Signs that SportsChump is getting old, Vol. 1: Cranberry juice and soda water

I must be getting old… which is funny because I don’t feel like it.  Sure, there are the traditional, telltale signs: the grey in the goatee, the aching back, the ever-receding hairline and the increasing frequency with which I’m called “sir.”  Apparently, we can now add my taste in beverages to that list.

I recently worked a private, graduation party for a friend/co-worker.  Her eleven year-old daughter was among several of the under-aged people in attendance.  Needless to say, Shirley Temples were the flavor of the day.

After drinking about eleven of them, the guest of honor’s daughter, cute as a button, asked me if there was anything else I could make her.  I guess the grenadine was finally getting to her, her tongue dyed bright red.  I offered Coca-Cola but she bluntly informed me that she wasn’t allowed to have any caffeine.

I then asked her if she liked juice and she shot me a look as if suggesting something healthy for such an engagement was entirely inappropriate.  After all, this was her momma’s graduation and she was there to party.

Since pineapple, orange and grapefruit juice were out of the question, I mixed her up a glass of my favorite cocktail to imbibe while I’m working behind the bar: half cranberry juice/half soda water.  The bubbles settle my stomach and the cranberry, even though it’s cocktail, still gives me the impression I’m ingesting something somewhat healthy.

I handed over the glass.  She looked at it skeptically, took a sip, made a face, then looked at me and said “My grandmother would like this” as she walked away.

Wow, belittled by an eleven year old.  I mean, it’s not like I’m drinking prune juice, but I guess aging is something none of us can avoid.  Not even those of us who feel eternally young.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my heating pad.

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39 Replies to “Signs that SportsChump is getting old, Vol. 1: Cranberry juice and soda water”

  1. No matter what you think, no matter how much you do to avoid it, there’s just no way around the aging process. Some of us age faster than others. Unfortunately I’m a member of that crew… Thirty years as a farmer when the economy is not good (stress / anxiety plus long hours in the hot sun) will do that to you.

    I find myself thinking twice about having an alcoholic beverage just knowing what tomorrow morning is going to feel like… I have to be careful lifting things… And then there’s the new awareness about what’s growing around my middle and what’s not growing on tip of my head! LOL! My diet has subsequently changed quite a bit as I endeavor to go “fat-free” and I find myself listening to those commercials about regrowing a full head of hair!

    In the final analysis, I’ve been dealt these cards and I don’t feel too bad about where I am in time…

  2. Chris

    Being called sir or old isn’t so bad . Imagine if you happen to be Chaz Bono ?

    Call me crazy but USF facing the Fightin Irish in their season opener ( South Bend-Ind) just doesn’t peek my interest at all !

    A slap on the wrist for the Canes’ players ! I’m surprised that they didn’t consider placing them in a corner for a “time out ” !

    Does this now in part vindicate the NCAA ? Mark Emmert (NCAA President) is simply proving that when it comes to showing any semblance of common sense he’s hard pressed to do so !

    tophatal ……….

  3. How time ly that you would publish this on teh first day of the month of my birth, which means I too am getting better 🙂

  4. Dwin…

    Nicely said, sir.

    I too (try to) watch what I eat, although I’ve laxed a bit recently only because my schedule rarely allows. I know that’s making excuses.

    At 43, I’m working as hard as I ever have. Making money but working too often to spend it.

    It’s okay though. When I’m kicking it on a beach somewhere, retired and writing my memoirs, it’ll be all good.

  5. Al…

    I’m proud to say I know so little about Chaz Bono that I’m unsure whether she was a girl that became a man or vice versa, and before you fill me in on the answer, keep in mind, I’d prefer to keep it that way.

    Notre Dame is favored in that USF game by ten points. I’d be inclined to take USF outright.

    And I’ve said it before, Al, and I’ll say it again. Why does it continue to surprise you when the NCAA’s major college programs only get slaps on the wrists? After all, it’s those programs that are making the NCAA money!

  6. Snake…

    What do you think I was calling ‘my goatee?’

    Oh, man. I can’t believe you just made me stoop to your level.

    I see you HAVE been watching Louie CK lately.

  7. G Mony…

    Speaking of your birthday, I do believe I will be driving up to Gainesville, as per usual, for Tennessee weekend.

    I’ll be sure to tell the town, all the Lillian’s regulars, and of course Toma and the Biggest of All Gu, that you send your warmest regards.

  8. Snake…

    If I did have to use a walker, I’d be sure to go all out.

    Cut up tennis balls for the front feet. The whole nines.

    Which brings up a point…

    Do older folks that require walkers actually take the time to take their pocket knives and cut fancy holes into those tennis balls, kinda like putting baseball cards in the spokes of your bicycle? “Wow, nice Penn 3’s, Milda.”

    And of course, in my case, I’d have to go original, like getting miniature basketballs and going that route instead.

    Speaking of basketball, are we gonna have a season or what?

  9. Of course I’m hoping that there’s a season but I’m not high on it happening. The big picture is that the owners got themselves into this mess by handing out those monster contracts. You can’t fault the players for accepting them. Personally, I think the players get paid way too much but you can’t close the door once its opened. I’ve already gotten an email from DirecTV regarding my NBA League Pass. If there’s a full season, the yearly price will go up by $30 to around $192. That’s $42 more than I paid 10 years ago. I’m one lifelong fan who’s getting turned off by the NBA. I’m thinking about cancelling my League Pass. I may try to watch and maybe understand NHL hockey this fall instead. lol

  10. Chris

    I won’t be watchin’ Chaz on DWTS but his/her mom sure will .

    So multi millionaire investor David Einhorn has pulled the plug on his $200 million stake in the Mets . And here’s me thinking that was too good a deal to turn down ! LOL,LOL,LOL !!! A statement issued from Madoff’s prison cell had the inmate stating …….” I’m completely flabbergasted that David can’t trust either Saul Katz or Fred Wilpon .” ! ” I gave ’em $750 million of which I’m sure that it’s being well taken care of ” . ! Good ol’ Bernie a man whose idiosyncrasies have to be admired .

    Link provided ………. Investment plan for baseball’s NY Mets collapses

    So Bud will now have to pull his finger out of his own ##s and do something before that piece of crap collapses !

    tophatal ……

  11. Well, Snake, at least the Lightning will be good.

    I’m not sure if I sent you that Zirin article but he said exactly the same thing. The owners are looking for a bailout, while none of us can really blame the players for getting what they could when they could.

    I’m wondering if the players are gonna budge at all.

  12. The NBA owners sound like a bunch of whining Republicans. First they cause the financial mess and then they don’t want to man up and take responsibility for it. I’m certain that the league will take a big hit in fan support. That includes merchandise, game tickets, League Pass and even games on cable TV. The NHL took a huge hit when they closed down for the season and the NBA owners will not learn from the mistakes of others. As for the topic of your blog, you’ll be old and on social security before the NBA gets back to where it was this past season. Blame it on Herr Stern.

  13. Ugh, Snake, none of that is good news. I wish I could disagree but I can’t.

    I know you and I differ on Stern but if he ends up presiding over another work stoppage, particularly over what I imagine will be his waning years as commissioner (although who knows with that guy?), his legacy will definitely take a nasty hit.

  14. Soju is okay, you probably wouldn’t give it to a kid since there’s alcohol in it. It’s kinda fruity so girls like it, and probably the only reason I even knew what it was. Or maybe it’s because it’s an Asian drink, tough to say for sure…

  15. Chris

    $1.2 billion ….. bid for the Dodgers ? I guess there’s a fool born every minute ! Bill Burke founder of the LA Marathon and a consortium have offered that figure for the ball-club . I’m assuming that they’re assuming the debt of the organization as well as the bankruptcy filing has yet to be completed .

    Tell me the Bucs will be better than they performed
    last night ?

    I know that neither Blount or Freeman played but god-damn it could things have gotten any worse ? Third or fourth stringers aren’t these kids yearning to play in the NFL ?

    tophatal ……….

  16. Al…

    I’m sure the city of Los Angeles will have a parade when McCourt signs on the line that is dotted to sell that team.

    That number doesn’t surprise me all that much to be honest. That team can suck, but it’s still the Dodgers, man. I’m not sure if you read Malcolm Gladwell’s Grantland piece about the psychic benefits of owning a professional sports franchise but here ya’ go…

    The current Dodgers asking price is a perfect example of what he’s talking about.

    Re: The Bucs, Al. I’m afraid we’re in for a rough season.

  17. You’re making money…huh Chump? Enough to offer $1.3 million for the Dodgers? If so, props to you. That sure is a lot of Shirley Temples…

  18. Chris

    The city of LA is simply bereft of intelligence to begin with as it concern the politics , never-mind that they’ve got to deal with Villaraigosa as the mayor .

    Being as Gladwell and I share the same ancestral background as one of his parents comes from Jamaica ……….it’s big-ups from myself ! Throw in Gen Colin Powell and that’s something of a start even if Dick Cheney would like have his (Powell’s) head on a platter .

    The Bucs will have their problems as will all of the teams in the NFC South .

    At this juncture I’d like to thank David Einhorn for proving to me what a __ick he really is ! Forking out $200 million for a stake in a team (Mets) in the midst of legal proceedings where they’re a defendant speaks volumes about his business acumen ! He’s got none in spite of his background as a hedge fund manager . What …. the fact that Madoff was part of the proceedings wasn’t enough of a hint to get the ___k out of Dodge and leave that flea bitten turd known as the Mets wasn’t enough of an indicator to stay clear from the outset ?

    tophatal ……………..

  19. Drewster…

    I wouldn’t say I’m making enough money to buy the Dodgers but I do fairly well for myself.

    Fortunately, chicks have never dug me for the length of my bank account.

  20. Chris

    Lew Wolff has said that he will not stand in the way of Billy Beane leaving the A’s . Word is Wolff will look see if Brad Pitt will succeed Beane as the new GM of the A’s …. as Brad gives a wonderful performance as Beane in the upcoming movie ” Moneyball” .

    There’s also talk that Raiders’ owner Al Davis is interested in seeing if Jamie Foxx might want join the Raiders’ roster , given his performance in the movie ” Any Given Sunday “ .

    tophatal ……

  21. As sports fans, Al, I guess that’s a movie we’ll be obligated to see.

    I won’t be waiting in line for it though.

    I’m currently watching that USF-Notre Dame game. The Bulls are about to get screwed if they call this game and don’t award USF with a victory that was rightfully theirs.

  22. I see you’ve spotted another gray pube while performing the “porn star” trim?

    So with all of your added age, where’s all the BONUS wisdom?

    LMAO, I ask myself the same question all of the time. The whole with age comes wisdom saying.

    You just have to crack walnuts some times, even if they’re old and brittle.

    Hillbilly Hanahan’s nuts are like a couple of dried up raisins. The guy is older than dirt and about as ugly as a boar’s azz.

    I’m wondering when he dumps his da-U fancard and starts the whole USF thing. He loves Lou Holtz, I think it has to do with wrinkle count similarity and the same “has that guy been sippin the hooch” comments wispered when each is speaking.

  23. Chris

    The only Pitt movies I’ve actually enjoyed were ” Troy ” merely for the fact of the historical value and having read Homer’s ” The Iliad” , “Se7en” , ” Babel ” and ” The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” .

    Yeah I see that NBC still is sticking with the usual staple of serving up ” crap ” for the sports’ viewer to watch when it comes to college football ? Nothing says ” suck ” like “Notre Dame” football that’s unless you’re watching Jenna Jameson perform a certain well noted sexual act .

    And The Survey Says …….. David Einhorn Is An Ass ! But There’s More $1.2 Billion Can Possibly Buy A Piece of Crap !

    Make Hay While The Sun Shines …..

    tophatal ……….

  24. Definitely “Se7en” and “Fight Club,” Al.

    And I loved the fact that NBC couldn’t show anything else during that rain-out against USF, so they had to show reruns of some game they played in 2010 against Utah State.


    If I hadn’t fallen asleep, I would have changed the channel faster than you can say Tyrone Willingham.

  25. Chris

    Well given that the majority of the scheduled games (Week 1) coincide with the “10th anniversary of 9/11 “ I think it goes without saying that all of the NFL teams will do something to commemorate that tragic event . And for the Bucs it will as such be a dual process with them eulogizing Lee Roy Selmon as well as the victims of the tragedy .

    tophatal …….

  26. Chris,

    That is freaking hilarious. She is a trip. I guess she is the result of being surrounded by adults the majority of her life.

    You are a great writer….

    Also, what is up with the BIG EAST???

    take care,


  27. Nichole…

    Glad I saw you Saturday night to tell you about the piece. Funny stuff, huh?

    Regarding the Big East, college football is in the midst of some serious realignment. A number of schools are about to be lost in the shuffle.

    Fortunately for USF, they’ve established enough of a football program, which is driving all this, that one of the other conferences will probably pick them up.

    Sports fans everywhere are watching intently to see how this all shakes out with nobody really having a clue how it will.

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