My afternoon with Tim Tebow: A work of complete and total fiction

I was hanging out with Tim Tebow the other day.  Okay, so I wasn’t, but it makes for good blogging.

I was excited to spend time with a fellow, Florida alum and the most talked about football player since Brett Favre.

I decided to drive him around town and show him some of the local sites.

I got into my Passat, Tim hopped into the passenger seat and we headed over to the mall.  As soon as we drove off, Tim astutely pointed out that I hadn’t yet fastened my seatbelt.  I told him I was about to when he gave me a disapproving look.  So I put it on.  I didn’t want to spoil the day.

On our way to the mall, I made the mistake of driving a few miles over the speed limit, going 50 in a 45.  I was familiar with the area and felt I was driving at a safe speed but Tim kept peering over at my speedometer and shaking his head.

We eventually pulled into the crowded mall parking lot.   Since I was getting on the hungry side, I neglected to stop at one of the mall stop signs.  A security cop in a golf cart sped up to us as I pulled into my parking space.  Fortunately, the mall cop was also a Gator fan.  He took one look at who was in my passenger seat and let me off the hook with only a warning.

As we strolled into the mall, crowds gathered, probably because I was wearing a fashionable SportsChump t-shirt.  Tebow graciously signed autographs, giving special attention to fans who asked him to do so on recycled paper.

After the throng died down, I told Tim I was in the mood for some wings or a greasy burger.  He opted for the grilled chicken and a salad with light raspberry vinaigrette.  The waitress brought me a beer.  Tim had water with lemon.  I drank some beer and belched, Tim winced.

It was becoming obvious that Tim and I were quite different.

After our meal, I stepped outside and lit a cigar, only to have Tim warn me about the correlation between smoking and lung cancer.  I extinguished the cigar.  The day was becoming a bore.

I suggested we go meet some girls, finally an area in which I had more experience than the former Heisman Trophy winner.  After a few more drinks (not for him obviously) and a few girls glancing our way (looking at me, of course), I suggested we go mingle.  He looked at me aghast, told me he was saving himself for marriage then lectured me about the virtues of true love and the dangers of pre-marital sex.  I had had enough.  I told him I had been having pre-marital sex for nearly thirty years and was having a pretty good go at it.  Once again, he shook his head.

Timmy and I didn’t see eye to eye on too much that day but in the end we did agree on something.  I promised not to judge him for being a saint if he promised to lay off me for being a sinner.  I promised not to criticize him for being a running quarterback if he promised to overlook my run-on sentences.

What’s the moral of the story?  I’m guessing you can figure it out.


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52 Replies to “My afternoon with Tim Tebow: A work of complete and total fiction”

  1. Did Tim ask for your autograph? Did you give it to him? You know he’s got a wall of shame for Florida alums gone awry… Yeah, that’s it. And he lets media types see it. And, and… Well it’s a really bad thing that will happen, man… Don’t go outside if the sky clouds up… You’re better off hanging with Tiger and his ilk!

  2. Dwin…

    Gator gone awry? I resemble that remark.

    And Tiger probably would have been more fun to hang out with pre-fire hydrant than post, don’t you think?

  3. It is written that God loves sinners. After all if not for us the saints would have nothing to do.

  4. The author seems to be preoccupied with someone judging him. Perhaps he is insecure with his personal morality.

  5. Hysterical. LOVE the PIX … that driving one cracked me up! Nicely done.
    Next time bring Timmy by our place & we’ll feed you both good.
    M, A big fan of the newest “Odd Couple”

  6. Chap…

    I actually intentionally left prayer out of the story.

    As a professional bartender, I’ve learned the two things not to talk about are politics and religion.

  7. Bill…

    The whole thing was meant to be a joke but I’m always down for some free psycho-analysis. I wear my seatbelt at all times and rarely speed.

    Oh, and that wasn’t the moral of the story.

  8. Chris

    So what did you offer to Timmy by way of encouragement ? And will he heed that advice ? Inquiring minds need to know !

    Kick Me And I’ll Punch You Back Or I Might Even Hit You With My Handbag ….

    I see the stench in Jacksonville improved somewhat ? Wayne Weaver (owner) fires Del Rio but gives GM Gene Smith a 3 yr contract extension and then announces he’s selling the team for $760 million to Pakistani-American businessman Shahid Khan .

    tophatal …………

  9. Al…

    Timmy didn’t need my advice.

    He’s obviously strong-willed enough of a cat to determine right from wrong, even if some of us out there disapprove or disagree.

    And Bucs, Chargers and Vikings fans should be happy the Jaguars are in total disarray because one of those four teams will eventually be moving to Los Angeles.

    Better them than us.

  10. If only the Texans had signed Favre…. espn would have blown up their transmitters trying to find room for him 24-7 on top of their already non-stop coverage of Timmy.

    I think the moral is not to give in to peer pressure and outside influences……. I’m proud of you, Rev!

  11. The movie that pix was taken from … hmmm?
    Was it “Night at the Roxbury?” “Saturday Night Fever?” All the lights made it look like Vegas … hey… was it “Swingers?”
    I give up… do tell where that first pix was taken?
    The pix & the post was hysterical.

  12. Chris

    I would’ve thought that fellow Gator alumni would have something in common to share ? How can this not be ?

    As for Urban 40 million can make you change overnight don’t you think ?

    Wayne Weaver …….. a man whose heart isn’t necessarily in the right place . He fires Del Rio but retains Gene Smith and then sells the team for $760 million and then makes the proclamation that the franchise is heading in the right direction ? Does a 3-8 record actually reflect that ? Shahid Khan is the league’s first minority owner (Pakistani-American) in his own right has to be appreciative of Wayne’s kind words . Unfortunately the Jaguars still owe the city of Jacksonville and Duval County some $100 million and it’ll cost them as much to break the lease that ties them to Everbank Field/ Stadium to 2027 .

    It’s Wayne’s World …….. It’s Wayne’s World And The Poor Jaguars’ Fans Have Had To Endure It ! …….

    Kick Me And I’ll Punch You Back Or I Might Even Hit You With My Handbag ….

    tophatal ………..

  13. Chris

    The Jags’ lease with Duval County and the city of Jacksonville locks them in until 2027 . Never mind the fact that the franchise still owes the county over $100 million . Shahid Khan just paid an exorbitant sum ($760 million) for team that has never won anything and is in one of the smallest ad markets in the country. Who got duped ?

    Let me know what you think ? My piece concerning Khan in terms of him being the league’s first ethnic majority stake holder of an NFL franchise and Weaver’s idiocy as an owner !

    It’s Wayne’s World …….. It’s Wayne’s World And The Poor Jaguars’ Fans Have Had To Endure It ! …….

    Margarito Cotto II this weekend . Will Margarito’s gloves be padded in cement or plaster of paris for a second time or will he revert to some other style of cheating in the ring ? Are you willing to pay for the privilege of witnessing such an event ?

    I’m not !

    tophatal …………

  14. Han…

    However, if I gave up to outside influences, my SRM picks might be a little better this season.

    And you didn’t just say Favre to the Texans, did you? You know he only responses to coaches and owners to fly their private jet into Gulfport.

    Perhaps Favre and McNabb can start their own league now.

  15. Al…

    The NFL wants a team back in LA. I’m sure certain requirements can be ‘taken care of’ if the need arises.

    Since when can’t contracts be broken?

  16. Sportschump at his best! lmao

    Don’t you just love watching Elway on the sidelines with that phony teethy grin when Tebow beat the Jets? Imagine an exec trying to pull the plug and the masses would bury him for it.

  17. Not if it means that the Jags or in this case the NFL hierarchy /owners want to be on the hook for the $100 million plus that’s still owed to the city of Jacksonville and Duval County government by the Jags . Their lease doesn’t expire on the stadium ’til 2027 .

    It’s either going to the Chargers or Vikings who will ultimately move to the greater LA area . Ed Roski and Villaraigosa want it but neither is truly put up the money [not without an assist from the NFL] . The state government in Minnesota has a $5 billion deficit and Gov Mark Dayton is under pressure to rein in spending within the state . Er’go a new facility for the Vikes might now be in jeopardy especially at a cost of $1.35 billion . The Chargers want to see Qualcomm Stadium in their rear view mirror as fast as is humanly possible .

    So Friedman might take the GM position with the Astros ?

    tophatal ………..

  18. Chap…

    What cracks me up is that religious guys like Kurt Warner and others are now coming out and saying there’s a time and place to wear one’s religion on their sleeves, as if they’re upset Tebow is out jesus-ing them.

  19. Hundred mil, Al?

    Drop in the bucket. I’m sure Warner Bros. would just cut ’em a check. Remember, we’re talking Tinseltown here. We could call them the Fighting Spielbergs.

    And let’s hope Friedman doesn’t take that Houston gig. There’s a lot of hush hush about it, which is never a good sign.

  20. Chris

    The $100 mil owed by the Jags doesn’t include the financial implications of breaking the lease .

    The prospective new owner Shahid Khan still maintains that the team won’t be relocated .

    Look for either the Chargers or the Viking to be the franchise that may well move to LA . Both want out of the cities where they currently reside . Within Minnesota the bill to finance a new stadium appears to be all but “dead in the water ” . And the Spanos family no longer wants to be (Chargers) playing in Quacomm Stadium as they all but consider it to be akin to a city dump.

    The Bucs keep on ticking but continue to lie down and take a kicking ! ‘nough said as that is now a poorly coached ……. team with no damn pride !

    So Cotto returns to the favor by beating Margarito like a damn pinata .

    tophatal ………

  21. Chris

    It wouldn’t surprise me if Friedman did take the Astros’ GM position . Crane has deep pockets and he wants to make that organization and team a success . All they’re now doing with the Rays is to settle for scraps left at the table after everyone else has ate .

  22. I felt like I was right there with you guys during your time together (ignoring the fact there was no time together). I know when Tim gets around to reading this he’ll want to hang out with you for real.

  23. Al…

    I don’t know what to tell you about the Bucs. They’ve now lost six straight and if they don’t win at Jax next weekend, they’re staring the Cowboys coming into town next weekend, which would make eight straight.

    I don’t know that you can blame it all on coaching. The talent simply isn’t there.

  24. Al…

    I don’t know the numbers Friedman’s being offered, Al, but I think it would make perfect sense for him to take the job.

    In Tampa, you have a team that doesn’t spend, can’t draw and is in total flux with the state of their stadium.

    We know he can build a winner with 40 mil, why wouldn’t he want to see what he could do when spending over twice that?

  25. Chap…

    The kid’s something else. We already knew this during his Florida years but our new found obsession with him at the pro level is just bizarre.

    God help us if he makes the playoffs.

  26. Chris

    I’ve no problem if Friedman chooses to take the Astros’ position ! . He’s done as much as he can with the Rays since he was installed as the team’s general manager .

    As to the Bucs it all comes down to ill discipline and a complete lack of veteran leadership from the perceived leaders on this team . If Rah’ chooses not to call those guys out then he is not much of a coach . As players such as Kellen Winslow Jr and Ronde Barber are not stepping up to the plate and proving that they are the presumed leaders . Instead it’s the usual idiotic postgame sound bytes coming from either !

    That’s so atypical of the sport’s scene within the Tampa Bay area .

    tophatal …………

  27. Al…

    I heard on DAE yesterday that Friedman is staying put. Not sure how they pulled that one off but as we’ve discussed, I do expect good things out of the Rays next season. Maybe he thought he has a better shot winning now than in Houston.

    We’ll see.

    And I’m not sure what the Bucs can or will do about the lack of veteran leadership on their team. They’re not going to spend any money so I’m imagining they’ll see what’s available in the off-season, considering this season is already a wash.

  28. No, I don’t think so, but it might have been on our strip. That kind of sounds about right.

    I will say, however, that we do have a few prominent Rays players frequenting our establishment.

    I’ll just leave it at that.

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  31. Expo…

    He’s been talking that for a while… and he’s probably right. In addition, I think he’s going to be part owner.

    It’s been rumored to be either the Chargers, Jaguars, Vikings or yes, your Buccaneers, that would relocate.

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