Or it’ll be done behind closed doors with an amicable settlement being reached.

    Alan Parkins

  32. Phil Ivey is the most dominant poker player in the world. He continues to excel at online poker, big live cash games, and poker tournaments. He is definitely the Tiger Woods of poker.

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