I’ve written a few film reviews in my day but I’m no film critic. I just know what I like.
That being said, I thought about checking out Jonah Hex the other night… until I read the reviews.
When it comes to movie critics, I generally don’t put too much faith in them knowing that opinions differ. But after reading some of the Hex comments posted on Rotten Tomatoes, I just had to share them. They kept me laughing for hours. Remember when we were taught that if we don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all? These people never got that memo.
Tomatoes reviewers gave Jonah Hex a 14% favorable rating. That’s out of 100! By comparison, that’s worse than Ishtar (17%), known as one of the biggest cinematic flops of all time. I almost wanted to see Hex just to see if it was as bad as everyone claimed but ultimately decided against it.
Kudos to all those listed below who panned this film in such creative fashion, for keeping me laughing and for saving me the ten bucks.
“All I know is, the end couldn’t come fast enough.”
Kevin Williamson, Jam! Movies
“There isn’t a single reason to see this movie.”
Cole Smithey.com
“Director Jimmy Hayward fails to establish a viable reason for this movie to exist.”
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone
“Awful and intolerably tedious, everyone connected with this abomination should hang their heads in shame.”
Susan Granger, SSG Syndicate
“If Hex can talk to the dead, then he’s probably the only one who could have any meaningful interaction with this movie.”
MaryAnn Johanson, Flick Filosopher
“If this represents the true vision of director Jimmy Hayward, then I have only one question: What was he thinking?”
James Berardinelli, Reelviews
“In Jonah Hex, Josh Brolin plays a Wild West bounty hunter who can talk to dead people. So how come he couldn’t yank the film’s director out of his coma?”
Chris Hewitt, St. Paul Pioneer Press
“The only people who deserve to see Jonah Hex are Hitler and the CEO of British Petroleum.”
Willie Waffle, Waffle Movies
“Jonah Mess”
Jordan Hoffman, UGO
“Everyone seems to be sleepwalking through this film. Except for Megan Fox, who is such a terrible actress that she couldn’t even act like she’s sleepwalking.”
Marshall Fine, Hollywood & Fine
“A consensus is forming that says the 2010 summer movie season will go down as the worst ever, not only financially but also in terms of quality. Jonah Hex only strengthens this argument.”
Joe Bardi, Creative Loafing
Maybe I’ll just wait for it to come out on cable, which from the looks of it, shouldn’t take all that long.
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If you think that’s funny, check out the reviews for this product on Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000IZGIA8/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1277160023&sr=8-1
You own one of those, don’t you?
Ever since my midget girlfriend dumped me.
Are you off your meds again?
Sorry – I passed on the mobile link, which doesn’t do the comments justice. Here’s the non-four-inch-screen version:
http://www.amazon.com/AutoExec-WM-01-Wheelmate-Steering-Wheel/dp/B000IZGIA8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=automotive&qid=1277168712&sr=8-1
Seriously, some of the comments are so funny I almost was really rofl.
Which is even harder to fathom since I was using the Wheelmate at the time.
Ahhhhh…. now I understand the midget line. Although I think they prefer the term ‘vertically challenged.’
I wondered what the hell you were talking about.
Does that thing come with a warning label like “Turning steering wheel while tabletop still attached could result in spilling of alcoholic beverages.”
Like me, Unc, you obviously have way too much time on your hands.
Chris
Well if this is the reason why Megan Fox left the Transformers’ franchise then her career is about to “tank” just as fast as Lindsay Lohans !
I see that Seth Rogen has been cast to play the title role of ” The Green Hornet” which is due for release next year ?
AP
Hey, Al, at least doesn’t have to wear an ankle bracelet wherever she goes.
And Green Hornet now? When will Hollywood discover an original script?
Chris Humpherys
There’s very little creativity in Hollywood in terms of the writers. They’ rather rehash crap and resell to the public because they believe there’s a built in audience there ready and waiting. Hence the reason behind “The A-Team” perhaps the worse piece of crap to be adapted for the big screen in a while !
Not even a half dressed Jessica Biel showing off her ta-ta’s could save that movie. And what the hell was Liam Neeson thinking ? After making a terrific movie like “Wanted” he sinks to this level ?
AP
Chris
That should read ” Taken” and not Wanted .
AP
I did dig me some Taken, Al.
But the question remains. Will Neeson make more off A-Team or Taken?
And by the way, I enjoyed Wanted too.
Chris
Budget for “The A-Team” … conservatively about $120million shall we say ? Now add into that the publicity and ancillaries and it pushes that figure closer to $200 million worldwide. So when it’s all said and done the movie will have to do in excess of $300 million worldwide to show a profit. DVD sales come later.
Neeson probably made tidy figure for Taken and given the fact it grossed in excess of $250 million worldwide on a mere budget of $50 million. I’d say he and the company are liable to clean up !
Let’s all thank the French for participating in the World Cup and hopefully their return to France will then also include a trip to the Bastille ! Karma is a bitch and Thierry Henry now ought to remember that after the deliberate hand ball incident in the qualifying game against Ireland. Karma has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass. ‘nough said N’est pas vive la France ils somme petit couchons !
AP
Chris
Are you honestly willing to have either Pinellas ro Hillsborough counties finance a deal for a new stadium ? I know we’re told it’ll be monies provided via the tourist tax from the hotels and other sources. But given the fact that the state and both county governments have some severe budgetary problems . Where’s the money to come from if in part Sternberg and his partners aren’t even showing good faith by putting up any of their damn money to begin with.
AP
I think the sleepwalking one was my favorite…. damn, that was funny.
Man, there aren’t any movies worth watching this summer. I can’t really see one that I’m remotely excited about. Fortunately, I bought a bunch of bootlegged DVD’s while I was in China, so I won’t have to suffer through crappy movies like this one.
Is there even a nude scene with Fox in it!?! That could be the only reason it might be watchable…
Not a bad gig if you can get it, Al.
I do believe I’d sell out for millions… if only I were ever given the opportunity.
And I don’t weep for the French, but I will be weeping for the USA if they can’t handle their biz against Algeria in the a.m.
I’ll be watching.
Al…
I think we’re a long way before they pack up and leave and I do think there are other options that need to be discussed.
All sides just need to initiate the dialogue.
KP…. Yeah, nice, huh?
Can you imagine being Fox, giving your all to that performance (theoretically) and reading that review?
Ouch!
Chap…
Those aren’t like the bootleg DVDs you get on Canal Street in NYC, are they?
I bought one of those once. Some guy had brought his movie camera into the theater, filmed it and then sold mass copies on the street.
All I could hear was people in the audience laughing and all I could see was the back of someone’s head.
Chris
If Goodman and the City of Vegas says to Sternberg we’ve got a 56,000 seat stadium ready for you and all you’ve got to do is sign on the dotted line. These will be answers courtesy of Sternberg and the Rays to the community in the Bay area ……..” screw you thanks but no thanks . You’re a bunch of two bit wannabes with a third rate mentality and that includes the fair weather fans in the community as well” ! You’re in no way looking at this thing logically to begin with ! The fans bitch and whine about where the Trop is situated . But when it’s all said and done only on average between 10,000-15,000 turn up for a game. How the hell are the Rays meant to be a viable business concern from that sort of a turn out ?
Only from the curiosity factor will the fans come out and then when it’s all said and done they’ll continue to do what they’ve been often known for and that is to become fair weather fans. That’s the mindset in the area when it comes to the Rays and you know it ! So why not just admit it ?
Alan Parkins
All I do know, Al, is that this is going to be a long, drawn-out process and it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if both the fans and the team are held hostage until a decision is made.
No I think they are better than that. These were true bootlegs, unfortunately some have distortions to the picture. Like a couple I’ve watched have a weird bar/line on them that the picture is a little distorted. One movie I watched had some different parts in it than the original… All in all, not bad though, and since they cost less than $1 they work pretty well!
Good thing Doin’ Work and SportsChump don’t charge and hold true to their original form then, huh?
I liked this round-up, kind of actually makes me want to see this in an “epically bad” type of way.
This was my favorite review:
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2010/06/jonah-hex-is-the-funniest-movie-of-the-summer
Funny, Ry.
I’ll admit to almost wanting to see Hex to see if it could possibly be as bad as everyone said.