The half-empty wine cooler: A tale of unfortunate fiction

We interrupt your Super Bowl coverage for a brief message.

Certain behavior is not without consequence.  Belittling your fellow man, showing up to work late without an excuse and now… this.  Please be seated.

Due to an early doctor’s appointment the other morning, I decided to crash at my folks’ place after a long night’s work.  Their residence was considerably closer to the white-cloaked man who was scheduled to cure my back-aching woes at sun-up.

While readying myself for bed, I opened up their refrigerator door in search of a cool glass of water.  That’s where I found something I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before.

Man, I’m gonna feel bad about doing this but it’s for their own good.

It’s bad enough my stepfather drinks cranberry-lime wine coolers on the regular.  Look, I’m down for the occasional wine cooler.  I like to party.  I live in Florida.  It’s hot out.  At times, they’re refreshing.

But when I opened the fridge, not only did I find a wine cooler three-quarters emptied  in the side door panel but I discovered that a wine stopper had been strategically placed in the neck of the bottle to preserve the little that someone (God, I’m hoping this was mom) was unable to finish.

I haven’t purchased a wine cooler in a while but I’m pretty sure they cost about eighty-nine cents a pop.  I’m all for frugality but there comes a point where it’s probably okay to go ahead and toss the last sip of backwash trapped in that bottle of Smirnoff.

Just to be clear, because I know you’re as confounded as I, this was essentially an empty bottle, without even a gulp-full of a wine cooler, whose remnants were being saved with a wine stopper.  And the funny thing was, the wine stopper wasn’t even placed on the bottle correctly to preserve the carbonation, meaning that when my stepdad comes home after a hard day’s work, seeking something to quench his thirst one evening in the near future, he’ll be disappointed when he takes a swig from his not-so carefully preserved, malt beverage to find it flat and tasting worse than when he first opened it.

Then, of course, he’ll probably just open another that he won’t finish, improperly cork it and lather, rinse, repeat; a vicious cycle of wine cooler unusedness.

I’m so embarrassed.  Where have I gone wrong?

Ordinarily, I would never do this but certain deeds cannot go unpunished.  I’m only here to help.

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46 Replies to “The half-empty wine cooler: A tale of unfortunate fiction”

  1. Frugality. Not a big deal. But you have to admit, its a pretty lame subject in lieu of the lights out Super Bowl. Are you sure you weren’t drinking the cranberry-lime cooler? Also, don’t wine cooler bottles have screw on tops?

  2. Pingback: The half-empty wine cooler: A tale of unfortunate fiction - BallHyped Blog Network, Other Sports | BallHyped Sports Blogs

  3. Snake…

    C’mon, man. It’s New Orleans. Somebody probably had one wine cooler too many, leaned up against the light switch in the Super Dome utility closet wall and flipped it accidentally.

    Laissez les bon temps rouler.

    Oh, and go ahead and play dumb with that screw top line. We know you know the truth.

  4. Please don’t be too hard on your stepfather. It’s that insidious ingredient that has found it’s way into many of a malt beverage. I’m speaking of course of the devil’s fruit , the lime.
    I myself have become a victum. It all started innocently enough, a little wedge in my Corona now and then. I didn’t think anything of it,afterall everyone was doing it. Now I’m full blown Bud lime addict. We need help man!

  5. It was a rhetorical question. Everyone knows that wine coolers have screw on tops. Ever Messers Bartles & James know that.

  6. Snake…

    Perhaps they threw away the top, which is surprising considering how they like to recycle or save the goods for later.

    On a side note, are there any truth to these KG to the Clippers rumors?

    What are you hearing?

  7. 1. KG has a no-trade clause.
    2. He’s said he only wants to be coached by Doc.
    3. He wants to retire as a Celtic.

  8. Look, guys.

    I don’t know how much more Super Bowl coverage you want. I told you all last week the Ravens would win the game. In an NFL battle between inexperienced quarterback versus veteran defense, the latter will win every time.

    Now on to far more disturbing topics such as why the hell my step-father is drinking, then saving, his wine coolers.

    I’m sure if you had this sort of crisis in your family, you’d feel differently.

  9. As for Paul Pierce, he doesn’t have a no-trade clause, but he wants to retire as a Celtic and given how much he’s worth, he doesn’t need the money. I really think he would retire before going to another team. Also, the Cs fans would run Ainge out of town if he tried to trade the Celtics most popular player since Larry Bird.

  10. So then, Snake, why all the smoke?

    Listen, I don’t listen to a damn thing anyone from Bleacher Report has to say. That’s like me getting on here and saying they sky is falling.

    But there are a few more reputable outlets out there reporting the same thing.

    I guess they need something other than wine coolers to talk about.

  11. Snake…

    Remember when we spoke at the beginning of the season? We both agreed that Pierce came into the season in shape, slimmer than he had been in the past.

    I’m not sure what’s going on these days. While he’s still getting his scoring and rebounding numbers, he’s shooting a considerably lower percentage, i.e., 42% FG this season as opposed to 45% over his career.

    I’m not sure who would take him at this point because that would mean disrupting basically their entire offense to fit someone like Pierce in. It wouldn’t be as simple as plugging in a Ray Allen from off the bench for an occasional three.

    I agree with you. I think they both finish the season as Celtics. They’re still a playoff team. I just don’t think they want to land a seven or eight seed and have to play the Knicks or Heat right out of the gate.

    And isn’t one wine cooler one too many?

  12. Always nice to air a little dirty laundry on the prunes seeing as though they love to tell stories about our childhood mishaps…Way to score one for the offspring Rev. The good news is they still have a little of that sweet nectar to wash down the tears with…assuming the rust on that stopper thingy doesn’t need a healthy dose of Liquid Wrench to pry it open, thus rendering that last savory swig undrinkable. What a waste that would be…The horror.

  13. When I was in boots, this would have been a cardinal sin. Our motto was “no soldier left behind”. Meaning if one fall, then we all fall. So, there wouldn’t be anything to cork. But this is what I think happened. And we’ve all made unsound decisions when we had one too many at times. At that time, it probably made all the sense in the world to cork the last swallow. But the next day, once the fog has lifted, you probably say to yourself, what the hell was I thinking! That was pretty dumb, and you just toss the rest. What happened was you beat your stepfather to the punch. You discovered the last of the wine cooler before he was able to throw it out. Or maybe drinking.

  14. Hysterical, Bleed.

    Kids one, folks zip.

    Although now that you brought that up, I’m sure she’ll be swinging by here soon with an embarrassing story or two.

    Maybe I should have just shut up.

  15. You are assuming I read your blog …. it is a blog right? ..give me a amstel without citron… great blog.

  16. I haven’t come across this in my family but I don’t feel it rises to the level of an intervention in yours. The use of a wine stopper to preserve those final albeit few sips of this cooling beverage of choice is classy…in a reality TV, train wreck kind of way. What I would be most concerned about is the fact regardless of what we feel about the device enlisted to secure purity of the product…a tight seal was not achieved, which in turn did not achieve the desired result of maintaining the beverage’s complete quality. Seek out a proper top for future partial portions and all is well.

  17. Dropped this by way of the NBA and post transcript in terms of the idiocy of the outage at the Superbowl . How is it that the organizing committee and LSED , owners of the Superdome as far back as September , knew of issues concerning electrical problems for the venue and chose not to do anything about it all , until late November in approving a $ 750,000 work order and upgrade ?

    Yet Mitch Landrieu (mayor) and Tom Norman head of operations for the Superdome , are carrying on, as if everything went off without a hitch ? What would those idiots have done, had that been a terrorist attack ? 34 minutes without power ? 75,000 people were in attendance and millions watching worldwide , what a goddamn embarrassment ! No prior drills had been carried out in lieu of the ongoing issues and these ##sholes , including Goodell are trying to make light of the problem .

    Kind of reminds me of the idiocy of what went on with the Superbowl staged in Arlington at Cowboys Stadium a few years back , when guests , having paid for their tickets, were refused entry , because where they were to be seated , was covered in tarpaulin , because structural work was still ongoing . Is that the bull#hit Goodell now presides over as commissioner ?

    When, it’s all said and done , the better man, or team won . Or were they ?

    Flacco is now looking to get paid , as he is seeking to compensated along the lines of the top paid players at the position in the NFL ? Is he really worth $20million a year over 5 years , given his body of work so far ?

    Tophatal ………….

  18. Al…

    Let’s hope that this Super Bowl is not just remembered for the night the lights went out in New Orleans, for we actually all witnessed a pretty good game.

    And you and I both know Flacco is about to get paid. That’s how it works.

    As for the Rice-Moss comparisons, the only person giving them any merit before the Bowl was Moss himself. Perhaps now even HE believes he was wrong.

  19. Chris

    Moss is liable to be shown the door by Niners’ GM Trent Baalke . You don’t blaspheme by showing disdain for one of the alltime great Niners’ players . WTF was Moss thinking ?

    We know that Flacco will get paid , but how much does he really deserve by way of compensation ? Six contract over six years paying him $100 million plus ?

    I see that the Giants have started to clean house ?

    Wonder what moves will be made by the Bucs prior to the NFL Draft ?

    Dropped these two dime pieces ….. as and when you’re ready .

    When, it’s all said and done , the better man, or team won . Or were they ?

    CSI New England , another atrocity perpetrated in the name of football

    Tophatal ……………

  20. Should have posted this sooner… but had to take the pillow off my head & the Groucho mask off (to protect the “innocent”).

    OK… there were 11 (eleven)-sips left in that bottle… for the record.

    And Mr Snake Sir …the caps may come off using yr hands (if strong) but dont go back on easily.

    And a shout-out to Sportsattitude for calling the alledged perps “classy” … verrrry nice.

    For the record …11 sips might be just enough to quench the cooks thirst as one starts preparing dinner.

    Don’t ask me how I know. 🙂

  21. Al…

    You and I both know it’s not what a player deserves, it’s what he’s done for a team lately and what his sleazy agent can manage to land him. And this case, that’s going to be a lot.

    Oh, and speaking of the Bucs, have you seen those pictures of Josh Freeman dressed as Michael Jackson?

  22. No I’m not glad. Always want U here… I just now know to do a quick- check around the house & frig to avoid future “SC tell-alls”!

    The high price one pays for birthing a great … & all tooooo creative writer.

    Proud to occassionally be your muse.

  23. Triple SC, what a hoot of a post. And your Mom’s reply is precious. You gotta give kudos to your parents for even drinking! All I hear is…are you really going to drink that? Are your really going to have more? Or how much more beer do you need in the fridge? LOL
    Hope you are well.
    Dee Dee

  24. I think it is their way of fishing for lessons from the pro 🙂 It’s in the same theory that an auto mechanic has a broken down car LOL

    Yaz, some friends & I have Gator Basketball tickets for 2/23 vs Razorbacks. Hope our Gators have sweet revenge planned for that game!

  25. D…

    They already know I’ll make them the best sangria they’ve ever had, anytime anywhere.

    And yea, that Florida performance against Arkansas was the antithesis of everything they’ve shown us all season. It helped that Arkansas was shooting lights up but UF could have stepped up the physicality.

    It’s alright. These kind of losses build character. Come tourney time, the Gators should still end up with a one or two seed for the big dance.

  26. I don’t mind Flacco being paid , it’s the size of the contract that will put even more pressure upon him to perform , as far as I’m concerned . Look at Vick and his career , as twice he’s signed deals close to $100 million apiece and what has he to show for it all ?

    Freeman dressing up as Michael Jackson , doesn’t that sum what that kid is all about, as it mirrors his lack of maturation , in terms of his game ? . What the hell is that all about to begin with ? The Bucs with Freeman helming that franchise won’t be going anywhere as his game has regressed and he doesn’t show the aptitude to learn much less improve . And that is the main reason why Schiano states he now wants competition for all of the positions on the roster . Can you blame him (Schiano) with regard to Freeman ?

    Overall , the Bucs offense deserved nothing more than a D grade , if that .

    Tophatal ……………..

  27. Al…

    Yeah, but Vick and Flacco are two different types of athletes. For one thing, Vick has been surrounded by a lot more hype. At this point, I’d say Flacco is the far sounder investment.

    There’s two ways to look at that Freeman photo shoot. In a positive light, he’ll now be one of the more recognizable faces in the league for his small market team. On the flip side, what is he doing to get ready for the upcoming season? Listening to Michael Jackson albums is a far cry from breaking down game film. I thought there was no off-season.

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