Holiday Chumpservations, Vol. 18: When restroom technology and jewelry commercials go awry

I was at my local sports pub the other night, throwing back a few pints, terrorizing some all-I-could-eat wings and trying to determine whether the Bears-Vikings or Magic-Hawks game I was watching was more meaningless.

After becoming totally disinterested with both blowouts, I ventured into the men’s room to rinse the teriyaki glaze off my fingernails.  Hungry yet?

After thoroughly scrubbing my hands, I turned towards the paper towel dispenser to find one of those new-fangled models hanging on the tile wall.  You know the kind, guys.  The motion-sensor ones that kick out that half a strip of paper towel which is never enough for one drying.

I stood there like an idiot, waving my wet hands, trying to get that little red light to turn on, for about a minute before I realized the darned thing wasn’t working.

Ok, now what?  Wipe my wet hands on my jeans, old-fashioned style?  Contact management?  Rage against the machine?

These new-fangled, motion sensor models are like Fort Knox.  I was afraid I would have tripped an alarm had I tried to tinker with it.  At least with the older models, you could either wind the metal wand or work your fingers up into the device to grab whatever paper was left inside.  These new ones have those spiked teeth ready to jab like rental car parking lots if you drive out the wrong exit.

The paper sat inside, taunting me.  I stood there confounded and wet-handed.

In the end, I went old school.  I did a few quick air hand shakes, then went straight to the denim on my thighs.  I neglected to tell management their machine was out of order.  I’ll leave that to the next lucky employee who chooses to wash his hands after using the lavatory.

Knowing that place, that might be a while.

* * *

I have a buddy who’s depressed after going through a pretty, nasty break-up.

He’s an avid sports fan, as well as an honorary member of the SportsChump Consiglieri, which means he digests a steady diet of ESPN programming.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed this, but we sure as hell have.  During the holidays, the Kay, Jared and Zales commercials are relentless.  I know they’re just trying to help us dolts with what to buy the women in our lives, but all they’re doing is sinking my boy deeper into depression, even more so than the Giants allowing 28 fourth quarter points to the Eagles.

The endless pendant, necklace and engagement rings ads are nauseating for those of us who have chosen never to wed but there’s one that’s particularly disturbing.

There’s a couple vacationing in a log cabin somewhere.  They’re wearing turtleneck sweaters, sipping hot cocoa and staring out the window when a storm breaks out.  The thunder startles the woman right into her man’s arms.  He then tells her “Don’t worry.  I’ll be here.  Forever.”  Then proposes.


When in the history of mankind has this ever happened?

We’ve all experienced bad breakups in our lives but they’re compounded exponentially over the holidays with these commercials.  At this point, I think a pawn shop commercial where the jilted fiancée sells back an engagement ring for cents on the dollar is a little more true to form.

Either way, I’m here for my boy.  He doesn’t even have to buy me jewelry or make me hot cocoa.

A nice bottle of Jack Daniels will do just fine.

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26 Replies to “Holiday Chumpservations, Vol. 18: When restroom technology and jewelry commercials go awry”

  1. Nicely done Sportschump. Ive been waiting for that jewelry post. Trust me, those commercials (& the heavy guilt/manipulation) offend ALL of us.
    Well written & enjoyed sharing some of those wings 🙂

  2. I was wondering why I got the manhug that night…you were using the back of my shirt to dry yr hands! 🙂

  3. “Rage against the machine”, hell yea brother! I hate those new fangled contraptions and don’t even get me started on the faucets with the motion sensors. Give me the old school dispenser with the real cloth towel on the spool,that was when men were men.

  4. I will say that I’m cool with the self-flushing toilets, Aer.

    I don’t know if you remember Sam Kinison’s skit about not wanting to touch anything in the men’s room. He’d kick open the stall door, flush the toilet and turn on the faucet with his feet to avoid contact. Pretty damn funny.

    And hey, if the toilet don’t flush, well that’s the next guy in there’s problem.

  5. Chris

    Mankind has come a long way from having to learn to walk on two feet having walking on all fours like many of cousins within the jungle . Fortunately we’ve somehow learned to wash out hands defecating whatever else we might choose to do.

    No truth to the rumor that the Giants’ mishaps can be put down to the fact their playbook ended up on WikiLeaks. But then again who knows ?


    tophatal ………………

  6. Well, some of us have, Al.

    And I heard that wikileaks line on Letterman. Pretty funny.

    Did you hear what he also said about the Giants’ loss? He said since the Knicks are doing well, someone else has to suck when the Mets are off.


  7. I agree with Aero… Bring back the old, linen, on a continuous loop, hand dryers…. they could also come into play when there was no TP available. LOL

  8. Damn, you’re right. I remember those things.

    They had that little blue line running down the middle of ’em.

    Ya’ know what though, man?

    After a while, those things got pretty ratty.

    Nothing like seeing stains left from you don’t know what to convince someone NOT to dry their hands after washing.

    I’m starting to be sorry I ever posted this.

    I feel nauseous.

  9. I love the new auto paper towel machine bro! Last thing I want to do is touch something wet where some dude was just fondling his junk. It does suck when they don’t work but I’d rather use my jeans than touch a wet paper towel machine (insert jokes about my manhood here). The jewlery commercials do suck but I saw some great parodies via email and they almost made up for it!

  10. re: Hanahan. By law, you can only wipe your butt with a continuous loop cloth dispenser, if you’ve taken a dump in a wall mounted urinal. Nuff said.

  11. I feel ya, I’m less excited about the holidays each year. I’ve had the same girlfriend for almost three years now, and those commercials while we are watching TV are rough to avoid the marriage question haha! Hope your friend feels better. Time heals all wounds, unless your a sports fan, then you never forget. Damn, we are cursed!

  12. Snake…

    Without going into gruesome detail, I’ve seen a buddy do that.

    I don’t remember who exactly it was but I’m pretty sure he’s probably in jail right now.

  13. Chris

    The less said about the Giants the better off the NFL will be. That whole display is an embarrassment and for those Giants’ fans out there who still believes that Eli is a $100 million qb and leader then they’re obviously been misinformed and so too has been the Giants’ front office. Eli Manning couldn’t lead a horse to water much less this team . Fortuitously he’s won a Superbowl and it may well be his only one when it’s all said and done. He’s simply not been that good over the course of his career.

    tophatal …………

  14. Chris

    Do you believe that if Auriemma were a coaching a men’s team he’d going off like he has ? He ought to keep his mouth shut and make do what notice the team is getting at the moment . Other than NCAA tournament time does anyone really take an interest in women’s basketball on any level ? My God the WNBA struggles to even reach an audience so you can guess how it is for the women’s game at the college level . Is it any wonder it gets minimal attention from EPSN in terms of television coverage ?

    Larry Brown will make a quick return to the NBA as like Favre he doesn’t know when to call it quits !

    A Merry Christmas To You All And A Prosperous New Year !

    tophatal ……………..

  15. Chris

    Coughlin isn’t the problem with the Giants it’s the whole mindset of the team as they’ve become complacent and lazy . One could blame the coach and staff but when you have a qb that has an IQ of a gnat and about as much leadeship capability as Senate Leadership of the Democrats then what the hell do you expect ?

    tophatal ………….

  16. Al…

    If you must know, I think that if Geno were coaching a men’s team, he’d be even more boastful.

    Like him or not, what he’s accomplished with that program has been quite impressive and, like it or not, unprecedented.

    He might be abrasive to some but tell me his women wouldn’t go to battle for him anytime, anywhere.

    Isn’t that all you want from a coach?

  17. Al…

    I don’t think you can lay the entire blame on the Giants’ recent complacency on Eli Manning.

    Just because you sleep with a Tom Brady pillow at night doesn’t mean that the quarterback has to be the leader on every team like it is on the Patriots.

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