So you want to be Commissioner: A multiple choice test

Nobody ever said being the boss was easy.

Four of the world’s more powerful men, Messrs. Selig, Stern, Bettman and Goodell, commissioners of Major League Baseball, the NBA, NHL and NFL respectively, have come under a fair amount of scrutiny in recent years.  Their actions are constantly criticized and it seems that nobody ever has a single nice word to say about them.

Well, we’ve come up with a little quiz to see if you can do any better.  Grab a pad and pen and write down your answers to the following situational questions.  Tally your score below, then see if you’d make it big managing the sport of your dreams.

Question 1

If one of your coaches or managers argues with an official, then publicly criticizes your league’s officiating afterward, you…

a)      suggest both manager and referee settle their score in an arm-wrestling contest, cook-off or cage match duel to the death.

b)      ignore the situation, understanding that conflict is an inevitable part of life.

c)      fine the coach but protect the official at all costs.  After all, people make mistakes and human error is, and always will be, a part of your game.

Question 2

If a player in your league fails a drug test, you…

a)      re-examine your league’s current drug policy, understanding that everybody deserves a good buzz every now and then.

b)      boast that you have the most rigid drug-testing policy of any of the professional sports leagues.

c)      suspend the player without any sort of investigation. Who cares if they had steroid-injected beef for dinner?  Guilty until proven innocent, you always say.

Question 3

If there’s a renewed clamoring for instant replay in your sport, you…

a)      immediately call all interested parties into play with the hopes of improving the way your sport is officiated.

b)      maintain the status quo.  You still don’t know how to properly work your DVR.

c)      instant replay?  What’s instant replay?

Question 4

If smaller market teams complain they can’t get a fair shake and push for more equitable revenue sharing, you…

a)      tell those owners they need to develop a more committed fan base.

b)      encourage some Russian billionaire to buy one or more of your franchises.

c)      Who cares?  You answer to the top dogs.  New York and Los Angeles can always support another team.

Question 5

When the players in your league threaten to strike, you…

a)      go with the flow.   You could use the season off.

b)      unite players and owners, forcing them to find a fair way to divide a multi-billion dollar pie.

c)      let the owners handle it.  After all, they’re the ones writing the checks.

Question 6

An official in your league made an incorrect call that affected the outcome of a game…

a)      the buck stops with you. State your sport is flawed and that you’ll make it your dying wish to make things right.

b)      Call for a do-over.

c)      Hey, that’s life.  It all evens out in the end.

Question 7

If a blogger calls you out publicly, you…

a)      listen to what they have to say as long as it’s an educated suggestion. After all, independent news sources are the wave of the future.

b)      correct their grammar then publicly ridicule them for their utterly useless points of view.

c)      fail to acknowledge they even exist.

Question 8

If it is discovered that an official or player fixed a game, you…

a)      are miffed you didn’t have action on that particular contest.

b)      prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, then let prisoners handle the matter with their own sense of pipe-hitting justice.

c)      promise fans full disclosure of your investigation into the matter, then pretend the incident never happened.

Question 9

If a well-known player in your league sends explicit pictures of himself to a league employee, you…

a) commend him publicly on the size of his phallus and consider making it the new emblem for your league.

b) suspend him for his lack of good judgment, then immediately erase any such pictures you’ve ever taken of yourself.

c) look the other way, understanding that what one of your employees does with his johnson is his own business.

Question 10

If your game faces repeated concussion/injury problems, you…

a)      employ scientists to ensure the problem will eventually be resolved.

b)      shrug it off.  Professional sports is physical.  You’re doing the best you can.

c)      institute new rules that protect the league’s most marketable players at all costs.  After all, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette.

Question 11

Your league is accused of unfair opportunity for minority advancement, you…

a)      immediately hire a hot, Mexican intern to silence your critics.

b)      prove otherwise, showing statistically how your league has great strides since the 1970s.

c)      officially retire the number of one of your league’s most celebrated African-American athletes so that nobody will notice.

Question 12

If one of your players holds the sport hostage when announcing his return to the league, you…

a)      require specific time frames for players to announce their intentions.

b)      Leave it up to his team’s owners and coaches.  They’re the ones he has to answer to.

c)      Nothing. Any publicity is good publicity.

Well done, sports fans.  Now give yourself 1 point for every a) answer, 2 points for every b) answer and 3 points for every c) answer.

If you scored between:

12-18 – Congratulations!  You just turned your league into the XFL!

19-26 – Sensibility is your strong suit.  Go ahead and give yourself a 10% pay raise at the expense of your fan base.

27-36 – You are cut from the traditional commissioner’s cloth.  Wait for the inevitable release of Bud Selig’s autobiography.

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24 Replies to “So you want to be Commissioner: A multiple choice test”

  1. I scored a 29, but the quiz just points out that all of the commissioners are major assholes, starting with #1 David Stern, followed in close order by Bud Selig, Gary Bettman and Roger Goodell. Stern’s new rules re: technical fouls will ruin the game from the fan’s standpoint. Selig is a total numbnut re: steroids, instant replay. Bettman still can’t get a handle on the NHLs gratuitous violence. Goodell can’t be a commissioner AND a beat cop.

  2. I got a 22. What can I say, I like hot Mexican chicks and really doesn’t everyone need a good buzz now and then?

  3. Snake…

    I do honestly feel for these guys.

    In order of futility, I’d rank Bettman the worst for basically running a sport that can’t seem to attract viewers outside of Canada or the Northeast, Selig second for obvious reasons and then Goodell and Stern tied.

    It’s hard to imagine the NBA without the power Jew at the helm, man. He’s been running things since I became a fan and I generally come to his defense.

    Sure, he had marketable players upon which to build his sport but he did so and is responsible for making the sport, good or bad, what it is today. Is he getting a little crotchety in his old age? Sure, who doesn’t?

    I think we should be careful what we wish for, for unless I’m the next NBA Commissioner, the grass may not always be greener.

  4. Chris

    The two things that ties the four together , avarice and their love of money. Anyone who feels that they have had the best interests of their respective sports e at heart is either on hallucinogenics or they just arrived here from another planet within the solar system .

    I hear that the pictures of Favre’s member was actually photo-shopped into the text messages sent to Sterger ? If that’s not deflating enough then what is ? Pardon the pun there using the word ‘deflating’ and Favre’s member within this topic !

    tophatal 🙂

  5. My take on making the NBA better, make Mark Cuban the commissioner. He’s a guy that knows how to make it work. As for Stern, he is too old and he’s been around too long. I remember when Larry O’Brien was the NBA commissioner and their only problem was that the majority of the players were all smoking pot. Stern may be responsible for the increase in attendance but he’s turning off a lot of the fans(his ultimate boss). The NBA has the WORST officials of any league and that pussy Stern backs them every time.

  6. Great questions!

    Question 13: If the officiating in your league is absolutely horrendous what should you do?

    Correct answer: If there is even the slightest objection to a call, demand that your referees give the player a technical and eject him if necessary.

  7. Cuban for Commish, Snake? Not so sure that would work. He’s a progressive mind but I’ve never thought the commissioner should be an owner. Look at Selig. Too much of a conflict of interest. You’re not trading in your Celtics green for Maverick blue, are you?

    And have you been watching baseball lately? There’s a blown call every game!

  8. Drew…

    As you can see from Snake’s (and others’) comments, Stern is catching a lot of heat for his new No Tolerance policy from his refs.

    I think Snake is just pissed KG got tossed from an exhibition game last night.

    We all know that stuff will even itself out come December.

  9. 34. I guess I’m ready, which is good, since I’m available. BTW, I love hockey, the violence is no more gratuitous than that in baseball and re: question 9, choice b, you know once they’re out there, they’ll always be out there. 🙂 One of your better posts, bro.

  10. 25…nuf said. If you have ever tried to run an organization as large as these are and do your best to keep as many people satisfied, you realize they are doing the best they can. Is it THE best that could be done…absolutley not…but, if the players wanted to change things,or the owners, then I think impeachment proceedings are in order!

  11. Love the backhanded pokes at each league. I scored a 22, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be a commishioner. I think I’d rather own a team! I can’t say I like any of the commisioners at the moment. Goodell is the only one smart enough to embrace the 21st century, so I’d give him the nod for the best at present. I just wonder how they decide what is best for their particular league. I mean, if the public is crying for replay in baseball don’t you think they’d do it? If fans are crying for new refs in the NBA wouldn’t you change them? Loyalty died with newspapers did, so why stand by the refs union?!?

    All that being said, I’m sure I don’t understand a lot of what goes into being the commish, but I have been one for fantasy leagues, and feel that all the participants were happy with the outcome of my rulings!

  12. Unfortunately, Mony, commissioners, unlike the Prez, are essentially unimpeachable.

    I mean, Selig, who is an owner, and clearly has the rest of the owners’ backing, couldn’t possibly be impeached. I mean, who has the power to impeach? Certainly not the fans. Nor do the players.

    He’s long been one of the more unpopular commissioners in modern sports and yet they’re erecting statues in his honor.

    Are we mere saps as sports fans for allowing this to happen or should we have more of a say?


    (Whoops, sorry, was reverting back to my Public Enemy post for a second)

  13. Chap…

    First of all, I have no doubt that if you were the owner of the Golden State Warriors, they’d be a consistent contender. Plus it’d be good to see Nellie and his mock turtlenecks back on the sidelines.

    People rag Stern, but as I said earlier, I’ve always been a fan of his. His league isn’t crying poor and his expansion into Europe is unprecedented.

    Remind me to tell you of the time I accosted him at an NBA Finals game… which is again, a story for another time.

  14. Chris

    So Brett’s got tennis elbow ? Pity it can’t find it’s way to his lower extremities !

    Here Ditka’s rant about Sterger ? Is he a mindless dumb ass or what ?

    I’m hoping that NBA can make some inroads in N Korea , Yemen , Iran , Iraq and Afghanistan ! Then perhaps we can attain some peace with our enemies ? LOL,LOL,LOL !!! What are the chances of that happening then ? Care to lay a bet ?

    tophatal 🙂

  15. Al…

    It sounds like Favre got that tennis elbow because Sterger would never come up to his room.

    And I haven’t heard Ditka’s comments but it doesn’t surprise me. The NFL always protect their own. I’m surprised John Madden hasn’t put a contract out on Sterger’s head.

    And Al, you can’t repeatedly crack on Stern then ask him to create peace abroad. He’ll demand an apology from you before he works his magic. And you damn better give it or else you’ll be sleeping with the fishes.

  16. Chris

    Ditka like his accomplices over at ESPN are bunch of cretins ! Stern wants peace as much as the Israelis and Palestinians do …….. but it has to come at a cost and that’s preferably not out of his pocket.

    I hear Goodell is now looking at ways of avoiding blackouts in the NFL ? His solution survey the illegal aliens in the US to see if any of ’em are interested in attending the games on a Sunday or Monday night. They’ll be well paid but if that doesn’t work he’ll outsource and look to bring in Asians to attend the games . That’s not meant to be bigoted but isn’t that the way the US economy is now going ? Outsource everything ?

    tophatal 🙂

  17. I agree that Stern’s vision into Europe has been much better than the NFL’s, but in the end I don’t like the way he runs the league. It was already top heavy in the 90’s and what does he do? He adds more teams so there’s more crappy ones…

    Love to hear your Stern story when you can integrate it sometime!

  18. The solution for blackouts seems both simple and two-fold, Al.

    Have either the league or someone in the community that can afford to, buy local kids tickets. A) you’re filling the stands and allowing the locals to watch the games on TV and B) you’re building a new generation of fans. Instead of alienating, you’re welcoming.

    Sure it costs money but what successful business doesn’t reinvest in itself?

    Commissioner Goodell, you’re welcome for this free advice. The next one’ll cost ya’, though.

  19. Chap…

    I was so inspired, I wrote a rough draft of the time I was “Chillin’ with Stern” last night, so it should be up early next week.

    I’ll have my people contact your people.

  20. Pingback: So you want to be Commissioner: A multiple choice test, MLB | Hyping the Best Sports Blogs, News | BallHyped

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