Chumpservations, Vol. 24: Dirty diapers and questionable rewards

Please forgive me.  It’s been months since my last Chumpservations, so here goes nothing…

Direct Deposit

I woke up the other morning to find… a diaper on my car.

That’s right.  One soiled diaper, right on the trunk of my car.

Now don’t get me wrong.  The diaper was neatly wrapped with all its contents packaged squarely inside.  It wasn’t like doo doo was strewn all over my freshly cleaned Passat but still, who does such a thing?

I can’t say I know anyone that lives in my complex.  I’m a bit of a recluse in that sense, not to mention the fact that my work schedule keeps me out at all night, and asleep all day, but I’m pretty sure I’ve never left a similar gift on the doorsteps of any of my neighbors that would warrant such poopy retribution.

As if my present wasn’t alarming enough, there was a garbage can a mere fifty feet away, apparently too much of an inconvenience for a parent on the go.  Or were they trying to make a fashion statement?  Perhaps it fell from the heavens, a sign that I should continue not to procreate but still have fun practicing.

Either way, that’s part of what’s wrong with society these days, and I’m just as guilty.  Not only do we not say hello to a passing stranger but now, apparently, we’ve resorted to leaving newborn feces on the automobiles of others.  At least they didn’t light it on fire.

Let’s take a closer look at ourselves, shall we?  I’m starting with the man in the mirror, the bathroom mirror, which just happens to be where said belongings should be properly discarded.

One Drink At A Time

Are we really starting to reward people for their alcoholism?

While running errands around town the other day, I wandered into a local beer bar.  I’m not really much of a beer drinker but it was a hot Florida afternoon and I had some time to kill.

Posted on the wall of this particular establishment, I found a “Frequent Flyer Miles” type of system, rewarding drinkers for their patronage and drink-ability.  The more beer you drank, the higher you ranked.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I tend bar for a living.  People drinking heavily pays my bills.  But as servers, it’s also important to show restraint.  We don’t hand out gold medals or put plaques on the wall when our customers order their millionth Grey Goose and Tonic.

It’s like going to one of those steakhouses where they congratulate a customer for polishing off a 64-ounce porterhouse, all the while ignoring what that meal is doing to the lining of his stomach.

Or maybe I should just lighten up, belly up to the bar, and see how long it takes me to get my name on their coveted board of loyalty.

Now someone please call me a taxi.

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32 Replies to “Chumpservations, Vol. 24: Dirty diapers and questionable rewards”

  1. I’m thinking that it’s time for anarchy after what went down in Sanford , Central Florida after the gunning down of that defenseless teen by the idiot said to be a member of the local neighborhood watch ! But that’s just me at this moment in time . What is it open season on the young bruthas by those who see young black kid who shouldn’t be ther e even though his father and step-brother lived in that upscale gated community ? WTF !

  2. Al…

    That’s just another reason I don’t watch the news anymore. Always depressing shit.

    But I’ll look into the story. Send me a link if you find the time.

  3. As an official memeber of the beer drinkers and hellraisers chapter of the local AARP I commend you on your advocation of temperance. Now if you’ll excuse me my beers’ getting warm.

  4. Don’t get me wrong, Aer.

    I like to throw down as much as the next guy. Probably way more so.

    But I also like to think I’m somewhat responsible.

    I had a thought. Maybe that bar puts the board up as a reminder to their patrons that they’ve simply had too much to drink (yeah, right).

    Did you see that board? One person had consumed 424 pints of beer! Don’t these people have bills to pay? This was a beer bar, man. I’m pretty sure those pints weren’t going for $3.50.

  5. Questionable reward is the fact that the local law enforcement didn’t feel that there’s a need to press any charges . But the alleged assailant was known and considered to be a nuisance caller to 911 who called the emergency services 51 times in the week leading up to the death of Travvon Martin . This is all so reminiscent of the death of Amadou Diallo in NYC when he was shot 41 times by the cops there and then that lame ass mayor Rudi Guiliani had the temerity because he’d been a criminal , the act was justified . Diallo had a juvenile record for shop-lifting as a 14 year old . Martin in this incident was an honor student without a criminal record at all . But an ass who’s a wanna be cop can get away this ? Thankfully the Civil Rights division of the Justice Dept will conduct their own investigation into this because if it’s left to the bigoted as_holes in Seminole County this’ll end up being a damn whitewash in terms of an investigation .

    Here’s link to a critical part of this incident and the lack of action by Sanford Police and Seminole Co Sheriff’s Dept .

    Trayvon Martin’s Last Phone Call Triggers Demand for Arrest ‘Right Now’

    By MATT GUTMAN (@mattgutmanABC) and SENI TIENABESO (@senijr_abc)
    SANFORD, Fla., March 20, 2012

    A phone call from slain black teenager Trayvon Martin to his girlfriend seconds before he was shot dead by a self-appointed neighborhood watch captain “blows … out of the water” the shooter’s self-defense claim and he should be arrested “right now,” a lawyer for Martin’s family said today.

    Attorney Benjamin Crump spoke after ABC News reported exclusively the existence of a phone call between Martin and his girlfriend, which detailed the last terrifying moments of Martin’s life as he was pursued, accosted and shot dead by George Zimmerman.

    Police accepted Zimmerman’s claim of self-defense and have charged him with no crime.

    “This young lady connects the dots,” said Crump. “Arrest George Zimmerman for the killing of Trayvon Martin in cold blood, today.

    “We don’t understand how he’s not arrested. The family worries that the more time passes it will be swept under the rug,” the lawyer said.

    Martin’s death Feb. 26 has stirred national outrage and protests, partly prompting the U.S. Justice Department’s Civil Rights Division and the FBI to open an investigation into the case.

    Florida State Attorney Norm Wolfinger announced today that he had ordered an “expeditious review” of the investigation conducted by the Sanford Police Department, and that he would be “utilizing the investigative resources of the Seminole County Grand Jury, which will be called to session” next month.


    Click on link to read in full .


    tophatal ………….

  6. Questionable are the Magic to be looked upon as credible after that display against the Bulls ? 14 pts in the 1st quarter and 59 points in total ? Who’s buying into bull_hit concerning this team ? And Dwight felt he was being loyal in staying ? He’s a damn fool ! No one within the organization knows what the hell they’re doing . Not Van Gundy , not Otis Smith and certainly not Alec Martins as the COO for the Magic ! Now what ?

  7. Al…

    I don’t think anyone in the East is credible, at least not in the sense that they can reach the Finals.

    I think you have the Heat and the Bulls and pretty much everyone else.

  8. That’s why I do most of my drinking at aero’s sports pub where our motto is “if there’s a game, there’s a party”. Mention my name and you’ll get a good seat.

  9. Actually it’s a gazebo in my backyard complete with tv, stereo, fridge, and not one but two 3speed fans for you drinking and dining pleasure. It’s not fancy, but I call it home.

  10. The guy , Zimmerman , isn’t even a cop , he’s a member of the local neighborhood watch in that gated community where Martin’s family resides. So make of it what you will . .

    So Payton gets suspended by the NFL for a year for his involvement in ” Bounty Gate ” ? Finally Goodell shows he’s got some balls after-all ! Why didn’t he also punish Belichick with the same sort of impunity as well ?

    Saints coach Sean Payton suspended for 2012 season by NFL

    NEW YORK – New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton was suspended without pay for the 2012 season by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, and former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams was banned indefinitely on Wednesday because of the team’s bounty program that targeted opposing players.

    Handing down sweeping and serious punishment for a system that paid out thousands of dollars when hits knocked specific opponents out of games, Goodell also suspended Saints general manager Mickey Loomis for the first eight regular-season games next season, and assistant coach Joe Vitt for the first six games.

    In addition, Goodell fined the Saints $500,000 and took away their second-round draft picks this year and next.

    Click on link to read in full.


    And you tried to suggest he’s been a good commissioner ? He , Selig and Stern are cut from the same cloth ! Too ###k$ing stupid for their own good !

  11. The Bulls to me are a far more consistent team than the Heat . There’s more depth and balance than anything on the Heat roster . They’re also better coached than Riles’ protege Spoelstra , who to my mind is still learning the ropes ! Look at Thibodeua’s credentials as a coach . It speaks volumes as to what he’s about .

  12. Al…

    Take a step back and understand that Goodell had no other option than to bring the hammer down on the Saints and everyone else involved in the Bounty scandal.

    He couldn’t turn a blind eye. Trust me, the criticism would have been way worse.

    To be honest, I don’t fault him for his decision. Since stepping into office, he’s been consistent in his stance in trying to clean up the game.

    Remember, the line he walks is a fine one between keeping the game violent and protecting the health of his players.

  13. I always enjoy reading your blog, Chris.

    And the Yahoo News of the Day: Big Stars Hide Baby Bumps. I think Occupy Wall Street got it wrong. What about…Occupy Our Brains!

  14. Chris Unless the Heat shores up that <a href=" defense then I can't see them handling the Bulls ! Albeit that they acquired Turiaf within the last 48 hours . Goodell walks a fine line alright between bs and even more bs ! How is it that after all of the evidence about the cause and effect about head trauma injuries which he , the league hierarchy and union refused to acknowledge for so long but now in light of this scandal he’s front and center . Bear in mind that he’s forced into this all because the owners drew ire with him and not much else because this whole situation was well known to league for at least three years . So please don’t act as if he’s now acting in the best interest of the game . This is an image PR exercise and makeover for the NFL after his bungled efforts in the labor negotiation fiasco ! Did you by any chance catch the interview of former Bears’ quarterback Jim McMahon and his now ongoing health issues ? Story with real cause for concern because it’s so reminiscent of what so many NFL veterans are now said to be facing .

    Goodell professed that safety was of utmost concern for the league but he like his predecessor Paul Tagliabue and the union (NFLPA) ignored the hard evidence shown to them by leading medical studies repeatedly for years .

    See link provided below and let me know what you think ?

    McMahon believes league hid information on concussions

    Two-time Super Bowl champion Jim McMahon is among 300 retired players or spouses suing the NFL for concussion-related dementia and brain disease symptoms they claim were suffered on the job.

    McMahon, the ex-Chicago Bears star, has been outspoken on the issue and believes the league went so far as to conceal information related to concussions.

    “We knew what was going on with pretty much every other part of the body,” McMahon said on ESPN’s Outside the Lines, per “We knew there was going to be a chance for injury. But we didn’t know about the head trauma. And they did, and that’s the whole reason for this lawsuit. … They knew about it and they didn’t tell us. That’s like looking in your face and lying to you. Flat-out lying.


    Click on link to read article in its entirety .


    I’ll have a piece up on McMahon and the penalization of the Saints and will provide you with a link as per usual .

    What Brackets It’s Still A Damn Racket ….. Perhaps The Magic Also Should Be Watching The Tournament ?

    My brackets have been obliterated ! What now ?


  15. Look at the Heat and their so called much vaunted defense and look at where they sit in East and NBA as a whole ? Still convinced that they’ll get over that hurdle given those stats and that their avg margin of victory is a mere 7.5 ppg ?

  16. Society is crumbling. Seems at least once each day I come across a jaw-dropping example of “people gone wild” with their trash, their trash-talking, their driving like they are trashed (which may explain that toteboard devoted to bar loyalty), etc. Whether it is stress and/or anger from work, the economy, illnesses, aging…whatever…we have become less civil to each other. No doubt about it. And if anyone needs convinced, just watch or read the “news”…

  17. Al…

    I still like the Heat, Al. No disrespect to the Bulls but I just think if Wade and LeBron turn it on, there’ll be no stopping them and the Bulls don’t have the guard play to stop them.

    And that McMahon story is going to get a lot uglier for the league before it gets better, that’s for sure.

  18. Al…

    Re: Margin of victory, the Heat are at 8.1 a game. That’s second best in the league only to Chicago.

    I’m not a firm believer in that stat as a tell-all to whether a team will win a championship but if you are, like I said, they’re only a point per game behind Chicago.

    I’m more impressed that Chicago’s only allowing 88.5 ppg while Miami’s allowing almost 94.

  19. Defense wins championships ! The advantage that the Heat has in terms of the core roster and experience . But if Bosh fails to turn up then just about anything is possible .

    Don’t worry about the McMahon story per say but what the Duerson case in Cook County Court , Chicago , Ill . That case is far more winnable than most are prepared to admit but I suspect that there may well be a settlement without any admittance of wrongdoing on the part of the the NFL !

  20. Al…

    If defense wins championships, then the Gators appear to be well on their way to winning their third.

    So far they’ve smothered their opponents, shutting down Marquette’s Jae Crowder last night, beating each opponent so far by double digits and allowing their last three opponents to score 45, 50 and 58 points respectively.

    Not bad, Billy D. Not bad at all.

  21. Hey there. I have to say I enjoy reading your blog because it’s not just sports-related.

    I know you enjoy doing some off-topic stories and wondered if you would interested in press passes for the upcoming Gasperilla film festival. Press passes get you into every event and we have some great events.

    If so, email us here- List my name somewhere in the comments section and we will process you as a rush.

    Please try to get it in soon if you’re interested in coming.

    We have one sports film called The Red Bull Halo

    This is my way of saying thanks for helping out my friend, Gary.

    Valerie Beckett
    Volunteer Coordinator
    2012 Gasperilla International Film Festival

  22. Well, Al….

    I just put up a post, kinda sorta, about the Gators, and their absolute collapse against the Louisville Cardinals.

    I’m still recovering, so I did my best to make light of the situtaion.

    18-3 or 18-5 run to finish the game, or whatever it was, it’s still all kind of a blur, as I’m sure it is for all those that were on the floor.

    But life goes on… and we await Bradley Beal’s announcement.

    Your take on the eventual champion?

  23. That Gators’ team simply fell asleep ! As for the matchup ‘tween Louisville and Kentucky . Don’t think for one minute that it’s clear cut as many already believe it to be . Pitino has Calipari’s number .

    The one thing I do know is that Baylor’s women’s team could give a scare to one or two of the teams that represented the state of Florida a scare in the NCAA Tournament !

    tophatal ……..

  24. The Kentucky-Louisville line is 8 1/2 points, Al, and the only way to bet that game is to take Louisville money line to win which should come back around 3 to 1.

    And dude, how many times has Brittney Griner dunked already in this tourney?

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