Chumpservations, Vol. 25: Cable conglomerates, blue rinsers and the cure for tartar buildup

Hello, Friend

Am I the only one creeped out by Brighthouse Network’s newest ad campaign?  At first, they were kitschy, mysterious. A lone woman, riding slowly up an escalator or a guy on his fishing boat in the middle of the lake, both of them looking directly into the camera and suggestively murmuring “Hello, Friend.” 

We didn’t know what to make of these commercials.  What were these people selling and why do they want to be my friends so badly?  Were we suddenly in the middle of another Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake?

Now these ads are everywhere you look.  Billboards on every highway, that eerie whistle every third commercial.  They’ve taken over programming on most of my cable box, with hour slots reading nothing more than “Hello, Friend.”


They’ve invaded my airwaves like those unsettling, Five-Hour Energy commercials.  I like an energy jolt as much as the next guy, but aren’t those weird as well?  The actors in those commercials, none of whom we’ve seen before, seem oddly calm for people who are about to get all hopped up on jamba juice.

I guess there’s not much we can do about the Brighthouse ads, considering they control the airwaves.  I guess I’ll just go to sleep hoping I don’t wake up to pods growing out of my cable box or a permed, possessed Donald Sutherland coming to take me away.

The cure for tartar buildup

So I bought this new mouthwash the other day.

I don’t really use mouthwash all that often, nor do I floss as much as I should.  Please don’t tell my imaginary dentist.

I was in the pharmacy section of my local supermarket and happened to pass by that secluded aisle of healthy goods, you know, the kind that give you the impression that if you spend a few, extra dollars, they’ll do what the major brands are supposed to but don’t, all the while saving the environment in the process.

This particular bottle said healthy mouth, prevents tartar buildup, and something else about healthy teeth and gums.  It cost eight bucks.

Since I’m now living a debt-free existence and had money to burn, I figured I’d splurge.  After all, that eight dollars wasn’t only buying me healthy gums, it was buying me peace of mind.

I’ve been using it a lot more lately, as instructed.  It tastes just like cinnamon.  I haven’t checked my tartar count but I can only assume it’s lower, right?  At least eight dollars lower.

Or maybe I’ll just go back to using Listerine.

She Can’t Drive 55

I was driving back from the gym the other day after pretending to work out.  The local YMCA is one interstate exit up from me which means I actually get to drive 80 mph there and back… unless of course, there’s someone in my way.

As most of you know, the Sunshine State is known for its leniency in letting senior citizens drive.  I call them blue rinsers.  I’m not saying all old people can’t drive.  Heck, I know plenty of young people that can’t drive either.  But Florida is replete with rinsers who travel ten to twenty miles under the speed limit, in the fast lane, increasing state-wide road rage counts without even knowing they’re doing so.

This particular weekday, I saw something I hadn’t seen before and I’ve lived in Florida a while.  There was an elderly lady, in the passing lane, driving 55 mph (in a 70) ON HER CELLPHONE!  No Bluetooth.  Just one hand on the steering wheel, granny gangsta lean-style, cellphone pressed against her ear, chit-chatting away, paying far more attention to her conversation than the gas pedal.

Look, I’m all for increased communication and equal rights for rinsers, but if you’re going to do so, on the expressway at a snail’s pace, please be cognizant of the other cars around you.  And if you’re talking long-distance to your grandmother and find out she’s driving while she’s talking to you, please do us all a favor and tell her you’ll call her back when she gets home safely.

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35 Replies to “Chumpservations, Vol. 25: Cable conglomerates, blue rinsers and the cure for tartar buildup”

  1. Pingback: Chumpservations, Vol. 25: Cable conglomerates, blue rinsers and the cure for tartar buildup - BallHyped, Straight Ballin Blog | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Point by point: 1. I have DirecTV and I’ve never seen any of those Brighthouse commercials. 2. Screw mouthwash and floss. Do what the smart set has been doing for years. Toothpicks and suction sucking. 3. As for the rinser doing 55 on her cellphone, give her a break. She was just getting directions to the early bird.

  3. Given the choice between Brighthouse , Verizon and AT & T as my cable service provider . I’d have to reluctantly take Brighthouse because the other two have simply been gouging their customers over the past four years . Take Verizon for instance ……. having lost in excess of $2 billion ($2,000,000,000) in one quarter those rat “fink bas_ards” suddenly brought in certain discretionary increases well beyond the scope of what’s considered to be fair . And that’s now being applied across the board for all of their customers and consumers.

    On the crest of mourning the Spurs bowing out of the postseason after last night’s events . But I’m gettin’ my groove back by listening to Elephant Man’s Jook Gal !

    How ’bout Goodell and the NFL seeking to bring in replacement officials for this upcoming NFL season if they’re unable to reach an amicable peace accord with the union representing the referees ? And there are idiots out there writing and stating the NFL environment is now healthy ? Are they on Conrad Murray’s favorite prescription medication (Propofol) which he willingly gave to the late Michael Jackson ? Goodell is now operating on ” a need to know basis”. There’s more #hit now coming out implicating Vilma that he obviously didn’t feel the NFL (league ) had the right to use against him as evidence. How f_@king stupid are these players in the NFL ….. specifically trhe Saints’ players embroiled in this god-damn mess ?

    Rays vs Yankees …….. the opposing pitchers make for an interesting observation and contrast in styles don’t you think ? Never mind what the series will mean with regard to the current standings in the AL East

  4. Never mind aging geriatrics being unable to damn well drive . How ’bout the recent story emanating out the Bay area of a teenage mother pouring boiling hot water on her 2 yr old because she wouldn’t stop crying ? And on the West Coast a drug induced mother who left her kid in the car seat on top of her vehicle and then drove 3 miles with the child on top . The kid in the seat fell from the vehicle unto a busy highway and missed being killed as several tractor trailers and other motor vehicles avoided the seat in the middle of a busy highway . Parenting California style ………. do the drugs but you don’t do time because you won’t be held accountable for your actions ’cause you’re doin’ weed and claim it’s for a medical ailment . How ##cked up is that ?

  5. Television’s signal providers have become so advanced I’ve started to wonder who’s watching who (or is it whom?)
    I don’t like using mouthwash it ruins the taste of my beer. Maybe if they come out with a beer flavored mouthwash.
    As a fellow who’s fast approaching his golden years I would just like to assure you that I don’t ever use the phone in any way while I’m driving because that would mean I would have to put down my beer.

  6. I think the Spurs offense is experiencing the equivalent of said tartar buildup. Got a mouthwash for stagnant O? Perhaps a better defense?

  7. Snake…

    Save her some food at the early bird. Don’t finish all the popcorn shrimp before she gets there.

    Nervous for tonight’s ballgame? Miami sure as hell should be.

  8. Al…

    I don’t mind the Brighthouse service. Over the past four years I’ve had it, it’s actually been pretty reliable, between the cable and the high speed internet. But their commercials are now everywhere I look.

    Should be a good homestand against the Yanks too. I’d consider going but I couldn’t gve up watching these NBA Playoffs. Things are about to get nasty.

  9. Billy B…

    There was a point in last night’s Spurs-Thunder game, where the Thunder had Sefolosha, Durant, Westbrook, Ibaka and Harden all on the floor at the same time.

    The oldest among them was 28, the average age was under 24… and they were beating the Spurs.

    Pretty damn impressive.

  10. Snake…

    Let’s just say I have a follow-up LeBron piece in the works, that depends on what happens here in the NBA Finals.

    I’m not sure whether all the criticism he gets is fair, founded or deserved. Some of it obviously has to be. And nothing other than a ring will shut those critics up.

    Rome made a great point the other day on his radio show. If it’s LeBron who misses that three-point attempt at the end of overtime instead of Wade, we would all be tearing James a new asshole. But Wade gets a pass, because he’s got a ring.

    I look at Durant get to the whole in crunch time and wonder why LeBron can’t do the same thing.

    This series is not over yet. The fat lady ain’t singing. But LeBron and company better take Game Five seriously. San Antonio found out the hard way what happens if you don’t.

  11. If the Celtics make it to the finals, I would much rather see them playing the Spurs. Keeping the Thunder intact may give them 5, 6, dare I say 7 championships in a row. Where have I heard that before?

  12. I would think you’d rather face the Spurs too, Snake, and it wouldn’t surprise me one bit to see San Antonio go into Oklahoma City in Game Six and return serve.

    But that Chesapeake Energy Arena is loud as hell and the team, while young, is good.

    Can you imagine if Oklahoma City won it all this year? Durant getting a ring before LeBron? Seattle’s suicide rate spiking high? I think the world might just implode.

  13. If we could harness the destructive power of the elderly behind the wheel, we wouldn’t need nuclear weapons.

  14. C’mon Chris , given the choice between Brighthouse’s ads and those of the legal firms of Morgan & Morgan or
    Culpeppr & Kurland
    , which’d you prefer ? Be honest at least with your answer . LOL,LOL,LOL !! The Morgan ads featuring Charlie Crist are a friggin’ joke as well as being somewhat hysterical . How the #@ck has he served the state either as governor as or as a state legislator ? Oh God , I forgot this Florida …… we get what we deserve when we vote these imbeciles in !

    Thanks Rick Scott ……. how’s the FCAT going as well as the other dumb ##s initiatives you’re either taking credit for or bringing but haven’t produced one iota of tangibility to lives of the residents within the state .

    I am not saying his (Scott’s) approval ratings are really bad but it’s been rumored were there a recall and his opponent were , Fidel Castro , even Cuban-American population of the state would vote for the dictator .

    Your thoughts on this NBA piece ?

    The Walk of Shame

    Your thoughts on Goodell possibly bringing in replacement officials(referees) for the upcoming NFL season ? Their union isn’t entirely happy with the offer forthcoming from the league hierarchy .

  15. Series pitching matchups Rays/Yankees

    Pettitte……Tues nite



    Yankees 8/5 edge to win series(2/3) in Bronx.

    Chris why the tag “blue rinsers”?

    A few years ago on I15 a car was doing only 60 mph in the Cadillac lane. One irate young driver was honking and flashing his lights in an attempt to get the slowpoke to move over. All in vain. Well the rage set in and he decided to ram the vehicle a few times. Ut oh, bad move. The slowpokes were detectives in an unmarked car. They fired their guns in the air and pulled the kid over. Total attitude reversal.

  16. It’s good to see Spoelstra so upbeat after last night’s loss . LOL,LOL,LOL !! Rumor has it that LBJ’s mom has asked LeBron’s father to take a paternity test just to make sure he’s actually the father . It’s got to be the DNA hasn’t it ? He’s (LBJ) shown absolutely no leadership skills and there now seems to be the unwillingness by him to take that “game winning shot ” when it matters most . Joakim Noah was unto something when he said the Heat were simply “soft and too Hollywood ” es

    The Walk of Shame ….

  17. The Rays are sending shivers down my spine when it comes to their lack of defense . Last season this team was in no way as ill-disciplined as they are now in that specific category .

    LeBron is too old to be put up for adoption in the Florida Child care system . So why the hell is Gloria James said to be so unhappy ? Could it be that he’s jealous of Wanda Pratt , the mother of Kevin Durant as he now nears a possible appearance in the NBA Finals and quite be possibly favored to lead the Thunder to their first NBA title ? Your thoughts ?

    Goodell says he has no wish to come off looking lik an as_hole again . This time when he takes on NFLRA (referees’ association -union) as they seek an extension in their contract negotiations . The commissioner says he’ll be bringing a Glock .45mm and a Sig Sauer to that particular fight as well as a switch blade . Now what ?

  18. Al…

    All those local commercials dominate the airwaves. But hey, commerce makes the world go round, right?

    I’ll be over to check out your NBA piece, but um… what are we to make of this Miami Heat team?

    Are they underachieving or are they just not that good?

  19. RB…

    Not a good start for the Rays. Blasted in the first game of three.

    I’ll take the over in the Cobb/Nova match-up, and um… what are the odds on a sweep? That’s probably the way to play it.

    And violence is never the answer, sir. Those kids learned that the hard way.

  20. Al…

    Spolestra’s been getting his fair share of heat lately, no pun intended.

    I imagine with Riley, Wade and James all type-A’s, it’s tough for this guy, who’s the head coach, mind you, to get his point across. Or maybe he just doesn’t know any better.

    The bottom line is, his team is one loss away from falling well short of their goals.

    And I thought being an Orlando Magic fan was bad.

  21. Al…

    Re: the Rays, their errors are way up but isn’t it also possible that their defense over the past few years exceeded expectations?

    Maybe they got too comfortable.

    Either way, it’s time for all of them to take a little more fielding practice… and batting practice too.

  22. The Florida Dept of Child & Family Svcs can’t take LeBron and place him in the foster care or adoption system in spite of the wishes of his mother Gloria James who says she’s had enough of his immaturity and non-winning attitude.

    I know my Spurs bowed out and deservedly so ! They were outplayed and outcoached by a much better team .

    Chris over the past five years the Rays have been one of the top defensive teams in all of baseball. I’d like to think it’s a minor blip on the radar but the past couple of games seem to indicate otherwise .

  23. Chris

    If you think Spoelstra and the Heat players are feelin’ “heat”. Have ’em drive through parts of ‘Liberty City’ , Overtown , Carol City and the Brownsville areas of greater Miami , and see how they’ll be treated should they lose this series ?

  24. Al…

    Incredible ballgame last night between Oklahoma City and San Antonio… and an incredible series.

    This is one of the youngest teams in the league and obviously one of the most determined.

    Not only that, they have most of their players already locked up. Fisher’s an unrestricted free agent and Harden and Ibaka both restricted FAs. If they can get those guys signed, depending on whether they want to give a run with Fish another year (why wouldn’t they after last night?), I don’t see why this team can’t dominate for some time to come.

    Now which Finals would you rather see? OKC-Boston or OKC-Miami?

  25. I’ve watched both series finals this year not quite in their entirety and I can honestly say that both were exhilarating !

    The game seven between the Heat and Celtics is now all the more meaningful . The Heat has that added advantage there’s no doubt about that at all .

    AAArena wkill ‘ be off the chain ‘.


  26. Yea, Al, I can only imagine the partying that will be going on in South Beach should the Heat pull this thing off.

    And I’ll be right over to check out your latest.

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