Orlando Magic: Single Again

Lots of people are on dating websites these days.  In fact, it’s safe to say the internet has revolutionized the way lovers meet.  It’s quite brilliant, actually.  The airwaves have taken the whole, too-timid-to-make-the-first-move quandary right out of the shy guy’s equation.  Thank you, Al Gore.

In light of Dwight Howard’s repeated stance that he will NOT remain a member of the Orlando Magic, much like his Shaquillish predecessor, I thought it might be time for Orlando to create a dating profile of its own, since the franchise apparently can’t keep a good man on lock.  After all, one can only take so much rejection before resorting to more drastic measures.

Let us not sit in judgment.  Haven’t you ever encouraged a friend unable to find that special someone to dabble with internet dating?   Well, now it’s Orlando’s turn.  A persuasive, dating profile might be all the Magic need to change its image and finally find its one true love.  Hey, I’m just here to help.




Hi, my name is Orlando. 

Please forgive me as I’m new at this whole thing.  A good friend suggested I try internet dating after a recent break-up.  I figured I didn’t have anything to lose.

I was born in 1989, which means I’m finally old enough to drink, tee hee.  I’d love the opportunity to wine and dine you (Geez, I hope that doesn’t sound too desperate).  It’s just that, I’ve had a hard time of it lately.  I’ve been close to finding true happiness twice now, once in 1995 and once in 2009.  It didn’t work out.  Have you ever thought you’ve found that one true love, only to have it blow up in your face?  That your future is, well… never mind.  I don’t want to bore you with stories of my sordid past.  On to bigger and better things, shall we?

I know I must sound like a real loser but I actually have a lot going for me.  All I’m looking for at this point is some stability, a little commitment and some good times.  And eventually, yes, a ring.  For some reason, I haven’t found anyone to stick with me long term.  Anyone that’s worth a damn, at least.

I’m a great city (Ick, this DOES sound desperate).   I have the only the finest restaurants and clubs for you to frequent.  I have brand new digs.  In fact, some say they’re the nicest in the entire NBA.  Plus I can get you in on the ground floor of Amway, if you’re interested.

I can surround you with quality players… ok, scratch that.  I have ownership that’s committed to winning.  Ok, scratch that too.  Have I mentioned I have a nice new arena?   And a head coach with a French first name to make us sound more refined.

Even though I’ve been left standing at the altar once or twice, I’m no second fiddle.  You and I could build a bright future if you’d only give me the chance.

Come to Orlando and let’s build a championship… together.

Magically yours,



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39 Replies to “Orlando Magic: Single Again”

  1. Pingback: Orlando Magic: Single Again - BallHyped, NBA | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  2. Chris

    Other than John Gabriel as the Magic’s GM . The names of John Wiesbrod (now with the NHL) and Otis Smith have held the position . Of the last pairing , neither has possessed the knowledge to produce a team capable of winning a divisional title much less the NBA title , itself . And that is one thing we have to look at . The hiring of Rob Hennigan (GM) to my mind is not that insightful or impressive . Never mind the hiring of Jacques Vaughn as the new head coach .

    As for Dwight Howard , what is there left to say ? His immaturity is only outshone by his now inconsistent talent . Howard simply doesn’t possess the leadership qualities necessary to lead a franchise to an NBA title . He’s certainly no Shaquille O’Neal or Hakeem Olajuwon for that matter !

    Vaughn may have served an apprenticeship under the best coach in the NBA Greg Popovich . But other than that what has Vaughn really done ? He was a passable player in the NBA if that .

    I’ve never been a fan of the comedian Dane Cook ! And I never will ! This dumb a#s flamed in his comedy act in Hollywood , making a joke about the tragedy in Aurora , Colorado . Cook is a dumb ##ck !

  3. NOTHING POSITIVE is going to happen in Orlando until the team is sold to an owner who cares about the team. Rich DeVos is as big a joke as Donald Sterling (Clippers) and James Dolan (Knicks). Of course, it could have been worse. The Magic could have hired Isiah Thomas.

  4. Chris

    Does Craigslist still allow site to be used for pandering ? Sorry I mean for certain business opportunities aimed at certain demographics ?

    tophatal ………

  5. You forgot to mention how you like to over pay and make long term commitments to injury prone free agents. Might be a selling point for a fellow desperado with a history of bad breakups to know they’ll at least end up on the better end of a potential split. How’d Sheen put it?…Winning!

    Good luck with your love search Mr. Magic. I’m sure no Kardashian will read this and see an easy mark or anything.

  6. The paragraph that begins “I’m a great city” should reference what’s twenty miles west of Orlando. That paragraph could be true, if you mention that those restaurants and clubs are twenty miles west of the arena.

  7. Al…

    Agreed on all counts.

    I guess, as Magic fans, we’re supposed to take solace in the fact that both Vaughn and Hennigan worked in the San Antonio organization, as if rubbing off a little Pop, or breezing by him through the Alamo hallways, might bring some Duncanny luck our way. Not sure I’m buying that.

    Hey, Raheem was supposed to be the next Mike Tomlin, right? How’d that turn out for Tampa Bay?

    I also agree with you on the Shaq-Dwight comparisons. Dwight will not end his career with four rings like Shaq did. Shaq had that strong military upbringing, not to mention a few years of college ball under his belt. Dwight had neither.

    I like the kid, but it’s time to grow up. Be nice, but turn that smile into a grimace. And hopefully, do so in Orlando.

    I know, wishful thinking.

    Oh, and Dane Cook? He was only good in “Waiting,” in which he barely spoke, which is probably why he was so good in it.

  8. Snake…

    At this point, I’d rather roll the dice with Isiah Thomas as my head coach.

    Jacque Vaughn?

    Let me repeat. We fired Stan Van Gundy and hired Jacque Vaughn as our head coach.

  9. Chap…

    Who, me?

    Just trying to help my team out, man. Consider me the Cyrano de Bergerac of the sports blogosphere.

    I’ll tell you what. Let’s place a friendly wager on the upcoming basketball season.

    I’ll bet you the Magic finish with a WORSE record than the Warriors in 2012-2013. I know that will entail us actually rooting against our teams but the winner (loser) of said bet, must write a post proudly claiming victory, the almighty basketball knowledgeable and explain why.

    You game?

  10. Al…

    Believe it or not, as useless as Craigslist is, it’s partially responsible for the birth of SportsChump.net, so I can’t hate.

    It brought me to webmaster Eddie Griffin, the man behind the scenes and ahem, reformed Gator fan.

  11. Dub…

    Is it that obvious?

    And I do believe the Magic organization would rather have us believe they’re PHat with a PH, not with an F.

    Not that anyone actually believes that.

  12. Good point, Bleed, although that would have made the profile sound even more desperate.

    I believe it was Lennon/McCartney who first wrote that money “Can’t Buy Me Love.”

    Or was that Patrick Dempsey?

  13. Chris

    Sad to hear about the death of local Tampa talent O J Murdoch who died today from a self-inflicted gunshot wound . The Tennessee Titan wide receiver had been recovering from a torn Achilles’ tendon was due back to the Titans’ training camp next week .

    Tennessee Titan O.J. Murdoch Commits Suicide

    In a stunning development, 25-year-old O.J. Murdoch (Murdock) , a reserve receiver for the Tennessee Titans, killed himself, according to police in Tampa, his hometown.

    Police spokeswoman Andrea Davis said officers found Murdock inside his car Monday morning with what appeared to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The car was parked in front of Middleton High School, where Murdock attended school.

    He was taken to Tampa General Hospital, where he later was pronounced dead.

    The team said over the weekend that Murdock did not report to training camp over because of what it called a “personal issue.”

    “We are shocked and saddened to hear of O.J. Murdock’s death this morning,” the Titans said in a statement Monday. “In his brief time here, a number of our players, coaches and staff had grown close to O.J., and this is a difficult time for them. He spent the last year battling back from an Achilles injury as he prepared for this year’s training camp. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends as they try to cope with this tragedy.”


    Click on link to read in full .


    Incidents such as this makes us all consider our mortality !

    tophatal …………..

  14. Chris

    Jets’ coach lost over 100lbs during this off-season . Over/under the Jets allow twice as many points during their regular season schedule in comparison to their coach’s weight loss ?

    USA swimmers _ …… male are not doing as well as expected and the asinine NBC commentators are as xenophobic and even less insightful as ever .

    Bob Costas has become an egotistical bore ! And what the ##ck is Ryan Seacrest doing interviewing interviewing the US athletes ? Isn’t there another two younger Kardashian sisters to be exploited …… so that he can get them to make another po#n video ……. a la Kim K/ Ray J ?

    will be making several episodes of their eponymous tv show ” Antiques Roadshow “ from the Marlins’ Ballpark as that organization casts off some antiques .

    tophatal ………………….

  15. Chris

    I now prefer to have a FWFB (Friend with ‘fringe benefits) ! We’re both consenting adults fully acknowledging what we’re getting out of this proposed initiative .

    Bills’ defensive player Shawn Merriman believes that this season with the Bills , he will be better than ever before . Last I heard , he was being accused of beating the a#s of his ex, reality star , Tila Tequila . How ’bout them apples ?

    So another Olympic athlete (Swiss soccer player) gets sent home for “tweeting ” racially insensitive remarks. WTF ! I was under impression that the Olympics were all about fostering relationships to further peace ? I guess I was completely wrong !

    The Cubs made some moves but none involved Ryan Dempster . Team President Theo Epstein and GM Jed Hoyer have now MLB’s answer to the front office of the Royals but that might overly disrespectful to AL Central organization .

    So the Jets’ biggest issue this off-season is who has more chest hairs ? Tebow or Mark Sanchez ? I’d be more concerned that the duo based on last season are two of the worst performing quarterbacks in the entire NFL , especially when it came to interceptions and fumbles .

    You’d think Rex Ryan and his coaching staff would be more concerned with those issues wouldn’t you ?


    tophatal ……..

  16. BS/CDR…

    They can’t just trade him for the sake of trading him. They have to get at least something in return. As of yet, they haven’t found anything close to worth his value.

  17. Al…

    I wonder if the NFL will ever get to the bottom of the depression issues of its players, that is, before it destroys the sport as we know it.

  18. Al…

    Maybe Rex Ryan’s on the Tim Tebow training program. All protein and no sex, not a regimen I’m particularly fond of.

    What’s your take on what’s going on with the men’s swim team? And Ryan Seacrest if doing Olympic coverage? Why exactly?

  19. Greg…

    Are you insinuating there are no good restaurants or clubs in downtown Orlando only blocks away from the arena?

    Disney is not all that exists in Central Florida.

    Although the way that athletes drive around town (drunk) these days, twenty miles is really no hill for a climber.

  20. Al…

    Remember what happened with the Bills last year. They turned a lot of heads with a hot early, only to realize later in the season that they were still the Buffalo Bills.

    Wasn’t it last Olympics where the Spanish basketball had a picture taken of them making fun of the Chinese team? Nice to see our Olympic athletes are so mature.

    And if anyone can handle the media circus that is the New York Jets, it’s Rex Ryan…. or not. He didn’t seem to do all that well last year. Jets fans have to be hoping he’s learned something in the process.

  21. I dunno about being happy about having a worse record than the other team. BUT I do think the Magic have an easier time in the East, so with that I guess the Warriors probably will lose more games than them since they have tougher competition. I think I need to see if they have Dwight before I make that bet, so I can ensure victory.

  22. Chris

    When I think of Solace it’s actually the f the name of one of the strippers who worked at the Rolexx in Miami on Biscayne Blvd. Really nice girl , working her way through college as she wanted become a lawyer (true story) . LOL ,LOL,LOL !!!

    The NFL cares about the mental state of the players , the way Romney shows disdain for anyone beneath him .

    Jacques Vaughn in Orlando ? I know it’s not meant to be a comedy opening act at a nightclub but this hiring has all the makings of being that . Look I am sorry for what the Magic fans are now going through ! But it is what it is . ”nough said .

    So neither Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig thought it advantageous to hire Rex Ryan as paid endorser ? Damn .

    Costas and Seacrest ………… the latest comedy duo to be introduced to television by way the sports’ content on television .

    Next we might have Richard Simmons covering the NHL for NBC because that’s how inept that network has become when it comes to covering sports !

    Replied to your comment concerning this piece Fool me once then ##ck you

    Latest piece (NFL) ……… Call me naive

    tophatal ……….

  23. When I heard that Jacque Vaughn was an option to become head coach, I thought that there was no chance that he’d get hired, but I was wrong. I thought that this was finally going to be the team that Brian Shaw got to be a head coach for, but he pulled out of the running for some reason. I think it would have been funny if they hired Jeff Van Gundy to coach though.

  24. Chappaquidick…

    Not sure when Las Vegas releases NBA futures but I’m sure they’ll be holding out on Orlando’s over/under win total until the 11th hour.

    I agree, on principle, that Orlando, with Dwight, should have a higher projected win total than Golden State, which is why I offered the proposition.

    This Magic team, as currently constituted, stands to bear more dysfunction than a Jersey Shore spring break.

    However, if you respectfully decline my offer, I’ll understand.

    Bock bock.

  25. Al…

    If you wanna talk solace, let’s talk Living Colour’s “Solace of You,” one of the band’s greatest songs.


    Always puts a smile on my face.

    And Jacque Vaughn? All we can do is support the kid. And expect a rough patch, rougher than it’s been lately. Not too sure he and Dwight are kicking it around Winter Park these days.

    At least we can take ‘solace’ in the fact that we weren’t beating the Heat anyway.

  26. JM…

    The Magic have a weird sense of loyalty.

    Vaughn played for the Orlando Magic… FOR A SEASON.

    Over his 12-year NBA career, he never so much as averaged over seven points a game.

    Not that scoring in droves leads to successful coaching but I’m not sure what the Magic saw in this guy that warranted leadership. Then again, I’m not in their boardroom.

    Perhaps I’m mistaken. Maybe he’s the next big thing. Or maybe he’s a cheap way out, a yes man, to bide time until the Heat are done reeling off championships.

  27. Bringing back the good ol’ days of In Living Color !

    The NBA Cares …….. not when their players are running amok … never mind their idiotic and less the league’s weak a#s drug policy .

    You can’t the number of ways the NFL cares about their players . As to the idiocy there within the league look at what will in the end be played out in the court of public opinion and soon to be legally concerning Vilma and Goodell. Fans seem to forget while the player points to his innocence and now hides behind the legal system . The one thing Vilma chose not to do was to not answer any questions concerning his apparent involvement in the Saints’ bounty scandal . But yet Brees signs an affidavit showing his support of his now suspended teammate .

    Another comedy act is now on show in Orlando . Vaughn may well served his apprenticeship with a number of renowned NBA franchises . But now he’s been placed in the midst of shark infested waters . Kill or be killed time ………….. in other words he’d better win .

    Let me pose this question …….. Jacques now succeeds SVG . What chance do you believe he now has in dissuading Dwight leaving the Magic ? GM Rob Hennigan’s choice while looking good on paper it’s not a great one . But then again just look at the individuals they had amongst their list of candidates interviewing for the vacant coach’s position . Not exactly awe inspiring and that pretty much sums up what the Magic have been about for the last five years at least ….. if not more .

    So the Phillies have began their own fire sale ?

    Dempster gets traded to the Rangers ? Nolan Ryan and the boys want to win in a really big way . ‘nough said !

    It’s anomaly the Rays are winning again ……….. that’s now three out of four .

    My better half says she wouldn’t mind seeing Tebow do a center-spread expose` for Playgirl . How high would Timmy’s street cred rise or fall if he considered doing that ? But then again it could’ve been a slimmed down Rex Ryan being asked to pose nude as a centerfold for the eponymous magazine .

    Winning with style and no I’m not talking USA men’s basketball ! Their female counterparts are going about their business professionally while not ruffling anyone’s feathers , on or off the basketball court .

    Mayweather is due to be released from jail and boy is he pi#sed . He won’t be able to land that big payday he’s hoping for with Pacquiao after the Filipino fighter’s recent loss .

    If Floyd were to guarantee you a minimum of $20 million clear , for a bout would you say yes ?

    tophatal ………..

  28. In Living Color was a great show not just because of the Wayans’ family but because of the genius of Paul Mooney . He’s written for the likes of Eddie Murphy , Jamie Foxx but his recent biggest claim to fame was a co-writer for many of the skits for comedian Dave Chappelle .

    Remember those infamous Rick James skits featuring Charlie Murphy ( Eddie’s brother & fellow Chappelle writer and comedian) , Rick James and Chappelle ? Well those were done in conjunction with Mooney as a co creator .

    Call me naive …

    tophatal ………….

  29. Not In Living Color, Al, the ground-breaking skit comedy show that brought us such talent, as you mention, as Jim Carrey, Jamie Foxx and the millions of Wayans. I’m talking about the band Living Colour that dropped “Cult of Personality” on us back in the day.

    Dwight’s as good as gone, man. Vaughn and Hennigan have as good a chance at appeasing him as they do winning ballgames their first year.

    And by Floyd offering me $20 mil, do you mean to actually fight me?

    I’d have to pass on that. $20 mil isn’t enough to successfully get me out of a hospital bed in a hurry.

  30. Ok, Chap.

    I am hereby predicting that the Orlando Magic will have a worse regular season record next year than your Golden State Warriors.

    If I’m wrong, and the Magic finish off better than Golden State, I write a post at the end of the season about our bet in the context of my choosing.

    If, however, the Magic stink up the joint, you must do the same. Write a post, that is, not stink up the joint.

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