SportsChump takes his talents to South Beach

My sincerest apologies for neglecting my SportsChumpian duties lately, but if I told you that within two days time I shook hands with Reggie Bush, was fondled by an eight-foot python, hit the links with a rabbi, put on a karaoke rendition of “Sex Machine” inspirational enough to warrant a Rastafarian embrace and had a six-year old teach me how to Dougie, which one of those would you believe?

If you guessed all of the above, you’d be correct.

Let’s just say it was a wild, forty-eight hours.

Last Wednesday, I drove to Miami for the kick-off of Red Bull’s latest project: the Red Bulletin.  Their magazine promises to be a huge success, one to which I’ll hopefully eventually contribute.  All night, I was hobnobbing with celebrities in South Beach, munching on tasty hors d’oeuvres and knocking back unhealthy amounts of vodka and Red Bull.

On the drive down from Tampa, I listened to several local sports radio jocks fielding questions from disillusioned Heat fans who were still trying to figure out why the rest of America hated LeBron James.  Obviously they don’t read SportsChump.

While shopping for something chic to wear for the evening’s events, (SportsChump does like to look his best), I stumbled upon a rack of LeBron jerseys, still going for eighty dollars a pop so, despite his Finals loss, it appears the kid is doing just fine financially.  Too bad nobody likes him.

There were also plenty of jokes tossed around about the Marlins (old) new manager, Jack McKeon (80), who took over the team after Edwin Rodriguez resigned.  Losing 18 of 19 ball games will do that to a guy.

After the Red Bull party, the place to be seen in South Beach that Wednesday, I somehow ended up with a snake around my neck.  Why do the oddest things happen to me every time I hang out with the Red Bull crew?

The following afternoon, it was off to the links at beautiful Plantation Preserve.  As most of you wannabe golfers know, cursing is an inherent part of the game, but there was something oddly liberating about playing in the same foursome as a rabbi and screaming “God Damn!” at the top my lungs every time I put my ball in the drink.  It was like sinning in double-time.  Even with God on his side, however, the rabbi’s game was off.  In fact, I even heard him mutter an F-bomb or two, proving no one is exempt from golf’s wrath.  Good times.

And then of course, there’s this… perhaps the most adorable thing you’ll ever see, my best friend’s six year old daughter teaching us how to Dougie.  And a star is born.

In the end, a good time was had by all but it was good to be home.  Keep your fingers crossed that the work of yours truly will find its way into the Bulletin.  As always, you’ll be the first to know.

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24 Replies to “SportsChump takes his talents to South Beach”

  1. So you like to fondle snakes? After all these years, you never wanted to fondle my snake. Hmmm?

  2. As cute as she is doin’ the Dougie, there is no dance on the planet that can take the place of the “Humpherys Hop”.

  3. Pingback: SportsChump takes his talents to South Beach, Straight Ballin Blog | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  4. Snake…

    I wasn’t fondling, I was being fondled. Big difference. That damn thing’s tail was reaching for my car keys.

    And don’t get your feelings hurt but um… you’re not really my type.

  5. Donny C…

    The Hop is an Anti-Freak-ua/Rumjungle original.

    Damn, speaking of good times.

    I did tell Mangos you said hello, however.

    You’ll be happy to know your plaque is still hanging proudly on their wall.

  6. Damn Rev, that snake must of scared you pretty bad, your hair turned white:)
    That little girl has more rhythm in her little finger than I do in my whole body.

  7. Nice 48 hours Chris, sounds like a preview for “Hangover 3”

    Love the Dougie video!

  8. Aer…

    The hair I have left is mostly white, although it does look more gray because of the lighting in the picture.

    An old friend once told me each gray hair he had represented a good time, so there ya’ go.

    What’s also funny is that she had learned that at camp that day and her folks had absolutely no idea what the Dougie was.

  9. Big Poppa…

    Remember when J, Peterman had to use some of Kramer’s life stories to fill out his biography?

    Well, tell the good people behind the Hangover than I’m available to meet if they ever run out of material.

  10. Hey Chump,

    Hope to see your byline in the new mag. If it was just an ordinary magazine I wouldn’t read it but since it’s Beyond The Ordinary I’m definitely in!

  11. Drew…

    The magazine promises to be pretty cool. Sports, music, food, fashion. I think there’s only been three issues published so far but they’ve already had Lincecum on one and Bush on another.

    Keep your fingers crossed.

  12. Chris

    So both you and LeBron take your talents to South Beach . But yet it’s you who comes out a winner ! Nice ! LOL,LOL ,LOL !!!

    That’s why they say karma is a bit#h !

    So there’ll now be no NBA or NFL in our immediate future for the time being . Now what ?

    Can they somehow prolong the WNBA schedule and then throw in an additional couple of games in the UFL ?

    I’m heading down south for Thanksgiving as some family members are flying up from the Caribbean on business .

    tophatal ….

  13. Such bias is understandably allowed, Kid Sheraton.

    Thanks again for a great time.

    We must do it again soon, this time with hopefully a few more pars.

  14. Al…

    It’s most definitely time for us to put our heads together and come up with another sports league, a la Baseketball.

    I’m still holding out hope that the NFL crew will come to their senses but no basketball, no baseball?!? This is ridiculous.

    Enjoy your trip over the holiday weekend. I’d tell you to stay out of trouble but I know better.

  15. Lockout or no lockout, Al, there’s always Bengals drama.

    With Ocho being Ocho and Carson Palmer doing his best Jake Plummer, it must be something in the water up there.

  16. Chris

    Bengals’ drama ? Perhaps there’s room for that on the Soap Net channel ? Or perhaps one of the broadcast networks can put it on their daytime schedule to make up for one of the numerous soaps that they canceled ?

    I say extend the WNBA schedule to 82 games , have the players dressed in scantily clad uniforms and when a player is given a technical or ejected they have to take off a piece of clothing ! That will definitely lead to a spike in the viewership of the WNBA for sure !

    The women’s Lingerie League should also be televised (broadcast and cable television [ABC/ESPN – Fox or CBS] ) with their own weekend and Monday night schedule of no less than 12 games with a postseason to be played as well . I love their uniforms to begin with ! But there’s more room for compromise as far as I’m concerned . More t#ts and a#s I say and a whole lot more groping to boot !

  17. I am a bit dyslexic…did you fondle Reggie Bush, shake hands with an eight-foot python, hook up a rabbi and a Rastafarian on a sex machine…and what is the “Dougie”?

  18. Pingback: Sports Chump » Same Name creates awkward love triangle between Reggie Bush, SportsChump and Kim Kardashian

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