The pay-per-view event we would ALL like to see

“I’m an idea man, Chuck”

-Michael Keaton as Bill Blazejowski in Night Shift

Hey, I have ideas too. Good ones sometimes. And just like every other sports fan, I have unanswered questions.

In the wake of Mark McGwire’s steroid confession, the impact of which will soon fade, I thought of a pay-per-view opportunity that would make the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight (that’s not going to happen) pale in comparison.

jose-canseco-oakland-asThose of us who watched Big Mac’s confession yawned through the ordeal. I took steroids during the home run chase… bla bla bla. Tell us something we don’t know, Mark. The most interesting development to emerge from his confession was the subsequent banter between McGwire and former Oakland Bash Brother Jose Canseco.

Now THAT was good stuff. There hasn’t been a breakup this nasty since, well… since Tiger and Elin. Canseco sat there all red-eyed, telling McGwire there’s no crying in baseball. Does Tom Hanks get royalties for that?

I hereby propose we don’t stop with just one confession. After all, we’re the ticket-holders, jersey-wearers and eight dollar beer-buyers. Power to the people, y’all. We need someone to prove that Canseco is not telling the truth.

bud-seligIf an American family spends hundreds of dollars to attend the average sporting event, how much would they pay to put the entire steroid scandal behind us? Not that anybody watches baseball anymore. That’s largely due to the Cryptkeeper’s gross mismanagement of the sport (Hey, my mom calls him that too). Cancelled World Series, All-Star Game ties, rampant drug use.

Starting right now, I propose we give the fans what they want. What a novel concept! Catering to the consumer.

Let’s get the biggest names who have yet to come clean and parade them on stage for all to see. Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa… COME ON DOWN!!! You’re the next contestants on the Truth is Right! It’d be like a Hall of Fame reunion… except none of these guys are getting into the Hall of Fame.

Major League Baseball can grant them amnesty, then say… PSYCH!!!! Set them up with Oprah, Costas, Geraldo, James Carville, the talk show host of choice and have them answer question after embarrassing question until the last ounce of truth has been squeezed out of them. We can even take comments from audience members to ensure the questions aren’t candy-coated and the answers aren’t half-assed.

lynda_carter-wonder-woman-golden-lasso1We can book Wonder Woman to corral athletes with her golden lasso – the ultimate lie detector – to ensure we get the truth, the whole truth and nothing but.

What would Jerry Jones pay to host such a spectacle in the new Cowboys Stadium? If he bid $25 million for Pacquaio-Mayweather, this should be worth twice that! It’d be the social event of the decade. Oliver Stone could direct the movie. Cutting edge cinematography. Just go easy on lighting Sammy Sosa’s face.

How much would you pay for piece of mind, for the truth… finally? Baseball’s steroid scandal is the ugly break-up that never ends; it just lingers on. Names pointlessly released every month, as most of us already assume everyone is guilty. But in this case, we’re not making an ass out of you and me. They are.

network-mad-as-hellWe’re mad as hell and we’re not gonna take it anymore!

I say get ‘em ALL on stage. Blindfold ‘em and give ‘em one last cigarette before the proverbial firing squad. We want details. Were there needles in the rear and what of the cream and clear? Who was pitching and who was catching? How frequently? Who distributed? What managers knew? What owners knew?

sammy-sosa-white-faceHow great would it be to see them all up there? The greatest cheaters of all-time. Pete Rose could host the gala, happy to no longer be the only one labeled a cheat. “Confessions of the Rich and Lying” starring Barry Bonds’ engorged head, Roger Clemens’ engorged ego and Sammy Sosa’s newfound whiteness. Even Barnum and Bailey would be impressed by that circus.

While we’re at it, let’s get that sacred scroll of 104 players out in the open as well. We haven’t exposed that list, why? Attorney-client privilege, my ass. We paid to see something inauthentic and now we want our just due. Either that or give us all our money back.

I can see it now. A sealed envelope in the top drawer of Bud Selig’s desk, scotch-taped shut from numerous other efforts to sneak a peek, Selig just sitting there staring at it. He makes a move to open it again, then shakes his head as he walks out of the office. Enough is enough, Bud. WHO’S ON THE LIST?

tiger-woods-picture-11Why close it off to just baseball? Let’s get Tiger out there. Sure, his private life is just that but hey, I need headliners. We have seats to fill. Let’s find out what really happened. How many women were there? Can we get our hands on some of those text messages? We could print t-shirts. Think of the marketing possibilities. What did he actually have at Perkins? What golf clubs were used?

Wouldn’t you pay $39.95 to have a detailed account of what really happened in all these cases? We’re talking pay-per-view records here. Any questions. Any athletes. No lies. It’s Golden Lasso time.

We can get the NBA referees out there and asked them if they’re shaving points. We can ask Pete Carroll what he knew about Reggie Bush’s SUV. We can ask John Calipari what he knew about Derrick Rose’s SATs. We can ask Lane Kiffin what he knows about anything? And let’s call LaDainian Tomlinson up there and find out what could possibly have possessed him to make this video. WHAT IT DO?

See? I have ideas too. Big ones. Money-making ones. Unfortunately, no one in professional sports is listening.

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26 Replies to “The pay-per-view event we would ALL like to see”

  1. Chris

    Well considering the state of boxing . Some of the content mentioned would make for a great PPV event.

    So Arenas wants a plea agreement that means no prison time for him whatsoever. What sort of message does that send up there in DC if that happens ?

    Alan Parkins

  2. Hysterical! You ARE an idea man! If not PPV how about a weekly reality/game show? Great read SC.

  3. Chris

    NYC and the state’s gun laws were adopted on the one already in place in DC.

    Bloomberg in part adopted those laws having spoken NYC District Atty Robert Morgenthau after they’d been in contact with his counterpart in DC.

    Mandatory 5 year sentence in the case of Arenas. He’s trying to plea it down to a misdemeanor and looking to avoid jail time. But he’s forgetting that he had a prior with regard to a traffic stop and being in the possession of an unlicensed weapon. And he’s stating that he wasn’t aware as the strictness of the gun laws in DC. WTF ? He’s been playing ball there for the last 5 years plus, how could he not know ? Is he that much of an a_shole ?

    Dropped this piece on the Magic and Dwight Howard .

    Take It To The Rim ..

    Plus I’ve added something spicy for you with a reference to you ’bout your girl Denise Milani.

    Denise Milani montage .

    Denise Milani video.

    Have fun and do enjoy.

    Alan Parkins

  4. I’m looking forward to your Dwight piece.

    I was listening to Cossack on ESPN today, Al. He seems to think Arenas is in a world of hurt and I’m prone to agree.

    Another one bites the dust, I guess.


  5. Chris

    On ESPN there are three people that I’ll listen intently to, when they’re on . Cossack who’s a Pepperdine University law professor and former US District Attorney. Economics professor Rick Horrow who’s worked with various sports franchises and Eric Cassilias, former criminal attorney . Each of these guys know inherently what they’re talking about when it comes to their speciality areas as well as sports.

    Arenas is essentially screwed as he’s looking at a minimum 5 year sentence because he’s already a second time offender when it comes to a weapons charge. Never mind that he’s got that indefinite NBA suspension. Now there won’t be much the union can do if the Wizards tear up the remainder of his $80 million on his contract.

    Thanks Pat Robertson for proving that Christians are just as fu_king dumb as their Islamic and Jewish counterparts. Those words of inane stupidity as in describing the earthquake in Haiti as God’s intolerance of them shying away from Christianity just goes to show what a fuc_king a_shole you really are as well this whole religious idolatry . If Robertson had any friggin’ common sense to begin with he’d know that in excess of 67 % of the populace are Christians in one form or another. But that just goes to show how uneducated an a-shole he really is !

    Here’s the piece in Howard and the Magic.

    Take It To The Rim ..

    Alan Parkins

  6. Al, at my apartment complex, when the mailman shows up to fill the slots, he takes his time and blasts talk radio Limbaugh out of his van.

    It was nice out the other day (for a change), so I skipped out to the pool for a quick sunning. The pool is right by the mailboxes.

    I brought my new book, Bickley’s account of the Redeem Team and Colangelo’s work to put that thing together, but I found it difficult to concentrate because Rush Limbaugh was BLASTING out of this guy’s van. All Rush wanted to do was antagonize his callers.

    They were talking about Haiti and instead of saying anything constructive about the situation, as usual the show was all about Rush.

    I think I lost brain cells.

  7. I was watching that Cavs-Jazz game, Al. That was hot.

    I still see no clear-cut winner in the Eastern conference.

    By any chance, have you caught George Lopez’ new show lately? He had that “Who is Blacker” contest between Snoop Dogg and Charles Barkley.

    Check it out on youtube if you haven’t. It was hysterical!

  8. Chris

    I’ve been catching Lopez’s show on TBS and at this moment in time he’s best thing on late night tv. Far better than Conan O’Brien and Letterman combined.

    I’d responded to the comment left on my piece.

    <a href=” Take It To The Rim

    You’re right as such there doesn’t as of yet to be a ‘clear cut winner’ much less front runner coming out of the Eastern Conference of the NBA.

    It’s like watching a ‘dog and pony show’ at present and trying to discern which is more likable creature amongst many of the teams there.

    Alan Parkins

  9. Chris

    See my follow up comment to your response . I think it’ll be something you’ll be salivating over !

    Take It To The Rim

    Limbaugh , Pat Robertson , Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, well they’ve all got a place waiting in hell for each of them !

    Alan Parkins

  10. I’ll be right back over to check out the comments, Al.

    Something tells me Denise Milani will be making an appearance.

    Speaking of a waiting place in hell, did you hear Olbermann’s crack back on both Robertson and Limbaugh with regards to the Haiti situation?


  11. Chris

    I’m pretty sure it’s gone ‘viral’ on the ‘net’ !

    Kudos to Olberman because you’re not going to get the likes of O’Reilly , Beck , Savage , Medved , Coulter or even Hannity for that matter calling out Robertson .

    My sentiments to Pat and others who share his thoughts on the Haitian crisis . Go f-ck yourself and the horse you rode in on you racial bigots !

    Alan Parkins

  12. Chris

    Just look at Lincecum’s body of work already ? He’s not even played 6 years in the bigs and he’s racked up 2 Cy Youngs ?

    If Santana is worth all that money then what must Lincecum be worth ? Never mind that the Giants are still doling out $17 million to Barry Zito . Can we now say that he’s been a bust ?

    Do you think that Kim Kardashian laid sum good lovin’ on Reggie for him to have such a breakout game for the Saints ?

    Rumor Has It That Kim Kardashian Gave Reggie Bush A Little Somethin’ Somethin ‘ For Sho’

    Alan Parkins

  13. Chris

    It’s beginning to look like the Cowboys haven’t a pot to pi_s in and a window to throw it out of ? The Vikings are beating their a_s like unwanted step-child and then some !

    It’s already 17-3 in favor of the Vikings and the Cowboys have done literally nothing at all.

    If Favre makes it the Superbowl that’s it , I’m packing my bags and moving to remote island in the Pacific. Good god that’s all ESPN and Fox‘ll want.

    How much more of Schlereth and him wanting to ‘spoon’ Favre must we the fans take ?

    First Schlereth predicts that the Vikings will miss the playoffs. The next he’s got a hard on for Favre the way he craves his one when he sees his own wife. Click here

    Alan Parkins

  14. Pingback: Sports Chump » Memorable moments of 2010: The SportsChump Year in Review

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