Mickey Rourke, the fastest man alive

There’s this joke that starts out “So Mickey Rourke meets Usain Bolt outside a London café, at four in the morning, challenges him to a race and beats him.”

Actually, that’s no joke.  According to Rourke, that really happened.  Rourke, 59, was hanging out in London, doing what movie stars do, and he just happened to run into Bolt.  Rourke then challenged the gold medalist to a footrace.  Rourke allegedly asked Bolt to line up a few steps behind him, giving Rourke a slight head start.  The Oscar-nominated actor then beat him in a 30-yard dash, which is odd considering he was likely wearing a leather jacket, cowboy boots, baggy jeans and a lot of clanky jewelry.  Apparently sun-drenched skin and extensive, facial reconstructive surgery make one more aerodynamic and thus, Olympically viable.

I’m 44 and haven’t challenged anyone to a race in years, unless of course, it involved chugging beer.  That’s not to say, if given the opportunity, I wouldn’t challenge Bolt to a mano a mano sprint, or perhaps a music trivia contest, where I could surely take him.

But the Rourke-Bolt match-up got me thinking.  If you had one opportunity to challenge any figure, past or present, to any event at any given time, who and what would it be?

Would you challenge Ernest Hemingway to an arm wrestling contest, Sinatra to a karaoke sing-off, or keep it simple and persuade Sofia Vergara into a lifelong kiss-off?  Remember, those were my ideas first, guys.

So entertain me.  I have a batch of brand new SportsChump t-shirts that I’m just itching to give away.  Explain in the comments section below who you’d challenge to what event and why.  The answer I deem most shirt-worthy will win some fresh new attire to wear around the Olympic village.

And when people ask you where you got that fabulous t-shirt, don’t forget to tell them you won it by challenging Christopher Walken to a dance-off.

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30 Replies to “Mickey Rourke, the fastest man alive”

  1. Pingback: Mickey Rouke, the fastest man alive - BallHyped, Straight Ballin Blog | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. I don’t know what I’d do but I know what I wouldn’t do, and that would be NOT to challenge Linda Lovelace to a hot dog eating contest.

  3. Chris

    I’d challenge my favorite all-time boxer Marvin Hagler to go three rounds with him . The only impediment to this all , would be for him to have both hands tied behind his back and I could use my martial arts . No just kidding , merely to go three rounds with him would be fun enough ! Still hearken for the days when he (Hagler) was laying out guys , unlike the tomato cans we now see in the sport who claim to be champions .

    So will you bidding on any of the items that the Marlins will have open for auction as it relates to their impending fire sale ? $100 million plus payroll from a team that has been playing as if they’ve got some form of physical impediment . In other words they can’t hit or pitch for #hit !

    This just in , Dwight Howard was recently seen coming out of his therapist’s office claiming to have been cured of his angst and behavioral issues . At the time he was wearing diapers carrying a teddy bear and singing nursery rhymes while accompanied by his agent Dan Fegan .

    Public comments from the front office of the Magic stems from ” we believe Dwight best serves this organization when he’s playing well and entertaining the fans ” ………… ” to Dwight Howard remains part of the Magic family because we firmly believe in his talent ” .

    How “stoned” or drunk would be more appropriate was Mickey Rourke at the time ? I seem to remember after he abandoned his career in the eighties saying he wanted to become a professional boxer and claimed that he could beat any middleweight put in front of him ? Roberto Duran , Tommy Hearns and Hagler would’ve fu#ked him up with both hands tied behind their back . And that is no word of a lie . LOL ,LOL,LOL !!!

    tophatal ……….

  4. Challenge Hagler to a boxing match, huh, Al? I don’t have that much of a death-wish so that’s probably something I’d stay away from. I imagine your martial arts background would keep you on your toes for a while but I prefer my nose and cheekbones just the way they are, thank you very much.

    Re: the Marlins, I’d be interested in hearing what Ozzie has to say about their current wheeling and dealings.

    I like the fact that the Magic aren’t just getting rid of Dwight just to get rid of him. It’s already bad enough they’re losing the best big man in the game. To do so for peanuts would just make matters worse.

    And terms like ‘drunk,’ ‘stoned’ and ‘Rourke’ always seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? Apparently, the IOC has not recognized the Rourke-Bolt race as Rourke’s drug test results are not yet in.

  5. Since you brought it up and it happens to be the one event that I have been training for all of my adult life there can be only one answer. I would challenge you sir to a beer chugging contest. While it’s true that I have ten years on you I believe this to be a competition in which experience will lead to victory.

  6. Aer…

    Kissing up to the webmaster, huh? That could be immediate grounds for disqualification.

    Besides, I don’t really chug beer anymore. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve turned my drinking into more of a marathon than a sprint.

  7. ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ ♪ Sugar in the morning, sugar in the evening, sugar at suppertime… You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve been watching a 5 season Californication marathon all week long.

  8. No sugar tonight in my coffee, no sugar tonight in my tea.

    I haven’t watched much Californication but what I have seen, I’ve loved.

    I need to get some pay channels. FYI, have you caught Louie yet?

  9. I’m pretty sure I could beat Jerry Sandusky in a “Not Getting Raped In Prison” contest.

    Too soon?

  10. Dub may have just won this thing. Give everyone else a chance please, sir.

    Does that mean I have to get XXXL shirts made up? I should have known.

  11. Before taking up martial arts I did box in high school and fought in local contests in sanctioned bouts as a high schooler , having also fought for my high school as well.

    The IOC has a back log of tests to deal with . Rumors still surface that they’re still unsure as to the sexuality of several East European female track stars , dating back to the late seventies and early eighties ? Those females had Adam’s Apples larger than Clay Aiken’s nu#-sack .

    Rourke has never failed a test he didn’t like .

    I don’t think that Ozzie cares if this team is ripped apart as it saves him from having to do it . You seem to forget the circumstances under which he left the White Sox ? He denigrated not only GM Ken Williams and team owner Jerry Reinsdorf . But he pretty much made sure that he won’t be on the Christmas card list of several players still on the roster .

    Hanley Ramirez is now a Los Angeles Dodger ?

    Change you believe in

    If the Rays’ inconsistency remains , is it likely that they will consider gutting the team ? Your thoughts ?

    tophatal ……….

  12. Al…

    So the Rays say arigato to Godzilla and pick up Ryan Roberts in the process. They should be thrilled about picking up a .250 career hitter as that’s already better than anyone the Rays currently have in their lineup.

  13. Al….

    You and I both know the Rays have extremely limited purse strings, so if they can land potential on the cheap, that’s what they’re going to do.

    They still rank 29th out of 30 teams in attendance per game. So why would this team spend millions on a player, or a lot more than that on relocation to a new stadium, if there is no guaranteed return on their investment?

  14. Chris

    Both you and I know the Rays will never win a World Series currently based under the way they operate . That being said they’re not operating under the pretext that so many teams around baseball currently do .

    The Marlins have fleeced the city of Miami and will walk away with a big fat profit at the end of it all . The city built them a $575 million , 37,500 seat stadium for which the city council still remains under investigation by the US Justice Department . But their dumb #ss fans act oblivious to it all .

    chappy once asked me why I abandoned the team after years of avowed devotion . The owners’ conceit and repeated lies are a testament as to the reasons why .

    The day that Stuart Sternberg takes that route will be the day you will most definitely abandon the Rays .

    Oh by the way, are and do you still hold to the fact that the county or city councils should use their resources to build the Rays a stadium in light of the economic climate (both governmental agencies have multi million dollar budget deficits) ? Bear in mind , the cities of St Pete and Tampa are blighted and neither of their idiot leaders has any idea how to rectify their problems .

    The local beat writers are so damn clueless but yet they’re the ones touting the use of public resources to build such a venue , while county and city employees are being laid off from their places of employment .

    Change you can believe in



    tophatal …………….

  15. Al…

    If the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that the priciest rosters don’t always win it all. Look at the Cardinals and Giants. Those teams won with comparable overall salaries. So why NOT the Rays?

    At this point, I’m not sure how anybody could justify the use of tax payer dollars to move that stadium across the water, particularly when we still boast a double-digit unemployment rate.

    Looks like the Trop is here to stay, at least for the time being.

  16. I challenge John Daly to the Hooter’s Triple Crown!

    1…. Number of wings consumed in 10 minutes.

    2…. Number of shots consumed in 60 minutes.

    3…. Number of times slapped by Hooters girls in the 60 minutes of shot drinking.

    Johnny’s new diet may help me keep it close during the first two stages. Then, his celebrity status should allow me to cruise to the third leg, and, overall, win.

  17. I would challenge Joey Chestnut to an Ice Cream eating contest. I have been practicing all summer. This takes much training so as not to get brain freeze or ice cream headaches. I like my chances.

  18. Han…

    I commend you for challenging an opponent to an event you would likely lose, however, I must say, the thought of you and John, side by side, in loud, plaid pants, well, let’s just say neither of you would be leaving that restaurant with a Hooters waitress.

    And matching red cheeks to boot.

  19. Goose…

    It’s okay, you can say bong hits on this site.

    Back in the day, I liked your chances against pretty much anybody.

    I guess ice cream is the new weed.

  20. Where to start?

    Hmmm….I’d challenge the Orlando Magic’s new GM to a shit or get off the pot contest, Ron Artest to a beer toss, Paul Pierce to a wheelchair race, Mike Tyson to an Earios eating contest, Derek Jeter in speed dating, Elgin Baylor to a draft contest, Rajon Rondo to a best of ten from 15 feet, Shaq in a free throw contest, Allen Iverson to practice, Andrew Bynum to a flying elbow contest, Latrell Spreewell to a mulligan contest and Roger Clemens in a polygraph.

  21. CDR…

    So maybe the Mickey Rourke two-step is the way to go, huh? Challenge Bolt to a five-step race and have him give you a three-step advantage.

    I mean, that has to be what happened, right?

  22. Wow, Bleed, those are all pretty damn good, a veritable, who’s who decathlon. I’ll have to consult myself and see if that takes down the Dubster, which it very well might.

    Either way, it sounds like a fun week of competition. I have this image of you walking into the stadium during the opening ceremonies, proudly hoisting your purple and gold flag, calling out your opponents as you threaten to take them down one by one.

    “I don’t know much about Angola, but I know they’re in trouble.” – Charles Barkley.

  23. tophatal

    He actually trained with Duran and Hearns… he said he learned tons form Duran.. like Duran could destroy him because he just knew so much more and well obviously was better… he said sparring with both of them was “scary” so there you go , they could kill him

  24. Diego, thanks for commenting.

    Stepping into the ring with either of those guys would require one, I would think, to have their head examined.

    If not before, then most certainly afterwards.

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