As my friends continue to prove unable to handle their liquor, this hopes to become a series of helpful hints and amusing anecdotes which the more experienced party-goers can use to ridicule their friends who ill-advisedly drink beyond their means. It also sets up for some pretty good photography. Here’s hoping they’ll still hang out with me.
A while back at our weekly poker game, one of our regulars decided to partake in a little Smirnoff 100. For those of you who haven’t ever had the misfortune of drinking this godforsaken beverage, Smirnoff 100 is just like regular vodka… except stronger. It is 100 proof rather than 80 proof, hence the name. Making it 20, carry the two, 10% more alcohol. I was told there would be no math.
At the beginning of the evening, I distinctly told my colleague to go easy drinking that stuff as it would surely catch up with him. And it did.
I do believe he was mixing it with some fresh-squeezed Florida grapefruit, which happened to be in season at the time. Far be it from me to count how many he had but let’s just say it was enough to put him under the bus, off of the poker table, and officially down for the count.
Shortly after midnight, our hero slyly, and rather professionally I must admit, made his way outdoors to relieve himself in oral, projectile fashion. The guy’s a trooper. He even made it back, mistakenly, to the poker table for another quick match.
After being removed from his chips rather swiftly, he decided to pass out in his car, and yes, Sports Chump and his comrades were responsible enough to hijack his keys to ensure he made no attempt to drive. Once our poker match winded down, we decided to go check on our boy, who we found passed out, oblivious, in the front seat of his Isuzu. The host of the party and occasional golfing buddy, JD, then had a brilliant idea.
As it was 2 am and pitch dark outside, JD mentioned we should throw some moving van slipcovers over his car to block out all the light. JD had about four or five in his garage, just enough to completely cover all the vehicle’s windows.
When our friend finally awoke at about six in the morning, it was to 40 degree temperature, in a blacked out SUV. He was totally, hysterically and frigidly unaware of his surroundings. That morning, after speaking with him, he mentioned he had no idea where he was and thought he had driven himself into a ditch. Good times.
So heed this party lesson. Anyone can just write magic marker on their friends when they pass out but when graced with this rare opportunity, do your best to SAFELY make the experience memorable for everyone involved. Think outside the box and be sure to report back for the next episode of Pranks to Play on Passed Out Friends.
As always, suggestions are welcome.
Ok, that one I like; too many years ago to mention; my friends and I undressed a passed out male friend and dressed him in his wives lingerie; when he came out for his morning paper, oblivious to his attire, you can imagine the looks his neighbors gave him……LOL those were the good ole days.
Yes…Too funny, we had ink pens and drew tattoos all over a friend passed out…He saw himself and thought he was in a fight covered in bruises…lol..
I had a prank pulled on me by some friends at a party 17 years ago. I got drunk and passed out at a party in New York City and I woke up in a strange house in Philadelphia the next morning. I still have no recollection of how I got from NYC to Philly.
I scaled back my drinking shortly after that experience.
Carrol… maybe it was the fact that he normally walked out to get his newspaper wearing lingerie.
Have you ever considered that?
Kay… I looked up some internet photos of people passed out with ink all over them.
Let’s just say most of the ones I found were inappropriate for public consumption.
Frank… Are you sure that wasn’t this past weekend for the World Series?
It’s ok. You can tell me, man.
These are the sort of instances where it’s best to keep a slop bucket handy and an ID tag in close proximity as well as some prohphylactic. Just in case there’s an ugly chick there that you suddenly take a shine to- even after your buddies tell you it’s not worth the risk of nailin’ her but you still intend to go ahead and do the deed anyway.
Now comes the hard part the ugly chick in question just happens to be your good friend’s backup piece for that odd late night booty call when his old lady is out of town. Then you’ve both got some explainin’ to do . Well things like that do tend to happen don’t they ? Sure they do !
Through seven inning so far and it’s Yankees up 7-3 against the Phillies. Looks like they’re on their way to closing out the series then ?
Al.. I hear there’s a lot of that going on in Dundee. Wait, did I just alienate my Dundee audience? Damn, I have some apologizing to do.
In the words of Charles Barkley… “The Yankees are the bettah teeeeeaum.”
You needn’t worry as your Dundee audience is alive and kicking. Your work is greatly appreciated by the masses near and fields afar.
As to the Yankees and their win – does that now mean that A-Rod’ll get back to business of baggin’ and taggin’ Kate Hudson before moving on elsewhere ?
Who knew that the UFL had already began ? More football for masses to gorge themselves on. Even if it’s viewed as something of an inferior product when compared to the NFL
Ahhh… the good old days!! Due to my extensive knowledge of my good buddies “poker crew” I am still thankfull things did’nt turn out worse for me that night! Good times! Thanks Boys!
PS: 80 PROOF is and has been fine for me ever since!
Al… Isn’t Madonna still the true muse? It wasn’t until their relationship that e got out of his slump. Why isn’t she getting any credit?
Forget about the UFL. When’s lingerie football start?
Chris… You’ll notice I couldn’t upload the picture.
Chris, Yes! I was hoping it was lost in the move or just plain vanished!
Even if Madonna was said to be his true muse. It must’ve been the ‘skanks’ he frequented with down in Miami that gave him the reputation for having a thing for ‘three ways’ . He’d often frequent a number swingers’ clubs with his wife in tow looking for action. And allegedly his wife wasn’t averse to being part of the spectacle. Especially when there was said to be some ‘girl on girl action’.
Now after the thing with Madonna , his wife may have felt that she (Madonna) turned him out .
As to the UFL , bearing in mind with what went on in the latter part of the eighties after extinction of the USFL. I just hope that we won’t see a repeat of that at all between the newly minted UFL and the NFL !
Anyhow I dropped this piece on my thoughts concerning it all.
Who Knew ?
Let me know what you think as to the merits of the piece ? As and when you’re ready . I’ll look forward to reading your comments.
I heard this sick story on Ron & Ian’s show this morning whilst in the office. I’ve posted part of the transcript below.
Now he’s been listed as a sex offender. God damn ! Gives a new meaning to the old adage …..you can take a horse to water but having sex with it won’t make it drink. LOL,LOL LOL !!!
Lingerie Bowl in essence happens in conjunction the same time the Superbowl takes place. As they’re both held on the same weekend.
Players such as J P Losman , Simeon Rice , Patrick Chukwurah and Brooks Bollinger are now playing on the roster on some of the UFL teams. Each of the aforementioned had played in the NFL.
Martina… I had it but it didn’t save as a jpeg file so I couldn’t transfer it to the site.
I’m assuming finding another one of you like that shouldn’t be all the difficult.
Hey, at least you didn’t have your hand crammed in a jar of pickles, right?
Hey, Al…. can’t blame A-Rod for being active, bra.
Al… doesn’t that mean that character’s not allowed within 100 yards of a farm?
I heard about Losman. It’s also nice to see Rice land somewhere. I’m convinced he could still play in the league.
I also hear some of these guys are getting paid.
First and foremost my heart goes out to anyone who lost a family member at the shooting that took place today at Ft Hood, Tx ! It’s an extreme tragedy . I’ve friends who are actually stationed there having just come back from a tour of duty in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Hopefully they’ll be able to shed some light on this all.
As to the guys playing in the UFL . Well it’s good for the players who were once in the NFL , who may well think that they’ve got what it takes for a second bite of the apple. As to them getting paid . Well they’ve got a strict salary cap scale in place whilst the operations get off the ground.
Hopefully they can coexist alongside the NFL without stepping on each other’s toes ? Unlike the mishap of the USFL back in the mid eighties. But for the sake and greed of Donald Trump that would’ve been a viable product. If one remembers they had some of the major stars of the day playing that league and they were all the rage.
See my piece on the new start-up league entitled Who Knew ?
Who Knew ?
As and when you’re ready I’ll look forward to reading your comments.
I can’t imagine anyone wanting to share a jail cell with that guy from South Carolina . Can you ? Imagine the conversation derived that meeting ?
” What you in for ” ? – ” Nothing just arson ,”
“How ’bout yourself ” ? – “What me “?
“Buggery of a horse it’s my second offense ” –
” Warden , warden get me the _*ck out of here please ” !
Yo Hump, You’re right and I only like my pickels fried. “Finding another one” You should have been here last weekend! Seriously!!! We gotta hang out soon. FSU game? Or what’s up down there next weekend?
Eye shadow, lipstick and Lee press on nails with a First Place Blue Ribbon next to some Vaseline on the night stand really leaves them guessing.
I know…I’m sick, mean and …did I say sick?
Al, well said.
Not sure if you caught the USFL episode of 30 on 30 but Bill Simmons have done an incredible job putting that series together. Unfortunately, I missed the Len Bias one but the Ali one, as we discussed, was incredible.
Martin… I’ll be up there for FIU. Try to arrange a kidless weekend if you can.
Not at all, pd. That’s what’s on my nightstand.
Thanks for the great info, I will definitely be back!
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