Chumpservations, Vol. 22: Overpriced drinks, lost luggage, blackjack winners and lactation nurses

The Golden Goose

I have a buddy who’s a vodka drinker.  Grey Goose, two limes, light on the tonic.  He recently flew to Miami for a family wedding and stayed five nights at the Fontainebleau, which I hear is a spectacular hotel.

Upon ordering his signature drink at the lounge downstairs, the bartender handed him a bill for $19.50.

Now I know this is Miami and one of the world’s finest hotels but doesn’t twenty dollars for a cocktail seem a little excessive considering the entire bottle only costs a little more than thirty?  And we thought gasoline prices were out of hand.

My establishment charges nine dollars for Goose and customers complain about that.  I hope that when LeBron James took his talents to South Beach, aka Expensive Vodka Land, he knew what he was getting himself into.  Not that he’ll have to buy a drink in that town any time soon with the season they’ve had.

Either way, I’m pretty sure he can afford it.


Upon returning from Miami, that very same friend had his airline misplace his luggage.  Rough trip, huh?

He lost some personal belongings, a nice watch his girlfriend gave him as an anniversary present and some overpriced clothing he had purchased while on vacation.

But he didn’t have it nearly as bad as Manu Ginobili who, on his recent off-season exploits, had the airline lose… his dog.  No word as to whether Ginobili was flying Michael Vick Air.

The Spurs forward was reunited with his pup, Ciru, five days later.  My friend has yet to have his luggage returned.

My advice?  Next time, travel light.

Bringing Down The House

Someone’s been wrecking Atlantic City lately and unfortunately, it hasn’t been me.

At one point in our lives, we’ve all sat down at a blackjack table with $100, hit a hot streak to go up about forty bucks, only to have that chip stack dwindle away, wondering to ourselves, why didn’t we just walk away when we were up.

Few of us, however, have sat down at a high stakes blackjack table and taken a casino for twelve million dollars.

That’s exactly what Don Johnson of Bensalem, Pa. did recently. And they barred him for being too good a player.

Over the past six months, Johnson has been hotter than Florida asphalt in the summertime, taking down casino after Atlantic City casino.  Caesars Palace, Borgata, Tropicana are buildings into which he’s no longer allowed entry.  In a single twelve-hour sitting, he took the Tropicana for six million dollars.  That’s Garnett money and officially one less person who can complain about paying too much for a drink.

Is there a doctor in the house?

I took a friend to the hospital the other day for a doctor’s appointment.  As I dropped her off and rode downstairs in the elevator for a well-needed cup of joe, a woman clad in a white doctor’s gown entered the elevator behind me.

I glanced at her lapel to find her job title.  Lactation nurse.

And I thought tending bar was a fun career.  You mean they have people who get paid for fondling breasts all day?  Why was I never told about this?

“How was your day at work, hon?”  “Miserable, babe.  I did nothing but feel engorged hooters all day.  I so wish I had a normal desk job.”

I don’t mean to make light of anyone who’s chosen this profession.  They obviously perform an invaluable service to mothers and newborns worldwide.

I just want to know where to send in my application for I think I may have missed my calling.

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57 Replies to “Chumpservations, Vol. 22: Overpriced drinks, lost luggage, blackjack winners and lactation nurses”

  1. A correction Chris. Don Johnson won more than $15 mil in Atlantic City, not Las Vegas. the story follows:

    Ex-Philly Park boss took AC casinos for $15M in blackjack:
    Don Johnson, a former Philadelphia Park manager who now runs Heritage Development LLC, a racetrack-software firm, “took Caesars for more than $4 million, burned Borgata for about $5 million and then topped it off by beating Tropicana out of $5.8 million” in the past six months, forcing the Trop into the red, Donald Wittkowski of the Atlantic City Press reports here.

    Johnson and casino execs say beating the numbers it takes math skills, discipline – and lots of ready cash

  2. First of all, you know who drinks Grey Goose? Pretentious dipshits who deserve to get stuck for 20 bucks a pop. If you are in a five-star hotel ordering off the top shelf, you want people to think you are riding knee-deep in cash. So quit bitching when the hotel sticks it to you…you were asking for it.

    And if you want to deal with a bunch of engorged boobs, just wait for the next podcast.

  3. Lactation nursing? Is that what your life has come down to? Does she have a friend? lol

  4. I think that LBJ may well drink Ciroc Vodka but I may well be wrong ! However I do know that his momma likes to slap and verbally abuse the help at these establishments. . And tell your buddy if he’s hitting the Fontainebleau he ought to be carrying large as in at least a ” stack” ! That’s how all the high rollers do it at that particular establishment .

    I’ve always maintained that female breast milk is the best milk that there is bar none !

    So Shaq Fu has hung up his size 23’s for good ? Shouldn’t he have done this at least three years ago ? Mind you he’d have missed out hookin’ up with Hoopz Alexander , Flava Flav’s cast off .

    Nothing else to report from Columbus , Ohio but I’m sure that ESPN will keep us posted . They’ve become HLN’s __ Nancy Grace’s answer in terms of minute by minute coverage of an event . What is it with that woman and her coverage of the Casey Anthony trial ?

    Her blanket coverage of this trial and the OJ Simpson trial borders on being avaricious . Never mind that as a former DA and trial attorney she offers no impartiality . Hell I know that ….. it’s innocent until proven guilty but if Nancy Grace had her way there’d be a ritual beheading of Casey Anthony already .

    Is Jair Jurrjens of the Braves an early season candidate for the NL Cy Young Award ? His stats are ridiculous at present .

    tophatal …………..

  5. Rule #1 of air travel: never, EVER, check luggage.

    Hey, Chump, s’pose that guy split his 5’s?


  6. Al…

    That wasn’t the Fontainebleu Gloria was at, was it? No wonder she was pissed upon leaving the place. You can take the girl out of the ghetto, right?

    So who was more instrumental to their respective craft? Shaquille O’Neal to basketball in the 90s or Flavor Flav to gangsta rap?


    Oh, and re: Pryor and the Buckeye mess, well, let’s just say I have a surprise post in the works.

  7. Yaz…

    I guess I’ll never live that one down, huh?

    For the record, I haven’t done it since.

    Hey, man. Just trying to think outside the box is all.

  8. I know I’ve paid way too much for premeium drinks in downtown LA, SF, Pebble Beach, and Las Vegas. Not sure any of them were $20, but I’ve had more than my share of $15 drinks… Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Ordering a beer at those places runs you $10, so may as well get hard booze instead!

    That Johnson story is awesome. I wish I had the ability to count cards and “beat” the system. Actually I just wish I had the money to play at the high stakes games!

  9. Chap…

    We all know you’re a high-roller, not a PBR guy.

    Yea, I wonder what kind of crowd Johnson had around him while he was wrecking those blackjack tables.

    And it’s an interesting time for your Warriors right about now. Hey, at least they’re active about making moves. Shows West wants to build a winner.

    Let’s just hope for your sake the game hasn’t passed him by.

    I’m thinking moving Monta while his value is high might not be such a bad thing. You?

  10. $20 for a vodka?
    They must have been out of bourbon.

    I once lived with two lactation nurses in G-ville and they never charged such a sum!

  11. I would’ve hung around Johnson just hoping some of his luck rubbed off on me!

    It all depends on what they get back for Monta. I think if they traded him during the draft I’d want Derrick Williams and nothing less would make me happy. I still don’t see why we’d trade him when he was the only reason we won games last year. If he wasn’t on the team, we would’ve probably had a top five pick instead of 11. That being said we don’t have a ton of other guys to dangle to get an impact player in return, and I doubt they will deal Curry with his friendly $$ contract. I guess we need a coach first to see what kind of team they want to build (fun and gun or defensive).

  12. Chap…

    I’m going to say something I haven’t said, and meant, in years.

    Next season, the Warriors should make the NBA Playoffs.

    Now I’m going to say something I haven’t said about professional sports in at least 24 hours.

    Assuming there’s a season.

  13. Yikes, and I thought it was bogus when the local Chilis started charging $9 a pop for cheap Tequila.

    Yeah, the dude won millions, but so could I if the house would let me play $100,000 hands like him.

    Props to the little man in the pic… nice technique, bruh.

  14. Hold on, Han.

    What’s their version of cheap tequila?

    I can tell you, nothing but Patron is ordered from my bar on a regular basis, and I must say, I’m a fan.

    How about that ballgame tonight?

  15. I’m a Popov man myself, but you probaly already knew that.
    Lactation nurse huh? I should of thought of that when I needed something to fall back on after flunking out of my freelance gynecology training.

  16. Well Gloria has been known to get around in all parts of town . I can’t wait to see if Uncle Luke will offer her a role in latest piece of adult entertainment . You do know that apart from him running for Mayor of Miami he also has one of the largest video distribution outlets and porn production companies in the Southeast US ? Well that will equate well with the politics within the city of Miami .

    I think their (Shaq & Flava ) have made pretty decent contributions to contemporary culture . Albeit that I can’t see any of Shaq’s movies being enshrined in the AFI (American Film) or the Library of Congress !

    So apart from rollin’ around in that tricked out Nissan 350Z Pryor has also been driving on a suspended license . Will this idiocy never stop ?

    In the midst of finishing up my piece on Muschamp and his being installed as the Gators’ coach .

    tophatal …….

  17. Aer…

    Popov? Say it ain’t so. Isn’t that stuff like $4.99 a quart?

    And you didn’t run that gynecology training out of your garage, did you?

  18. Actually, Al, at least ‘Blue Chips’ was watchable.

    What are the chances Terrelle Pryor is actually going to class?

    Looking forward to the Muschamp post.

  19. It’s not bad if you strain it through a slightly used pair of pantyhose.
    Actually my preliminary studies were conducted in the backseat of a ’69 Dodge.

  20. Does Pryor actually have a major he’s studying at OSU ? Pimpololy 101 can’t be that hard can it ?

    Dirk steps up to the plate … what are the chances without him the Mavs would have been dead and buried last night ?

    Now at least now we know that series won’t end in a “sweep” .

    There are a duo of pieces up. One on Muschamp and the Gators and the other on the lack of quality coaches in the NBA . Did you realize that with the retirement of Jackson that there are now only two active coaches in the NBA who have won a title as a coach ? Obviously that stat will increase by one at the culmination of this series . But it makes you think doesn’t it ?

    tophatal ……….

  21. Chris

    Did you by any chance catch any of the highlights of the game between the Mets and Pirates ? The Mets came back from a 7-0 deficit to win the game 9-8 . And people still don’t believe that there’s a good reason to contract a couple of teams within the two leagues ?

    tophatal ………

  22. Pryor study, Al? He can’t be learning all that much with the stunts he’s been pulling lately.

    That Game Two was one of the most exciting Finals games I’ve watched in years, Al. Well, at least since last year’s Celtics-Lakers Game Seven. Who said the NBA doesn’t know how to put on a show?

    Re: NBA coaches, Al, I think there are a bunch of coaches on the horizon that are perfectly capable of being decent. Remember, Phil Jackson cast a shadow over the league for quite some time.

  23. Chris

    I know that things changed since I went to college and Pryor went . But I’m sure that the priority was to actually get an education along with the degree ! Am I wrong ?

    So Plax is due out of prison at the end of this week ? Wow , it looks as if Vick might get his wish and the Eagles could very well sign him once the lockout is over .

    All of a sudden the Rays can’t get timely hits but Crawford is simply hitting the hide off the ball for the Red Sox as of late .

    Well I could’ve watched some p#@n but plain and simple there’s no story telling at all there ! I think we tend to see more sub plots when two horrendous teams (Mets -Pirates) are playing !

    So Orel Hershiser and Steve Garvey may well team up with billionaire Ron Burkle and make a serious attempt to buy the Dodgers ? What is it all of a sudden in baseball …..silly season ? Einhoff plonks down $200 million for a stake in the Mets and now Hershiser and Garvey want to buy the Dodgers ? I can only assume that Garvey’s kids are all grown so there’s no child support to be paid !

    tophatal …………..

  24. Actually, Al, I don’t think much has changed at all. Maybe just the actual dollar amount thrown at athletes. But I’m pretty sure those secret handshakes have been happening ever since college football became competitive… and lucratve.

    Plax and Vick united? Are there any other ex-cons they can get to consider filming another The Longest Yard remake.

    As you suggested, Al, it’s a long baseball season, but as it stands right now, the Sox and Yanks are lined up nicely to win the division and the wild card in the AL East.

    Actually, Al, Hershiser and Garvey might not be a bad idea. They can get Davey Lopes, Ron Cey, Don Sutton, Bill Russell, Dusty Baker and the whole band back together. Why not?

  25. Chump – I will definitely be getting in touch with you this week. Needless to say, my hands have been very full trying to keep up with my duties as a Lactation Nurse. Talk to you soon!

  26. Chris

    If Garvey and Hershiser are allowed to buy the Dodgers in conjunction with billionaire Ron Burkle you do realize that Puffy comes as part of the package don’t you ? Burkle and Diddy are said to be close personal friends . They’re neighbors up in the Hamptons and Burkle attends his Black & White Gala each year . That now means that Chavez Revine will off the sheezy !

    As and when you’re ready on the pieces take your time no rush .

    I’ve been reassigned at work to deal with a litany of claims concerning re-modification of mortgages . The bank (certain well known bank within the state [Bk of America]) has stiffed some clients big time .

    tophatal …………

  27. Vick and Plax is an ideal partnership ! Think of the numerous things that they share in common apart from being professionals in the NFL ?

    Are the Mavs gonna fold like a cheap suit ? They wilted man and that should never happened !

    tophatal ………….

  28. So Don Johnson has won big in Atlantic City ? How many of ex wives are actually aware of that ?

    tophatal …………

  29. Hey Al…

    If Gloria Estefan can own part of the Dolphins and Mr. Beyonce can own a stake in the Nets, then why can’t Diddy own part of the Dodgers?

    Sounds like a luxury box I would want to party in.

  30. Al…

    I’m not suggesting the Mavs are folding. I’m merely saying the Heat are the more athletic team and it’s shown over the course of this series.

  31. And I’m still not sure, after all he’s done, why the Knicks would even consider taking Isiah back or why there’s even discussion of something like that happening.

  32. Chris

    The Knicks somehow feel that their current GM who’s close to approaching his eighth decade on this planet is still capable of them guiding them for at least another two years ? Nothing that I’m ageist in this respect but I’d have thought that Walsh would want to spend his twilight years with his family ! Let Zeke simply screw up the FIU Panthers’ basketball program .

    Garvey can now put all of his kids to work . As for Diddy what he knows about sports can be written on the back of a first class stamp . Anyone who thinks that he’s down in the dirt hardcore rapper needs to be taking some serious medication.

    Reality just set in did you know that yesterday was the first day of the MLB Draft ?

    tophatal ……….

  33. Chris

    Dirk is being asked to become a ‘ beast of burden’ by putting this Mavs’ team on his shoulders without there being much support from his teammates .

    It’s sad to think that he’ll end up not winning a championship all because the Mavs’ ownership never surrounded him with the prerequisite pieces needed .

    tophatal ……

  34. Chris

    A truly wondrous display from LeBron last night ! now I know why a female goes through her men_trual cycle ! Could LBJ actually be having one those periodic cycles himself ? Way to go LeBron …… simply continue believe all that hype ’bout yourself and once again failing to deliver !

    Who knew that the MLB Draft was on the 6th June ? Rays had ten of the top 89 picks let’s hope that it’s all to their benefit .

    tophatal …………..

  35. Al….

    This is clearly the best team Dallas has had since Dirk’s been there.

    Still not sure what to make of this team though.

    But we now have a best two-out-of-three series with the last three games decided by three points or less.

  36. LeBron went 3-11 last night, Al, with two of those made shots as dunks.

    He did almost finish with a triple-double but it looks to me like he’s still, after all this time, trying to find an identity.

  37. Sorry, I missed your question…

    As the John Wayne of the blogosphere, I’m a bourbon straight up sort of guy.

  38. You had me at ‘lactation nurse’…. As for the first spiel: welcome to my nightmare. $20 is pretty typical for a double vodka on the Beach, and btw, next time you spot Goose for $30 (!!!), take a picture and frame it. That’s like coming upon a polka dotted unicorn.

  39. Fro-B…

    That’s the problem. He wasn’t even drinking doubles and they banged him for that much.

    You should be able to find a bottle of Goose for low thirties at your local ABC, which I’m sure you frequent.

    As for me, I drink in bulk, so a $20 1.75 bottle of Pinnacle suits me just fine.

    I can’t imagine what they charge for a Red Bull bump.

  40. Speaking of hangover, Fro-B, back in the day, when I was a broke-ass college sophomore, living in Reid Co-Op (this is when they had no a/c, mind you), the gang and I from the fourth floor would bargain shop cases of Busch beer at the local Pic ‘n’ Save for about six and a quarter.

    Ah, good times, man.

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