David Beckham hires help

Following in the embarrassing footsteps of Eugene Robinson, Eddie Murphy and Hugh Grant, David Beckham has become the most recent star to be accused of attaining ahem… “hired help.”

In response to an In Touch Weekly article, which accuses one of the world’s most recognizable athletes of sexual infidelity, Mr. Beckham has allegedly given his attorneys a blank check to clear his name.  Let’s hope he didn’t mimic Jerry Springer and hand over one of those very same personal checks to his high-dollar, business associate.

Whether or not these accusations are true, this story is still quite amusing… to everyone except Posh Spice, of course.  Either a Beckham-obsessed female posed as a call girl and publicly accused the soccer star of paying her five figures for sexual favors or Beckham actually paid ten grand to get laid, giving the phrase “Bending it like Beckham” a whole new meaning.

A few things surprise me here… and one of them is not that Beckham would cheat on his wife.  I was always more of a Baby Spice fan anyway.  Everyone’s body is a temple but Mrs. Beckham’s appears to be renovated monthly.  Her plastic surgeon is aware that breasts are supposed to be soft, right?

Anyway, here’s what I find amazing about soccer star numero uno’s latest controversy:

Isn’t Beckham one of the world’s best looking dudes?  The guy’s a supermodel.  Couldn’t he pretty much bed just about any female around?  So why the need for ten grand?  Ask Tiger Woods about what good hush money does.  Wanna be bold, David?  Have a woman pay YOU for sex.  Now that’d be cool.

Beckham’s alleged mistress, Irma Nici, said the sex lasted about fifteen minutes, and rated it a 7.5 out of ten.  You’d think for ten K, he could have gotten a little more bang for his buck… and a few more stars to boot.  If he had only coughed up a few hundred, don’t tell me she wouldn’t have given him a lower rating?

Speaking of a one with four zeros, if Beckham is going to continue on his alleged shopping spree, can the Tampa Bay Rowdies looking into signing him to a contract.  We could introduce him to some of our ‘friendlier’ local establishments to jumpstart the economy.  Ten grand would be just about enough to buy the remaining, unsold Buccaneers tickets so we can finally watch them on TV.

Has Nici’s pimp surpassed Steve Williams, Tiger Woods’ caddy, as the man who pockets more money for doing as little work as possible?

None of the major sporting outlets, ESPN.com, CNNSI.com, Foxsports.com, have yet to report the alleged details of the Beckham case but fortunately sportschump.net doesn’t have to answer to a higher authority.

Let this be a lesson, people.  Money can’t buy you love.  It apparently can’t buy you a few extra stars in the sack either.

And once again, it appears I have chosen the wrong profession.

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35 Replies to “David Beckham hires help”

  1. I don’t know much about soccer, but for 10 grand I can give him a few tips gauranteed to improve that rating.

  2. Now that we know that the average Bucs’ fans IQ is marginally below average can we get the fans in the area as well as the idiots from the Pewter Report to shut the hell up once and for all ?

    As for Rah he needs to get down off that high horse of his and stop making asinine comparisons between present day Bucs’ players and Hall of Famers. What’s he on crack ?

    tophatal 🙂

  3. I hadn’t heard Morris say anything like that but dare I say there’s not a person on this roster, at any position, that can compare to some of the players we’ve had in the past.

    Maybe Rah is trying to paint a visual for the fans since nobody in the area has yet to see a game on television.

  4. Not even hush money is enough! I’m not sure why call girls would want to blow the whistle. I thought they had some kind of code where they don’t expose clients… Oh well, I guess that’s why a chick was fired from the bunny ranch, because she said she saw tiger there!

  5. Enjoyed this post immensely…very well done.

    BTW, I wonder if Glenn “Chalkboard” Beck’s favorite movie was “Night Shift”….hmmmmmm…..

  6. Why, thank you, sir.

    Coming from one of my favorite independent sports analysts, that means quite a bit.

    And even though I’ve seen it 1,000 times, I can’t watch that Keaton scene without laughing.

  7. Chris

    Rah is simply trying to live in the moment. As to the prostitution thing it’s all about perception and entrapment.

    I’ve heard it said that Glenn Beck speaks the truth ? Wasn’t the same thing being said about Pinocchio and Col Oliver North ?

    As to the soccer star Becks this isn’t the first time he’s been caught up in something like this. Twice before he got caught up back in the UK … once with a stripper and the other time with a chick who was supposedly the nanny to his kids ?

    I guess he was taking lessons from the actor Jude Law or Christie Brinkley’s ex ? Home nailed the baby sitter and then was so engrossed in porn via the ‘net’ that it was costing him over $5000 per month ?

    tophatal 🙂

  8. Chris

    The Buffalo Bills are said to be circling the wagons ? Even Custer’s last stand at the Little Big Horn was this bad !

    tophatal 🙂

  9. Re: the Bills, I can’t possibly see how they expected any sort of success from this team, particularly in the division in which they play.

    At least they had the good sense to finally get rid of Trent Edwards.

  10. Chris

    If the Rays’ pitching roster is that much of a problem for Maddon then he ought to be somewhat worried. But to my mind I’d rather see Hellickson in the bullpen. Just because he baffled a few hitters in the season doesn’t mean the same thing will happen in postseason play. It’s a different sort of atmosphere altogether and that’s what I think you’re forgetting. The kid has no real experience on that type of stage so why throw him in at the deep end ? Did it not work for Price that way in ’08 ?

    tophatal … 🙂

  11. Chris

    What more is there to be said on the issue concerning Longo’ ? He’s said it because he doesn’t like what he’s seeing from the fans. But at the same time does he not fully understand why it is that this team has never drawn fans in droves ? The bay area is filled with a bunch of fickle individuals furthermore the vast majority within the area are from elsewhere and their loyalties lay elsewhere . What’s so incomprehensible about that ?

    MLB says that the team’s avg home attendance is 23,000 per game. In what world is that happening ? They wished ……. because on most nights you’re liable to get less than 20,000 coming through the gates at the Trop.

    tophatal 🙂

  12. Chris

    In the midst of dropping a piece on the upcoming game ‘tween ‘bama and the Gators . I’ll leave a link when it’s up .

    tophatal 🙂

  13. In your piece concerning Longo you’d better explain to the patrons what legacy the Rays allegedly have as it concerns winning . Because at the end of the days that’s what the fans want ……. nothing more nothing less and it’s not as if the player much less the team knows what that’s about as they’ve only learned how to win in the last two n years plus.

    tophatal 🙂

  14. Al…

    Let’s just say that you and I agree to disagree on Longo’s comments. Still working on that piece. I’ll let you know when it’s up and I’ll be over to check out your latest in a bit.

  15. Chris

    The Yankees’ rotation beyond Sabathia and Rivera wreaks of despondency. They’ve all got their cheeks clenched as if it’s their first time inside a jail cell. Girardi had better get that ship righted before it sinks.

    As for Longo that statement was unnecessary. If he wanted gee up the fans then it’d have been better had he simply stated he wants them to turn up in droves rather than berating them . The Rays when it comes to showing goodwill are in the area between Bin Laden and Josef Mengele as they always tend to put their foot in their mouth !

    Here’s the ‘bama Gator piece.

    Who’s Time Is It Anyway ……. All Things Point To The SEC …. Well At The Moment It Does !

    tophatal ……… 🙂

  16. Tophatal,

    I guess it would be better if Raheem said the whole team sucks and the cupboard is bare? Obviously you have never coached. It’s called motivation and setting goals and no Bucs fans will not shut up. It’s called the first amendment, look it up. The Pewter Report is done by fans. At the risk of again pimping the library, fans is short for fanatics. By definition its not about being right, its about supporting your team regardless. Does that equate to marginal intelligence or loyalty? I guess you gave an IQ test to all Bucs fans and I was unavailable that day. Rah has won 4 of his last six games, the Bucs have a ton of young talent and the future looks bright. I will admit to homerism as I am a fan of the team.

    Great post CH. Knowledge of sports and a great sense of humor = a good read.

  17. Be right over to check out the Florida-Bama piece, Al.

    I think that most Yankees fans worry about the rotation but come October, they always seem to get it done.

    Don’t you worry, Longoria opinion will be coming shortly.

  18. Let Al have it, Seth. I was gonna say, what’s Rah supposed to tell his team? That they suck (even though they do).

    The organization has let Rah and his staff groom this roster. Time will tell how long both are allowed to remain sub-par.

    But… allowing Charlie Batch and the Steelers to score that many points is unacceptable.

  19. Pingback: Sports Chump » They said what?!? Albert Haynesworth on the Redskins, Evan Longoria on Rays fans and an end to our mosquito crisis

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