Week 4 in the NFL: ACo gets religious, counts byes as victories

So after 3 weeks of football, for the most part, you have a pretty good grasp of how the rest of the season is going to play out. You know which teams are contenders and which teams are garbage. You can tell whether your fantasy team has any shot of taking home the title. You know whether that schmuck writing the below average blog posts on an otherwise fantastic web site has any idea how to pick against the spread (self deprecating slam!)

The NFL is getting into the swing of things and by now, you’ve totally forgotten about a summer filled with holdouts, CBA disagreements and having to listen to that QUACK Mike Lombardi make awful predictions. Also 4 teams have byes this week, so that means that there are 2 less games that I have the opportunity to pick incorrectly! So without further ado, here are my picks this week (with the home teams in bold).

Titans (-6.5) over Denver

Chris Johnson is fast. I wonder how many requests on a daily basis Jeff Fisher gets from his special teams coach asking if he could have Chris Johnson return kicks. Picture that for a second…Chris Johnson, with 10 blockers in front of him and about 20 yards of open space. How many yards does it take him in that scenario to get to full speed. 4? Screw injuries, I’m not a Titans fan. I kindly request, oh great Jeff Fisher, that you have this man return kicks. Good day, sir.

Panthers (+13.5) over Saints

I was playing Madden a few days ago and they zoomed in on Jimmy Clausen on the sideline. I’ve never seen someone look so ridiculous. I started cracking up. Then I googled him and realized he looks exactly the same in real life. Go back to the long hair Jimmy. The buzz cut is not doing your head shape any favors.

Browns (+3) over Bengals

It’s games like these that make me so happy that I no longer live in the Midwest (although when I think about it, remember when Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson were good and this game had both team score in the 40s. Ah, the good ‘ole days).

Detroit (+14.5) over Green Bay

One day, the Detroit Lions will win a game on the road. This will not be that day.

Bills (+5.5) over Jets

This is the section where I would usually gloat about my Jets being 2-1 and playing great football. Do you really think I’m that stupid? You do know that the great Chan Gailey reads this site religiously, right? Do you think I’m trying to give him any motivation, something to pin up in the locker room? Well no, Chan, that’s not going to happen. Keep up the good work and the best of luck to you in your future endeavors. That Fitzpatrick guy is a really smart fellow. If he can get into Harvard, I’m sure he can figure out how to throw a football. Also, I think Chan is a wonderfully, not-stupid name.

Ravens (+1.5 ) over Steelers

Did you see the video of the Ohio mascot attacking the Ohio St. mascot? Most people don’t know that Ben Roethlisberger was actually the guy inside the Ohio suit. I can’t believe that didn’t get more air time on SportsCenter.

Falcons (-6.5) over Cardinals

Not that I watch it, but when does Kurt Warner play the god card on Dancing With the Stars. Considering how well the Tea Party is doing these days, don’t you think that would guarantee him the competition? If I were god (although not 100%, I’m relatively sure that I’m not) I would totally root for “The Situation” on DWTS. Apparently he’s a really nice guy and fun to hang out with. I’ve actually been working out consistently for like 6 weeks, easily my longest stretch ever. I’ve noticed a retraction in my beer guy region of like a quarter of an inch. I can’t even fathom how long it would take me to get my abs to look like “The Situation’s”. So for that I give him Kudos and my vote on DTWS. But that vote is pretty meaningless considering, I’m not god (again, not 100% percent sure) and I would obviously never cast my vote on a reality show.

Rams (+1) over Seahawks

Damn East Coast! Always hindering me from watching riveting match ups like this one.

Colts (+7.5) over Jaguars

I’m really surprised no one is talking about this, but think about how lucky Tim Tebow is right now (relative to the scenario I’m about to present, not simply in general. Obviously he’s lucky, he’s in the NFL). So the guy has one of the best selling Jerseys in the league. He can sign massive endorsement deals and go to autograph signing sessions and rake in a cool six figures for a few hours of work before ever playing a game in the NFL. HOWEVER! What if he was drafted by the Jaguars? Garrard is done, so much so that they picked up Trent Edwards off waivers. Trust me folks, I’ve seen enough of that fellow to tell you that experiment won’t end well. So imagine that Tebow is a Jacksonville Jaguar. He’s playing by week five right? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DISASTER. There is AN EXTREMELY SMALL CHANCE that Tebow will EVER be a legitimate NFL quarterback or even a capable starting quarterback, let alone 5 measly games into this young season. I know Tebow loves Jesus and is pure and everyone loves him, but how long would that realistically last while he’s terrible at football week after week (probably forever because this is America and America is full of stupid people, but I digress). How long did Ryan Leaf have? I’m not saying he’s the next Ryan Leaf, because Tebow doesn’t have half the expectations that guy had, but Tebow is gonna be bad. So had he been drafted by the Jaguars, Tebow would have started his inevitable decline into badness quite quickly, giving him probably 2 years before he would either have to a)switch positions or b) quit the NFL and make a crap load of money going on tour talking about religion and stuff (or whatever he wants really, cuz like I said, there are a whole lot of Tea Partiers out there these days). On the Broncos, he’s got a solid 2 years (not to mention a much better coach for grooming QBs) before he has to do ANYTHING. Just chill on the bench, collect his paycheck and love Jesus. Then again, he really can’t lose. Maybe this religion thing isn’t such a bad idea?

Raiders (+3) over Texans

Chargers (-8) over Cardinals

Redskins (+6.5) over Eagles

Giants (-4) over Bears

Dolphins (+1) over Patriots

I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson today. Although banging lots of hot coeds and getting wasted with your teammates is a pretty awesome way to spend four years in college, if you are one of the elite players who doesn’t quite project well to NFL stardom (and you’re WHITE–>not trying to be racist, but seriously, would a black religious guy get half the love that Tebow gets? Total BS.) you should totally be religious. See you in church, boys!

Last week: 8-8

This season: 11-20-1

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